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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What cm covers

55 replies

rosepetalsoup · 08/07/2014 14:49

I'm just interested how people do things. The cm your DH pays -- does it cover travel, holidays, clothes, school trips etc, or does he pay more for those things?

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Whilewildeisonmine · 08/07/2014 17:19

£2.50 a week???!

purpleroses · 08/07/2014 18:51

I'd say it contributes towards those things but I contribute too. I don't expect him to pay for extras like those things - unless there's something the DCs want to do at times when he has them, or he wants to buy them something I don't think they need.

My ex pays me not very much because he doesn't earn much. Back when I didn't earn much then benefits helped pay for those things too, or they didn't happen.

My DP is a high earner and pays an amount to his ex that covers all their costs, and some over, but I think that's rare. Normally I think you would expect either the RP or the state to contribute at least some of the costs, alongside whatever the NRP pays by way of child support. Or if the money doesn't stretch far enough, then the non-essentials don't happen.

fedupbutfine · 08/07/2014 19:48

my ex pays fuck all. Doubt he ever will. He is a bloody nuisance with things like clothes as well as although he provides his own for when they are with him, what tends to happen is the small, stained and generally no use anymore stuff comes back to me and I never see the decent stuff that I buy again (or until it has a hole in it). I have lost 3 sets of coats in the last 6 weeks - denies he has any of them. Children are beside themselves - he lies in front of them about it and, they say, tells them they're not allowed to bring their coats home.

Letitgoletitgo · 08/07/2014 21:01

XH pays me over CSA requirements for 2dcs, although in part it is spousal maintenance. He won't pay for anything else at all, nor have I asked him to. May change as they get older and expensive school trips crop up, but otherwise we do fine.

Smo2 · 08/07/2014 21:05

The CSA force mine to pay from his wages, £100 per week for my two kids, though he earns more and hides it.

He will absolutely not pay one penny more.

If it wasn't for the CSA getting that, I'd have jack all! X

Meglet · 08/07/2014 21:08

It just goes into the household budget. We don't have anything to do with XP so I can't ask him for any extra.

frolicsandfiddledeedees · 08/07/2014 21:15

Yep, £2.50 a week.

Ex doesn't pay for anything else, either. He takes her to stay with his parents maybe 2/3 times a year and they feed DD, and they do buy her some stuff (toys mostly, and the odd bit of hideous clothing) but never anything she actually needs. Ex even thinks I should pay his train fare to come and see DD

I used to joke about it covering a pint a week but the way beer prices have risen it doesn't even do that now!

Original poster

rosepetalsoup · 08/07/2014 21:24

OMG frolics. I am impressed that you have a sense of humour about it. Fedupbutfine that is crap - and so annoying about the coats! I hope someone steals his coat from the pub this weekend.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 09/07/2014 10:01

If a non resident father has their child/children EOW, or a few nights per week, or whatever arrangement's been agreed on, then you could argue that they're already paying costs in addition to maintenance payments? It sometimes (but not always!) seems to be the case that the father is expected to fund the entire cost of the child even if that child is with him for a fair percentage of the week.

That said, if the father's household has some spare cash, it's nice to give the child some extras. DH never felt inclined to give his ex anything above regular maintenance payments, but we were both happy to buy DSS trainers, clothes, new phone, etc etc, and give him spending money for holidays and school trips.

But if money is tight, and a father is making maintenance payments as required, then is he really required/obliged to dig further into his pocket? Otherwise, where does it end?

ArcheryAnnie · 09/07/2014 10:09

Mine used to pay sod-all CM, for years, but now pays a good amount (more than if he'd been paying all the time - it's a bit higher than it would normally be to reflect that I paid for everything for a long time). I don't expect him to pay for anything on top of that, but he sometimes does - especially clothes, as he loves buying clothes anyway.

MirandaWest · 09/07/2014 11:47

Petal02 the maintenance that my XH pays is reduced due to the time he has the children so it is taken into account anyway. I definitely don't feel he should be funding the complete cost of the children, but I don't feel that him contributing to larger, or more one off things is unreasonable.

fedupbutfine · 09/07/2014 17:29

It sometimes (but not always!) seems to be the case that the father is expected to fund the entire cost of the child even if that child is with him for a fair percentage of the week.

I have 3 children. At least 50% of my salary goes directly on costs related to them. In reality, if you start looking at the bigger picture and factor in all childcare, activities, food 5 days a week, uniforms, haircuts, shoes, casual clothes, a few toys, books, food, a contribution towards the roof over their heads, heating, water etc. etc. etc. I pay out at least 75% of my take home salary on my children. Assuming my ex were to pay maintenance, 25% of his take home barely touches the sides. I know many NRPs pay more, but if I am reading things right, by far the majority pay whatever the CSA says they should, regardless of whether or not the CSA is involved. I don't personally know any NRPs who fund anywhere near the entire cost of a child.

yoyo27 · 09/07/2014 19:59

My ex husband was meant to pay £100 a week for four children. I was overjoyed! Then he told them they got it wrong.....it went down to £5 a week. He has paid twice.

So £10 in three years for four children x

MuttonCadet · 09/07/2014 20:03

We have the kids 50:50, he pays maintenance plus clothes, activities, shoes coats, school trips and holidays.

Standinginline · 09/07/2014 20:05

Partner pays maintenace and half for trips ,hobbies etc...and that's it. But ,he pays more maintenace than CSA recommended.

TalisaMaegyr · 09/07/2014 20:11

If you have the children 50/50, why is anyone paying anyone anything??

racmun · 09/07/2014 20:15

It depends on how much maintenance is being paid. If for example you're getting £100 a month for each child the the NRP should help out with extras, but it may be that the NRP has no additional money and the extras wouldn't be possible even if the patents were still together.

If the maintenance is £700 a month then I would say that covers the cost of a child and then some so I wouldn't expect to pay extras.

As always it very different for different families.

MuttonCadet · 09/07/2014 20:18

Talisa, the 50:50 has crept in and he doesn't want to rock the boat.

racmun · 09/07/2014 20:20

Mutton
What boat would he be rocking?

MuttonCadet · 09/07/2014 20:25

Any time he doesn't pay up for something extra he gets threatened with removal of contact. That's the boat he doesn't want to rock.

Besides, she couldn't manage without the CM, and the kids need to have a comfortable home with their mum as well.

TalisaMaegyr · 09/07/2014 20:31

Fucking hell. I hate that crap. Good job he's a decent bloke.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 09/07/2014 21:40

I get 200 per month from xh. I use it to pay off the debts he left me with. He covers (or to be more precise his parents) everything when dc is with him. They buy clothes for wear whilst with them. I pay for lunches, uniform, school trips, books, sport and after school activities (and kit). I cover all childcare costs, birthday parties, casual/party clothes, gifts for friends, pocket money.

Xh sees dc once a month for a weekend. His payment hasn't changed despite pay rises. I do get it though which is more than can be said for several people I know.

RonneandFrankie · 18/07/2014 07:38

My DP pays the amount decided by Child Support (it comes directly out of his pay every month.) It's based off the amount of time SS spends with each parent, and the declared income of each parent.
They each pay for their own clothes/supplies for the set up at each house.

SS hasn't reached school age yet, but that will probably be half-half when it does come. DP used to give his ex extra cash if anything came up - car broke down, or something big like that, but nothing big has come up lately so I'm not sure what would happen.

Ex also runs a business from home that she doesn't declare her income from (except all over social media) and she seems to be doing fairly well off this. Slightly frustrating, as DP got a pay rise (of about a grand annually) and that was enough to shift him into the next bracket for child support and up the payment. But she can work from home, not declare her business, and earn a grand a fortnight, and DP is still paying based off the assumption the ex is surviving purely off single parent benefits. (I don't begrudge any payments made for child support - I just dislike the system that seems set up to ensure that father's are all meeting their responsibilities, but doesn't seem to worry about mother's being dishonest.)

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 09:49

Ronnie - agree it's frustrating to be asked to pay for extras if she's got lots of money.

But the child support your DP pays wouldn't change at all, even if his ex declared all her earnings. It's assessed purely on his own income, so it's nothing to do with the child support agency - they won't even have asked her what her income is. For all you know, maybe she does declare the income. There aren't any "bands" either for child support - it's a proportion of his income.

bibliomania · 18/07/2014 11:32

Ex hasn't paid a penny in 5 years. Now, finally, after waiting a year for the CSA to do something, they sent me a letter announcing that they'll be looking to get 250pm from him. I'll be pleasantly astonished if they manage it. The annoying thing is that I feel a pang of guilt and sympathy for him - the whole pattern of our relationship was me shouldering the main financial burden, and him doing bits as and when he chose, so this is going to be quite a change.

While he hasn't paid me anything, he has paid for half school dinners and he buys dd lots of clothes and gifts, takes her to the hairdresser and for meals out. Most of his purchases stay at his house, but to be fair, he has kept her in shoes. He likes to flash the cash when it makes him look good - he'll buy the party dress rather than the boring old uniform. Fair enough - it's nice for dd to have both.

I expect a lot of this to stop if CSA do actually get any money from him. I feel a bit sorry for dd, but I need the money to put towards debts I have because of him.

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