How to deal with a child that feels no remorse?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

Dsd 10 has been having horrendous tantrums lasting anywhere between 1 - 1.5 hrs.

Dh used to shout, tell off, smack, reason. Nothing worked. So now when she starts which is always 5 minutes after bedtime we ignore her.

She bangs the wall, stamps on the stairs, slams the bedroom door all whilst shouting about how no one listens, we don't care she hates us we're horrible.

For the record WE DO listen to her, we do nothing but. There is constant communication between dsd and her parents and if asked myself too.

She does eventually give up and go to bed but the next day she shows no remorse, won't apologise and when dh speaks to her she says she feels she's done nothing wrong.

Dh and his ex have removed privileges etc still no improvement.

Is this normal? How else could this issue be handled?

Dh ex passes it off as hormones, however it's not just her behaviour that's in question it's the fact she feels she doesn't need to take responsibility.

I really like the book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so that kids will talk", but don't know if it will work for you.

Read that book Beatrice, she behaves the same way in both homes. Over the 2 years I believe we have exhausted all avenues.

Dh would always go upstairs and speak to her sometimes for 45 minutes. But as soon as he'd left she'd start again always the same thing she tells us and we have talked and done our best to resolve the issues and she's always said she was ok.

It just feels like she wants dad to herself and mum to herself and respective partners pushed to the side. It's exhausting and tedious and non stop. The day after when dh says something she rolls her eyes. Never has she apologised for the way she has behaved.

Has she always been smacked or is it a new thing?

Has she always been like this?

Does she feel lonely at bedtime?
Is she afraid of the dark?
Is she afraid of monsters?

Did something happen once or more times when she was in bed?

I think 10 (and even more so 8) is a bit young to expect her to apologise the next day.
If you have been trying for 2 years then I would say you need outside help. Lots of people I know have seen Psychologists for various issues their children have had. Quite often they help by a) giving a pretty simple solution which allows the parents to break out of the cycle or b) saying something to the child which enables them to overcome their issues.
Of course it could be c) the psychologist spots signs of an underlying issue.

Maybe even just having someone in authority from outside saying "Dad will talk to you for 10 minutes and then you need to go to sleep." Can be enough to break a cycle.

I think lots of kids play up at bedtime. Isn't it really common? I'm genuinely surprised how many people are recommending outside help. This MIGHT be due to having separated parents but more likely it's just a behaviour that would have happened anyway.

Is she upping the ante to get dads attention? I suspect when she doesn't get dad's / mums attention her tactics are getting more and more out of hand to ensure she gets it.

However, I do think expecting her to apologise the next day is expecting too much. Again, I think there is a danger of giving her attention the next day by trying to get her to apologise.

I'd be talking to her and telling he what you expect from her, asking her what would help her settle etc and then doing it and not giving in.