AIBU to want XH's ptnr to remove photos

[CruellaDV]

XH's partner has photos of her and the DDs all over Facebook, much to my disgust. I feel really cross amongst other things that they are both using the kids as 'fashion accessories', so to speak. He's a complete Disney Dad.

They're getting married soon (not a problem - I'm re-hitched now anyway) but she refuses to engage with XH and me about child-rearing and yet is flouncing around saying "I'll be a proper step mother soon".

AIBU if I

• ask her to remove those pictures
• ask them both to engage better with me about bringing up the children, amount and quality of contact etc
• ask that they consider the children's privacy in social networking sites and avoid posting 'family' pictures
• restrict contact with XH unless and until these matters are tackled

Many thanks, you lovely lot xxx

TBH is not hurting anyone at this point, but she is making a point to you: That she doesn't care about your views on child rearing because she has better ideas (belief held because she only knows you through your ex who, as a good Disney dad, may have told her you are a controlling person who doesn't make the children happy).

IME it was only a matter of time for new woman's patience for DS to disappear (as soon as he felt her partner would choose her over his child), and then it did really became my business because twat dad and cursed step mother started messing DS about until SS had to intervene. Frankly that was the time to protect DS. Photos playing happy families are not kind on you but you can choose not to see what she posts in Facebook.

At this time... I think that you can only hope that the honey moon continues for the sake of your DDs, I know it's difficult, but really, it is not worth it to make the matter worse over some Facebook photos.

Having said that.... I really agree with TheMumsRush

I think it's slightly unreasonable. I post photos of my DSC and never thought about what their mother thinks. She has never met me or knows me or gives a damn about me and certainly wouldn't ever consider my feelings regarding anything!

That being said if she had a genuine reason for not wanting me to post photos ie privacy/ child safety then fair enough. I have my Facebook and Instagram very private and she can't see what I post anyway. Photos are especially private - I have nieces an nephews and always ensure pics are private. I think it would be worth while checking that the pics are private or asking her to make them so. But if it's just a jealousy thing I think it's being silly. I think you should be grateful she is taking an interest and that the kids like her. How awful would it be if they hated her and dreaded seeing their dad because she is there?? At least they can be happy in both homes.

also my DSD has her own Facebook - I am not her friend nor will I ever be. I think that would upset / anger her mum and I don't need to be on it. And I don't want her mum trying to snoop on my page. I never ever say things about being stepmum etc there's no need really.

With regards to other stuff re contact etc that's a conversation for you and exH.

Xx

You see the thing is purple is that if you looked at my fb page, you would think the sane thing. But it's just because I worry about upsetting their mum.

I post photos of my DSC too. Their dad is tagged in the photos and he's fine with this. I have no idea if their mum would mind. However, a lot of the photos I have of my DSC also have my children in them too - so I'm also posting pictures of my own kids up with their siblings. They're part of our family unit. If I didn't have photos of them up I'd be stopped from putting some cracking pics of my own children up.

If DH's ex had a problem with this then I'd expect her to take it up with ex and not me. At the end of the day he is fine with it.

If her ruling was she didn't want any photos whatsoever on facebook (as in she doesn't post any herself) then it would be fully understandable. But if she did, she'd be a bit hypocritical.

If there were none of the DSC up she could then moan they're being excluded and dad doesn't care. It's yet again another case of you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I don't think she's worried about upsetting me ThisFence - I've never given any indication that I'd be bothered by that. I post their pics on my FB all the time! I think it's that she uses FB to keep in touch with friends from her home country, and having a DH who has children from a previous relationship is something they she finds vaguely embarassing. Thankfully the DCs don't seem to notice or care. She's not friends with them on FB.

I have pics of dsds on my Facebook.

Both their mums do, dp and his dad do and dsd 1 and 2s Mum has allowed them to have fb (without consulting dp, and our opinion is that they're too young at 11) so they can ask us to remove or untag pictures if they don't like them (but they dont).
Dsd 3s Mum has pics of dsd on her face book, but she doesn't seem to give a shit about dsd so I don't think she'd care I have pics up anyway.

I am another step mum with family pics up, which include dsd. But that said, dh did gt upset when he saw a "happy family" profile pic, including dsd, on her step dads fb page. I think just sad pangs, perhaps, that he wasn't/isn't there 100% of the time. I guess that feeling would be magnified if you thought that the SP was not-that-interested.

Agree with PPs who have said that the rearing of your children needs to be discussed with xp. I am happy to offer my thoughts to dhs xp, and support where I can, if dsds parents want that, but otherwise, major decisions are not up to me. And one on one chats with the xp still make me just a bit antsy, even 4 yrs on.

I think the only reasons why a partner would be directly speaking to the child's mother about parenting and raising their dsc is when either the partner is the agreed means of communication between parents or if the child lives with their step parent and is telling the mother about how the child is etc.

my partner puts up pics of my dc. We are a family.

I have some pictures of my DSD on Facebook. I didn't even think to ask her mum. My husband is happy with it and we are a family - that is good enough.

If she had a genuine safety issue then that would be a different matter and I would comply for the protection of DSD.

I have never once spoken to my DSSs mum about anything barring a vague hello if we pass each other in the street and I've been their SM for nearly 10 years and they are resident with DH and I. I can't think of any reason, except for DH being incapacitated in some way, for me to ever contact her or for her to contact me. DH and I discuss parenting issues for all the kids, DH then takes our joint decision to their mum for her input and they compromise between themselves. It works well for us.

Why would she engage with you? I'd never engage with my OH's Ex wife - that's his job.

I suppose you'd prefer it if she were reviled and hated by your kids. And that you had to instruct her in everything as if she hasn't got a brain in her head. If he is a Disney Day then that's HIM not her. But still, all stepmothers are wicked are they not?

How do you know what she has on her Facebook page?
Have you been snooping?
I think you are being unrealistic. You have to accept that you children have a life that you are not part of.
Move on.

Yes what funky old said - she's not a childminder or nanny who you can instruct to look after your kids in the way you would. She's your ex's partner and should take her lead from him. If he's either crap, or too weak to enforce his way at home then that's not her fault.