Am I in the wrong?

[Eden21]

In my last thread I spoke about the issue of me sitting in the back of the car while OH and his son sat in front.

Now at the beginning I was ok with this as this is all he knew however as time has gone on I find it extremely awkward and horrible for me. I feel like an outcast on an outing or like I'm pushed to the back to be forgotten about.

Today I said before we got in the car how much longer do I have to sit in the back as it's starting to grate on me' OH then got annoyed with me and all day could barely look at me.

As we got in from dropping his son off he got quite angry with me and said I was making him choose between his son and me. I explained I wasn't just that I feel like I'm a second class citizen to his son. I basically got reminded I'm second to his son

He doesn't see it from my side and says as he sees his son twice a week he should sit there.

Am I wrong in the way in feeling or should I just suck it up?

What we know is that legally he should be in the back....... Also from an adults perspective, it's not on. And I kind of disagree about it being such a big deal for dss. All the kid needs to be told is that he's in back when two adults are in the car. End of. No biggie. If I'm getting in the car with my dc and my dp, or even my mother, or whatever adult for that matter, dc are all in back. We don't even have to speak it, everyone knows how it works.

Totally agree with shey.
There has never been an issue with ds, who is now over 6', and his stepmum, barely 5'! Ds always sits in the back of his dads car. It is simply respectful of any adult.
My dh created a lot of problems in our marriage by trying to make his dc feel "more important" than me. Funnily, I've never had the urge to make an unnecessary fuss over ds and humiliate dh in front of him to make ds feel "good" about himself. Why do so many men do this? Guilt for leaving the family? So when new partner has had enough, will they feel more guilt for having robbed dc of yet another stable home???
I can seriously recommend couple counseling, but it will only make a dent if the partner sees the problem and is willing to face it.
Lunar, I realize you still feel betrayed for your years as stepchild, and having read many of your responses can't help,feeling you really need to address some personal issues. Its great that you see yourself as advocate of the weaker party, but giving kids a disproportionate view of themselves isn't doing them any favors. My dsc's lives have been monstrously fucked up by both parents pretending they were born on a pedestal and will need to live long lives to bolster them continuously at that dizzying height.

I was a step-child and used to being alone with just one parent beforehand. I always had to go in the back and that was good - it showed me that I was with two grown ups. In fact I didn't want to go in the front with my birth parent -- quite often it was too intense and, when there's family strife, the car often becomes a little "confession booth". Sitting in the back listening to walkman was much better and a way to relax and get out of parental intensity.

However, I am coming to realise step-parenting and being an NRP is all about parental intensity and the battle not to let it take over (i.e. to keep things normal). This boy should travel in the back, for sure!! Even if you are not in the car.

Some NRPs are so frightened to rock the boat and to treat their child as a child after, to be fair, several lonely years of having given up on the companionship of the other parent so boosted the child to equal-partner role.

As I recall a lot of childhood was about feeling left out and like the adults had a private world -- and that was good for me! Isn't that what childhood has always been like? That's why stories like the Secret Garden and Narnia work, because the children need to find their own world separate from the adult one.

Sorry, bit of a rant there.

Normalfamily, I probably didn't word it well but I do think the child should be in the back, at all times regardless of there being a second adult in the car. Not sure what issues you want me to work through, I think I have a fairly balanced view and my step dad is the parent I'm closest to. I had a hellish childhood due to my parents choices, does that mean my opinions can't count?

I just also think that the step parent is the quickest and easiest person for a child to blame if things change in a way they don't like. Children are not able to take a step back and say that the sm is right and is doing what's best for them.

The easiest option would be for the op to drive but if it is illegal for the ds to be in the front then I wouldn't take that risk. The only real solution I can see is for you to take two cars if you both have one, and to have your dh put his son in the back every single time he is in the car. Then when he is used to it go back to one car.

This of course depends on your dh supporting you. What will you do if he won't?

Croquet, what you say is true, I totally agree. Many times with divorce and step parenting, the simplest issue becomes a battleground, that the non-resident or step-parent is unable to cross.

The answer for me, is to parent children exactly the same, regardless of whether you live with them or not. Guilt-parenting is toxic and changes the children from who they once were into entitled, controlling, parent-equals. Sad.

If he's only 7 he shouldn't even be sitting in the front due to air bags etc. Maybe explain that to your DP next time he decides to get all defensive!!

Also you are not a second class citizen to anyone Eden. That would piss me off too.

shey completely true!! We are having a battle with DSD at the moment because of DP and his Disney dad attitude. I am moving out for a while tomorrow and I find it funny how he has, all of a sudden, after 3 years decided to step up the discipline. As a result DSD is a very confused, violent and angry child because she has not been given the boundaries she needs.

I can see your DH is coming from, if he is worried about his DS feeling pushed out by you because he has always sat in the front etc etc. But I really think he should have recognised this as a minor worry that shouldn't have stopped him actually doing the rational thing, and having the two adults sit in the front and his DP in the back!

As another poster said, in ANY situation, step or not, when there are two adults and a child in the car, the child should sit in the back. Safety issues aside, it's just the normal way of the world. There is a subtle status thing at play, and I really think it is sending a bad message to your DSS that he is considered as an equivalent adult to you, when in fact he is only 7!

This kind of thing doesn't even make him, in effect, an "equivalent adult" - it gives him superior status - and that is so wrong.

Back in the real world, kids sit in the back, adults sit in the front. Where there's more than 2 adults, due consideration is given, for example, to older adults who may find it harder to get in and out of the back, pregnant adults, someone with a disability and so on.

But this is a seven year old child FFS and there are no extenuating medical circumstances. This man is being pathetic - "making him choose" indeed. I'd bloody well make that choice for him and leave him to continue raising a spoilt child with an inappropriate level of power. See where that gets him in a few years time.

True, catsmother! Equivalent adult would be if they were taking it in turns to have the front seat, but in this case not only is he being shown he has adult status, but that he is a superior one.

Reading back through OP's posts, I notice she does say that there aren't any other issues like this though. If this is really the case, I'd probably try and come at it from a softly softly approach, rather than a confrontational one.

Catsmother this is how I explained it to OH. He sees himself superior to me. It's more than just the stupid seat it's the fact that it means much more.

In other aspects of our relationship its completely fine, obviously adapting from being a couple to having a child there is harder than I ever thought but were getting there.

There is no question that the child should sit in the back.

No compromises, no taking turns.

And no, don't fall back on the safety issue. This actually is one of those things worth establishing for the sake of principle alone- getting there through the "safety argument" is only avoiding the issue.

Damn straight this is about sending a message to the child. The message is, "you are a child". Don't stay with a man who won't send that message to his children - just don't - it will plague you for years.

My DSD was very 'spousified'...my DH was very 'Disney'...even he got this one. She'd sit in front until he picked me up (she was old enough that the safety thing didn't apply anyway), and then he'd boot her to the back.

Your DP is being a prick about this. It might seem a small thing, but it's not.

I agree with brdgrl this is an important issue. Your OH is choosing not to listen to you. He is also afraid to upset his son which is ridiculous. A parent has to deal with issues and find ways to talk to their child - I think you will encounter more problems later. What would happen if his son's teacher (or other relative) got in the car? I suspect the son would sit in the back.

How long have you been together? It is totally demoralising being with a man who won't parent properly and in this case it's at cost to your status.

Can you imagine if you had a child and made him sit in the back??

What is happening when he is on the front? Are they talking? Making most of time together?
It wouldn't bother me, tbh. I offered to go in the back first time I was with boyfriend's son. It's not an insult! I do agree with the safety aspect, but not the adults-over-children thing. He has limited time with his dad - of you feel left out in the back, why put him through feeling that?

I think the best solution is they both sit in the back so that his dad can give him proper attention, and you drive. Everyone happy.

What on earth. Proper attention and sole undivided attention are not the same thing.
How is "everyone happy" if the OP's partner is sat in the back with his son while she chauffeurs?
I hope you are a wind-up, cabrinha.