Ex is struggling - what can we do?

[Seahorse22]

Have NCd for this, just in case.
DHs ex is RP of their DD, aged 10.5. Their relationship is civil but not warm.

Ex was made redundant about eight months ago and as far as we know, she has been job hunting constantly. She has chosen not to claim benefits or take an interim/alternative/part time job. Her last job paid around 60K. She gets 1500 each month from DH for maintenance, which is a private arrangement. It's based on CSA calculations but with an extra 500 or so a month on top which DH has voluntarily and happily contributed for around the last eight years.

About six months ago we started paying for all DSDs extra curricular activities and additional expenses (which were previously shared) and were happy to do that for DSDs sake. It then became clear that ex had no savings or money put aside and she has been unable to pay her mortgage. She has also started asking DH to pay for even more things, sometimes very small items such as socks.

We are obviously concerned that things are so tight and have been happy to help out more. DSD will always have a home with us so there is no question of her not having a roof over her head. Its understandable that his ex would use some of the maintenance to live on right now but we are worried that DSDs needs are not being prioritised and were not sure how far this goes (or how much worse it might get). In other words, if she cannot buy socks then how bad is it? I want to support DHs sensitive handling of this but he's not sure how to approach this without intruding. We were hoping that ex would take on some sort of work but so far there is no sign of that. Also, we don't have unlimited funds.

I guess my question is how much can DH/we be sure that his DD is not going without basics and do we keep stepping in and topping up on demand?

Id be grateful for any thoughts or views. I know that mums on the other side of this sort of relationship also frequent this board so would be really interested in their perspective, too.

I'm sorry to say this as you sound lovely, but there is no way you can approach this without intruding. Her financial affairs are none of your business.

Having been on the receiving end of this after I split with ex, I can tell you it is both infuriating and offensive to have an ex partner trying to give you 'help' and advice in terms of getting a job. I was unemployed after my split as I had given up work to move with my ex. He used to come round and suggest I took jobs - almost any job - well below the level I had been employed at - because he didn't want to see me unemployed. I usually told him to piss off. I eventually found myself a good job after a few months of hunting.

Unless she asks for help, your remit is only as far as how you can support your DSD. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can 'fix' her problem.

HI Seahorses22, we have a slightly different situation, the ex and DH are not on speaking terms and that pobably helps in detaching somewhat.

I cannot tell you the hell we have gone through with her attempts to get money out of us, blackmail, threats not to pay mortgage on FMH etc unless we hand over large sums of money (10's of thousands actually). Thank goodness the FMH is now sold and they no longer have any financial ties to each other.

The ex really lives on the knife edge of bankruptcy, she is remarried and DH feels no obligation to her. There is a threat that DSS will be made homeless. But DH and I have to console ourselves in the knowledge that if the worst was to happen then he would always have a roof over his head here with us.

We could give more money but it does not seem to go on DSS, and besides unbeknown to DSS and his mum DH has set up a savings account which will go some way to paying for any tuition fees/deposit/car DSS needs when he is older. Any money we give now will just be wasted on tat. And I mean tat, the lad has more gadgets/clothes/sweets than you can shake a stick at but they live under constant fear of not paying thier bills.

In our case at least, DH ex left him for a man who had very spradic employment, she went from being able to spend to her hearts cotnent when married to DH (he had good income back then) to living hand-to-mouth. I think in some weird and warped way she sees herself as still DH's wife, whereby she can send texts/emails asking for money and expects DH to send it to her. DH always pays for uniform, trips, pocket money, phone etc he gets more than the minimum CSA level too. He has been a soft touch int he past but he has stood up to her, and her attitude changed overnight.

Why would she need to seek benefits or try very hard to find work if your DH is mug enough to support her. It is a shame when anyone loses their job, but it is not your DH responsibility to bail her out.

It is pretty standard in RL to ask. Objectively, I was wondering why the ex still felt so entitled to her ex husband's money? A common reason for that is feeling that their family life ( and money) has been stolen from them. I don't personally care.

This isn't in reference to you asking the question, but I sort of get why women feel like that but at the same time I don't.

I've left boyfriends for new guys or having met someone I've found myself liking, and it's always been when I've been thinking about leaving anyway, but haven't been sure, usually I've left hints and given ultimatums about things I can't cope with, and then meeting the new person has shown me how unhappy I am so I decide to leave, the leaving would have happened soon anyway.
Now I know everyone's different but surely these women must know that 9/10 times something was going wrong anyway and the woman didn't really steal her man, he happened go have feelings for her around the time his feelings for his wife/ girlfriend were fading...

seriously alita, I hope the man you love never cheats on you. You have no fucking idea what people go through and your comments are insulting to those of us who's lives have been blown apart by a cheating ex and the 'other woman'.

Anita, that's fine before you are invested but once you have made sacrifices, compromises and investment in all aspects of your life with your relationship that just isn't good enough.

Well I haven't actually cheated... I've left knowing I'm going to someone else at some point. It's never been a serious relationship (except 1 but I did try not to go straight to the next guy) and because I have had an ex cheat and go off with someone I've made sure I don't sleep with anyone before I leave...

But I ask you how you'd sort this situation, the one I was in before myself and my dp got together:
I felt trapped with my ex as we lived together and I didn't have enough money to get my own place I'd asked him to change many things that were pushing me away and he'd just cry at me -.- I had a good friend (my current dp) who was there for me while struggling with him and I realised I really liked him, the ex went away for a week to see his family and I realised I didn't miss him and was wanting to spend more and more time with dp, so when he got back i said I was leaving, a friend just so happened to have a newly spare room so I moved my stuff in there, lived there for 6 months and then dp and I moved in together. We didn't get together officially for a month after I left the ex and tried to keep it on the low to be sensitive to the situation - was I supposed to never get together with my dp because I happened to start liking him while with my ex?

There were no kids Involved But what I meant was that at the end of the day if the woman he ends up with is so much more right for him the one before then leaving is the best thing to do rather than have an affair!
And whether or not there was another woman should have no bearing on maintenance amounts or contact!

But yes I've had my life 'blown apart' by an ex cheating and leaving but it doesn't change my opinion!

I don't share Alita's views on the infidelity issue, but I really don't think it has anything whatsoever to do with questions of child maintenance. Regardless of what either partner has been put through during a split, maintenance is intended for the child's needs. If those have been increased in some way by the cause of the breakup, rather than the breakup itself, it might be relevant (I can only imagine a few circumstances where that would be the case) - otherwise, it isn't actually anything to do with it.

Bit of a distraction on this thread, really, and kind of inappropriate to ask.
It is pretty standard in RL to ask.
Surely not???!!! How rude.

Only if someone was asking advice on the ex wife maintenance. As in these circumstances.

FYIW, OP sounds like a very nice woman and it sounds like a tricky situation. Hopefully, the ex W gets a job quickly and everyone can move back into their easy routine.

What "ex wife maintenance"?
The OP and her DH aren't paying 'ex wife maintenance', and I think alimony is pretty unusual in the UK. The OP and her DH are paying above the requirement in child maintenance so that the DSD won't be negatively impacted by her mum's lack of income.
The reasons for the split make no difference!

You are paying an extreme amount in maintenance for one child! I never get £1.66pw!

No child costs that much. Paying £500pm over the recommended level is already subsidising the ex. If you're having to still pay more then I think you have to separate the extra money, not pay it to the ex and use it on the DSC yourself. The financial situation of ex isn't your responsibility.