A step parent's perspective on a new sibling

[WeebleOfWombledon]

I'm not sure if this is the right section to post in but it would be interesting to hear other step parent perspectives on this.

I'm a step mum to 2 DC, have DC with my DH and have a DD from a previous relationship. DD's dad and wife welcomed their first child a month ago. The baby is ex's DW's first.

When baby was born I received a text from ex asking me to let DD know. He later phoned her to tell her personally. Our arrangement with regards to DD has always been EOW Fri - Mon. We've always been quite flexible with access if things crop up and worked round it.

When baby was born ex asked if DD wouldn't mind missing the weekend as his wife was BF and getting to grips with being a parent. Fair enough, I know how hard it is with sleep deprivation and getting to latch and so on. The thing is, this "excuse" (sorry if it sounds harsh and I don't exactly mean it as if it's not a reason) is still riding. DD still hasn't seen her dad or her new sibling. We spent some time going out to buy the baby a silver money box for DD to give. She loves being a big sister so really wanted to get something for her new sibling. Her dad keeps saying that his wife is really struggling to come to grips so really just wants time with baby and would find it difficult to be dealing with two when it's so hard with one.

Now as I said, I understand how hard being a new mum is. But surely ex could take DD out for the day on the weekend and bring her home if he doesn't want her overnight but at least spend the 2 days of the weekend with her? She's desperate to meet her sibling too. It's ex's responsibility to be parenting DD anyway not his wife's.

Am I being unreasonable about being pissed off about how she seems to be cast aside in favour of what his wife needs? When DH and I had children together - within 2 days the DSC were introduced and when it came to the BF issue I used to take myself off and do it in a quiet room where they knew not to disturb. With needing the sleep - DH would take them out for the day and I'd catch up on sleep. They've always been welcome here no matter what's been going on. The last thing we've ever wanted was for the DSC to feel excluded - which unfortunately at the minute is exactly how my DD feels.

[lunar1]

How heartbreaking for your daughter. It always shocks me how parents can just walk away from their children, even though it happened to me as a child.

[Flexiblefriend]

Your poor DD. I can't believe how horrible this must be for her. I was in a very similar situation to your Ex's wife, in that I had an 11 year old DSS when DD was born. DSS came to see the baby as soon as possible. I can't remember exactly how old DD was at the time, as it was 6 years ago now, but we have several photos of DSS proudly holding a tiny newborn. She can't have been more than a week old. DSS continued to have the same relationship with me and his Dad, as he'd had before. I think you need to be having some serious words with your ex! I take it he's not planning on having any more children now then, or will he ship this one off elsewhere when the next one arrives?

[croquet]

Weeble you're absolutely right not letting your ex SIL use new wife as a scapegoat for your Ex's crapness. It's his DD for god's sake! It sounds like he's lost his mind. Astonished how he could do this so blatantly rather than a gradual decline!!

[alita7]

I find this so upsetting, we're going to have the opposite problem, one dsd lives with us so will see the baby ASAP, the other two aren't allowed to come outside of contact weekends at all. So if I have baby the Monday following a contact weekend I worry that they won't be allowed to come see baby for nearly two weeks by which time dsd 3 will have established a bond and it will be unfair!

So it shocks me to see her father being so blasé about her seeing her sibling! its so important for them to have that bond!

[brdgrl]

I worry that they won't be allowed to come see baby for nearly two weeks by which time dsd 3 will have established a bond and it will be unfair!
Alita, I wouldn't worry, honestly. Sibling bonds are not determined that way, they really aren't.

[brdgrl]

Also, alita, the reality in your situation is that one of the DSC is always going to have more time with and share more with the new child. You can't change that, and seeing it as fair or unfair isn't really gong to make any difference, the children will develop their own relationships with one another, and if the two who live together know each other better, that's the reality of the family they have. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Try not to make it a source of anxiety.

[croquet]

I agree with brdgrl -- try not to worry about the other family relationships being imperfect and various. There's little you can do, and mostly it's your DH's call.

[alita7]

I see what you're saying I just don't want them feeling left out from day 1 :/

Croquet dp gets no choice in the matter, their mum hasn't even let them stay an extra day today, a bank holiday when it's his birthday! Which is why I think if we asked if they could come over and see the baby on her weekend or in the evening after school, she'd say no.

Nothing that can be done I know, especially as we haven't got there yet and she may well surprise us.

[motherofanearlyfouryearold]

How is it going? Has she met the new baby or seen her dad?

[doziedoozie]

My first GC was born recently.

OMG I'd forgotten how scary birth can be, how difficult breast feeding is to get established, how exhausted everyone is due to lack of sleep, all the worries about weight gain, feeding, crying too much, that a new DM goes through.

I also have another family member, a 10 year old SSis to a new baby, she really doesn't like him much, he is a poor feeder and cries alot .
But I'm sure when he is a cute little thing sitting up and playing with things she will love him.

I would say to the DSD that her DF's wife is not very well (she might well be) and that she will see the baby when she is feeling better. Lots of time ahead for bonding imo.