A step parent's perspective on a new sibling

[WeebleOfWombledon]

I'm not sure if this is the right section to post in but it would be interesting to hear other step parent perspectives on this.

I'm a step mum to 2 DC, have DC with my DH and have a DD from a previous relationship. DD's dad and wife welcomed their first child a month ago. The baby is ex's DW's first.

When baby was born I received a text from ex asking me to let DD know. He later phoned her to tell her personally. Our arrangement with regards to DD has always been EOW Fri - Mon. We've always been quite flexible with access if things crop up and worked round it.

When baby was born ex asked if DD wouldn't mind missing the weekend as his wife was BF and getting to grips with being a parent. Fair enough, I know how hard it is with sleep deprivation and getting to latch and so on. The thing is, this "excuse" (sorry if it sounds harsh and I don't exactly mean it as if it's not a reason) is still riding. DD still hasn't seen her dad or her new sibling. We spent some time going out to buy the baby a silver money box for DD to give. She loves being a big sister so really wanted to get something for her new sibling. Her dad keeps saying that his wife is really struggling to come to grips so really just wants time with baby and would find it difficult to be dealing with two when it's so hard with one.

Now as I said, I understand how hard being a new mum is. But surely ex could take DD out for the day on the weekend and bring her home if he doesn't want her overnight but at least spend the 2 days of the weekend with her? She's desperate to meet her sibling too. It's ex's responsibility to be parenting DD anyway not his wife's.

Am I being unreasonable about being pissed off about how she seems to be cast aside in favour of what his wife needs? When DH and I had children together - within 2 days the DSC were introduced and when it came to the BF issue I used to take myself off and do it in a quiet room where they knew not to disturb. With needing the sleep - DH would take them out for the day and I'd catch up on sleep. They've always been welcome here no matter what's been going on. The last thing we've ever wanted was for the DSC to feel excluded - which unfortunately at the minute is exactly how my DD feels.

[doziedoozie]

My first GC was born recently.

OMG I'd forgotten how scary birth can be, how difficult breast feeding is to get established, how exhausted everyone is due to lack of sleep, all the worries about weight gain, feeding, crying too much, that a new DM goes through.

I also have another family member, a 10 year old SSis to a new baby, she really doesn't like him much, he is a poor feeder and cries alot .
But I'm sure when he is a cute little thing sitting up and playing with things she will love him.

I would say to the DSD that her DF's wife is not very well (she might well be) and that she will see the baby when she is feeling better. Lots of time ahead for bonding imo.

[motherofanearlyfouryearold]

How is it going? Has she met the new baby or seen her dad?

[alita7]

I see what you're saying I just don't want them feeling left out from day 1 :/

Croquet dp gets no choice in the matter, their mum hasn't even let them stay an extra day today, a bank holiday when it's his birthday! Which is why I think if we asked if they could come over and see the baby on her weekend or in the evening after school, she'd say no.

Nothing that can be done I know, especially as we haven't got there yet and she may well surprise us.

[croquet]

I agree with brdgrl -- try not to worry about the other family relationships being imperfect and various. There's little you can do, and mostly it's your DH's call.

[brdgrl]

Also, alita, the reality in your situation is that one of the DSC is always going to have more time with and share more with the new child. You can't change that, and seeing it as fair or unfair isn't really gong to make any difference, the children will develop their own relationships with one another, and if the two who live together know each other better, that's the reality of the family they have. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Try not to make it a source of anxiety.

[brdgrl]

I worry that they won't be allowed to come see baby for nearly two weeks by which time dsd 3 will have established a bond and it will be unfair!
Alita, I wouldn't worry, honestly. Sibling bonds are not determined that way, they really aren't.

[alita7]

I find this so upsetting, we're going to have the opposite problem, one dsd lives with us so will see the baby ASAP, the other two aren't allowed to come outside of contact weekends at all. So if I have baby the Monday following a contact weekend I worry that they won't be allowed to come see baby for nearly two weeks by which time dsd 3 will have established a bond and it will be unfair!

So it shocks me to see her father being so blasé about her seeing her sibling! its so important for them to have that bond!

[croquet]

Weeble you're absolutely right not letting your ex SIL use new wife as a scapegoat for your Ex's crapness. It's his DD for god's sake! It sounds like he's lost his mind. Astonished how he could do this so blatantly rather than a gradual decline!!

[Flexiblefriend]

Your poor DD. I can't believe how horrible this must be for her. I was in a very similar situation to your Ex's wife, in that I had an 11 year old DSS when DD was born. DSS came to see the baby as soon as possible. I can't remember exactly how old DD was at the time, as it was 6 years ago now, but we have several photos of DSS proudly holding a tiny newborn. She can't have been more than a week old. DSS continued to have the same relationship with me and his Dad, as he'd had before. I think you need to be having some serious words with your ex! I take it he's not planning on having any more children now then, or will he ship this one off elsewhere when the next one arrives?

[lunar1]

How heartbreaking for your daughter. It always shocks me how parents can just walk away from their children, even though it happened to me as a child.

[WeebleOfWombledon]

Thanks for all your responses. She still hasn't seen her father but is going to stay with her GPs next weekend. Apparently ex says it's 'too much' to be having her staying with him on the weekend because of such a young baby. But he will take her out for a couple of hours.

Maybe she'll be back staying with him when baby is preschool age

Seriously though, it's starting to look like he's trying to get out of his responsibilities to DD because of his new addition. There's been no mention of if she's meeting her sibling when she sees her dad or not either.

I've spoken to ex SIL too and she says it's down to DW being 'precious' over the baby. I've had to point out that she can't be blaming his DW (they don't get on) as DD is ex's responsibility and even if DW was the reason to the lack of contact then he needs to grow a backbone. It's down to him to keep a meaningful relationship with his daughter not anybody else.

[brdgrl]

crisps, I'm sorry that you had an unhappy time of it.

I would though like to say that I think there is a difference between a woman having her own daughter there on the day of (and you did say the day of, not a month later as in the OP) her labour, and having her partner's non-residential 13 year-old daughter there.

It is widely accepted on MN and elsewhere that the woman has a right to decide who is present during and immediately after the birth. There have been a number of threads about this in regards to MILs, for example.

I also think that if you treated your stepmum and father's relationship as a "joke" at the time, she may have felt rejected and disrespected, and not much like having you around when she was exhausted and emotional.

You clearly felt pushed out in other ways, but I am afraid I must speak up on this one. On the day your stepmum gave birth, you weren't there. Doesn't seem so unreasonable to me. I wasn't there on the day my full siblings were born, for that matter!

[crispsanddips]

When I was 13 my dad and his fioncee had a baby. My half sibling. The fioncee already had an 8 year old daughter.

On the day the baby was born I wanted to go visit and meet my new sibling. My dad said I was not allowed because it was too much for his fioncee. My own mum asked my dad where fioncees 8 year old daughter was, and she was there with the baby. I was being excluded.

If I began to write down the problems they caused by excluding me I would be here all night. I believe it is only because of my mum I am not messed up over my dads treatment of me whilst he was with his new family.

Anyway, years later and I have a brilliant relationship with my half sibling :) and my dad and the fioncee married and seperated in the space of two years. In my eyes, their whole relationship was a joke.

I wish your daughter the best.

[MojitoMadness]

So the baby is a month old and dd has still not seen her new sibling? That's pretty awful on your ex's part, no matter how his DW is feeling. Your dd is 11, it's not like she's a demanding toddler who would require constant attention.

When my dd1 was born DSD was 10.5. She lived with us then. Apart from her staying at her grandparents for 3 nights whilst I was in labour she saw dd1 the same day she was born whilst I was still in hospital. I wouldn't have had it any other way. She was so excited at being a big sister and she was at an age were she was such a big help. She would do little things like get me the changing mat and nappy box. Make me a cup of tea whilst I was feeding dd etc. And she delighted in holding dd1 as much as possible. I FF so she was able to feed her and it helped me as it meant I could eat, or shower etc.

If DH had pushed her out it would have changed my whole opinion of him and vice versa. Your ex and his wife are being completely unreasonable and cruel. Your poor dd, I hope the GP can talk some sense into them.

[pootlebug]

I am a stepmum. I totally agree with the post above:

"I'll admit that after having my baby the thought of my sc visiting did not fill me with joy. Harsh as it may sound, I think it's natural to just want to be with your husband and new baby for a while. If I'm honest, I didn't want to share those first precious experiences with anyone but my husband. Having said that, contact continued as normal. I would have never asked for them to be kept away for any period of time because it wouldn't have been fair on them or my husband. I know they would have felt incredibly hurt and rejected"

I gave birth to my first on the Tuesday, and Fri-Sun was normal contact weekend with DSS (then 10). It was really really tough. I was desperately trying to establish feeding. DD spent all of both nights feeding every few minutes and my nipples were bleeding so much she was throwing up blood. I was so exhausted I wasn't functioning properly at all (at one point I remember picking her up for a feed, then unlatching her and putting her back in the moses basket as I was convinced someone had given me the wrong baby, and I wasn't feeding some random baby - where was mine? It took me several minutes to realise she was actually my baby and I'm really grateful I did nothing more drastic than put her down in her moses basket). DH spent much of the daytime/evening with DSS and I insisted he go to sleep so he could do the same the next day.

It was hell. It would have been so much easier with my husband totally focussed on me and the baby. But I don't regret it - anything else would have left DSS feeling horribly pushed aside and it wasn't worth risking his future relationship with his sister and Dad.

[alita7]

Brd then it's appropriate that your dh did the thinking :p I have also decided to become pregnant with my first (I wasn't going to go without children just because he's got three, which luckily he agreed with) and while I have been considering the needs of the others, particularly how we're going to make things the best they can be for dsd who lives with us (her mum had much kids after her before she came to us and she loves being a big sister and loves babies but her mum wouldn't really let her do much with them, or hold them often and I want to include her as much as possible!) But it is ultimately dps role to do what a best for his kids not mine.

The ops ex isn't doing that by the sounds of things, he hasn't even taken an hour out to take her for dinner somewhere.

[brdgrl]

it is my firm belief then when you decide to have more children you should take into consideration how the other children will be impacted upon.
Maybe so, but I didn't decide to have more children. I decided to have my first child.
My DH did have to take things into consideration with his existing children, and that's what he did. :) They were happy. They're close now to their sister. No one was negatively impacted by waiting a day.

(Obviously, and as I have already said - a day and a month are very different, and I don't think the new mum in the OP's case is being reasonable, although I do think there may be a reason for her behaviour, I think the exDH should be more communicative about that reason, if there is one.)

[Bagofbags]

How sad for you DD
You sound like you're being very reasonable about it. My DSC's came to visit me and DS in hospital when he was only a few hours old. They do live with us though, so I suppose it's a bit different.

[WinterLover]

I'll add she was the first visitor to see him too. Not sure if that would have been the case if it wasn't our contact Weekend but she always tells people that she saw him first at 5 hours old (hes nearly 3 now)

[WinterLover]

From a step mum perspective, my DS was premature, in hospital for just over a week. Lots of problems with feeding BUT DSD was with us when I went into labour (7pm). We didn't send her back to mums she stayed the night with our family. I insisted that she came to the hospital as soon as visitor's were allowed. She ended up seeing him at 5 hours old. She still came the following weekend as normal and was there to welcome us home. Her and DS have always been close (although hes starting to be the annoying brother now).

[alita7]

it is my firm belief then when you decide to have more children you should take into consideration how the other children will be impacted upon.
I'm not saying put them first but everything should be done to minimise any negative effects the new baby could have on the existing children. Her routine is just as important as the new baby settling.

[prawnypoos]

Poor lass! I think missing out the first weekend is fair enough but a whole month!? Come on!! Like you say she's 11 it's not like she's a 3 year old constantly nagging for attention or throwing temper tantrums! Ex's DW like you say, could have PND but that doesn't stop ex taking DD out for the afternoon and I'm sure she desperate to meet her new sibling! I remember when my DD was born, DSD was 3 and we had her the day I came out of hospital and tried to keep EVERYTHING the same as it was before. It was difficult and looking back I could've done with that first week alone with my new baby as I really struggled with BF she was my first baby too. But your scenario is different DD is old enough to help and also realise that the world doesn't revolve around her but at the same time not really being bothered about that. I think you need to have a word and suggest he takes her out somewhere as it really isn't fair on DD

[croquet]

p.s. There might be something the DW / your Ex hasn't even told the gps, like she's been left completely incontinent by the birth and is in meltdown -- all sorts of things like that could happen. I'm thinking PND though, and your Ex is frightened by it.

[croquet]

Well done - let us know how it goes.

[WeebleOfWombledon]

Thanks all. I spoke to her GPs at length. I didn't exactly mean to pry but did ask if everything was alright and as far as they're aware everything is. They can't understand why DD hasn't seen her sibling yet either.

I explained that she's starting to feel really pushed out with all this and only wants to be involved and be able to see her dad and they've said they'll have a word as it's certainly not on. They're pretty level headed so I know they'll tell ex how it is.

The only thing I'm worried on now is, if everything is perfectly fine, where exactly DD is going to fit in to her new family dynamic if she's being pushed out already.