A step parent's perspective on a new sibling

[WeebleOfWombledon]

I'm not sure if this is the right section to post in but it would be interesting to hear other step parent perspectives on this.

I'm a step mum to 2 DC, have DC with my DH and have a DD from a previous relationship. DD's dad and wife welcomed their first child a month ago. The baby is ex's DW's first.

When baby was born I received a text from ex asking me to let DD know. He later phoned her to tell her personally. Our arrangement with regards to DD has always been EOW Fri - Mon. We've always been quite flexible with access if things crop up and worked round it.

When baby was born ex asked if DD wouldn't mind missing the weekend as his wife was BF and getting to grips with being a parent. Fair enough, I know how hard it is with sleep deprivation and getting to latch and so on. The thing is, this "excuse" (sorry if it sounds harsh and I don't exactly mean it as if it's not a reason) is still riding. DD still hasn't seen her dad or her new sibling. We spent some time going out to buy the baby a silver money box for DD to give. She loves being a big sister so really wanted to get something for her new sibling. Her dad keeps saying that his wife is really struggling to come to grips so really just wants time with baby and would find it difficult to be dealing with two when it's so hard with one.

Now as I said, I understand how hard being a new mum is. But surely ex could take DD out for the day on the weekend and bring her home if he doesn't want her overnight but at least spend the 2 days of the weekend with her? She's desperate to meet her sibling too. It's ex's responsibility to be parenting DD anyway not his wife's.

Am I being unreasonable about being pissed off about how she seems to be cast aside in favour of what his wife needs? When DH and I had children together - within 2 days the DSC were introduced and when it came to the BF issue I used to take myself off and do it in a quiet room where they knew not to disturb. With needing the sleep - DH would take them out for the day and I'd catch up on sleep. They've always been welcome here no matter what's been going on. The last thing we've ever wanted was for the DSC to feel excluded - which unfortunately at the minute is exactly how my DD feels.

[MeridianB]

Hi Weeble. I just wanted to agree with previous posters that your approach seems so calm and sensible and it sounds as if you're being completely reasonable and constructive. I'm sure it's not easy especially as this is a day-to-day issue.

I am expecting My first DC in the summer and my DH and I have talked a lot about how/when we will be making sure his DD (9) is included and reassured - altogether as a family and also for him and her on a one-to-one basis - it's such an important thing to us as well as for her.

If your exH is generally reasonable I can only imagine all this is due to a health problem for his DW. It's a tricky one as you don't want to pry but if that is the reason at least it would better than just no information/reason and at 12 you daughter could make sense of that, I'm sure, for a little while, at least.

I think your next idea of the GPs is a good one. I'm sorry I cannot come up with any new tips but wanted to wish you luck and hope it's resolved very soon.

[Malificentmaud]

I think you are being more than reasonable. I assume he is back at work if it was a month ago and therefore Mum copes with the baby alone so dad can take DD out for a bit?

Or he could take baby out for an hour or so and dd could go along to meet the baby. I'm all up for being flexible when a new baby arrives and not smothering the mother immediately but I imagine your DD is feeling quite sad about this now.

[brdgrl]

I'm quite firmly on the side of a new mum being allowed some time without siblings and in-laws...but a month? Poor DD.

I really do wonder if there isn't something more going on here. I had a close friend whose baby was born severely disabled - he basically cut contact with all of our immediate circle of friends and even his very best friend (the one who was able to tell the rest of us what was going on!) didn't actually see the baby for months.
Or yes, maybe she has severe PND?

[WeebleOfWombledon]

The thing is, I know I don't have the right to know what's going on in his family life anymore but DD does. If she has PND then fair enough and I can't imagine what she's going through. Or god forbid there is something wrong with the baby. I don't expect to know the ins and outs but he could at least give DD more of an explanation instead of the "DW needs time" excuse. It can only last so long.

Just a simple explanation of DW has been very poorly so needs time to recover or baby is poorly and needs a lot more immediate care than we first thought." Again, that's not going to what exactly is wrong either. But if he told her that I could come up with possible explanations with DD so she doesn't feel left out and could understand a lot more about what's going on.

[brdgrl]

Oh, I agree! I think you are well within rights and normal behaviour to send a nicely worded email asking if there is anything you can do to make it easier for DD to meet the new sibling she is so, so looking forward to getting to know. Unless there has been bad feeling with the new wife previously, it wouldn't seem like prying or unreasonable, IMHO, to say "How is Wifey doing? I have been thinking of her and how tough it can be with the first one. Is everything going OK? Let's talk about how to manage things so DD won't be too much for her."

[alita7]

he doesn't need to tell you any details but If there is a good reason he just needs to say to you that there is a good reason, he then needs to talk to dd. even if she has pnd then unless it's so bad she's in a mum and baby unit then there must be something that can be sorted out even if only for half an hour.

[CountryGal13]

I'll admit that after having my baby the thought of my sc visiting did not fill me with joy. Harsh as it may sound, I think it's natural to just want to be with your husband and new baby for a while. If I'm honest, I didn't want to share those first precious experiences with anyone but my husband. Having said that, contact continued as normal. I would have never asked for them to be kept away for any period of time because it wouldn't have been fair on them or my husband. I know they would have felt incredibly hurt and rejected.
I sometimes browse another forum where this subject comes up time and time again. On there it seems the norm for sm to want to keep the sc away for the first few weeks. The other step mums seems to be in agreement that this is completely acceptable. I disagree and although it wasn't easy, keeping them away was never an option.
I'd definitely message her dad or grand parents again and explain how upset she is ect. It's time they stopped being so selfish and let your daughter meet her sibling. More than enough time has passed.

[wheresthelight]

I was a first time mum in august last year and dsc's were due to visit for their weekend with us the followingweek, hhowever due to an important project at work dp wasn't able to take paternity leave so had to go back to work and it meant he would have been at work all weekend (nights amd sleeping day) and I would be on my own with dd and his 2. I did ask that contact was cancelled as I was so overwhelmed by it all and was in an awful lot of pain and discomfort after being stitched etc and his exw went crackers! So firstly thank you on new dw behalf for being lovely and understanding!!

However, we did then have the kids for a full week when dd was 3 weeks old so they got quality time with her! Due to holidays with their Dm and a summer school thing they weren't able to meet her before them as dp was working lots and exw refuses to do drop offs even though we live less than a mile from each other.

I would have it out with your exh and insist that he sees your dd even if overnights are not possible. Maybe offer to drop her over for a couple of hours and then pick her up again if it helps.

If this is coming from the dw I suspect she must be really struggling esp if there have been no issues previously

[brdgrl]

I did limit the visits from my (then DP, now DH)'s kids.

I was kept in hospital for two days, where they were not permitted to visit anyway (barely got to see DP, at that!), and then I waited another full day after going home.

I did not live with DP but he did live full-time with his children. We arranged for the DSC's gran to come and stay with them for a week so that he could spend more time than usual at mine. I should say that the DSCs were teens, not very young children.

If I had felt stronger, I'd have said I needed another couple of days before he brought the DSC round. I did not want visitors. Period. I slightly regret that I felt pushed into seeing people in my home when I was not ready.

[WeebleOfWombledon]

Thanks all. I spoke to her GPs at length. I didn't exactly mean to pry but did ask if everything was alright and as far as they're aware everything is. They can't understand why DD hasn't seen her sibling yet either.

I explained that she's starting to feel really pushed out with all this and only wants to be involved and be able to see her dad and they've said they'll have a word as it's certainly not on. They're pretty level headed so I know they'll tell ex how it is.

The only thing I'm worried on now is, if everything is perfectly fine, where exactly DD is going to fit in to her new family dynamic if she's being pushed out already.

[croquet]

Well done - let us know how it goes.

[croquet]

p.s. There might be something the DW / your Ex hasn't even told the gps, like she's been left completely incontinent by the birth and is in meltdown -- all sorts of things like that could happen. I'm thinking PND though, and your Ex is frightened by it.

[prawnypoos]

Poor lass! I think missing out the first weekend is fair enough but a whole month!? Come on!! Like you say she's 11 it's not like she's a 3 year old constantly nagging for attention or throwing temper tantrums! Ex's DW like you say, could have PND but that doesn't stop ex taking DD out for the afternoon and I'm sure she desperate to meet her new sibling! I remember when my DD was born, DSD was 3 and we had her the day I came out of hospital and tried to keep EVERYTHING the same as it was before. It was difficult and looking back I could've done with that first week alone with my new baby as I really struggled with BF she was my first baby too. But your scenario is different DD is old enough to help and also realise that the world doesn't revolve around her but at the same time not really being bothered about that. I think you need to have a word and suggest he takes her out somewhere as it really isn't fair on DD

[alita7]

it is my firm belief then when you decide to have more children you should take into consideration how the other children will be impacted upon.
I'm not saying put them first but everything should be done to minimise any negative effects the new baby could have on the existing children. Her routine is just as important as the new baby settling.

[WinterLover]

From a step mum perspective, my DS was premature, in hospital for just over a week. Lots of problems with feeding BUT DSD was with us when I went into labour (7pm). We didn't send her back to mums she stayed the night with our family. I insisted that she came to the hospital as soon as visitor's were allowed. She ended up seeing him at 5 hours old. She still came the following weekend as normal and was there to welcome us home. Her and DS have always been close (although hes starting to be the annoying brother now).

[WinterLover]

I'll add she was the first visitor to see him too. Not sure if that would have been the case if it wasn't our contact Weekend but she always tells people that she saw him first at 5 hours old (hes nearly 3 now)

[Bagofbags]

How sad for you DD
You sound like you're being very reasonable about it. My DSC's came to visit me and DS in hospital when he was only a few hours old. They do live with us though, so I suppose it's a bit different.

[brdgrl]

it is my firm belief then when you decide to have more children you should take into consideration how the other children will be impacted upon.
Maybe so, but I didn't decide to have more children. I decided to have my first child.
My DH did have to take things into consideration with his existing children, and that's what he did. :) They were happy. They're close now to their sister. No one was negatively impacted by waiting a day.

(Obviously, and as I have already said - a day and a month are very different, and I don't think the new mum in the OP's case is being reasonable, although I do think there may be a reason for her behaviour, I think the exDH should be more communicative about that reason, if there is one.)

[alita7]

Brd then it's appropriate that your dh did the thinking :p I have also decided to become pregnant with my first (I wasn't going to go without children just because he's got three, which luckily he agreed with) and while I have been considering the needs of the others, particularly how we're going to make things the best they can be for dsd who lives with us (her mum had much kids after her before she came to us and she loves being a big sister and loves babies but her mum wouldn't really let her do much with them, or hold them often and I want to include her as much as possible!) But it is ultimately dps role to do what a best for his kids not mine.

The ops ex isn't doing that by the sounds of things, he hasn't even taken an hour out to take her for dinner somewhere.

[pootlebug]

I am a stepmum. I totally agree with the post above:

"I'll admit that after having my baby the thought of my sc visiting did not fill me with joy. Harsh as it may sound, I think it's natural to just want to be with your husband and new baby for a while. If I'm honest, I didn't want to share those first precious experiences with anyone but my husband. Having said that, contact continued as normal. I would have never asked for them to be kept away for any period of time because it wouldn't have been fair on them or my husband. I know they would have felt incredibly hurt and rejected"

I gave birth to my first on the Tuesday, and Fri-Sun was normal contact weekend with DSS (then 10). It was really really tough. I was desperately trying to establish feeding. DD spent all of both nights feeding every few minutes and my nipples were bleeding so much she was throwing up blood. I was so exhausted I wasn't functioning properly at all (at one point I remember picking her up for a feed, then unlatching her and putting her back in the moses basket as I was convinced someone had given me the wrong baby, and I wasn't feeding some random baby - where was mine? It took me several minutes to realise she was actually my baby and I'm really grateful I did nothing more drastic than put her down in her moses basket). DH spent much of the daytime/evening with DSS and I insisted he go to sleep so he could do the same the next day.

It was hell. It would have been so much easier with my husband totally focussed on me and the baby. But I don't regret it - anything else would have left DSS feeling horribly pushed aside and it wasn't worth risking his future relationship with his sister and Dad.

[MojitoMadness]

So the baby is a month old and dd has still not seen her new sibling? That's pretty awful on your ex's part, no matter how his DW is feeling. Your dd is 11, it's not like she's a demanding toddler who would require constant attention.

When my dd1 was born DSD was 10.5. She lived with us then. Apart from her staying at her grandparents for 3 nights whilst I was in labour she saw dd1 the same day she was born whilst I was still in hospital. I wouldn't have had it any other way. She was so excited at being a big sister and she was at an age were she was such a big help. She would do little things like get me the changing mat and nappy box. Make me a cup of tea whilst I was feeding dd etc. And she delighted in holding dd1 as much as possible. I FF so she was able to feed her and it helped me as it meant I could eat, or shower etc.

If DH had pushed her out it would have changed my whole opinion of him and vice versa. Your ex and his wife are being completely unreasonable and cruel. Your poor dd, I hope the GP can talk some sense into them.

[crispsanddips]

When I was 13 my dad and his fioncee had a baby. My half sibling. The fioncee already had an 8 year old daughter.

On the day the baby was born I wanted to go visit and meet my new sibling. My dad said I was not allowed because it was too much for his fioncee. My own mum asked my dad where fioncees 8 year old daughter was, and she was there with the baby. I was being excluded.

If I began to write down the problems they caused by excluding me I would be here all night. I believe it is only because of my mum I am not messed up over my dads treatment of me whilst he was with his new family.

Anyway, years later and I have a brilliant relationship with my half sibling :) and my dad and the fioncee married and seperated in the space of two years. In my eyes, their whole relationship was a joke.

I wish your daughter the best.

[brdgrl]

crisps, I'm sorry that you had an unhappy time of it.

I would though like to say that I think there is a difference between a woman having her own daughter there on the day of (and you did say the day of, not a month later as in the OP) her labour, and having her partner's non-residential 13 year-old daughter there.

It is widely accepted on MN and elsewhere that the woman has a right to decide who is present during and immediately after the birth. There have been a number of threads about this in regards to MILs, for example.

I also think that if you treated your stepmum and father's relationship as a "joke" at the time, she may have felt rejected and disrespected, and not much like having you around when she was exhausted and emotional.

You clearly felt pushed out in other ways, but I am afraid I must speak up on this one. On the day your stepmum gave birth, you weren't there. Doesn't seem so unreasonable to me. I wasn't there on the day my full siblings were born, for that matter!

[WeebleOfWombledon]

Thanks for all your responses. She still hasn't seen her father but is going to stay with her GPs next weekend. Apparently ex says it's 'too much' to be having her staying with him on the weekend because of such a young baby. But he will take her out for a couple of hours.

Maybe she'll be back staying with him when baby is preschool age

Seriously though, it's starting to look like he's trying to get out of his responsibilities to DD because of his new addition. There's been no mention of if she's meeting her sibling when she sees her dad or not either.

I've spoken to ex SIL too and she says it's down to DW being 'precious' over the baby. I've had to point out that she can't be blaming his DW (they don't get on) as DD is ex's responsibility and even if DW was the reason to the lack of contact then he needs to grow a backbone. It's down to him to keep a meaningful relationship with his daughter not anybody else.