I HATE weekends

[Whatdoesthefoxthink]

God I hope someone understands because I'm seriously considering leaving over this.

I hate hate hate weekends. I hate every one of them. DP has his kids (17 and 18) EVERY weekend, Saturday until Sunday. EVERY weekend is the same. Friday afternoon DP and I spend the afternoon together because secretly, we both know the next couple of days will involve arguing with each other, ignoring each other or simply avoiding each other. Why? because he does not want to know me when his kids are here.

Saturday he picks the kids up at 4pm but doesn't want to do anything before then as he's so concerned about getting home on time to pick the "kids" up (they're adults now really, to be fair).

Then Saturday evening is spent with the 17 year old dominating the TV and the 18 year old dominating the computer. I'm wandering around the house bored to death. This goes on well into the night so I go to bed (alone, usually). Sunday morning - same. 17 year old straight onto the TV and 18 year old straight onto the computer. Nobody speaks, nobody talks to each other. It's boring and depressing.

I've just asked DP what we're doing this weekend and his reply was that he's taking his kids to football at 3pm and they'll be back about 5.30. Then see above as to what my saturday night will entail.

Yesterday we got invited to a night out in a couple of weeks on a saturday night. I thought "oh that will make a change!" until DP suggested that DSS1 come with us as he's 18 and will be allowed in the bar. He won't bring any money with him so DP and I will have to really, really limit what we're drinking as we'll be buying drinks for 3 people and of course ... I'll now be ignored all night. No point in me going actually.

Not sure it's worth it to be honest. I've tried talking to him and he gets all defensive and decides I have something against his kids.

My DSC come ever weekend (Fri and Sat nights). Watching TV is a normal enough thing for teens to want to do in an evening - and I find simiarly that they don't always want to watch what I would. I have tried to strike up some compromises though - and to push DP to consult me before he just declares what everyone is watching. Best approach I've found being to be already installed on the couch and in possession of the remote control when they arrive

I would go out with your own friends a bit more and leave them to watch TV - or take yourself off to another room with a laptop or a good book.

And I would push your DP to be a bit more flexible about what time he picks them up if it's getting in the way of Saturday plans. It's not as if they can't be left alone for an hour or two if there mum needs to go out, so no reason for him to stick rigidly to 4pm. Unless you live in the absolute middle of nowhere they should be able to make their own way round to yours by that age.

Are they very quiet kinds of kids who don't really have social lives? Or do they not want to go out on a Saturday because it's the only night they see their dad? Most teen social lives tend to happen on a Saturday so a bit odd that neither of them ever go out?

Are they likely to be off to University in a year or two?

I think teenagers who have strictly rostered access tend to develop late, in terms of socialising. If they have to spend every (or alternate) weekends 'away' this can really inhibit a fledgling social life. Or in the case of my DSS, his Dad became his social life.

Hmm I can see your problem- it sounds like you're not resenting them for being a part of your partners or indeed your life and it sounds like your problem isn't that you don't get to be the centre of his attention at weekends... it seems more that you would be happy with the situation if everyone was actually having quality time together instead of the kids spending the whole time attached to your electricals. Also preventing you from using them. Maybe you need to put it that way to your dp- that you can't hack having such a boring weekend dominated by kids he doesn't actually interact properly with and make some suggestions of things you could do together instead- the cinema, go out for a walk or for dinner, playing bored games, even watching a film or programme you all would like to see on the tv etc etc. I don't have this problem but I do get annoyed when my dp does something other than spending time with the kids, whether it be playing on the computer or going out to see a friend when the two that don't live with us are here.

I also understand the money problem about having dss1 come drinking with you when you might barely be able to afford to go out yourselves- but then again at least you'd be doing something together.

I think it depends where you live, Petal - maybe that happens if the NRP lives some way away from their friends. But my DSC don't seem to have found it a problem as we're nearer their school than their mum is. And actually a fixed weekly (as opposed to fortnightly) rota ought to be easier for them to fit a social life around as they always know where they'll be on any day of the week.

But maybe it's partly also dads who feel they don't see enough of their DC putting pressure on them to stay in when they come over.

We have the similarly aged kids here every weekend and every weeknight - but if DH spent every weekend evening 'hanging out' with them, I'd be pretty annoyed. We do things as a couple, and most opportunities are at the weekend.

Of course we all do things together sometimes, and sometimes he might do something with one or both of them and not with me and so on...but the idea that I'd just take myself off every weekend so as not to get in their way? Pffft.

We have the same situation, although DSD is younger and it's not a case of rota compliance, it's more that the rota was scrapped (rightly so) as she got older so now she comes when she likes. I have a number of theories:
1, She doesn't really like spending time with her Mum but is allowed to come a maximum of 2/3 nights so chooses weekend nights as it means she can stay away longer whilst still conforming to Mum's rules.
2, Mum is skint and encourages DSD to come here on the expensive times and when are most likely to want romantic time together
3, We do fun things at the weekend and so she'd rather do that than spend "normal" time as a family on week nights
4, She genuinely likes our company!!

Whatever the reason, it can make things really hard. If you had kids together you would have had time before they came on the scene to "date" etc. And by the time they reached the age they are, you'd be back out together again because they'd either be out, or they'd stay in on their own. Because time is treated as so precious, there's no escape.

It's not on and you need to tell your husband he needs to start appreciating you - or ship out!

Regards the paying when you go out - it could sound miserly. But it's so expensive out now, paying for three adults between two of you is just annoying! Doesn't the eldest at least have a job so he could contribute to nights out? My Dad has always paid for me when we've gone out. Even now I'm in my 30s and could well earn more than him (he's retired) it's just the way it is, so I can kind of understand that part. But it's not every bloody weekend!

And just no to the suggestion about going out and doing your own thing. You don't live with/ marry your partner so you can spend every weekend doing your own thing. I know it sounds cheesy as fuck but my DH is genuinely my best friend. We like to do things together. I also go out with friends and family but generally we are mates... It wouldn't bode well for the future when the kids do finally fly the nest if we hadn't spent time together up until that point.

Don't get me wrong, I would find every weekend hard going as well, does that ever change op, eg can you go away for the weekend (with dp) or is it just a flat no?

Having said that, you have still have fri night, most of Saturday, and presumably Sunday eve as well, can you work on dp to make the most of the time you DO have?

Pull out the main electrical fuse.
Pop it in your handbag.
Go out with friends.

Just kidding.
What about making sure everything is switched off and the front door locked, you ready and waiting by the door, announce an activity, cinema, pub, meal out ect. Would that break the catch 22 crap cycle rut thing ?

Russian - the OP only has the DSC over one night a week, and will probably only go on doing so for another year or so. It's a bit different to never spending any time with your DP. I don't think it's unreasonable really for a parent to want to spend one night a week just hanging around with his DC watching telly. Lots of people do that most nights of the week. She still has the other 6 nights of the week to go out with him.

As long as he will come out to important social events (parties etc) on the odd occasion, I do think that just amusing yourself one night a week isn't that hard.

But OP - if you want to do things with the DSC other than watching TV, or having them on computers, a lot of those things will cost money. They're not really going to pay their own way at that age, so that's just something you'd have to accept if you want to get out the house with them. I can't see a problem to going to the pub with an 18 year old DSC once in a while.

Ah yes, at saw it was one night. It's probably more the rigidity of it that's a problem, like Dad can't say "son, we've been invited out on Saturday, can you come Friday instead?" Normal things like that aren't happening and it can build up resentment so the build up to Saturday night is tense.

The power is in you partners hands here, OP.

I have to say OP - every Friday night sounds lush. We have dsd here every Friday night and most Saturdays too! That's my own fault though

I hate all this access rota stuff for adults, it's ridiculous and part of the reason I split with my ex. We never did move in together but he was totally unavailable at weekends (Friday to Sunday AND Wednesday nights) as he had his 18 year old lad over. At first I thought it was nice that he had such a close relationship with him but after a bit I felt a bit that we could never do anything on a weekend. Instead he'd send me pictures over his phone of this 18 year old bloke sat having an icecream at the seaside (seriously!!). When I finished with him I told him why. He said "but if we moved in together it would be different because you'd be with us." The OP is like a premonition of what could have been ... thank Christ I turned it down. Ridiculous.

Its probably more the rigidity that's the problem

Indeed. Having been through the whole "we have to pick DSS up at 4pm, just because that's what we've done every week since he was 11" thing, I can understand how frustrating it gets. Having to do exactly the same thing, week in, week out, for no other reason than replicating history, is really mind-numbing. One of the perils of "set in stone" arrangements.

He'd send me pictures over his phone of this 18 yr old bloke sat having an icecream at the seaside (seriously)!!!

Oh yes, SisterEmily, I believe you - and that sort of thing all starts to feel Not Quite Right ......

Its so hard and frustrating- I have 3 dc who have all left home, so done my bit x 3 times, now still doing it every single weekend with dsd from fri 4pm to sun 6pm! wouldnt be so bad if she was nice, but shes moody, sullen, silent and spoilt by DP!

The icecream thing

Hilarious! (sorry)

You know I think men like to replace their ex, set up a relationship, and then just let it run. They think a new GF, DP, DW will just slot in to their life and even if they do have the sense to dare to want to date or "woo" the woman, they are being feckless and selfish and awful to their (ADULT!) children.

Unhealthy all round. A 17 and 18 year old should have a social life and so should your husband. I had to re-read OP, if it was every other weekend fair enough, but every weekend. My DD age 11 moans if I go out but I explain that parents also need to hang out with friends.

Sounds regimented and a bit silly at their ages, they are adults. Is anyone gettting anything positive out of this? Can't imagine my kids going to their dad's every weekend at that age, he wouldn't know what to do with them for a start.

Gosh, OP. your weekends sound awful.

I don't know what to suggest particularly - apart from making your own weekend plans - and let DP stop home with his teen DC.

Agree that it is odd that they aren't out doing their own thing. From the age of 14/15 I was out every night. No one wanted to hang out with their parents. Very odd.

I am in a similar position. Two DSC. One is 17. When he comes over he too sits with us and watches tv. If I want to go out to the pub/walk with DH, he feels like he should stay home with his DC as has come to see him.

My DS lives with us, he is 16. Granted he doesn't go out much with friends, but he does spend most of his time in his room. And doesn't give a jot if we go out and leave him alone.

I fully sympathize and need help desperately. I am fuming. We have 5 kids between us but none together. I never assume mine are innocent until it is proven, all kids have their faults just like adults. Last weekend his dd came down and complained about my dd and my ds (his ds was up there as well) My kids were instantly dragged down and giving a grilling for 3/4 of an hour whilst his dd was outside refusing to come in (shes 15). In my opinion it sounded like hormonal 15 year old was in a strop and went up to where the others were playing and couldn't hack it. She admitted to over dramatising a bit and sort of ran off an apology. My daughter was made to apologise for something she said. My dp and I then had a row because I felt he was overly harsh with my kids who were backed up by his ds. When he returned home after taking them home he announced that his dd had apologised to him. (Not to us mind, just to him). This weekend his dd didn't come up. His xw said his dd felt like he never backed her up and that he should always back his kids against mine. His xw then took his dd to town instead to buy clothes! His dd obviously bitched to his xw after her so called heart felt apology to him alone. This weekend my dd was snapped at by my dp for teasing his ds by asking if he danced with a girl at a disco. Help is this me??????? Please I can barely look at my dp who I love very much.

did the op ever come back??

2manyhormones - sorry I couldn't quite follow what had gone on

First ever post and not sure how to explain. I am not really sure how it got to be as much as a drama as it did. His dd accused my ds of squeaking a parrot in her face (which it later turned out he just squeaked as he went past) playing with the other two. My dd was originally told by his dd to stop squeaking the parrot on the landing coz his dd was trying to play the keyboard (or she would tell her dad). My dd went in her bedroom on that floor with his ds and carried on playing. My ds went up after that and squeaked it on the landing so his dd came down and complained. My dd (10) said shes going to tell her dad on us as she went (my dd was told off for this). Just to explain the house has three floors. On the top floor is my sons and daughters room with a connecting bathroom so it goes round in a circle. My son was also reported for scaring his dd when he came out of his bedroom door.

I feel his dd was being stroppy and hormonal. I could see it he couldn't. My ds and dd were subjected to quite a harsh grilling when really the situation didn't warrant it. We had no proper apology. Then his dd decides to make it out to his ew that her dd did not stick up for her then punishes him by not coming to see him and gets a treat from her mum by getting taken into town to buy clothes. This seems to have made him feel bad and sorry for her rather than annoyed like it should do. His dd gets very hormonal and really mad and very often takes it out on one of my dc and her brother.