DSC & New Baby

[ElBumpo]

I have been with my husband for just over two years. He has yet to secure court ordered contact that allows them to come to our home or meet me (he sees them 1 day a week). I have a baby due in about 3 months. Depending on court progression, there is a chance his children could meet me either 8 weeks before, 9 days before or not until after the baby is due.

Last year, DSCs mother had said that I would be introduced to the children at the start of this year but then changed her mind in January. She hasn't given any solid reasons for her objections but I can appreciate her reluctance at introducing "the new partner" having been in her position a few years ago. I'm not the OW in case that makes a difference.

So, in the absence of a way to go back and delay the conception of their half-sibling - what's the best way to handle this? DH hasn't said anything yet as they are both quite young (just turned 5 and nearly 4).

Any tips on what to say, when to say it etc would be appreciated. DH has considered putting together photos and video messages from us here to "introduce" us without actually meeting us but I'm unsure. The DSC do know about me and my children and have since last year. DSC often send colouring pages as "gifts" to my children and are keen to meet them.

I'm concerned that their mother will confuse them by saying our baby isn't their sibling or that they will never see the baby - these fears aren't completely unfounded, he's only just got DSC to believe that he is their dad after they'd been saying things like "Mummy says you can't be our daddy because you don't live with us" etc.

I'd appreciate if people didn't point out that we should have waited for a final court order before conceiving - we are already aware of that.

I haven't enabled, unless it was unconscious. I now stand in the background pushing him forwards, constantly, it's exhausting. I agree it would have been far simpler to have not moved in, got married and pregnant - but I can't go back, I can only look at what options we have now.

He is going to have to do something tomorrow that is likely to cause contact to fail but I have told him I have had enough and explained it in a way he can understand. He is getting there, slowly, but he cannot bear to not see his children. Additionally, we are currently at a point where overnights is the next reasonable step in terms of contact length - the all day contact has gone without a hitch and so when the CAFCASS report comes back clear we can progress again. If he was still at 2 hours or 4-6 hours, CAFCASS would probably want to drag out an extension to full days before we got overnights.

Hopefully in 6 months time this will have been over for a whole and we can just move on..!

And that's what I mean by blasé, your DHs DCs are already emotionally damaged - it won't just go away.
Many contested court cases last for years with repeated applications, breachesxandcorders. What makes you so certain that your DHs ex will become a compliment little lamb once an order is in place that she strongly objects to?

Move on is not blasé. I did not say "pretend like none of this ever happened".

What's the alternative? We give up on any hope of it ever being okay? I have no doubts that a final order will not be the end of everything but we can at least begin to repair some of the damage done.

In reality I am currently sat on my bed wondering why the hell I ever got into the mess and how we will ever get out of it. She is going to kick up a stink tomorrow, no doubt. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. Sometimes, just sometimes, I get glimmers of optimism and hope and maybe this is wrong but I grab it with both hands. It's not blasé, it's emotional survival.

bumpo. So what if she kicks off? That's not your problem. You have a baby to consider, leave your DH to deal with her drama and histrionics.

There is nothing wrong with you putting limits on the amount of support you give him. You are not his counsellor, punching bag or sounding board. He can befriend or pay for someone else to fulfil that role.
When it comes to decisions that affect you and your family, of course you should be involved - but putting the burden to emotionally support him on you on a daily basis (even if you are willing) must stop in order for your DH to become more emotionally resilient to his exW abuse and manipulation.

She will never change - so he has to if he wants different outcomes.

No, I'm not, but I am his wife and I'm not going to leave him to struggle. Friends and family offer useless, uninformed advice ("Just forget about her" or "Why don't you hire a hitman") and counselling doesn't solve the situation.

It's distressing. Too distressing to just ignore as much as I would love to put it out of my mind.

She has now kicked off and I'm beginning to think they should hand out gas and air with pregnancy tests - if I can't have a glass of wine to destress, I can at least have a canister of laughing gas!

I am his wife and I'm not going to leave him to struggle. Friends and family offer useless, uninformed advice ("Just forget about her" or "Why don't you hire a hitman") and counselling doesn't solve the situation

You can't save him. He can only save himself. He needs to struggle. He needs to discover, for himself, that he can do this on his own. It is telling that he didn't have the emotional strength to stand up to his ex prior to having your support. I'm guessing that your relationship started soon after the split, so he didn't really know who he was himself at that point, let alone establish himself in his DCs lives as "Dad on his own".

Could/would he be standing up to his ex without you there? If the answer is No, then he's doing it for the wrong reasons.

All the while you are his emotional crutch, you are sending him the message that he has a safety net. He doesn't have to stand on his own two feet, because you are there to save him when he wobbles.

Not only is that exhausting and unfair on you, it cheats his DCs of the Dad they deserve. He should be the best possible dad he can be independent of you ; to offer anything else is misleading them.

It was about 9 months, so not a short time but not a particularly long time either.

Perhaps you're right. I'm just so afraid that if I'm not pushing it forwards, he won't be strong enough and it will go backwards. I don't feel like we can afford for him to see that with the court stuff being already plenty slow enough, nor do I want to get into a situation where I want to say "I told you so" to him.

It's hard for people who haven't had to deal with an irrational exw to really understand how vitriolic a woman can be and how scared a man can become when he thinks he may never say his children again, they'll agree to anything. What's happened has happened and cannot be changed, just moving forward and dealing with things as and when they come up is all you can do now.

Like I said earlier, my dsd is 15 now, she wants to come to see her dad and exw no longer has as much influence, she's had to calm down.

Good luck with your baby, concentrate on him/her but making sure they're close to their siblings is a precious gift you can give.