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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Pretty sure DP knows I am pissed off by access by proxy.....

41 replies

entersandmum · 01/03/2014 01:05

DP has for the 1st time in 2 yrs not gone to the gym on a Friday night. Dsd10 is here & has gone to bed at the agreed time of 10.30pm...

Why do I feel as though they are setting me up for something shitty?

DP was as usual really shouty at Dd4, again to over compensate with DSD10, ( who can do no wrong & only DD4 gets told off).

Must admit I am really starting to dislike a child....Lies, Blames, and quite frankly, ( know I sound like a cow), is rather entitled.

Wish I had enough to take DCs away as they notice the difference even if DP doesn't.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WaitMonkey · 02/03/2014 11:01

russian, your ex's wife sounds lovely and she clearly enjoys spending time with your dd, whilst you get a break and ex can work. Sounds a very sensible arrangement in my opinion.

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 11:04

She really is one in a million

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 11:19

But id still prefer dd to be spending time with her dad, really.

AnnieOats · 02/03/2014 12:54

If you ever read the Lone Parents board, some (but not all!) of the posters have an almost venomous insistence that their ex takes the child/ren of her hands for a specific amount of time each week, regardless of whether the man is working/ available or not - so you can see how these situations arise.

Petal02 - maybe they have to go to work and as it's the ex's time he needs to be sorting out childcare if he needs to work.

Petal02 · 02/03/2014 13:01

Annie, I said "some, but not all" in other words not all LP posters behave unreasonably.

AnnieOats · 02/03/2014 13:21

Yes but even the 'some' are not being unreasonable if they have to go to work and expect the ex to sort out child care when it's his time with the children.

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 13:45

I think petal means when mum demands complete rota compliance even where a compromise/ swap/ helping hand is more than possible. It does happen. When my DH worked away mum was completely unwilling to have their dd. she simply said she wouldnt collect her from school or the childminder whereas it was more than possible for a swap to have taken place. Particularly as my DH was working away earning the money that kept her

But she was determined to "punish" him and it was often said that as he "chose" the divorce he could suffer the inconvenience. An unhelpful attitude all round in my opinion.

AnnieOats · 02/03/2014 14:20

Even when a swap/compromise/swap is possible it doesn't always mean that one parent (dad as well as mum) is being unreasonable to not do it. Both parents should be able to make plans when their child is with the other parent and shouldn't be classed as unreasonable because they wont change their plans because the parent who should be looking after the child can't for any reason.

My ex phoned me on Saturday because he needed to go into his office as there was a problem and asked me if I could go over to his house and stay with our DSs while he went. I was only tidying the house so it wasn't a problem. If, however I had been out at lunch with friends, for instance, I would have said no. Would you have said I was unreasonable?

When I was ill a while ago I phoned ex and asked him to have DSs because I was struggling. He said no because he had plans. Where it would have been nice if he could have changed his plans I don't think he was being unreasonable to not have. On another occasion when I had flu he swapped days and picked the DSs up and took them to his house so I could stay in bed.

I don't think you can say someone is being unreasonable without knowing why they won't do what you want and it also has to work both ways.

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 14:54

No of course. But as I said, I was referring to those who never do and insist on rota compliance. In the example of when you were having lunch plans, no, you shouldn't have cancelled. But some would have still said no even if they had no plans, just to be difficult.

Petal02 · 02/03/2014 16:45

Russianfudge -I think lots of us have encountered bitter exes, who use the children/rota to make life as difficult as possible. You're right, it's a form of punishment.

mumandboys123 · 02/03/2014 16:47

some (but not all!) of the posters have an almost venomous insistence that their ex takes the child/ren of her hands for a specific amount of time each week, regardless of whether the man is working/ available or not

I am personally happy to have 100% of time with my children because I didn't have them to wave them goodbye and have no 'control' over what goes on in their lives for a good proportion of the time. However, if my ex wants to see them (which he does), he needs to do that on a regular basis (because, as with many young children, routine is everything) and acknowledge that I might have plans and a life during that time which make cancellation annoying (at best) or more problematic (because I don't have the childcare to cover). In fact, I have gone as far as to pay for full time childcare despite the fact that my ex has regular contact because as I am the only supporting the children, I cannot afford to risk my job so I have covered my back as best I can. That still doesn't stop my ex being able to have a regular, major impact on my plans (personal and professional)!

So yes, I have a 'venemous insistence' on 'time-served' and frankly, I have no issue if the children are not cared for him during that time. That's his problem - girlfriend, friends, family - no skin off my nose. If it came to pass that he had to work during contact then of course, I would be more than happy to apply some common sense but that is something that works both ways - and he has yet to acknowledge the impact his life has on mine and no one has yet been able to explain to me why his life, post separation, is so much more important than mine that I have no choice but to agree to contact changes but he has never had to agree to any changes I might propose. I also think it worth pointing out that if I were to say 'the children should be with me if he can't look after them' I would be put firmly in my place and told that my ex can do what he wants on 'his' time. You can't have it both ways.

Petal02 · 02/03/2014 16:52

But you say you're happy to apply common sense - so this might be why you've found a way to make things work?

Petal02 · 02/03/2014 16:55

In DH's situation, the ex wanted him to spend far more hours per week with his son than he ever did pre-split, whilst making ever increasing financial demands. She couldn't have it both ways either.

russianfudge · 02/03/2014 17:13

We had that too petal. When they were together their dd was with mum nearly all of the time, she didn't work, he worked long hours and often away. When they split, she wanted 50/50 which he was happy with in principal because he wanted to see his dd but the original set up was as such because he was the bread winner and she was sahm. After the divorce she was stillat home, and he still worked long hours with all the financial burden, but was somehow expected to do 50% of the child care. Impossible! So their dd was in childcare during half of his contact time while he was at work. Then when I came a long I took on some of it alongside my full time job. It wasn't so bad when I had my dd with me anyway but some of those lost child free weekends were a bit of a blow . Oh I have no doubt it was punishment after hearing "you wanted the divorce, you deal with it"

"Common sense" is the biggy in all of these anecdotes. Often not applied.

mumandboys123 · 02/03/2014 17:22

But you say you're happy to apply common sense - so this might be why you've found a way to make things work?

It 'works' because I keep my mouth shut and agree to everything!

Petal02 · 02/03/2014 17:38

russian as you say, it's almost impossible for the father to continue with his long, breadwinning hours and then take on extra childcare. DH's ex was also a SAHM which made the situation all the more galling.

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