Just completely lost it this weekend - now don't know how to resolve things.

[Lostlou]

OK,

so this weekend I finally just lost it completely with DP.

Previous posts from me on here (and the very helpful advice provided from many on here in response) I won't repeat.

Typing this, it all seems very silly, petty, selfish and just that I look like a vile bitch but on top of all the previous issues (lack of date night, access by proxy when DP wants to go out on his bike and leave me with DSD etc etc) but this weekend:

1. he suggested going out for a curry on Sunday night (hurray - he finally suggests treating me for what I thought I was supposed to be, his new girlfriend of less than a year), but no, it transpires that by some miraculous coincidence one of his friends will be going there too. It is IMPOSSIBLE to try and suggest nicely that I would like us, just the two of us, to be able to go out without being usurped by any other better offer that comes along (mates, deciding he'd like his daughter for extra night that week) usual stuff I have posted before. In the end I said fine, I'll drop you off there so you can have a drink with your mates, and we ended up not going out.

2. I had the nerve to suggest that I found it difficult 'integrating' into the house (note house, not home, as it doesn't feel like one to me) because of little things like it's still the old voicemail message on the phone, it's still the old code on the burglar alarm (combination of his and the Ex birthdays). I know this will seem utterly daft to many of you but it's all these little things just drip, drip, drip that make me feel like I do not and never will fit in.

3. I don't have my own kids so this may be contentious / inflammatory to some of you but there are bloody hundreds of DSD photos (quick count and I got to 27) around the house, including the scan pic / birth pic (DSD is 9.5 now) and nothing that says anything about the two of us. I could be paranoid but he uses Facebook daily (counted in terms of hours it seems) but I don't think I've ever been mentioned once in his posts. I said nothing about the ordinary pics of DSD but mentioned the scan pic and said I felt uncomfortable about it - pic of Ex womb on display on the bookshelf in the lounge and perhaps that was better for his private collection. He went nuts and said 'have you any idea what you're asking me to do'. Well no I haven't - I didn't ask him to chuck it out, just said I felt uncomfortable having to look at it every time I walk across the room to switch the TV on, or shut the curtains.

I have tried gentle persuasion previously to change very minor things around the house, not even to 'put my stamp on it' a phrase I think some people use, but more to make life a little more efficient / bearable for me. Te last time I tried to do something - swapping the contents of a couple of shelves around in the kitchen to avoid stuff cascading down on me as I try to cook - he got really annoyed and said that DSD would probably be 'very traumatised by the changes and have you any idea how difficult this is for her - she wasn't sure where the tissues were'. Yes, he used the word 'traumatised' IN THE SAME SENTENCE AS FINDING SOME TISSUES (which, btw, I had put on the bottom shelf, next to her things, and told her where they were). I felt like shouting back (re being traumatised) 'didn't you think of that when you split up with the ex' but bit my tongue... We're not talking about me redesigning the whole f*cking kitchen while he's out, just me suggesting IN ADVANCE and saying I was going to move some herbs/ spices and the contents of the first aid shelf FFS (so it was on the top shelf right out of DSD reach as with her little step she could reach the lower shelf it was on previously).

I tried (not in the same 'discussion' this weekend, just earlier the other week) to bring up the thorny subject of holidays and how it would be nice if he could find time for the two of us to take a holiday together, as we might do in the early stages of a 'normal' relationship. I would pay for all of this. He's basically said he doesn't think so as he'll need to take time off for DSD during school hols. He gets 30 days a year and this last annual leave year had to do the 'use it or lose it', taking days off for no reason thing, using up the last 3 days entitlement (we'd only need 5 for a week off, 4 if it was a bank hol) apparently he needs to keep them spare for some racing as well as DSD hols. He managed it all last year with room to spare, I don't understand. He also wanted me to go away for a whole week with him and DSD. I said it was too much for me in our first year, and first four months of living together (we'll have been together a year in April, if I make it that far). I get 20 days annual leave. I can't see how it's OK for me to be expected to give up a quarter of my entitlement to go on holiday with a child that isn't mine, but he can't spare a fifth of his, for some time with me. Even a long weekend or two would be something!! There is a thread on here in which pretty much everyone seemed to think it was absolutely not a problem for new coupld to go away leaving kid behind. It's not as if DSD doesn't have decent holiday she had Rome with DP and Ibiza with the Ex in a year.

The arrangements this week are that DSD will be here on Friday, he doesn't 'do' Valentines Day apparently. He's never asked me if I 'do', for the record.

I am about to walk away from all of this because I cannot deal with this any longer.

Please post me in the direction of a single man from mid 30s to mid 40s WITH NO F*CKING KIDS!!

And my massive apologies to anyone I have offended with any of above rant as you've been amazingly kind and helpful to me.

What catsmother said!

And great theory Bruno. The more I read this board the more I wonder if it's not second marriages/step situations that are intrinsically difficult, but rather the type of partner, i.e. one who is obsessed by his kids in the wrong way and pretty dismissive of his wife's emotions.
Do you think the bitter ExWs and the unhappy stepmothers have all been dating the same men?

I'd move on, seriously. It's not being a step parent, its just that he's a knob.

Lostlou, I said on one of your earlier threads that I could have written your OP earlier in my relationship with my now DH...but not this one. As a pp said, DH & I have had conversations, sometimes quite difficult ones, about many of the issues you mention, because the kind of things that bother you now were things that bothered me too. But my DH listened, reacted and compromised, and that's why we are where we are now. I couldn't have carried on otherwise. The things that you raise (none of which, IMO, are silly, trivial, petty, unreasonable) aren't the problem; the problem is your DP's attitude to them and to you. I'd say that DH and I have a pretty good set-up now, and I think he'd tell you the same (and I think my DSCs are happy too), but for a long time it was two steps forward and one step back - always worth the effort though, because I knew my DH was TRYING to understand and to compromise, even if sometimes it took a while to trickle through. Without that show of goodwill from him I'd have given up - so I'm not surprised you're starting to look at flats. Good luck, keep us posted.

If you've got dinner booked in, can you make that one last try?

Reading your post I can empathise with a lot of what you say.

I have raised similar issues with my DP and the conversations seem to take us to the brink of breaking up, but clearing the air also helps a lot.

Finding the way o move forward and not just get stuck back in the same cycle is the key, don't ask me how to do that !!!

If you're committed/brave enough to give it a go I would try and stay away from all the examples you've quoted, even if goaded into it with the 'go on, give me an example' response.

Stick to your guns, it's about you, and your relationship with your partner.

You can even state quite clearly how good your relationship with DSD is, and that she is not part of the problem, far from it.

But yes, there is a point where enough is enough and he does sound like he needs some 'corrective therapy'. If you can get him to recognise the stage he's jumped to in your relationship you may have a chance.

Best of luck.

Buzz makes a really good point that emphasising the point that you DSD is not the problem will shine a light on you DPs shoddy behaviour and may just spur him into action.

It sounds like he really does need to get a serious kick up the bum if he is ever going to change.

I would be very wary of giving him an easy ride. He shouldn't get off Scott-free and lapse back to his previous ways.

Wot Daisy says...

If he does agree to try, yiou maybe need to set soem clear goals and boook some time together to discuss things.

Firstly you'll be able to say whether things have improved and secondly you can remind him he still needs to keep the effort up.

Oh dear!

Bruno and Catsmother have hit the nail on the head here.

When you go for dinner on Thursday (assuming he doesn't cancel in favour of his mates/bike/dd/next door's dog!) ask him what he wants out of your relationship. I think he doesn't want to be alone but doesn't want to commit to you either.
Regarding the scan pic - I've never thought of it as an intimate picture of a womb. Tbh most of the scans I've seen look like fuzzy picture of a potato. But if it bothers you then it is valid and he should take it down. My DPs house was like a shrine to his dc when I met him, then he moved into my house which was full of pictures of my dc. I happily took some of mine down and made room for his (although most of his photos are still in a box waiting to be put on the wall!)

As for the tissue trauma - words fail me!!!! What an idiot! This isn't fair on your DSD. You will end up resenting her through no fault of her own but because of his ridiculous attitude.
Sorry - I don't say this often but this is a real LTB moment!!!

Thanks each and every one of you for your input on this. It really is a massive help to hear your views, experience and methods for dealing.

Part of me ( the stubborn bit) doesn't want to give up so readily given the emotional and physical investments I've made so far. Another part of me thinks I'm too old for this (was 40 in October) and I'd quite like a bit of a quieter life!!

Anyway, by way of an update:

• table booked for 8pm tomorrow
• 'THOSE' pictures have gone
• alarm code changed
• answer phone message changed
• sex life still non-existent

To be fair ( once I stopped screaming at him - for which I'm deeply ashamed) he got angry and started shouting back then went really quiet and said (re tissues) 'did I really say that?!'

We'll see...

Maybe the screaming fit was needed to wake him up.
Looking back it took a huge screaming crying meltdown followed by a huge door slamming flounce for DP to actually listen to me regarding his dcs behaviour.
Some men just need it spelling out LOUDLY!!!
I hope it works out for you - you sound lovely and considering you don't have your own dc you have been more than patient.

"Part of me ( the stubborn bit) doesn't want to give up so readily given the emotional and physical investments I've made so far."

This is called throwing good money after bad.

You've only been together for less than a year, no?

Please be very careful .... if you eventually split, and sorry to be the voice of doom, it's clearly going to be "easier" the sooner you do it and before you're even more embroiled.

I hope that you losing it with him may have been the wakeup call he needed - assuming he's "just" been extremely thoughtless as opposed to deliberately selfish, but I'm concerned that you shouldn't have needed to create such a scene to get your point across because some of the stuff you described should have been basic courtesy.

Assuming that you've now laid it on the line for him - and basically that boils down to him showing you far more consideration, far more respect, far less taking you for granted (e.g. babysitting on tap), far more of an equal say in the household you both share and far more priority towards your relationship (as opposed to hobbies and mates) - then I'd give him a deadline in my head and see if he truly understands how crap he's been, and truly makes an effort to rectify things - or not.

I'm afraid though that I feel a decent relationship shouldn't just be as hard as all this so early on. Most couples who were suited to each other would still be in their Honeymoon phase right now - not having screaming rows.

I wish you all the best - but don't take any more crap from him.

I had to train my husband!
As a step parent it is hard and at times unbearable, we both have a child each and he parents as though he's scared of losing his ( which he's not as we have custody).
I told him straight in the end that children don't come first, they come the same as me. Don't get me wrong everything the children need we do/get... time,energy etc BUT we also have time for us now.
We have a 2 week holiday somewhere lovely every year plus weekends away, the children don't go without!!!
I would say just keep talking, just keep working at the boundaries and be prepared that if this is the man for you it will take a little time, IF and only IF he really is the right man for you.
I hear on here all the time from ex-wives etc who think their children should be always first in the ex's life but that simply doesn't and wont work in blended families NOR in normal families, no Mother/wife I know would put up with scraps from their partner!

Ziplex, I luv u! You are so right, I'd love to print your message onto a t-shirt.
It has taken me over 4 years and I've only made tiny inroads in getting dh into shape.
Agree with all,posters who have said that one year into a relationship is too soon for screaming matches.
OP, I had that with dh as soon as we were in a steady relationship, still don't really know why I didn't quit right away... Probably something you said about being stubborn. Also took me 5 years to let go of first marriage, although it was obvious to everybody who knew us that it wouldn't end well.
What I'm trying to say OP, is that some men are so inherently selfish that any one tiny adjustment on their part is seen as moving heaven and earth for you and then expect you to do the same, i.e. Give up your life completely to serve them.
My dh is rather clever and can be v charming at out couple counseling sessions, but I don't give up, despite tears and despair, to get him to admit his rudeness or selfishness and promise to better himself. Its a start, but at the same time I'm detaching more and more, especially from any duties involving dsc. This is all down to him now and I still find it difficult to not get involved and offer help but the added bonus is that dsc also respect me more (as teens they can be expected to fend for themselves occasionally).
Don't be a mug. Swallow your pride and continue looking for the quiet life. You deserve it.

zip i have to say i disagree. if he is the man for you it shouldnt be such bloody hard work. training a man to be a decent parent and partner??f that.
op if you want to waste time training him and begging for every scrap of attention and time stick with him and work at it. i think you deserve better

No offence but the Mrs Kent school of thought is very harsh. You've done so much to integrate and have been met with dull hostility, until recently. Not to mention that you don't have a problem with the child, it's the parenting from your dp. The thing is the love we have for children and the love we have for our better halves is different and both need to be put on a pedestal. We don't have to take from one to give to the other, I certainly don't, but as a resident parent it is easier. So the non-resident parent needs to do things differently to make everyone feel valued, integrated and important. If they're purely going through the motions, how long does that learning curve take. How many tears and arguments to make yourself heard, feel valued. I don't know Lou because I go through the same thing. And sometimes for the littlest thing to change it takes you to completely lose it which isn't fair and is emotionally damaging.

i don't think this is a step issue. if he didn't have dd it would be something else that would be more important. as it is with bikes and mates. he puts bikes before his dd when it suits him and that means that his dd isn't top of his priority list. he is. he's selfish.

Rosie when I say training I mean in the sense of working through his fears, fear that the mother will take the child away ( as she did once), fear the he isn't good enough to love 2 people equally without causing hurt to his child, fear of losing what a "normal" parent takes for granted... the unconditional love the child gives and the fear of "letting" someone get close to BOTH of them.
It isn't begging, it is helping the man and child you love because children of parents who parent like this don't see what well adjusted love looks like.
Hope this explains my "training" :)

OK well here goes tonight!

I really feel sad about the situation in a way because DSD is so lovely and has just got to the point where she is spontaneously giving me hugs (sometimes before she gives DP, her dad a hug!) and I've only been in her life since April last year and living there since October. So it's definitely not the me / DSD thing that's at issue here.

I'm interested in the psychology of all of this. DP is not a 'Disney Dad' in any way - or at least I don't think so. The 'tissue trauma' thing I don't know where it came from it's almost as if he's using DSD as a form of resistance to change, rather than trying to do something just to suit her.

If anything I think he's really strict with DSD and she gets upset sometimes. My 'natural' parenting style (if I'm allowed to call it that, given I don't have kids) would perhaps be softer sometimes. I don't do it deliberately and have never undermined DP's authority in front of DSD, but I think DSD sees this somehow, which is perhaps why she has reacted fairly well to me - ie if there's any slack to be cut, it will probably come from me. I am acutely aware that this MAY become manipulative by DSD as she gets older, if I let it, but I'm no pushover and think I'd spot it if she used it in this way.

Silly example we were making rocky road in the kitchen a month or two back and DP was in the garage (bike tinkering again!) and there were a handful of leftover mini-marshmallows so I said 'quick - let's eat them up!' DSD said 'I'm not sure if I'm allowed - Dad might say no' So NAUGHTY WICKED STEP-MUM ME said 'well he wont know whether we ate them or if they went in the rocky road will he' so we stuffed them in JUST as we heard the front door go with him coming back in and ended up nearly choking on the things and trying not to laugh too much...

I don't think either that it's a regret on DPs part arising from splitting up from the ex, as when (in full shout over the weekend) I said 'If you want things back how they were and you want [ex] shoes filled you can always go back to her'! and he said something like 'f*cking hell no'...

I think he maybe has more 'issues' than me and DSD put together!!

Can I ask why you moved in so quickly?

Well it was lots of things really. I'd been separated from ExH for some time and in process of finalising divorce. I was living with my parents having been made redundant from my old job the same day as I got my Decree Nisi (ho hum that was an emotional week/day). Old job and ExH were in one county, parents in another so no purpose in staying in old place. I'd been in the process of setting up viewings for a house near to my old job only the week before I got the heave-ho from work.

Anyway, I was working not far away from parents and not happy there (in the job, not the parents house!) and started looking around for a new job. In the meantime had met DP so it was a case of 'do I look for a new job near to parents then swap AGAIN in 6 months / a year or so's time', (would not look good on CV in my industry) given that DP was not in the same county, or do I say 'sod it, go for it, find job near to DP and see what happens'??

I did the latter. I ended up getting a job sooner than I thought. We did discuss me renting somewhere nearby (which in hindsight I sometimes think might have been better) but both were happy for me to try moving in (as was DSD who was apparently canvassed on the topic).

I think really if I'd been 'dating' for a year or more and THEN moved in to be confronted by all of this, by that point I might really have too much emotional attachment and it might be even HARDER to walk away. You don't really know what you're letting yourself in for til you're in it - do you!?

It seems like your partner hasn't invested much and you have made the compromises.He may just be highly selfish and he seems self centred.

What would concern me is the fact that you have had to 'lose it' to get him to listen to you.This could be a pattern, his selfish behaviour, partner gets really frustrated and is then labelled the 'crazy' one.A year you should be in the honeymoon stage rather than this.

You sound very sensible and perhaps he came into your life as a transition but circumstances have forced this along.

It sounds like you've had a tough time lately with lots of changes.

I don't think jumping into this situation was wise - for you or the little girl - I think living together makes it harder to get out. I think you should get out because if this is as good as it gets - infrequent sex, being put last all the time - then its pretty crap.

I think LostLou was perhaps a bit hasty about moving in so quickly. However, I went out with my DH for 4 yrs before I moved in. We lived a big distance apart but neither of us wanted to make a mistake as we both had kids who'd been through divorce and all the upset it brings. Time just trundled on..... Eventually, we realised we didn't want to be apart and we've been married nearly 5 yrs. Nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing, could have prepared me for the shit storm from one of his kids (now an adult). Nine years have gone by since I first met his 3 kids and it never gets easier. My point being, you can take your time and make sure everyone's prepared for the situation as much as possible and it can still turn I to a nightmare. I'm lucky in that DH supports me. I went into it thinking "I'm so lucky "marrying into" this family, and for my own ds". I imagined that because I'm a decent person and so is DH that his kids would have no earthly reason NOT to like me. His youngest daughter didn't need one, she just decided.

OP, I hope things can sort themselves out for you but, the overall consensus is "walk away now, while you can". In your situation, I would. Your partner has much to learn if he is to form any healthy relationship, in future.