By childless stepmums, I mean no biological children!
My partner has 3 young children, and he is the sole parent as their mother died last year. I have known my partner since before the death of his wife, and love him to pieces. I completely accept that if we are going to work, I need to embrace these children, who have made wonderful progress but at times are still so sad, and of course miss their mummy so much.
I began seeing the children last year, and all was fine, I genuinely thought I could do it and one day we could all be a family. But we went away for 2 weeks on holiday, and I found it so difficult. I was used to the children going to school / preschool in the day, then being around for 4 or so hours until it was their bedtime. But the reality of 3 young children 24/7, being isolated in the countryside of France, and with no babysitters or quality time with my partner... I struggled, I feel so sorry for my partner because I was so upset with the situation, and he was stuck in the middle.
Since then I have seriously been questioning whether I can cope with the life my partner is offering me. I realise there are 3 very fragile children involved here, and that my partner and I can't just amble on aimlessly, and that I can't have an on-off relationship with the children. We are long distance, which doesn't help, and I have little time to even see my partner let alone time for him and the children too.
The main struggle for me is - I really really miss my partner. I feel so sad to think that we won't ever have time to just be us, and I think that affects how I feel about spending time with him and the children. Given the choice, I would always rather see my partner alone than see the children as well. And I think largely this is because we are long distance, and I only get 2 nights with him once a fortnight. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a stage in our relationship that we will never had - the stage where you are just a 2, before you decide you want children.
I am wondering if and how I can get to the stage where I feel just as happy to spend time with him and the children. I know we can't move forward if I am always secretly longing for the children's bedtimes. I also know that I will be their only mother figure (if ever we move in together) and that they will need to feel completely cared for and loved by me. That is what they need, that is what my partner needs for his kids, and that is what I would want if they were mine.
So - basically looking for tips and advice. I am not ready to walk away from the situation yet, but I know that ultimately I have to find a way to accept and be happy with it, or let my partner find someone new.
Please - I really don't want to be berated for struggling. I don't hate the children, I don't want them to disappear, I am so sad for them and for my partner and frustrated for feeling this way, for not being able to slot into this life easily. I want us to be a happy family and am trying to find ways to get there.