due date and half term.

[flowerpotgirl12]

I suspect i'll get flamed for this but here goes anyway.

I am due my 1st baby with dp (my first altogether, he has a dd 12 and ds 8) We are currently having problems with his ex re. collections and drops etc. which is a whole other issue. However she has been talking about xmas and the holidays next year, when we will have them, usually there is never a problem and we have them for the week over the half terms, and during the summers for a few weeks, however my due date is literally 3 days into half term and I have asked DP if for that week only we could not have them.

I know the kids need to bond with the baby etc. and not feel pushed out, however and I may be being selfish, this is my first (and most likely only baby) the week I'm due I don't want to be running around after the dsc, cooking, clean etc. also if I do go into labour, we need to sort out childcare etc. and once home and breastfeeding, I want to be able to do this comfortably without 2 kids there, as first weeks are stressful.

The ex has gone mental over this, and is making out that due to the fact I can't /won't do all the driving and now the half term that I am trying to stop contact, we emailed back explaining exactly why and said once the baby is born, they can come down within a few days to meet baby, or the first weekend they can come. She is saying no, either we have them half term or else.

I am so tired of arguing with her over everything, and want to know if I am being unreasonable, or if this is normal and any advice on dealing with it.

DP thinks she will calm down and see reason but from past track record, I think he is totally delusional.

NipNaps The issue we had was because I had a fast labour with DC1 and a PPH the midwives and consultants were considering inducing me early so they could control the labour. It meant that they would not let me go over 38 weeks but I ended up going into spontaneous fast labour at 36 weeks anyway. I was actally due in on the 18th september but ended up giving birth late August. Our issue was we had agreed earlier in the year that we would have DSS for 2 weeks at the begining of the 6 weeks holiday and the ex agreed. However at the last minute she decided that she would book her holiday for mid august, and that meant we had to have DSS then. I know babies can come within a 5 week window but I always knew mine would not be arriving after 38 weeks.

Plus DSS really got scared when I gave birth the first time, and I didnt want to give birth at home in front of him so I was pissed off on his behalf too. The doula I hired got me to the hospital in time for me to give birth so homebirth was avoided thankfully.

We had to have DSS, there was no one else to take him. If I am honest I did feel like I was in the wrong by the amount of flaming I took and is one of the reasons why I just shut up and got on with it without making a big fuss to DH. His hands were tied and I think his elderly parents did take DSS for one night during his 14 day stay.

stepmooster I agree with you. All I meant was that I think some people looked at that window of time you stated and didn't consider anything past that as they thought it was such a long time that you must have been unreasonable whatever the circumstances

And that situation kind of proves my point. If a stepmother cannot even come first when she is in labour (or about to go into labour) then how can that situation be fair?

Hope all is good with you now.

NipNaps that's the problem.

Stepmums never come first and if we ever dare to ask that we do then we are evil and wicked.
We should know our place at the bottom of the pile.

Births don't always go according to plan. And existing children often need to be parked somewhere for a while.

Everyone needs flexible plans, including who is going to care for older children around the time of delivery.

The ideal plan would be for the older DC to remain with the other parent, with flexibility to reinstate the visit depending on whether you run early or late, what the delivery is like and what the early days are like. And with goodwill on both sides to get them to see their new sibling, even if only for a short visit, as early as possible.

Unfortunately, you are not dealing with a reasonable person. So I think you are stuck with standing your ground, making sure you explain carefully to the DC what the logistic issues are, reassuring them about their importance to the family, and planning lovely family things together with their new sibling as soon as you are ready.

The utter intransigence - and manipulation (as in Stepmooster's case) displayed by some exes when their ex partner goes on to have another child makes me murderous. That another woman - and in particular remember, another mother should deliberately and spitefully place barriers in front of someone who's heavily pregnant when there's absolutely no need to is just vicious. And having made life as difficult as possible, to then tell her own kids their dad doesn't want them any more (or similar) is reprehensible. What always struck me is that these women did of course have the luxury of stress free pregnancies and labours themselves (so far as this particular aspect is concerned anyway) yet won't be humane or gracious enough to grant that consideration to another woman. Even if they had older kids it would almost certainly have been far easier for them to make childcare arrangements as there wouldn't have been the added complication of distance that there can be in step situations - and they didn't have to worry about others dripping poison into their older kids' ears about the new baby either.

Being a sm is generally a thankless and unappreciated role, especially when an ex makes things difficult when it suits her but is quite happy when we can ease the burden for her. Previously I have been accommodating and done generally what has been asked as it led to a more harmonious life and we were having regular contact with the kids with no problems, well no major problems, however the sheer audacity of me getting pregnant and having a life that somehow does not involve, a woman who is virtually a stranger has caused untold problems.

I now regret being so helpful as it's backfired on me, rather than resulting in give and take and the knowledge that I want what is best for dcs, it is has ended up with the threatening of no contact and police calling and now poison being fed the skids about why I don't want them in my due week. A my dps sister calling me selfish, conveniently all I have done for the past year has all been forgotten.

So making sure the kids understand why and understand that they are still as important as they ever were is my only care and the others can sod off.

no worries Nipnaps I still feel now I have to justify my thread, lol. I am fine now, and enjoying DC2.

As a mother I would not want older children witnessing another woman giving birth, or even me giving birth. I would not want to expose them to what can often be a traumatic experience. My sister for example had to go into theatre straight after she gave birth for complete reconstructive surgery. Her DH was a complete wreck after the birth of their son. He was in tears on the phone to me, and he had to look after their son whilst Dsis spent half a day in theatre and then the next day or so as she recovered, now if that had been me and my DH then I can't even begin to imagine how DSS would have reacted to that situation. Old enough to understand the seriousness of the situation, but too young really to be exposed to it.

Then there is the possibility that the baby may not be 100pct healthy and perfect, both my babies ended up in neonatal with jaundice. It certainly had me in tears seeing them with the tubes in their noses and eyes strapped closed under the lights. So how is a sibling to react to that? Thankfully DSS had gone home by the time both babies were admitted to hospital, but if he were with us, he would have had to come along with DH and seen it all. No way would the ex drive over here to take DSS home, our time our problem.

Why you would expose your children to all that unless you really had to I just don't know. Much better for them to miss all the gore and tears and meet sibling when mum and baby are happy and ready.

flowerpotgirl12 don't do as I did and just suffer in silence. I was in and out of hospital every other day for Liver tests for hours on end when DSS was here in summer. I had to do it all on my own because only children of the mother were allowed on the ward. I had already had a child so I knew the drill as it were but even so it would have been nice to have had my DH there. A weekend is doable but a whole week is too much especially when they are only really used to EOW contact.

I had my 1st baby 13 weeks ago and my due date coincided with the week that my SD was due to come to us and I asked for a bit of breathing room in case baby was late or labour was difficult but OH's ex would not budge and said that was the only week we could have her. We arranged for SD to spend a few days of the week with her nanny(which she loved) but got totally slated by the ex saying we were pushing SD away. as it turned out SD came back to us when baby was 2 days old and stayed a further 4 days and I will be honest and say it was awful-my dd was not feeding right and we had to go back into hospital when she was 6 days old, which was awful to say the least. You are not being selfish at all...I needed time to get to know my baby which given I'm new to it all was harder with a 6 year old around to be honest..apologies if that offends anyone!

I feel for you OP having been a a similar situation whilst pregnant with twins. Our situation was different as ex lived in the same place as us, however was sniffy about being available when we were taking DSD for extra days (extra sounds awful, but you know what I mean). We wanted ex to organise the cover if I was to have to go into labour on those days (and preferably be available) as we felt during an unsettling time DSD would be best with her Mum or close family (none of ours live locally). It worked out ok in the end, however we made sure DSD was the first person to see the babies and kept to the 'extra' days and usual days. I won't lie, it was tough, it was stressful but it would have been anyhow, it did I feel help with their bonding. THAT said. Every situation is different and from what you've said (and you other post) it seems like you do an awful lot already, AND you should be taking it easy. The distance from your DSC makes it difficult for you, so no YANBU at all, not in the slightest. I would echo what some others have said, ensure that the children see their new sibling asap, but don't feel guilty. Yes, if they were your children you'd cope, but you'd arrange cover for labour. However, this is your 1st baby and I think the ex needs to remember how she felt at the time, the anticipation, the worries, the excitement. She also needs to think of her children, and at this time they are probably better with her (until you have baby) as new children are potentially unsettling to DSC. It seems her motives are not her DC's at all, she just seems plain nasty, and possibly bitter. Another fine example of ex's using their children as pawns. Would she really want the worry of you going into labour with her DC's on a 4 hr car journey?! Not good for any of you.

You sound lovely. DC's mother needs to look at this again. you already do the travelling, whilst pregnant, not your DP, so she needs to understand that you obviously care and wouldn't push them to one side. I guess she's (partly) worried about her DC's being pushed out, however she's not helping with the ultimatums, so I question her reasoning.

Good luck, don't feel bad, enjoy your pregnancy and motherhood x

just read some of these posts and I have to say that I am glad I have found the forum...

Nipnaps and all, I could have virtually highfived you all as you so sum up how I feel. Loss of control over my life, my childrens and DH's. And I genuinely feel I put DSD next to my own children in terms of how she is treated, perhaps more so than her Mum.

Just thank you (if that makes any sense)

Yanbu, it's a special time for you, you need to bond and get your head round being a mother. When I had ds (on a sat) we got the dsc the following Friday night (usual contact time) that first week was so important to me. I then had to get use to dsd shadowing me everywhere and standing a foot In front if me staring every time I nursed the baby (it was very off putting). I would suggest to your dh putting in sone boundaries as I found it quite suffocating. My dsc and ds (not even a year yet) are all fine together and have bonded well

OP, I think your DH being supportive is great - however he needs to put some stronger boundaries in place here and manage the situation on your behalf. You shouldn't be getting stress from his ex in this situation, he should deal with it.

The ex-wife needs to take a good look at herself. she should be ashamed.