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Step-parenting

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Original poster

IVF unavailable on NHS for couples where one partner already has a child

51 replies

fullofcold · 05/11/2013 09:52

I was reading in the Daily Fail (which I only read for the comments....honest!) and saw an article about how a couple were refused IVF treatment on the NHS as her partner was already a Father.

I understand funds are limited, but I also can't help feeling that this is so unfair, as the woman is childless. My DP and a DD and I am in no way a mother to her. If we needed help, and were refused on the basis that we are not childless I would be so hurt. Sometimes I already feel that I made the wrong decision dating a man with a child, as sometimes it is just so hard! This would just make it so much more difficult!

What do you all think about this? I just think at least one attempt should be offered.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 25/02/2020 16:32

This reply has been deleted

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Sotiredofthislife · 25/02/2020 18:27

Oh fun, how embaressing...you know nothing at all of the struggles I may have been through to conceive. Or that I am indeed a 'first wife'. I was actually a second wife.

funinthesun19 · 25/02/2020 18:46

Oh fun, how embaressing...you know nothing at all of the struggles I may have been through to conceive.

Well then maybe you should have a bit more empathy for the op’s situation then. I’m assuming you paid for yours since you’re so against NHS funding? I’m alright Jack springs to mind. That’s embarrassing.

JustKiddingBob · 25/02/2020 19:10

I honestly can't imagine a single person would actually turn down funded IVF if they needed it because of their morals.

Funny, it's always those who didn't need it that tend to be so against it. I wonder why that is.

Aberfalls · 25/02/2020 20:19

isn't it unfair to deny someone their basic human right?

I don't believe becoming a parent is a basic human right I'm afraid

JustKiddingBob · 26/02/2020 08:51

I don't believe becoming a parent is a basic human right I'm afraid

No but it is my right as a citizen of this country, to have free access to health care offered by our NHS. One of which is, whether people like it or not and in certain circumstances, IVF.

Therefore I think it's appalling to make people feel guilty for doing so. If I'm offered something which may give me an end to enormous suffering then yes I'm going to take it.

I pay my taxes just like you all do. Who knows, in our life spans some of you may cost the NHS thousands more than I would for whatever reason.

IVF is nothing in comparison to the real problems within the NHS. Unfortunately, people who have children of their own and didn't need it, cling to it because it doesn't affect them.

I think it's disgusting. I've not had IVF btw but damn right if I needed it, I'd have it on the NHS just as I imagine most of these other people who protest against it probably would. Why shouldn't I? It forms part of our free health service that I pay for and that's not for us to decide, luckily.

Tyersal · 26/02/2020 09:38

IVF isn't really health care though

JustKiddingBob · 26/02/2020 09:52

Whatever you consider it to be, it's provided by our healthcare system therefore people should be entitled to access it without guilt.

As I say, I can't imagine anyone who needed it, turning it down. Morals only come into it when it doesn't affect you, funny that.

funinthesun19 · 26/02/2020 10:30

All these people moaning about IVF on the NHS. You fall in to one of the following categories:

  • You have children already, whether you had problems conceiving or not. So why does anyone else matter now you’ve got your bundles of joy?
  • You’ve been turned down for NHS funding so nobody else should get it.
  • You paid for it yourself. I’m alright Jack.
  • You don’t want kids so are incapable of empathising for people that do but are struggling. Probably something to do with the planet or something....
aSofaNearYou · 26/02/2020 12:12

Tbh this is one of many reasons I find it an absolute joke when people wax lyrical about how step parenting is a gift rather than a sacrifice. I'm not sure which side of the line I fall when it comes to whether IVF in general should be funded by the NHS or not, but I do know that the fact that it is available normally but not in these circumstances says a lot.

If people thought about it properly, perhaps they would see what an enormous sacrifice they are asking of people by bringing kids from former relationships along with them, and would have less of a stinking attitude towards prospective partners about it.

Aberfalls · 26/02/2020 22:15

IVF isn't really health care though

I agree.

Aberfalls · 26/02/2020 22:19

You're wrong @funinthesun19. I see core services being cut which puts lives at risk. That's why I don't believe IVF should be available on the NHS.

FuckityFuckit · 27/02/2020 08:36

Cutting the occasions where IVF is actually granted is likely to not make much difference at all to the overall cuts and problems within the NHS.

I've done a lot of looking up on this sort of stuff and according to cost reports

Although the NHS does incur costs with an ongoing IVF pregnancy and birth these were not included in the costing model because they do not impose costs above those that would occur from natural conception

IVF doesn't actually cost what the private clinics have you pay, they are there to make money. It doesn't cost the NHS £6,000 a cycle. Much less in fact. Last time I check the NHS funded under half of all IVF cycles.

IVF is not what's crippling the NHS. People taking their kids or themselves to A&E because they sneezed or got a splinter is causing much more damage, for example.

How about instead of guilt tripping those who haven't been as fortunate as you, for accepting help when it's been offered by their doctor, we wake up and start realising what the real issues are rather than latching onto something because it doesn't affect you.

And to the people who keep saying 'its not a healthcare issue', it makes sweet FA difference whether you think it is or not. It's provided by our healthcare service meaning people should be able to access it without your judgement. I'm sure there's things I don't understand and would consider 'not a healthcare issue' but fortunately it's not up to me as there are a lot of things I just don't understand the impact of.

I don't question the treatments recommended to other people by their doctors. Infertility can have a massive impact on a person's mental health. You may not believe it, as you sit with your naturally conceived children, not empathising with anyone else who hasn't been as lucky as you, tut tutting at all the silly infertile women who just want what you have because its 'not a right y'know', but people have killed themselves over this shit. I for one don't have a single problem with my taxes (and a very fucking small percentage of them in comparison to everything else really) being used trying to help these people.

Oh and I believe on average the NHS approve about 1.8 cycles. It's hardly draining their services is it.

FuckityFuckit · 27/02/2020 08:40

And before anyone says it, because I know some people are twatty enough to, obviously IVF costs the NHS more initially than a naturally conceived pregnancy however, think about all the possible complications in pregnancy, all the extra medication people need, all the early scans, all the extra antenatal care people with high risk pregnancies need etc... Just because a pregnancy is naturally conceived doesn't mean it won't cost the NHS thousands more than the next woman.

I for one had to have all sorts of drugs and stimulants etc... When I was naturally pregnant. Should I feel bad for that? Just leave pregnancy for the women who's bodies are able to do it on the cheap?

LangSpartacusCleg · 29/02/2020 02:02

Whilst I agree that it is very unfair to deny IVF because one partner already has a child, I also think that IVF should not be offered on the NHS at all.

I say that as a women with fertility issues. I understand how painful it can be. But IVF is not a right.

WhyThisLife · 29/02/2020 08:55

But IVF is not a right

Fortunately that's not for you to decide.

WhyThisLife · 29/02/2020 09:09

I'd be interested to know how many people would actually turn it down if it were their last option and they were offered it, based on the fact they don't think it should be offered on the NHS.

I'd ask here but I honestly don't trust anyone to answer honestly. I suspect very very few people would actually turn it down in the circumstances.

HeckyPeck · 29/02/2020 13:04

It’s just another slap in the face for step parents.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/03/2020 09:14

I don’t think it should be available at all on the NHS.

I do agree with the existing child rule though. If a child isn’t seen as part of the whole family then that’s down to the relationship and surely one of the couple would be questioning it.

WhyThisLife · 01/03/2020 09:41

Well when a step parent is seen as a whole parent, come back to me.

As it stands now, most of them are told their SC are nothing to do with them and that they have a mum/dad to parent them.

funinthesun19 · 01/03/2020 10:34

I do agree with the existing child rule though. If a child isn’t seen as part of the whole family then that’s down to the relationship and surely one of the couple would be questioning it.

They’re not a child of the stepparent though.

If it was a couple who were suffering with secondary infertility after having their 1st child together, then yes unfortunately they wouldn’t qualify for IVF on the NHS.

But when one person in the couple isn’t even a parent, I think it’s really unfair. I think they should be given the opportunity to be a parent too. Because the fact is, a stepchild just isn’t the same as your own.

IronShame · 01/03/2020 13:36

I do agree with the existing child rule though. If a child isn’t seen as part of the whole family then that’s down to the relationship

Oh bore off with that. No one sees step parents as a whole parent. No one. Mothers don't, posters on here don't, the law doesn't.

So why on earth should step parents be satisfied with never having children of their own because they happen to have step children? It is not the same. Unless that step child doesn't have a mother, it's in no way the same and pretending it is is just ridiculous.

When step parents get equal parental responsibility, get to tag along to parents evenings and school plays without someone bitching about it, get to treat their step children as their own in every way and not just when it comes to money without being verbally harpooned and told to back off because they aren't your kids, come back and tell me it's the same.

Having a step child in no way replaces your want/urge to have your own children.

Dontdisturbmenow · 01/03/2020 14:17

IVF is not a health issue, but infertility is and IVF is a treatment to overcome it. It's not much different to people who get treatment for very heavy periods, who impacts of their lives, causes pain, but ultimately, they could live with it because having lighter period and being pain free is a privilege, not a right.

ColaFreezePop · 01/03/2020 19:20

@ Dontdisturbmenow you can't compare very heavy periods to infertility.

While I have had very heavy periods myself, I am related to and friends with women who nearly died from the side effects of their heavy periods.

The only women I've met who have nearly died from infertility, nearly died from the treatment that tried to get them pregnant.

IronShame · 01/03/2020 19:29

The only women I've met who have nearly died from infertility, nearly died from the treatment that tried to get them pregnant

Hi, nice to meet you 👋 I'm a woman who's nearly killed herself in the past because of struggles with fertility. We do exist, there's others on MN who I've spoken to in the past, I recall there's a poster here who's partner did kill themselves because of this.

Suggesting that infertility doesn't lead to severe consequences whether they be physically or mentally is simply not correct.

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