Re-establishing contact after a period of refusal

[AliceinWonderhell]

My DSS (10) is currently refusing to have contact with DH (in line with a contact order) because he has told his Mum he's "scared" of talking to DH - despite having had a telephone conversation with him last week.

DSS Mum has applied to have the court order discharged, but at the same time is saying that if DSS 'changes his mind' then she'll let him come as usual.

It's been over 8 weeks since DSS was here 'as usual' and it looks like its going to drag into a third month - I'm wondering whether its been too long now for everyone to behave as if nothing has happened. Don't courts recommend phasing back in contact when there has been a period of no-contact rather than going straight to several O/N in a row? The current contact order is for 4 nights a fortnight (Thurs - Mon).

My own DDs Dad (who I've kept informed) has made it clear he'd prefer it if DD didn't have regular contact with her stepsibs anymore because its not the first time they've just 'stopped contact' - with no warning and it obviously upsets her. So if/when DSS starts coming again, my DD will be at her Dads anyway - and they used to be so close.

I just can't see how things can go back to to the way they were, but from what DSS Mum has said, he expects everything to stay the same here and be able to dip in and out when he wants to.

I bet he's not allowed to enjoy himself when at yours or like you or DD.

You are spot on. Not only has he said this is how he feels to us, but he has also told his Mum the same thing, with the support of a Social Worker. His mums response was to tell DSS and the Social Worker that DH had manipulated DSS into saying it because 'that's what he's like'.

Faced with that, it's no surprise that the DSC have stopped expressing their own opinions.

I keep coming back to the same question - how can we (me, DD and DH) keep "things the same" for DSS for if/when he does decide to rejoin us?

I mentioned pets earlier in this thread because one of our family pets has died since DSS last visited. he doesnt know, yet. Based on his previous upset when things have changed in our home between visits (a dish gets broken, or we replace a lamp/chair/picture) he's not going to react well to any evidence that the household has continued to function while he's not been with us. He is very sensitive to change - will notice changes to museum displays during repeat visits or new billboards, for instance. He even commented on a light switch we had changed between visits over the summer!

In particular, his contact with DD will be different - I have no idea how we're going to manage it, but I really don't want DD and DSS to have contact until things have stabilised. But if things aren't the same for him, then it's going to be harder for him to reintegrate. The idea of DH having contact away from the home so DD isn't involved is the best solution for DD but probably the worst for DSS as he, and his mum, will see it as a ban from our home; somewhere he should feel safe.

Keeping things the same is impossible though, that isn't how the world works. As you say a pet has died, even if you somehow managed to prevent anything changing you aren't going to prevent a pets death.

What you have to do is manage his reaction to the change, if/when he next visits.

You can drive yourself crazy trying to make things perfect/right but its not always possible. You have to accept their is a limit to what you can achieve.

I also think you can get so wrapped up in one childs problems however valid, sickness, disorders, separated families, behavioural issues... That the children who are otherwise well and not so seemingly in need of your time and attention get neglected.

I spent a lot of time worrying about DSS and the impact his parents separation and legal battles were having on him. I had a baby girl who needed me to focus on sleeping well so I could give my energies to her. So I had to detach somewhat, it doesn't mean I stopped caring.

It isn't going to mean you stop loving and caring for DSS if you allow yourselves to live your lives in his absence.