To feel trapped in my own fucking home?

[ishouldbecleaning]

2 bed house. I have DDs 5 and almost 3. DSS is 11. Sleeps on sofa every other weekend. Which means we have to go to bed at 10pm. Fine. But I dont sleep and being in bed that early when I dont nod off till 2-3am is torture. Had to wake DH 3 times last night cos DSS had turned the TV back on, loudly. The last time was just before 2am. Nothings been said about it. Constantly winds DDs up. (Dds are squealy pains as they all are but he winds them on purpose and frequently) has been telling tales all weekend but then wihin minutes backtracking and telling full story after trying to get girls in trouble.The xbox is on all fucking day. Call of Duty, other games I dont want my kids seeing, scary monsters etc on. Girls only have to go within 5 foot of him and hes snapping, shouting at them. House is small and Im tip toeing around a stropping pre teen whilst dh does nothing to curb behaviour. Every evening is filled with more xbox and
Whatever dss wants to watch.

Sorry just needed to rant.

But it's only a nightmare because of the situation she puts herself in. A two bed house with four full time occupants is not unusual or unreasonable.

It's actually 5 of them when SS stays - though I accept that yes, of course, it's not terribly unusual even still - and will become more so as families are increasingly trapped in properties which are too small - ideally - for their needs. I'm not sure it's a nightmare because of the situation the OP puts herself in .... without knowing more about the co-operation and/or flexibility (or lack of) of each respective ex involved in the overall picture, we can't say for sure that the OP does actually have any real choice in how arrangements have panned out.

I think the main contributor to the "nightmare" is DH's lack of parenting and discipline so far as his son is concerned. Quite clearly, most people would agree that if you do have a (relatively) large number of people squeezed into a too-small space, then you have to have very clear rules and boundaries which encompass consideration for others, give and take, taking turns, respecting each other's space and property and so on. That's the only way everyone can get along and make the best of a bad job (so to speak, no offence intended). And I'm still amazed that DH can possibly think this situation isn't going to be adversely affected by his son constantly playing Xbox games which are unsuitable for a child that age. As others have said, as much as possible, when you live in a small space, you need to try and get out as much as possible so the children can use up some energy .... DH could take SS swimming, or cycling for example.

Turn off the Xbox. I have 3 teenage sons, and they are not allowed to take over the sitting room every evening ( or any evening!). As a treat he could be allowed on WITH DH ( maybe while you are putting the little ones to bed.)
But once you are downstairs, if the TV is on, it needs to be something you can all enjoy, or better still, TV off and board or card games. Might be an idea to head off out yourself, as DH is there to babysit the sleeping DDs, and can do that while he spends quality time with his DS.
Another poster suggested changing sleeping arrangements to DS & DH in your bedroom, and you in the sitting room - it might well work better. Or can you put the girls in your room ( they'll be asleep by the time you go to bed), and DSS in their room?
I'd try to encourage some flexibility with the DDs - they shouldn't be telling you what they're going to do or where they are going to do it, and certainly should be able to accommodate a different routine when DSS is there. It might take a while though.
That might sound a little harsh - but I do sympathise with the very conflicting needs you are having to deal with, and I know step-parenting can be fraught with other people's sensitivities.
I notice you said DSS had had a very difficult few years, so maybe his needs have to take priority in the short-term. Meanwhile, maybe DH can work with him on how to get on better with the girls - at 11, it's not really acceptable for him to be waking up them up in the night, or winding them up when they are so much younger. He's probably jealous of them, but that doesn't really help you, or his relationship with them.
Has he been to CAMHS? it does sound like he needs support with his emotions.

Auntysib, if DSS's needs (continue to) take priority, this is surely to the detriment of the girls and the OP? The girls also have separated parents, why should their needs be any less important? Why should the non-resident child have higher status?

I think parity, and a compromise/meet-in-the-middle solution is far healthier.

I should add, before I head off to cook dinner, that rearranging the visiting schedule still strikes me as the best solution. You would be unlikely to, for example, invite two sets of relatives to say at the same time if the sleeping arrangements didn't work. Why should the principle be any different in this scenario? I realise sanity isn't always prevalent in step situations, but piling everyone high in the absence of beds/bedrooms is clearly not working here.

"But it's only a nightmare because of the situation she puts herself in."

Good grief, people don't half make things up around here

Could DH take DSS away for the occasional weekend?

Do either of you have friends or relatives that you could go and visit?

I think your DH's lack of parenting is the real problem here.

OP Petal02 has it right. In a normal intact family down town is maybe not the norm but blended family set ups are a completely different story. I sympathise completely with you and given the opportunity I too would have a down time to make surviving the rest of the month bearable. The best scenario I have heard suggested is to try if possible to get it so you get one weekend a month downtime, two with all 3 kids and 1 just with your girls. Not sure how you can do it but that's the path I would try to get to. Plus those saying you need to switch the x box off, need to do this, that etc maybe don't realise how hard taking on someone elses older boy is when your children are younger. I still ten years down the line don't hardly ever ask anything of my DSS (and he lives with us 24/7) as I just can't however much I want to. Keep smiling OP you will come up with something x

'down time' stupid predictive text!!!

look it from the children's point of view! They are not related by the looks of it, yet EOW that they get with their mum (DD's) and dad (DSS) they have to share them in a pokey 2 bed house with step siblings. If they are all well-behaved they get to share a room, if they play up they get attention and don't have to share. It sounds like a recipe for frigging bedlam.

We have 3 kids in a 2 bed EOW so I do get how you are all on top of each other, it's hard work. As you are RP for your DD's why not change weekends, seriously you have all the cards the amount of grief the ex wife causes us over contact. She gets away with dictating contact all the time and your request is not unreasonable - you are doing it for the GIRLS sake, if you frame it like that to your ex he'll probably agree.

I would seriously consider re-arranging contact weekends for THEIR benefit. Surely you might like to spend some weekends with your DD's without DSS and vice versa for your DH? There will be plenty of step bonding to be done during school holidays.

And I agree with Catlady you never mentioned the fact you are 'forced' into this rota by exes and seemed to be prioritising your alone time. I guess that's why some of us jumped down your throat.

Even if you can't change permanently with your ex, do you never agree to swap weekends for family functions etc? Even DH and his ex can sometimes manage this without WW3 taking place. So maybe once a quarter you can get some precious alone time?

I would take the tv remote control and xbox power lead or controllers away when you don't want him to be using them.

But this is the family now. The business of 'downtime' aside, having the kids on different weekends would mean that the kids never interact with each other - which does not help to build a more positive relationship, it just avoids dealing with things.

People who say that in an 'intact' family there is no downtime are presuming that you should live as a 'regular', 'intact', family. Well, in a regular, intact family, you'd not normally try and solve behaviour issues, or conflicts between the kids' interests, by engineering things so that the kids were never at home at the same time.

I think the solution has to lie in having some house rules, some consequences, and some unified parenting. Not in manipulation of the schedule to avoid the inevitable conflicts.

brdgrl, I don't think you can force an 11yo boy to have much of a relationship with a 5 and 3 yo girls. Their interests are so different. It's hard enough trying to get DSS an 11 yo boy and my toddler to interact nicely and they are related. Even in together families that never happens. The age difference is too big.

If you were the child would you rather spend your EOW sharing your mum/dad? or would you want some quality time with your parents? And yes you could still set-up contact time when they did all spend time together just not ALL the time together.

Actually if you just had your DSS on his own presumably your dop could devote the weekend to him (which is want he needs/wants) and you would still get your downtime - overall that may be better for you than getting one weekend completely free and coping with a nightmare situation every other weekend?

All I can say is that I totally empathise with your situation, I had almost exactly the same only DSS was quite a bit older, with 'issues' with a father who didn't want to 'rock the boat' with him, it culminated with a situation no one wants and very nearly split us up completely, I'm still unsure how things are going to be from one day to the next. Your DH MUST get a handle on the situation with his son and stop pussy footing around him wanting to be the 'liked' parent, this only disrupts your whole household. Hope you can get him to understand and listen because mine didn't.

It's shocking to read about the number of men who would rather let their wives go than discipline their children.

This forum just opened my eyes Petal02, just goes to show what happens when families split up, the fathers go from being authoritarian to push-over and mothers go from push-over to authoritarian, no wonder we're all screwed up, no one knows wtf is going on or who anyone really is, our roles are all mixed up and the only ones who seem to gain out of all of this are the kids who know how to take advantage!

Excellent post Fubar!

I don't agree that you wouldn't engineer personal space for DC (or parents) in an "intact" family. On the contrary: the more different configurations a family permits itself, the more space each individual has to grow and develop and be a person outside a role assigned by the family as a whole.

In blended families it is a huge mistake to try to keep everyone together and impose rules from the top down.

But if this was an intact family they would not be in a 2 bed house with an 11 yr old boy and two younger girls. The boy would have his own room.

Poor lad, no personal space at all when he goes to his dads. No wonder he gets grumpy and winds the girls up.

My stepson is 16 and has a good relationship with his 3 year-old sister. I'd hate to imagine how much they would both lose out on if we decided that it was more important for either one of them to be allowed to act up, than for them to live together.

Blended or not, families need rules. And parents ought to make them.

But if this was an intact family they would not be in a 2 bed house with an 11 yr old boy and two younger girls. The boy would have his own room.

I wish this were a universal truth. Many families live in homes that are too small to accommodate everyone comfortably.

You need to put your foot down, the children need to have alternate weekends. That's the only solution I see for you OP until you get a larger home.

I fully understand your need for downtime (BD sufferer here too) but wouldn't it be much less stressful for you to work it out that way? Most parents don't get to have downtime at all, least then you'd have more peace at weekends

We make our family rules in consultation with the DC... It works very well. The best rules take everyone's needs into consideration and are realistic about resource constraints.