I have the boiling rage......can I protect my children?

[Fragglewump]

From my not so d exh I.e. their dad. I am sick of trying to pick up the pieces of his parenting fails and feel like the children are being emotionally damaged. Here's the story.....I had 2 kids with exh. We divorced. We both remarried. He now has dw and new baby ds. He has always holidayed with girlfriends and dw without the dcs and they have then watched videos of dad swimming with dolphins, cuddling tigers etc and occasionally said it would be nice to go too. Half term is approaching and exh has just been made redundant and is having a year off to 'bond with new baby''. His wife is on maternity. Last time we discussed arrangements he said he may well have the dcs for half term as he's not at work. So I texted him this week to make plans. He replied that he can't have them as him dw and new baby are flying off on holiday that week!?!?! Wtf?? Why in half term? Last night the dcs were talking about it and how it was sad they weren't going. I tried to be breezy about it and said 'oh well I'm sure you'll be going next time' to which dc2 said 'we better had be!' I just feel so sad on their behalf. If he had chosen any other week in the sodding term he could have said 'we could only afford to go during term time and you can't get out of school' but now it's fucking obvious he just doesn't want them to go. How can I handle it? I don't want to apologise for his behaviour and I need to let the children know that it's okay to feel sad. I've typed a million messages to exh but deleted them all because I want to make my point well and not be full of protective rage for my dcs. Any wise words appreciated.

Frikadellen - great name, very tasty!!!

Hi fraggle, as you have gathered from all these posts, what you and your DCs are experiencing is quite common in step families, and also there is no easy answer to it.

Sadly, breakups always have the biggest emotional impact on the children. There will often be divided loyalties where an Ex takes on a new family with DSCs plus additional offspring from a new DP. your DCs are no longer his priority, cruelly he is making that message clear to you and delivering it a heartless way. I admire you for doing as best you can to mitigate the hurt and disillusionment your DCs must feel at their father's insensitive behaviour.

It feels to me like he is trying to "get back" at you via the children, because he is rubbing your nose in the fact he now has a "wonderful" life full of great activities etc blah blah.

They will indeed form their own opinion of their father as they mature into adulthood. It will likely make them better parents because they do have a wonderful role model of good parenting (in you). I believe I have become a better Step mum because I went through what your DCs are going through and it did have a lasting effect, but I got over that and have gone on to be determined to make life good for my DSS.

I guess the only thing you try to do is reason with you Ex by asking him to not tell you or the DCs when they go away. He needs to man up, stop acting like a childish brat, and face HIS responsibility for HIS children and try to see it from their point of view. Apart from that, being there for them (and resisting the temptation, as you have done, to criticise him to them) is all you can do, no magic wand Im afraid!

trooperlooper I have never read a post that is so clearly projecting / all about you . The OP is NOT your DP's xP so you really need to cool it.

OP I agree with other posters who say that all you can do is make sure your DCs know that YOU love them as much as they need. It may be that if xP carries on in this way you need to revisit the access arrangements - not necessarily reduce, but perhaps talk to him when you are less upset, about committing to certain times and things? eg here he has said that he will have them for half term and reneged - that is not on.

Bloody hell.

This board isn't here to just support step parents - it's here to support those in families affected by the 'step' issue.

Fraggle, unfortunately, some of the people on here can be pricks a bit tetchy. Ignore them.

Of course, you are COMPLETELY within your rights to be bloody angry and upset on behalf of your DC's.

If this was just the one holiday I would think you were being slightly OTT (understandably though - we all are when it comes to our DC's)

but it's many holidays. And he had agreed to have them at half term. What if you'd been working?

this kind of shit drives me mad with DSD's mum.

Just be there for your DC's. and let that prick know that he is letting his children down. Be clear, base it on facts and not emotion, so he can't argue that you're being unreasonable, but you tell him exactly what his actions are causing.

Thanks for the helpful posts. Not sure I'll use this particular board again as there are some sanctimonious self righteous arseholes who use this board to spout bile which is both uncalled for and unhelpful. I posted here because my dcs have step parents and I am also a step mum to my dh's children so I qualify on many counts. It is in my experience its a difficult tightrope to walk especially when other parties on both sides seem to be hell bent in their own needs rather than those of all the children involved. I'm doing my best. I make mistakes but I try to put the children's well being first whether that's emotional physical or mental. God luck to all of you who also find this journey a little wearing at times. Since posting I have kind of decided to try not to offer suggestions to exh as it provokes an aggressive and vitriolic response. I am not responsible for his actions only my own. (Must remember this!!!!!)

I'm really sorry you've been put off, Fraggle.

It can be a genuinely supportive place to be.

I think you have seen the worst of this board!

Thanks fairy! But you're only responsible for your own actions not other people's! You can share my new mantra if you like?

Sorry to hear about your situation Fraggle.

I think in this situation your ex is being an arse, he knows he is being an arse and now your children are aware he is being an arse.

Of course he is now kicking off. He wants to get away with being a selfish arse.

Unfortunately all you can rely do is comfort your children when they inevitably sound off about it, because, they are right - it isn't fair.

I guess you have to kind of detach and treat this like any other situation where your children are being treated unfairly. Point out the unfairness and hope like hell arse develops a conscience.
Ultimately it's up to him whether he does the right thing or not.

At the end of the day, your children are going to grow up knowing their mum loved them.

Why on earth would OP post on lone parents?

It's an issue to do with her children being step children so i would have though step parenting would be the perfect place to get advice on how best to deal with it.

Clearly though membership criteria has been restricted to only women posting about their step children and anyone else is shown the door. How supportive

Rely do? Really do.

i would have though step parenting would be the perfect place to get advice on how best to deal with it.

I was only commenting on MN convention - complaints about exH and Stepmums are the most common topic of conversation on the LP board - even by mums who are in new relationships.
If I were to post on the LP board about the challenges I am currently facing due to the behaviour of my DSCs Mum (who is a lone parent, after all) I would be shown the door in no uncertain terms!

Except Fraggle didn't come on here slagging off the DC's SM, did she ChinaCups? Her OP is directed fair and square at their father.

People really do just read whatever they think is there, don't they.

He sounds like a shit. You concentrate on doing your best for them and hope all will be well. You can't make someone not selfish. My ex is the most selfish man on the planet and nothing will change that. The kids know that and love him despite that. I used to love him despite that. It's a failing and one that is almost impossible to fix.

I get the mantra, but I think you would be completely within your rights to email/write to him explaining exactly why the kids are hurt and upset. And letting him know that any further abusive texts will not be tolerated. I did this once to DD's Dad and it did seem to shame him for a bit (didn't last long, I have to admit)

Fraggle :( It's not bloody fair is it?! All you want him to do is be a half decent parent to his kids and even that's too much for the self centred twat.

It is heart breaking for your kids - especially now they'll see him doing things with their half sister and not them. What a way to go ExH - brilliant - create even more resentment. FFS.

I wonder what his wife thinks? I wonder if she is comfortable with the decisions he makes? I know it's not her job to 'police' his behaviour, but there's no way I'd just stand by and watch him treat his kids like that and I would see that it's likely how he'd treat our kids if we split - it would not make for a harmonious marriage if he didn't sort his shit out.

You really can't protect your kids from his shitty behaviour :( All you can do is be there for them and do as someone else said - make all the other aspects of their lives as positive as you can - not in a Disney/Spoilt way, but so they know they are loved & valued by many people for who they are. It will still hurt, but hopefully a bit less so.

I cannot believe anyone would treat their kids like this.

I'm afraid I have no advice, but feel so sad for your poor DCs. Ultimately he will lose out.

I think I would be more supportive if I had not posted about this before. Basically I get the vibe that its ok for mums/rps to holiday with their DPs without children because they deserve a break/ spend some couple time without children/stepchildren. But god forbid dad/nrp might want the same.

Is it child abuse to holiday without your kids?

If my DH had sent his ex texts about how miffed DSS was that he wasn't going away with his mum on another fancy holiday, she too would have sent nasty texts back.

I'm pretty sure MINUTE sympathy would be thin for him too.

Let's not forget foreign holidays are expensive and if kids are likely to spout, "I'm bored." Every 5 minutes it can seem like a waste of money.

Has your ex never taken them away anywhere?

You see if you took your DCs away on every holiday and your ex did the same then your kids get twice as many holidays as children whose parents are together.

Perhaps its not fair for children of second marriages to listen to the stories of their half siblings going on twice as many holidays either. They should be allowed to have fun days and holidays that are not always timetabled in with half siblings. Sometimes us second wives don't want our children feeling second best and will try to balance things out for our kids too.

Stepmooster you are clearly upset about something but I'm really not sure what you're on about! No one is suggesting its child abuse to holiday without your children. In fact I think that's a pretty stupid thing to say. As a parent - yes I have both biological kids and stepchildren I would not take some children on holiday and not others as it doesn't feel fair and children's feelings would probably get hurt. Gambling with my children's emotional health is not something I like. Why don't you tell us what you're angry about as I'm getting pissed off with you having a pop at me when you don't seem to have a grasp on reality my situation!

stepmooster the OP's ex hasn't gone away without the children/step children. He has taken his wife and 'new' child. That's different to seeking adult alone time, which lots of people do - separated or not.

OP - my ex does this as well. The children have been promised holiday after holiday which have never materalised. The new girlfriend ('cos there's a new one about every 9 months or so) and her family always take priority. He managed one night camping last summer. He has promised them both Disney and Scotland for next summer. I'm not personally holding my breath but I smile and nod and keep my mouth shut when they mention it!

Why not just add up all the ££ spent on each DC, Stepmooster, and be done with it? In fact, you could perhaps have each one transfer pocket money to the hard done by ones, to even things up? Keep track on a chalkboard in the kitchen?

Is it child abuse to holiday without your kids? Probably not, which is probably why the OP hasn't said it is.

OP hasn't said anything about holidaying without her DSCs, so why lay other posters' opinions at her door? She hasn't said anything about totting up the money. She has made it clear that she's simply sad for her DC that their father doesn't want to spend time with them, it's not just about who goes where, when - eg he bogged off to Australia for three weeks over Christmas, before DW had their new DC. He is now choosing to be away at half term when he could have stayed to spend time with his older DC. She has asked for constructive suggestions on how to manage how her DC are feeling. What is so difficult to understand about where the OP is coming from?

What is your exh wifes relationship with your dc's? Could it be her not wanting to take your dc's away?
I ask this because I am sm to 2 which I don't take away. As prev posted, I tried and failed. I haven't tried since though obvo things are different now I have dsd1 living with us.
Dh does take them away but never abroad. Their mother won't allow that. She has some strange fear that he will board a plane and never come back. Though when we go abroad, she moans her tits off that dsc's aren't with us. Tbh if they were allowed(when they were both with their dm, I wouldn't have anyway). Right or wrong,I have(if I'm lucky) 1 holiday a year and want to be able to enjoy it. After all, I usually am the 1 who pays.
Dsc's always go away with their dm yearly and with their df and I think that's plenty.
Perhaps their is a reason why your situation is as it is. If I felt as strongly as you do and had the response you have received from xh,I may try and chat to his dw and see if anything can be resolved.
Its a hard one.

I have both biological kids and stepchildren I would not take some children on holiday and not others as it doesn't feel fair and children's feelings would probably get hurt

That's certainly not a universal opinion though and entirely dependent on circumstances.

OP, stating that a parent is gambling with their DCs emotional health if they holiday with some, rather than all of the DCs in the family reveals the underlying judgements you are making about your ex and his DW, and about anyone else whose circumstances may be different to your own.

China you have failed to understand my issue.
Schmatzingmatilda you have entirely understood my issue.

I can't see if you say how old your DC are, but as they get older they do realise when they're not wanted, and it does hurt them. You can see from this thread that it happens frequently, although there are different points of view.

FWIW, I couldn't take one child on holiday without the others, why would it be different because you have divorced one child's other parent? He is a father of 3, not one!

I think that all you can do is be supportive, let them rant at you and give them lots of hugs. They know where their feelings are put first, with you.

Mine are teens now, they let it bother them less. I'm sure it still hurts.

OP, I'm angry on your behalf, he is an arse.