To think we should not invite stepson for Christmas?

[KittyShcherbatskaya]

I will try to keep the back story short. DH has a 23 year old son who is clever, able and charming but doesn't behave well towards us. He lives abroad and his pattern is to go out of contact for ages (sometimes months) while DH gets incredibly worried imagining him in hospital/prison/dead; then gets in touch when he wants something - nearly always money, sometimes practical help as well. He says it's a loan and will lay us back, then goes incommunicado again. DH usually says no immediately, pointing out how much he owes already, but then agrees (and yes this is a major part of the issue).

This last weekend DSS visited at a few days notice, bringing four friends as they were all competing in a sporting event near where we live. He asked DH to pay for his transport and said he would pay us back when he got here. However one of the friends told me that the team has sponsors who gave them money for their transport in advance. I suspect that they got money for accommodation too which they saved by staying with us - which would be fine, if that was explicit.

DH asked DSS for the transport money and he stalled until he was leaving, then said he had left it on the table in the bedroom. There was no money there. DSS said one of his friends must have taken it by accident! DH said your responsibility, pay us back in the next two days.

I clearly don't know for sure but suspect he never left any money. He does have form for lies and sneakiness but this has really riled me. I don't care about the money, wouldn't mind paying his transport whenever he comes to see us, but do mind being used as a free hotel. I am sick of seeing my DH, who loves him dearly, worried sick about him and having DSS break promises to keep in touch. DH split from his mother when he was 12 and feels guilty that this had a negative impact on DSS, and blames himself that he isn't more sorted - but this translates into letting him take advantage repeatedly. I really want to draw a line somewhere so that this cycle doesn't continue indefinitely, it's no good for anyone. Am considering saying that DSS is not welcome for Christmas if he doesn't repay the money. AIBU? Or can you think of a better course of action, I am sleep deprived and hormonal with new baby so probably not the clearest thinker at the moment!

(Not very short after all, thank you for reading)

All your dh needs to say is no

Moon and Piglet you are both right. Thank you for telling it straight! Poor DH is a very generous, lovely man but isn't doing his son any favours. I think I will be the disciplinarian when DCs are older!

Poor man, he is obviously trying to atone for perceived past sins, but it really won't help this lad.
By the age of 18, even before, every £ I borrowed from my parents was expected back. It riled me at the time but I understand now what they were doing.

So your aim is to make sure that he understands how much he hurts his dad by disappearing off the radar. And the means by which you plan to achieve that is to ban him from celebrating Xmas with you. I can't see any connection.
In the middle of it all is money which your husband uses to alleviate his guilt and your step son as a way of proving that his dad still loves him. You just had another baby so there are now 2 siblings which he doesn't have much connection to and are growing with both parents. I am not saying he is right. It's just you don't seem to have much compassion for him. You don't need to protect your husband from his son. It's strictly between them. You listen to your husband, you empathise with him but it's not up to you to solve this problem. And if you don't mind money then leave it up to them. But you do need to protect your other children but by not ripping him out of their lives but by "managing their expectations" and by setting clear boundaries with him when it will get to the point that he promises something to them or is deliberately cruel.
I am writing it as another child of a parent who experienced awful guilt towards the eldest child. I could've coped much better if I was told that no, behaving like that is not normal, that you don't expect much from the aggrieved sibling and you do need to put boundaries in place and not placate them no matter what.

Soundevenfruity I am annoyed with DSS at the moment so probably not coming across as very compassionate but I do genuinely care about him, and feel the current pattern isn't helping him. I'm really interested that you said he uses getting money to prove his dad loves him, I hadn't thought about that. I wonder how he could get his reassurance in a more positive way.

Kitty I've reported your thread and asked MNHQ to move the thread to step parent's for you. You should get lots of advice from those who have been in a similar position. Hope that's ok.

It is up to your dh ultimately to deal with his son. You can encourage him by being supportive and encourage him to say no to him . No don't ban him from Christmas, but no to any financial requests

Don't ban him just STOP GIVING HIM CASH!!

Definitely refuse financial requests but I think banning him for Christmas, especially if there is a new baby is a bad idea, doubly so if you think he is affirming his dads love with money, that won't help the situation. dh needs go grow a pair on this and deal with the guilt, what was his contact like after the split? could you invite dss more often? a frank conversation about how his dad feels when he vanishes (throw your young dcs into the mix, no harm a little justifiable guilt?) could help, he might not care, he might be immature, he might not think.

he might just be out for what he can get off his parents, I know two of my dbs (22 and 20) are like this and it pisses me right off to see my parents pandering. they don't so often any more I may have overstepped some boundaries and shouted at parents over this and it has helped the boys grow up a bit.

Is giving money something that your husband has always done? is this new behavior from your step son or something that has just become a pattern over the years?

I can see why you are fed up with it.

Thank you Wait for getting it moved here.

Boots after the split DSS moved abroad with his mum so DH was only able to see him in school holidays. The pattern of giving him a lot materially started then, he took him on expensive holidays etc. and I think DSS got used to having his dad's love expressed in that way. He still lives abroad so it would be difficult to see him more often, though when DH talked about going over there to see him, maybe with oldest DCS, DSS seemed delighted. DSS genuinely does care about his siblings so yes a bit of guilt in that area might help.

I don't think he's just out for what he can get from us, but that does seem part of it. He likes his material comforts and tends to want things now.

Amber it's been a pattern since the split really, firstly with holidays etc., then since he left school with giving money. I would never mind helping DSS financially but I don't think it is helping; he gets into debt by getting loans etc., defaults on payments and then we bail him out, he never has to learn responsibility. Mostly though I hate seeing DH feeling like DSS doesn't care about his feelings and just uses him, and lies.

A couple of posters said I should just keep out of it and leave it to them and I old be interested to know what other step parents think. I tend to get pulled in as referee, DH explodes with anger at DSS and I have to mediate. I don't think I always do this very well, certainly the pattern hasn't been broken. I don't want to say he can't come for Christmas, that would be sad for everyone, but right now DH is furious about the lying and says he doesn't want him here.

I think it would be petty to not invite him for Christmas.
Does DH usually buy him something/give him money for Christmas? If so then maybe he should say that as he owes him money he won't get anything for Christmas, then do what others have said, wipe the slate clean but cut off his supply of money unless you are prepared to give it to him without expecting repayment.
As for him going AWOL for long periods, I doubt if that will change tbh. My stepbrother is like this and we have given up wondering where he is - he usually shows up eventually with a long involved bullshit story about what he has been up to. Some people are just like that, selfish and inconsiderate and rarely change.

I dont think this is uniquely a step parent problem at all. You have every right for your post to remain here and it will get more attention as the traffic is higher onAIBU

In terms of this problem, and apologies if my post duplicates other posts, your DH is enabling his DSs actions, thought-processes and dependencies. If all he needs to do is ask for cash as an easy way out, he will never grow to being a fully functioning adult who has to think through his own problems and sort them out for himself.

He just needs His father to tell him "no things must now change!" And needs to be consistent, ie not say no one minute then back down "no is a complete sentence" springs to mind, no ifs or buts.

Being cruel to be kind with do your DSS a huge favour in the long run. As for therapy, I think that's a decision for you and DH to take. Qhite frankly the best therapy is the reality check AKA get off your backside, you are young and healthy get out there and do it! Christmas is fine, btw, hand outs are not. Maybe use the opportunity to tell him the ground rules for this years festivities and how he is expected to behave! If he doesnt like it he can stay away

You have the patience of a saint

Ah just realised this has been move

I would suggest you dont necessarily need to be "involved" in any overt way, but being there to support your DH would probably be the best way of approaching it.

DH ought to be the one to deliver the tough message about his son's behaviour because of the past history. Messages such as:

lying is not something I will tolerate

disappearing off the face of the earth with no consideration isn't acceptable behaviour

and

sorry but "perpetual loans" of cash have to stop now.

DSS will thank him in the long run!

Problem lies with your OH, stepson can only take what he is given. The fact he never paid back proves he doesn't actually think your OH will pursue it and he's probably right. He sounds awful though, making up all that crap about his mate taking it - nice honest adult huh.

Until your OH actually says no then nothing will change.

As for not inviting him for Xmas, I'd say that a bit tit for tat.

Sorry for delay in replying, I am not great at navigating the different boards. Thank you both for responding. As predicted DSS has gone off the radar again and no money has been forthcoming. Yes I agree a clear message needs to come from DH, his pattern is to be very angry, say not another penny then cave quite easily the next time DSS is in need. I have talked to him about this and he agrees, and also said that he wonders if the 'banter' type relationship they have is unhelpful, and it needs to be more adult to adult. Anyway I will support him with the tough line on money, but being clear that he is loved member of the family. Fingers crossed.

Hi,
Sorry - a bit late here, but I have an idea. Could you tell him in advance that you have decided that cash is the most appropriate Christmas gift?

Christmas Day rolls around, and you hand him a card, with a note stating 'Let's start again. For Christmas we would like to gift you £££ (the total amount that he owes you). Now you no longer have to worry about paying us back. Xxx'
He will be miffed that he is walking away empty handed, you get to feel less aggrieved about the unpaid debts.
Any more requests for cash should be met with a reminder of how generous you have been, but that it must have been an embarrassing situation for him, and it shouldn't be repeated. If he pushes, state that he can have £??, but it will be in lieu of Christmas/ birthday. Each year, agree a total set figure that is acceptable for each, and refuse to go above this amount.