15yr old daughter hates step-father

[hulahoop76]

My 15 year old daughter hates her step father, we have been married for 6yrs together for 8 and they have never really got on, this got gradually worse as she became a teenager. Then, just to put the nail in the coffin, a year ago she discovered her step-father was having an affair. She took the info she'd discovered to my mother who broke the news to me. After 6 weeks of me being broken, i made the decision to try and make my marriage work. We both had counselling (separately) and are back on track with a much better relationship. My daughter is devastated that i made that decision and although has had counselling herself, isn't emotionally mature enough to understand why (please don't comment about the affair if you have negative thing to say, it was the hardest decision i've ever had to make and didn't do it lightly). Things came to a head 8 weeks ago and my daughter ran away, she is now staying at my mothers house who is refusing to send her home (she also hates my husband) the day she left I had heatstroke and couldn't stop her leaving (admitted to hospital 2 hours later) so i asked her step-father to lock the doors and try to talk to her. This clearly didn't work and she called the police. Before they arrived she managed to get out of the house and go to my mums. The police advised to leave her there over night for everything to calm down and talk to her in the morning....so here i am 8 weeks later and she's still refusing to talk to me. I am in so much emotional pain again and feel like i'm being ripped apart, all i get from my mother is "if he wasn't there, she'd be back". I've been to the school and they've been helpful but i haven't heard anything back yet and i've also got an appointment with a solicitor. Is there anything else i can do?? I miss her so much it's destroying me

You're not going to like this but it's tough shit.
You are reaping what you've sown.
You've prioritised a man over your dd's feelings from when she was very young. So what if your other kids were happy with your new man - the feelings of the unhappy child should have taken precedence.
She probably feels you've ignored her feelings for too long, have forced her to live in an unhappy situation for too long, that you care more about this cheating arse than you do her - your actions have shown her this.

Leave her where she is for now.
You need to acknowledge and accept how she feels about SD and the affair situation.
You need to start listening to what she is saying to you, why she feels the ways she does and finding a way to improve YOUR relationship with her.
You need to accept that she may never like or truly accept your husband - the cheating has just validated her feelings about him.

She had play therapy when she was 6 as i was concerned for her when i separated from her father
So within a year of leaving her dad you 'forced' another man into her life when she wasn't emotionally ready along with his 2 dc?
You continued to ignore her feelings and charged ahead doing what you wanted anyway. `
You placed more importance on the feelings of her other siblings and used that as an excuse to validate your actions.
Even now, the only kids who's feelings you are placing importance on are the ones who agree/are happy with your decision.
That's how it comes across to me and some/all of it is probably true for your dd too.

She's built a closer bond with her grandmother so is where she feels comfortable, understood and listened to.
GM could well be playing manipulative games - but the fact that one of your step-sons is also not happy with your family set up is very telling.

You and dh need to stop being so bloody selfish!
Take some time apart and focus on your respective unhappy children.

Meyka, you'd probably find it more useful to start a new thread rather than add a message to an old one, because posters might end up replying to the original message posted in 2013.

For what it's worth, your H sounds awful - he doesn't get to dictate to you whether you are allowed to have a relationship with your own dd. In your shoes, yes, I would leave him.

I think the sad thing is that your DD has lost respect for you by taking him back. She feels let down by you.

I'm not sure how you can come back from that. Perhaps family therapy for you both, but she'll never like your DH. His affair just solidified her thoughts.

She was likely hoping against hope that you'd end it with him and looking forward to a life without him......but you didn't.

I don't see how the situation will improve.

Sometimes I wonder what people honestly think 'putting my kids first' actually means?