Dsc's and my sister's wedding

[babyhmummy01]

My younger sister gets married later this year and asked me if I thought dsd and dss would like to.be flower girl/page boy. Dss is a typical 9 yo and not fussed, doesn't want to stand in front of ppl he dpesnt know etc which is fine. My sister suggested they hire him a suit and he could decide on the day which is fine. Dsd (7) was very excited and we managed to get her a dress that matched the existing bridesmaids.

However, we have been having issues with her wetting herself which I have posted about previously. We have literally tried everything. Dr confirms no physical issue, this is happening at mum's, grandma's, ours and school. When asked calmly she tells the same story to everyone, she was busy and forgot to go to the loo. Mum insists she is just being lazy and whilst I suspect there is part of it that is about attention seeking (dss is very much pfb of mum) there is a part of me that suspects there is some of it that is just laziness as sometimes she is brill and we have no issues and others we have it 4-5 times in a weekend.

We resorted to using the wedding as bribery to try and encourage her to think more. She has had several "last chances" due to dp and Disney issues but after doing it at a christening a few weeks ago dp told her it was last chance salon, once more and no wedding which means dss can't go either.

Today she has done it again. I have washed and changed her, told her she knew what it meant and she needed to explain to daddy. Dp wants to give her yet another last chance but she has had at least 3 already. I don't think its fair on my sister who has spent a lot on her much awaited wedding to have it spoilt by dsd...

DP doesn't like to see his daughter upset and neither do I, but this is my sister's big day and I don't want it ruined because we have to leave to deal with dsd.

Am I being the step mum from hell or am I right to make dp stand by his statement that this was her last chance?

Telling her she can't be a bridesmaid is really mean though - especially when the obvious third way is to say if she doesn't get a handle on it she'll have to wear a pull-up at the wedding? It may lead to a meltdown but so would not being a bridesmaid I'd imagine!

Could you stick a tena thingy in her pants for the ceremony?

I would also be marching her to the toilet religiously every 20 minutes every time she is with you. I would hope that it gets so annoying that she starts going herself. Tell her that when she has had dry pants for a month you will stop forcing her to use the toilet.

Do also like the idea of "earning" the wedding back. Problem is that it might not work and you'll be back to square 1.

What is she like at school?

As I have said several times we have tried and.reminding her and taking her doesn't work she just refuses to go.

Mum keeps saying she doesn't do it st school but I collect her every week and know she had on a few occasions.

Using the wedding as bribery was a complete last resort as nothing else has worked. And this was working until the last week or so.

She genuinely can do it when she thinks about it but she is s stubborn little thing and if there is something more interesting on ie computer, playing with her brother, watching a tv program she just doesn't bother. She holds it til its just too late.

There really isn't anything else to it

Is she getting any help for the wetting? If not take her to the GP and request some support for how to deal with it.
If there is no physical issue then it is an emotional issue. I feel sorry for the child.

God you really need some expert help here - sounds like there is a psychological element to it whether she's doing it deliberately or can't help it. It's been handled badly and you are just tying yourself in knots now. Go and talk to school and get a referral to a school/continence nurse for some considered advice. And just leave any decisions about the wedding to one side. Good luck... Step parenting is so hard!!

I also feel sorry for the OP - I know how awful it is when a DsC who is regularly in your care clearly needs professional intervention but neither parent is willing to seek it.

I think you've had a hard time on this thread, OP, you can't change the behaviour of your DP or his ex, can't intervene and seek the help your DSD needs - but it is your life, and that of your extended family, which is disrupted. I'd be worried about my wedding day if my 7 yr old bridesmaid regularly wet herself and had meltdowns when adults tried to support her!

I suggest you get the wedding out of the way and then disengage - leave your DP to clean, clear, launder etc and refuse to be responsible for your DSD until her parents resolve her problems. It's too big an ask to expect you to meet her needs when they refuse to support her to resolve things.

Dr was not interested after ruling out physical issues and because its not a massively regular issue at school they arent interested either. I spoke to mum last night about talking to the school and basically got told she is lazy and to keep my nose out. So what more can I do? DP understandably won't go behind his exw back cos he doesn't want to cause issues and have her get pissy about contact etc esp while she is still living in his house and their financial settlement isn't finalised.

Am truly stuck in the world's worst position ever. If mum won't consider emotional issues then I can only play within the lazy rules

Thanks prettypaperweight its nice to have someone try and see my side cos am struggling to get dp to!

I feel very very sorry for your DSD

She is excited about the wedding no?

Yet you, your DP and her mum are putting a lot of pressure on her to be dry. In circumstances that you, yes you, are making an unnecessary mountain out of.

Please heed the very good advice you have been given here.

Your priority should be to support and help your DSD to become dry. You need to delink the issue from the wedding NOW. And please stop punishing her. This isn't about following through. When there is an issue about her behaviour that would be a good time to show her about consequences and following through. This is not a behavioural issue, and it isn't the time.

I do not use Mumsnet to flame people, but your behaviour makes me very sad.

wicked how do you suggest the OP influences her DP and his ex to see your POV?

This is a nightmare scenario for stepparents; absolutely no influence, even when a DSC is being neglected/abused, there is rarely anything we can do.

My DS had this problem and he would also refuse to foot the toilet when asked, even when jiggling around! I don't think the wedding is the right thing to hold over her. However I stopped DS going out to stuff like soft play and swimming as he wasn't dry and wouldn't let me tell him to go. I refused to take extra clothes out as he wasn't a baby and backed off telling him to use the loo but said he had to have a dry week before he could go out to places he wanted to go.
Also big praise for dry pants every evening. DS got bored of staying in and once I'd backed off and let him decide when he wanted to go, he started doing it. Took 2 weeks and he was fine.

my ds wet himself up till about 8. School didn't notice as he'd just sit in it and would come home wet (or dry if he'd been sat in it all day). He didn't smell as he was washed regularly.
It was usually when he was totally absorbed in something and just didn't notice the signals until it was too late. He wasn't being lazy or attention seeking. It definitely happened more at home where he was more relaxed though.

I absolutely understand your frustration but making threats like missing the wedding is highly unlikely to 'cure' her and could have the potential to make things worse.

I would let her go to the wedding. It doesn't have to spoil things for your dsis if dsd wets herself - just deal with it calmly and no-one will notice in all probability.
She'll probably be so proud of her dress that she makes an extra effort to stay dry anyway. In that way it could be a really positive experience for dsd.

Or, put the OP in a different context:

My 7 yr old niece was going to be a bridesmaid at my wedding and is really excited, but my sister/BIL have told her she can't be because she keeps wetting herself. I think my DN needs support and help but DSis says she's just lazy and needs punishing. What can I do?

I am getting really fed up with the accusations from most of you that I have created this issue. It was dp's punishment not mine and I am stuck in the middle of a situation I never asked to be put in.

How the hell am I supposed to support a child when herown mother refuses to admit there may be an issue that her affair and subsequent destruction of the child's family has caused?!

I have pushed already for everything on this thread and basically been told she isn't my child and to mind my own business

If I was posting that I was planning to undermine the parents I would guess you would all be flaming me for that too and reminding me that as a step its not my place to parent.

So what more do u want from me?! My question had nothing to.do with was the wedding right or wrong it was should I let dp continue to be Disney and forgo following through threats for her behaviour which for the most part has been ignored.

I shall remember in future not to bother coming for support from other step parents as clearly you are bot interested in anything other than flaming each other

You could make the wedding conditional on an agreement that she does on that day go to the toilet every hour when you remind her.

That would be fair enough.

If I was posting that I was planning to undermine the parents I would guess you would all be flaming me for that too and reminding me that as a step its not my place to parent.

I was just going to post the same thing! The irony is incredible!

The problem is that all the while you support your DH, he has no motivation to change things. You say he won't 'go behind his ex's back' and yet he is an equal parent - if he believes his DD needs support, be it medical or psychological, then he should move heaven and hell to get it and deal with the consequences if they arise.

It's not your job to support your DH regardless; if you don't agree or feel you are being taken advantage of, then step back and let your DsD parents deal with the issue - including refusal to be sole carer if necessary.

Dp wants to sort it but for a variety of reasons his hands are tied. He has told exw that if she carries on he will take dd to the Dr but the fallout from that conversation has been a nightmare.

She really is complete unreasonable because in her eyes their ss is just being lazy

I'm sorry you have been given such a hard time.

I think there are two separate issues here. 1 - what can you do to help your DSD become dry and 2. What can you do about the wedding. Why do you think she has such a negative reaction to pull-ups? Have they been portrayed as a punishment / the worst thing ever? Perhaps they need de-demonising if the wedding is to be a goer. They used to do revolting Disney princess ones - perhaps you could get some and say they're for the wedding? Just have them in the house so she can get used to them - somewhere visible - and say they're just part of the wedding, it's hard to get to the toilet when you're a bridesmaid, it's just the way it is.

Separate to that, perhaps a sticker chart for when she's with you? Some informal advice from your local GP or health visitor? Explain to the HV that you're in an awkward position and want "off the record" advice. Would your local HV also be DSD's HV? Because I think seeing DSD's HV would be crossing a line, but seeing another HV and keeping quiet about it (but employing their suggested strategies) might not.

He has told exw that if she carries on he will take dd to the Dr but the fallout from that conversation has been a nightmare.

Why did he tell her? Does she tell him when she takes the DCs to the Dr?
If he doesn't want drama then don't attract it; he can be a parent if he wants to be - right down to seeking a specific issue order if she refuses to engage in the treatment fir DSD recommended by professionals.
A parents hands are never tied when it comes to the welfare of their DCs.

You should leave it up yo your dp to sort his daughter out every time she wets herself. This is not your responsibility. Same if she does it at the wedding, it is him that will be inconvenienced, not you. If you step back from taking over and dealing with it then it will force him to be less accommodating.

OP you've gotten a hard time on this thread and I don't blame you for being fed up. This is your sister's occasion and you're right, you couldn't be in a worse position if you tried - your family occasion has been used by your naive DH as an incentive to solve a problem that nobody else is much interested in. It was a terrible idea of his to engineer this situation. Anyone could've seen it coming a mile away.

FWIW both of my stepchildren have had bathroom issues. I think it has less to do with a family breakup than it does with just that ages 7-9 are tough on kids; they're kind of lazy but yet have a lot more expected of them than in ages 6 or less, and so they take a long time to figure out how to cope. You are not the only one who feels like she's banging her head against a wall.

I think the only thing you can do to salvage this is to tell DH that you're handling it from here forwards. Tell your SD that you still want her to participate in the wedding, but only if she can show you she can handle it. I disagree with the posters who imply it wouldn't be a big deal if she wet herself at the wedding, or if you had to take her to the loo every 20 min - it's your sister's wedding. You should be able to enjoy it. Your SD's forgetfulness shouldn't trump your desire to enjoy a major family event.

Tell her very calmly that you're willing to still allow her to be in the wedding, but she will be wearing a pull-up during it, unless she is dry for the most part til then. Any strops about it will mean she can't participate. Reward her like mad for dry days, make her cooperate in the cleanup if she does wet (ie take her away from playing or whatever it was she was absorbed in leading to her forgetting to go to the loo, and have her assist you/dh in laundry, or something else equally as boring, so she learns going to the loo is easier/quicker than forgetting) all with the understanding that her body & brain will take a while to catch up to what she knows she needs to do (stay dry), and the pull-up will be there only as a safety net.

I would think it would be mortifying to her to have wet herself in front of loads of people at a wedding. A pull-up is definitely preferable to that, or to missing out altogether. Would she understand it if you put it to her this way?

A child has urinary issues and you are punishing her for that? Are you actually being fucking serious?

My 10 year old ds still wets the bed but do I punish him? Do I heck as like because you know what-he cant bloody help it!

If this wee girl is having problems in this area then something is going on-I doubt very much she is doing it for fun or laziness

If you punish her by not allowing her to be a bridesmaid then you are making yourself look like the nasty stepmother imo. Are you?

Its a really tough situation. Sorry you're getting a hard time op. I can see you are desperately trying to do the right thing.
I general, I'm all for following through, but in this instance the wedding should never have been used as a threat and you need to back down. Take it off the table altogether and come up with another strategy. Being bridesmaid is a dream come true for a lot of little girls. I think removing that privilege is something that could stick with her for a very long time and ultimately backfire.
Good luck with handling this tricky situation

Ok. Let me try again.

This is not about parenting or step parenting or any other combination.

This is about a child who has continence issues and is being punished. WTAF?

OP you said you had put pressure on your DP to stop being a Disney dad. Can you not see that this situation would benefit from a Disney dad?

Don't punish, don't reward, clean her up kindly, but with minimal fuss and give her the opportunity to grow out of it in her own time. If this doesn't work she should have professional help.

When children behave badly you are right that you should follow through with consequences. But this isn't about her behaviour.

Most posters here have recommended that you don't use the wedding as a hold over your DSD, and yet you say you have decided that she isn't going. That makes me sad for your DSD.

Why did you ask for advice?

Most posters here have recommended that you don't use the wedding as a hold over your DSD, and yet you say you have decided that she isn't going

The OP hasn't decided that, her DP - the DCs Dad has.

The idea that a stepparent could unilaterally decide what their DSC are, or are not, doing is laughable!

This DC is being let down by the adults in her life - but the stepparent has two choices; go along with the parents decision, or disengage.
Clearly, neither are acceptable to some people who expect a stepparent to wade in and compensate for the parents inadequancies.