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Original poster

So this is the scenario, how would you deal with it and/or your dh/dp (sorry it's a long one!)

125 replies

K8eee · 01/06/2013 20:18

Right so here it is...

Dh has dss every school holiday and he was due to pick him up Tuesday morning just gone, early.

He drove 266 miles to dss home town and stayed with a mate over night. They ended up going out, he stayed up later than he should've, but got 6 or so hours sleep. He picks up dss Tuesday morning, and heads off approx 7:45am back home to me. With half hour or so he feels tired so pulls over into a service station on the motorway, parks up in the corner out the way of anyone, locks himself and dss in the car and explains to dss that because he is a but tired he just needs to rest his eyes ready for the long drive home. Dss has his ds and dh phone to occupy him for the 45 mins dh rests. Once awake, dh quickly runs into the service station, grabs a red bull and makes his way home and gets here safely.

Now, what is your judgement on my dh and his actions? Sensible for stopping to rest, or irresponsible and unsafe for resting with dss in the car.

Dh ex went absolutely ballistic saying he was irresponsible, and now is refusing dh to have dss in the car with him. This has resulted in us having to pay for her fuel to come and pick him up. I was very reluctant to let dh give her the money, but all week she has given us grief, and has pummelled dss with phrases such as 'you're not safe with daddy in the car anymore' and 'you're never allowed to go to your dads ever again' which I also have has to answer questions from his to justify the reasoning for why his dad had a cat nap before the long journey.

OP posts:
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Original poster
K8eee · 02/06/2013 10:52

It's not like he's neglected as going to school in dirty clothes and lives in a hovel. His mum has issues

OP posts:
Sh1ney · 02/06/2013 10:54

What difference does her being a single parent make? Nothing, by the way.

The drinking is another thing though - your thread seems all over the place and has evolved from a simple 'was my DH wise to rest as he felt tired? '

Rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2013 10:56

Her drinking was bad enough though that your dh had to leave her. He must think she is a decent parent as he would have taken his son with him.

Original poster
K8eee · 02/06/2013 10:56

I never said it made a difference, just clarifying the situation.

All over the place? No in just answering

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 02/06/2013 10:57

I would have grave reservations about setting up home with a man who abandoned his child to live with an alcoholic.

SgtTJCalhoun · 02/06/2013 11:22

What has her being a single parent got to with anything?

Honestly the more I read this, the sorrier I feel for her.

An ex who thinks it's ok to sleep with his 7 year old in GB's car because he was pissed up the night before and this same ex and his new DP slagging her off to anyone that will listen. She's a heavy drinker but he left her with his child? I am sorry but I can only see one bad parent here and without hearing her side it is your DH I am afraid.

You sound thoroughly poisonous the pair of you and like a million other exes and their gullible new partners, enjoying being united in being full of criticism for the ex.

pictish · 02/06/2013 11:35

He left her because of her control issues and heavy drinking?
I think that very unlikely.
What I think is far more likely is that she ditched him for the same.

Beware of formong an opinion about a woman you don't really know. I bet she has a very different take on events from your man there.

Let's face it - so far what has happened is that he has placed drinking above the care of his son, and she hasn't.

Yet she has a drink problem, according to you two. Something's not right there.

Arisbottle · 02/06/2013 11:53

It is much more likely that they were/ are both heavy drinkers than just the ex. as Pictish says you actually have first hand evidence of DH putting drink before his son. The son he has limited time with.

Kaluki · 02/06/2013 12:40

Dress it up how you like - HE put his son in danger by driving while it was unsafe to do so.
You can sling mud at his ex and her drinking habits but it doesn't alter the fact that your DH was in the wrong.
And difference does it make that you are married and she is single? Does that automatically make you perfect parents?
Grow up OP and take the consequences of your irresponsible husbands actions!

mumandboys123 · 02/06/2013 12:48

very depressing....the married woman considering herself way superior to the single mum. Says it all. Exactly how single mums are viewed by society, second class citizens, not good enough, always a problem to someone. Sigh.

TobyLerone · 02/06/2013 12:57

Why couldn't he have just taken his DS into the shop with him?

He was irresponsible for going out the night before and being too tired to drive safely. And he's lying about only having had a couple of drinks and having had 6 hours sleep.

Also, what pictish & SgtCalhoun said.

waltermittymissus · 02/06/2013 13:57

What pictish said.

mynewpassion · 02/06/2013 14:00

Its good to see that you and your DH concede that his choices the night before driving his son home were less than ideal. Making progress.

dotcomlovenest · 02/06/2013 14:39

I think your DP was a bit of dick for going out etc. But his ex is laying it on thick, she has no legal right to stop contact or demand that she pick him up and you pay.
If she wants to come get him I would not pay her a penny.
If she doesn't allow contact take her to court the judge will likely order a section 7 and you will be found capable of keeping the son safe and she will look like a dick, that doesn't have her child's best interests at heart.

dignifiedsilence · 02/06/2013 15:32

Like I said though so long as he has learnt his lesson and to be honest it is good the child is not made to keep secrets ie 'Don't tell Mummy' is never a good idea IMO. Although yeah it would concern me too as we all like to protect our children I certainly wouldn't be reacting like this unless my ex did it all the time. Who am I to dictate to him how to look after our child when in his company? If he was a suitable choice for a father when the baby was created then he should be free to make decisions on his childs welfare when in his care whether you are in a relationship with them or not.

Original poster
K8eee · 02/06/2013 16:51

So two pints is being a heavy drinker? Hmmm ok.

She has done a brilliant job with dss. He is a polite, lovely little boy but I fear what will happen in the future if she carries on with batting dss down whenever he questions anything to do with dh or I. She has been making things up about me that dss has spoken to me about.

I agree that he should've had an early night and all that, but none of you seem to get the point I'm trying I get across. She's neglecting dss of his father who wants to see him. One of the very rare fathers who isn't a Disney dad, or doesn't want to know.

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 02/06/2013 16:56

I don't think it is unusual to not be a Disney or absent Dad. It sounds to me that you think your DSS should be grateful for his father's mere presence .

NotaDisneyMum · 02/06/2013 17:04

none of you seem to get the point I'm trying I get across. She's neglecting dss of his father who wants to see him. One of the very rare fathers who isn't a Disney dad, or doesn't want to know.

She's not actually done it though, has she?

If/when she does, then there are plenty of experienced people here who can talk you through the options open to your DP - in the mean time, let things cool off, and chalk it up to experience. In high-conflict separations, it is best for the DCs if the NRP is 'whiter than white'. Your DP made an error of judgement and his ex is exploiting it.
If she follows through on her threat to withhold contact there are steps your DP can take - but his parenting will be put under scrutiny so it will be of great benefit if all his decisions are taken with his DC in mind.

Original poster
K8eee · 02/06/2013 17:12

Not at all, his mum should be grateful! Dss didn't ask to be brought into the world. I wish I could step in and try and calm things between the two of them but I end up getting infuriated by how things are blown out of proportion.

Only time will tell.

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 02/06/2013 17:15

Your stepson's mother should be grateful that he has not totally abandoned the child that he helped to create. What high standards you have?

Will you also be grateful if he doesn't totally abandon any children that you have?

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 02/06/2013 17:21

His mum should be be grateful? For what? I'm confused Hmm

Look, your dp made a mistake, one that would worry and anger a lot of parents, his ex has probably knee jerked in her reaction, can't you just accept that? You seem to be doing everything you can to get people to agree and sympathise with you, o the point that each post brings new revelations.

Original poster
K8eee · 02/06/2013 17:51

I have spoken with a lot of parents in the job I do where a parent has abandoned the child Sad it's more common than I ever thought.

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 02/06/2013 18:07

Yes there are people who abandon their children , they are not in the majority and women should not feel grateful because a man does not abandon the children they chose to conceive.

Rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2013 18:10

But op, your dh did abandon his child to live with a heavy drinker. He was able to make that choice to leave as it reminded him of the horror of his own mother yet is fine in leaving his ds to this horror.

Rainbowinthesky · 02/06/2013 18:11

I also think he was further negletful to move so far away from such a dreadful mother. If he didnt want to take his son with him out of this situation at least he could have made sure he was close by.

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