so DSD's Mum is off on her holiday but

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

She wants her on Mothers day which is also DHs 40th birthday. Her mum is going on a 2 week trip to the Caribbean the following day with her boyfriend so wont see dsd for 3 weeks. She has now asked to have dsd on mothers day as 'she'll miss her so much'. I am fuming, I have planned a lovely family day which celebrates both dhs big birthday and mothers day with in laws.

Dsd said she isnt really interested in spending time with her mum as she has been feeling pushed out by the new bf. I know I might be ranty and unreasonable but if she's going to miss her so much then why not go in the holidays and take her too?

Rant over, thanks for reading.

[planeticketplease]

Fairy, you hit the nail in the head perfectly. I couldn't agree more.

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Inga, . For all of you really. What a messy situation. Honestly, let your DH sort it and be proud if yourself for being there for your DSD.

[UnsureOfOutcome]

Blimey! I think you're all BU tbh, OP. I'm a mother and a stepmother. I've had a couple of mothers' days without my DS, because it's been his Dad's weekend, and haven't been at all worried, or stressed out DS or exP about it, because it's only blinking mother's day which is, let's be honest, a manufactured holiday, and I think it;s a bit weird to assign any great significance to it. I'd definitely, personally, think that a big party would trump it.

However - my DSD (8) would definitely feel strongly that she'd want to be with her DM on mother's day, because those sort of things matter very much to her (to DSD that is; she's a traditional old soul), and so of course I would support her in that. And even if DSD wasn't bothered but her mum really was, then I'd support that too, because DSD is HER daughter. Of course you love and care for your DSD; I wouldn't want to be any other sort of SM myself, and my own SM does the same for me. But there is a difference between being a SM and a mum, and I actually think that an important aspect of the role of stepmothering is acknowledging and honouring that difference.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Sorry but maybe a bit of history my ght make my reaction seem slightly less unfair.

[Fairy130389]

Inga, sounds awful. Think I remember this from a previous thread.

I think offering up the Sat sounds like a good compromise. Has she agreed to it?

[Patchouli]

Cor there's a lot of drips happening.

To me it doesn't even matter that it's Mother's day. It's important she be with her mum just because her mum will be away after.

But the fact that it is mother's day just makes it even more so that her mum is doing the right thing to spend time with her. Imagine how sad the girl would be, especially if she's already having feelings of being pushed aside. She is only 9.

[planeticketplease]

OP, I have a very similar situation re what I view as dodgy priorities from BM, who is the NR parent. It is very hard being a SM in this situation, I tend to find you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Good luck finding a compromise, I hope it all works out for you.

[Patchouli]

x-posts, I said about the dripping before I even saw that last post.

[UnsureOfOutcome]

woah, OP, just cross-posted with your last. Criminy. She actually sounds like a horror. That said though, honestly, I still think the best thing you can do for your DSD is to support her relationship with her mother where you can. Realise it's crappy for you and v unfair but as someone upthread said (fairy?) someone needs to be the bigger person, and on past experience it doesn't look like it's going to be DSD's Dm.

Sorry though - jeez, what a mess Good luck with it all

[Greensleeves]

Your recent revelation is very sad, poor little dsd.

For me though it doesn't change the basic principle that as her sm if you want the best for her you should be trying to support her having the best relationships she can with both parents, not just pretending she is your own - she isn't, and it will only cause conflict and she will be the one who pays the emotional price. You are not actually entitled to evaluate the quality of her relationship with her mother and decide that it isn't worth losing time in your, much better, care for. If her mum is so appalling that she shouldn't be spending unsupervised contact with her, then it is for your dh (not you) to take action. If not, then you need to back off and let her parents make the arrangements. Whether or not it ruins YOUR day just isn't the issue. That's kids for you.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Patchoulli, the mum is going away for 2 weeks. Another day isn't going to make that much of a difference. Especially if she drops her off on Sunday.

But it will make a huge difference for her daughter to celebrate with all of her paternal family.

[Fairy130389]

What is dripping?

[Patchouli]

Dione the 9 year old girl knows that her mum won't be going til the next day and that it's Mother's Day.
That day perhaps does make a difference.
Maybe she'll have made something at school/ maybe the OP will have helped her get a gift.

[Fairy130389]

I agree Dione.

Lest we forget that mothers day is a made up holiday, and being drooped off at lunchtime or celecrating the day before is not going to make a huge difference.

[Greensleeves]

OP why do you think your dsd's mother wants her on Mothers' Day? Is she actually going to make a fuss of her and make it special, do you think? Or do you suspect she is just doing it to fuck up your plans, and dsd will have a crap day? Genuine question.

BTW it is really rude to refer to a child's mother as "BM". Lots of mothers find that offensive.

[lunar1]

the poor girl, non of you are prioritising her, you are bickering like children and planting her in the middle. what ever the outcome for mothers day why cant you keep DSD out of it, why are you telling her about the email? this puts horrible pressure on a 9 year old trying to find the right thing to say to each party to keep all the adults in her life happy.

Sort it out as grownups and stop making a 9 year old child have to deal with adult issues and emotions. stop all the tit-for-tat, just because you dont like the way her mum behaves doesn't mean you have to behave badly too.

I have been this child, i still at 32 find it difficult to show my true emotions and instead try to respond to thing how i think im supposed to instead of thinking about how i feel. you never quite get over crap like this.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Judging by her response to DHs offer that she has her on Saturday I think neither actually. It would appear that her DP has to work on the Sunday as they are away the following week so she would be alone. She has declined Saturday as she is busy.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Patchoulli, I'm not saying that she has to miss out on having Mother's Day with her mum. On the contrary, I think this little girl can have both. A lovely Saturday with her mum. Giving her mum her card and a cuppa in bed on Mother's day proper.

Then getting dropped off at the party.

I totally think that OP's DSD should win this time. And it can happen if the adults in her life behave reasonably and with her best interests at heart.

[Lostinsuffolk]

I have a similar experience to OP and now after 3 years of trying to negotiate round it and challenge for what s right for DSCs, my DP emails with a request of a change in contact and when it's declined we file in with all the others. They will be useful one day to show DsD we tried. It's sad but u have to pick ur battles n sometimes be the losers for the sake of calm in the DSCs lives.

When ur DSD gets older she will call the shots. Like others have said its shit being a SM sometimes but don't lose sight of the end goal. A happy child whatever u think may be happening. Hang in there x

[notallytuts]

Also, imagine the reverse AIBU...

"AIBU to want my daughter on mothers day when its her dads 40th birthday, his contact weekend, and they have made plans for a big party. I am not willing to give up seeing my DD on fathers day when it is my contact weekend"

But yes, why cant the day be split?

[Fairy130389]

allfor
That was really, really out of line.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Allfor WTF?

[Pantah630]

Allfor have you been reading a different thread to me?

OP I'd try and ignore that if you can.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

There is a parent behaving selfishly in this scenario and it's not the op.