so DSD's Mum is off on her holiday but

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

She wants her on Mothers day which is also DHs 40th birthday. Her mum is going on a 2 week trip to the Caribbean the following day with her boyfriend so wont see dsd for 3 weeks. She has now asked to have dsd on mothers day as 'she'll miss her so much'. I am fuming, I have planned a lovely family day which celebrates both dhs big birthday and mothers day with in laws.

Dsd said she isnt really interested in spending time with her mum as she has been feeling pushed out by the new bf. I know I might be ranty and unreasonable but if she's going to miss her so much then why not go in the holidays and take her too?

Rant over, thanks for reading.

[allnewtaketwo]

Dione who said I identify with your post? Of course anyone can be bitter, but what reason dies one SM have to be bitter towards another SM that they don't know from Adam? On this board, step-mothers are most often very understanding and empathetic of an OP's point if view. I usually am. Both not when an OP displays ownership issues of a child, eg seeing spending mothers day with her stepchild as being important to the SM's mothers day, or blurring the line between parent and step parent, which the OP has. Or playing tit for tat with another adult over a child. Nothing to do with bitter, I just thing that's plain wrong

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I think going on holiday without child is reasonable. I'm just wondering how she went about it. It sounds like she wants the kid sometimes and not other times and expects the dad to just obey her whims.

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

I am a stepmum to now older stepchildren (late teens/ early twenties) and I am so grateful we never had any of this game playing.

The stark fact is that when you are a 'blended' family, sometimes mothers/ Father's Day, important family occasions, weddings, holidays etc will clash. They just will.
How it is dealt with is important. A large family celebration where other people are attending does take precedence IMO, & the mum could have her daughter the day before for Mother's Day celebrations.

It really, really shouldn't be so complicated.

[allnewtaketwo]

Why was the celebration for a grown mans birthday arranged for mothers day? Surely the actual party could have been arranged for another day

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

I agree with you Allnew, except that the OP's DH is the child's parent and it is his birthday.

[Arisbottle]

I am a stepmother and have never made plans for my stepson on that day without consulting his actual mother and would certainly never plan something that excluded her on Mother's Day.

YABVU

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Only the OP can answer that one Allnew, but I arranged a family party recently ages in advance. I only look at the actual Mother's Day date when the cards go out. But I am very disorganised!

[Follyfoot]

I'm a stepmother. The DSD should see her Mother on Mothers Day. DH had pretty limited access to his DCs when they were younger but if Mothers Day ever fell on his weekend he would take them to the shops to buy a present and then take them to their Mum's house to spend time with her. It was the right thing to do. And whatever other difficulties there might be, this should be facilitated (sorry, hate that word but cant think of a better one) by the OP.

Going on holiday with/without the child and how the child might feel about that is a separate issue and shouldnt blur this one.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Agree folly foot, but op said she wouldn't accommodate them for fathers day.
I guess it's time to 'do the right thing'

[allnewtaketwo]

OP do you have any children of your own?

[Follyfoot]

Agreed Thisis. Sometimes - and its hard I know - you do have to do the right thing whether or not it would be reciprocated.

[Greensleeves]

You are being illogical OP. You feel such sympathy for your dsd not being put first/valued by her mother, and yet you refuse to support her in spending Mothers' Day with her? Surely if her mother wants to have her on this day and spend it as a special day with her, you would be falling over yourself to facilitate it

Your posts are very judgemental and give the impression of you marshalling evidence against your dsd's mother in an attempt to show that she doesn't deserve her daughter as much as you do. This is irrelevant. She's her mother, you're her stepmother.

If you don't grow up and change your approach to this, you will end up with a very confused and insecure child with divided loyalties she is too young to manage, who is forced to learn to be manipulative to keep everybody happy and feels guilty and miserable. If you love her as much as you say you do, stop this behaviour now.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Allnew, I commented on the bitterness on this thread. You then asked what reason you would have to be bitter. You identified with the "bitterness" mentioned in my post.

Also I think you are missing the point spectacularly. The OP is not claiming ownership of DSD on Mothers Day. She is upset because the child will be missing a big family occasion, arranged during the dads allocated time because the mum has changed the rules to suit herself. As the OP says, they do not get DSD on Fathers Day if it is the mums time to have her.

[IceBergJam]

Can DSD not see the mother on Saturday?

I think a large family party and a 40th celebration , which happens rarely takes precedent over mothers day.

Also sounds like DSDs grandparents, aunts and uncles and brother will be there? Surely she will feel more excluded by not attending that?

I would have no idea when mothers day is, and if I had arranged a celebration or holiday during that time, DSSs mother would have been fine. Ditto for fathers day and her arrangements.

[allnewtaketwo]

No, I didn't identify. Bit given you didn't specify who you meant, a d I actually didn't see any bitterness, and I cannot talk on behalf if other posters, then I answered from my own point of view, as one if many posters who disagreed with the OP. Nothing at all to do with identifying with your post

[Arisbottle]

Why didn't you plan the party for the Saturday?

[allnewtaketwo]

For ownership issues, ref the following posts by OP:

"I know she is not my daughter, but I feel as though she is"

"And what about MY mothers day then?"

[allnewtaketwo]

Also this

"Should her mothers day trump mine?"

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Why can't the mum celebrate Mother's Day a day early? Versus why can't the party happen a day earlier?

I would imagine that the lines of communication are very tense between the two parents if they haven't been able to resolve this amicably.

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

I do whole heartedly agree that the OP appears blurred as to her boundaries in some of her posts. I'm coming at this from the mother & fathers pov.

[allnewtaketwo]

I agree things are tense. So why antagonise further by deliberately arranging a grown mans birthday part on mothers day and then want to refuse to allow the actual mother to see her child. If such tension exists, and a child is clearly struggling emotionally, why makes things worse? Just because you can? Just because she did it first?

[allnewtaketwo]

If the OP has blurred lines of parenthood of the child and tension clearly exists, then I think it's very likely the mother will see that the father/his patent are being deliberately antagonistic. I think there is a lot of history here, reading between the lines. And I'd guess the blurred lined the OP has have a role in this

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Goodness knows, unless the OP assumed that as it was 'their' weekend all would be well. Sounds six of one, half a dozen of the other to me. A real shame for the DD.

Again, I'm bloody glad DH & his ex didn't have all this. I'm not sure I could have stood it.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

The party/mothers day fell on their weekend - in the past the mum has not been flexible with wkends such as fathers day.
Op must be wondering why they are expected to be flexible, but the mum is not. It's a fair question.

[LtEveDallas]

unless the OP assumed that as it was 'their' weekend all would be well

Indeed, and as far as OP knows, mum doesn't think Mother's or Father's Day are important, seeing as she won't change weekends for Father Day reasons.