so DSD's Mum is off on her holiday but

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

She wants her on Mothers day which is also DHs 40th birthday. Her mum is going on a 2 week trip to the Caribbean the following day with her boyfriend so wont see dsd for 3 weeks. She has now asked to have dsd on mothers day as 'she'll miss her so much'. I am fuming, I have planned a lovely family day which celebrates both dhs big birthday and mothers day with in laws.

Dsd said she isnt really interested in spending time with her mum as she has been feeling pushed out by the new bf. I know I might be ranty and unreasonable but if she's going to miss her so much then why not go in the holidays and take her too?

Rant over, thanks for reading.

[allnewtaketwo]

Yes it's a fair question, but it's not really got anything to do with what's fair for the adults. There's a child here who is clearly having issues, maybe feeling pushed out or maybe feeling split loyalties and also feeds g off animosity from the OP side about how her many is parenting her. Ensuring that child feels loved by her mother, and encouraged to spend time with her, is far more important than all thus "yes but no but yes but" about what is fair for the OP/ her DH

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Oh I agree, all new, so what would be nice in that situation would be if the mum said, 'hey dd, daddy's having a big party on that Sunday with all the family, grandparents I'm sure you'll really enjoy that - so shall we have a special mothers day on Saturday instead?

I don't think she's going to do that tho, is she.

[allnewtaketwo]

The OP can't influence the mother though, so no point focusing on that. However the OP and her DH have total control over their own behaviour. And playing tit for tat with the child's mother is not in the child's best interest.

And neither is blurring the line between the role of SM and that of mother. It is most likely that these blurred lined have contributed significantly to the level of antagonism clearly apparent

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Ok to answer a few questions. Yes I have 3 biological dc. When I referred to MY mothers day I meant why should it be spent driving dsd around rather than relaxing and enjoying it, ditto DHs big birthday. We have arranged an afternoon party for us and DHs family some of whom are travelling with small dc from.the other side of the country.

[SPsFanjoTheBigStickyHaribo]

I really dont see the issue about her step daughters mum going on holiday with out her. My mum used to go every year for 2 week to Spain or somewhere with her friends and leave us with my dad.

Or we would go to Ireland for a few week in the holidays while mums and dad stayed at home. Whats the issue really ? I've been away from my son for a holiday.

Its mothers day so the mother should spend it with her daughter but only if the dad gets fathers day. Or spilt the day.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

I would suggest that we all parent in different ways and step parenting is no exception. I couldn't be dsd stepmum in any other way than I have. I love her as much as my bio dc and treat her exactly the same when she is with us. When she is away I miss her and worry about her.

I can't believe I'm being criticised for caring too much.

[allnewtaketwo]

Don't twist my words OP. no one has criticised you for caring, don't be so silly

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

That's lovely Ms but don't forget she has a mum and didn't it occur to your Dh that maybe she might her daughter for Mother's Day, maybe if you did then she would reciprocate for Father's Day? We always check with dss mum if we are arranging something like that, and she does us, saves upset all around especially for dss. I'm not getting the angst about the mother going away either tbh.

[Greensleeves]

Certainly not for caring too much. For failing to establish and maintain appropriate personal boundaries and not putting dsd first, which is what you are accusing her mother of doing.

If YOU were putting dsd first, given that you have posted how miserable it makes her not to be emotionally close and prioritised by her mother, you would be helping to ensure that she gets that special day with her, instead of complaining "it's not fair" on your own account.

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Missing, I'm certainly not criticising you for caring too much. I love my step sons more than I could ever have imagined when I first met them . I think that your earlier posts gave an impression of you feeling as important to your dsd as her own mother.

I feel for you, honestly and personally I'm pretty sure that we would have had the children for DH' big birthday and he certainly wouldn't have made any kind of fuss of the situation was reversed. But as you say every family is different. I've been thinking of a time when my step children didn't see their mum in Mother's Day. We were at a family wedding 200 miles away and we stayed overnight. They were back to her in the evening with cards, flowers etc. It was such a non issue, and for genuine reasons that's exactly how it should be.

I do hope you sort it with minimum upset.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Did it occur to you that the reason we are so close is because her mum is failing to prioritise her? How the heck can you have personal boundaries when it comes to a child who you have full time care of for half her life since she was 3? I am fully aware that she has a mother of her own but I don't see that it stops me from mothering her too.

[Viviennemary]

Of course the child should see her Mother on Mother's day. Whatever else is the day for. You aren't the child's mother. I can't see any logic in what you are saying.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

DSD does come first, it is 'our' weekend hence we didn't see it being a problem going on previous experience from her mum not swapping weekends or days for this sort of thing.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I feel for you, Inga.

If the mother was putting her DD first, she wouldn't have a problem with her spending the day with family for her Dad's 40th.

Being a stepmother can be very difficult.

[Greensleeves]

But she isn't your daughter OP! Of course you love her. That isn't the problem. The problem is that YOU haven't realised that a stepmother-stepchild relationship is not the same as a mother-child relationship, and it is YOUR responsibility for managing that relationship and observing boundaries. You are going to make your dsd confused and emotionally conflicted.

You haven't adopted her, her mother isn't dead or absent and has regular contact. Therefore whether or not you judge their relationship to be up to your standards of closeness/quality, unless the mother is abusive or actually unfit (in which case your dh would need to act legally) you cannot be her mother, you have a different role, she has a different status and you are doing nobody any favours by failing to respect this. If you love her, stop stirring and being selfish and support her in having the best possible relationship with both of her parents.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

(DH's birthday is also often mother's day. It's a right pain.)

[Greensleeves]

Being a child can also be very difficult. It's the responsibility of the adults who love her to keep that difficulty to a minimum by not behaving like children themselves.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Yes and the child has been expecting to celebrate her Dads birthday party on the regular weekend trip to Dads.
But the mum has suddenly said, "I'll miss you too much."
This is not fair for the child.

I'm sure Inga will go along with whatever the mum and dad decide, but I can imagine its tough.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP I can see why you, your DH and your DSD are upset by this. Your DSD will miss out on seeing her extended family and her dad's birthday. And you will feel her absence on the day.

It's a real pity that DSD's mum isn't being reasonable, but I don't see that you can do much about.

[Fairy130389]

Sorry, I think I am misunderstanding this...
In terms of 'special days' fathers day is never acknowledged as priority if it's mums weekend.

DH turns 40 (which by the way is not something you arrange, it's the same day every year).
A big party has been organised on his birthday.

Mum comes dashing in at last moment and pulls out the mothers day card?!
And OP is unreasonable for being upset by this?!

Come on now.

Personally I would think that the best solution to keep things pleasant and ensure that DSD gets to enjoy both celebrations is that she stays with mum on sat night so she can wake up, get her breakfast in bed blah blah blah, then mum can drop her with you for lunch and party.

Compromise, because someone needs to be the bigger person, and I don't think it will be ex.

I do feel for you though

I'm sure I will be shot down in flames but actually, as somebody who is bringing up her DSD while her mother flounces around doing and paying nothing, seeing her once a fortnight (if she feels like it, usually she doesn't) but expects us to drop all plans when she does remember that she has a child, I do actually get upset that giving birth trumps all.
(realise that's off topic, but I understand the frustration of plan changers)

[Greensleeves]

Fairy OP hasn't shown that her dsd's mother is anything like that at all. She's gone on holiday, she hasn't dumped the child in an orphanage and gone off to join the circus.

[Fairy130389]

I'm not disputing that.
I don't think it is unreasonable for her mother to want to go on holiday.
I think it's unreasonable for her to demand that she has her daughter on her dads birthday (and contact weekend) just because clintons have made up a holiday, when she has not extended the same courtesy to dad in the past.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Greensleeves I feel we must agree to disagree on the step parent/step child relationship dynamic.

We have offered for her mum to have her all day on the Saturday instead.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Exactly Fairy. except for the flouncy mum scenario, which tbh, isn't the OP's experience

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Ok previous issues c&p from one of my previous threads for context

In isolation I agree Greensleeves.

Since I have been around (6 years) she has been to Barbados alone for 2 weeks giving 3 days notice.

Threatened to leave her in France for a month with a distant relative (in DSDs earshot) if we didn't cancel our holiday so she could go away for a weekend with her previous bf.

Called us on many Friday afternoons saying we needed to collect DSD from nursery/school as she had to go away for the weekend.

Moved 2 partners in whilst DSD was with us so DSD returned from our place to find them in situ with no prior notice it was happening.

Called DH every name under the sun in front of DSD, including screaming in her face that 'your daddy is a fucking idiotic cunt'.

Went to India for 2 weeks with very little notice for DSD or us this year.

It's a horrible pattern which DSD seems to be getting acutely aware of. Putting either herself or her partners ahead of DSD.