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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Children Sharing Bedrooms - help??!

28 replies

zazas · 18/04/2006 14:47

Just need opinions here..... we are going to buy a new house as we have outgrown our existing one. It is to house me, DP and my DD and DS full time and DP's DS and DD on a one night a week / every second weekend basis. We are looking at 4 bedrooms and I feel that my two will have own rooms and step kids share when they stay.... DP not so sure as his DS wants his own room like he does at BM's but so do my kids want their own rooms! I get emotional about this (shouldn't but do!) but believe that since my DD and DS live here all the time they should get first choice of rooms in my opinion. Probably not really relevant but it is my house that we are selling to finance this move.

OP posts:

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spacecadet · 18/04/2006 14:51

your children should have first priority imo as they do live there all the time, however, how old are dsc? if they are teens, then its not really appropriate for them to share, however, if they are younger, then sharing for 2 nights a month is not going to do them any harm at all, my poor dd doesnt have a bedroom at her dads and has to sleep in the living room.

spacecadet · 18/04/2006 14:52

oopps read that as one night every other weekend, still wont do them any harm to share if they are young enough to.

Original poster

zazas · 18/04/2006 14:57

Thanks SC - it is what I also believe that mine should have priority (it is just the reality of the situation - not favouritism) but DP finds that difficult to deal with. His kids are DS6 and DD5 and share a room with my DD 8 at the moment - so it is not an age problem at this stage. I think that he just wants to make every thing perfect for his kids in our new house - a guilt thing!

OP posts:

Auntymandy · 18/04/2006 14:58

my children dont have a room at their dads. he moved in with someone and they sleep where there is a bed!!!!!
Sometimes not a clean one!!!
They go every other weekend friday to sunday and are 15,13 and 11.
It doesnt stop them wanting to go, but they want a sleeping bag each!!!!

secur · 18/04/2006 14:58

As below - I think if they are teenagers they shouldn't share, I also agree that your two who are full time occupants should have their own rooms, could you not give the largest room to the two sharers and then split the room using a stud wall or wardrobes etc?

A wall with a window along the top would do the job and allow light through - although one room would be a walk through at least they would have privacy of a sort?

Or, how about making the dining room an extra occasional bedroom using a sofa bed and giving the child who uses it there own space somewhere else for clothes etc?

Or, finally, tell your DP that if he wants them to have their own rooms he will have to find a 5 bed house you can afford.

Auntymandy · 18/04/2006 14:58

eldest often ends up on sofa!

dejags · 18/04/2006 15:01

Couldn't your stepchildren just have a pullout bed in the most age appropriate room of the house i.e. your DD has her permanent room with a pull out bed for the most appropriately aged step-sibling. That way there is a sense that for 90% of the time they can have their own rooms and equally your step-children won't feel as if they have been left out.

After all it's only one night a week and you are family.

NotActuallyAMum · 18/04/2006 15:02

Agree with everyone else - your children should take priority. Think secur's idea of giving your DPs children the biggest room is a good one though, if this is practical

And I think it is relevant that you're financing the move

muma3 · 18/04/2006 15:03

dsc should share and your own children should have own rooms.
dsc have own rooms at bm's as they live there , your children will be living with you so same rule should apply ?

good luck

HappyMumof2 · 18/04/2006 15:03

I agree with the pull out bed suggestion.

One room for the girls, another for the boys but your two would have their own rooms 6 nights of the week

HappyMumof2 · 18/04/2006 15:04

or step children in biggest room - your two have the smaller rooms

Auntymandy · 18/04/2006 15:05

id you say 4 bedrooms?
Well you have a spare. They can have that!

spacecadet · 18/04/2006 15:08

they are only little then, so sharing shouldnt be a problem, make the bedroom special for them, get them involved in the decorating of it etc so it feels like their room when they come to stay.

tarantuless · 18/04/2006 15:12

1 room for the girls and one for the boys and a playroom???? Just a thought.

Though I cant see the problem with the step children sharing tbh as they are still young. I know its not what they want but could be worse. Dss didnt have a room at ours for a while when he was younger as we couldnt afford a 2 bed flat and now he has to share with his little sister when he is round which is not ideal at all but there is not much we can do about it as we cant afford to move.

Auntymandy · 18/04/2006 15:13

when we go away my dd and ds share. 11 and 13. They like it!
So the odd weekend doesnt harm!

Original poster

zazas · 18/04/2006 15:18

Dejags - with a 4 bedroom house step kids will definitely have their own room with all their things in it and it most likely will be the biggest room. At the moment they share half my daughters room - own set of drawers / shelves / toy boxes etc. which works OK. I think the issue is more DP's need to create a perfect enviroment for his kids as a subsitute for not being with them 100% and living with mine instead. Secur - I think the idea of if he wants those 5 bedrooms - then he can provide - it might just do the trick - it is amazing how practical he can get when he is faced with the reality of money!

OP posts:

Original poster

zazas · 18/04/2006 15:23

Although DSS has mentioned he wants his own room - it is his Dad that has jumped on it. Our kids get on great and love sharing with each other most of the time - like the idea of a playroom though - or maybe for that 5th child if we ever get around to doing something crazy like that. Does anyone else have a DP that will bend iron to please his kids even if it is out of proportion to what they actually need?

OP posts:

Caligula · 18/04/2006 15:24

I think when they're teenagers it's won't be appropriate to make different sex children share a room, but that's a bridge you don't need to cross just yet. It won't do you any harm to think about how you'll approach it now though.

Why can't one of the step-children just share in with one of your two when they stay and take it in turns? Why should they always be the ones made to share when they stay with you? I think it's a wee bit dodgy because it sets up a them and us kids situation when they come to stay and also tells the step children that it's not really their home as well. And I would want to avoid that at all costs - the fewer sources of friction the better.

Caligula · 18/04/2006 15:28

Or the alternative is that you could ask them how they want to organise it so that they can't complain later. The only problem with giving 4 children a choice though, is that you'll never get a decision all 4 of them agree with and will abide by!

Original poster

zazas · 18/04/2006 15:35

I know Caligula I don't want a 'mine vs his' kids situation and we seem to avoid this pretty well but I also think that there is no point pretending that there is not a difference between their home at their BM's and their home at their Dad's. It goes without saying that it is their 'home' too and I know they feel this - they love being with us but it is not their main residence so it will be different and the difference is only based on logistics / available space really - in a perfect world we would have a 6 bedroom house!

OP posts:

Caligula · 18/04/2006 15:39

I do feel for you. Trying to get 2 kids to agree on who has which bedroom (which one has the small one) is bad enough in my house. Good luck with however you organise it. Thinking about it, asking them their opinion is probably a crap idea!

roo28 · 18/04/2006 20:40

hey zazas just a wee word in support - this kind of thing is always difficult as it involves making a visual 'choice' - 'my kids' in their 'own' room and 'your' kids to share etc.

i have been in this situation also - as both a sp and sd. for me the thing is not to over think things too much and get caught up in too much 'everything must be the same'. it is not bad for children to understand that there is difference and that different isn't always bad. Trying to make everything the smae all the time when there is such an obvious difference is non-productive...children will see through this - be relaxed adn honast in all situations.

my dss sleeps in the livingroom when he is here - he chose this and we have made it into a wee bedroom come media centre for him (he is 9 and loves this).

he has his own room at his mums and when his step siblings come to stay they dont have their own rooms.

i know everyone who has divorced parents has different experiences so i am speaking SOLELY for myself when i say that things like where i slept at my dads and if it was clean etc was never important as i never thought about things like this as a child. i was very lucky to have a strong mother and understtod that my home was with her and that i visited dad.

my dp and i agree that due to the needs of our dss (i have a dsd also) it is important that he understands that he has a home and permenant base with his mother (rountine and security and vital for him) but that whenever and wherever dad and i are - he will also be 'home' and have a place in our house.

hope this is helpful...

roo28 · 19/04/2006 08:19

on re-read should have mentioned that we are lucky enough to have two livingrooms. i was also nervous incase dss queried why everyone else had their own 'bedrooms' but quickly realsied that he was happy as he has the 'biggest' room in whole house which at nine he will equate to being the best.
it is a multi-functional room but when he is staying it is exclusively his.

anniemac · 19/04/2006 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roo28 · 19/04/2006 16:44

i agree anniemac - there is nothing wrong with sharing infact kids often enjoy it, its just that as adults we wouldn't want to share i suppose but kids dont think like grown-ups...thank goodness :)

Think it is a terrible shame that you have been slagged off for spending too money on a flat to accommodate ALL of your children - step or otherwise...isn't it natural to want to provide the best for your kids and if that is a house suitable and big enough for them all and you can well i say that's great!!! Ignore those comments as i am sure you do... you sound like a fabby sp :)

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