Some advice about contact please....

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Hello. I'm hoping someone here may have been in a similar position as we are and can perhaps help or give some advice in general.

I have 2 dsc, they are both young (3 and 5). They live with my partner and I 50% of the time and with their mum the other 50% of the time.

My partner is currently having a few problems negotiating contact arrangements with their mum. Basically they have agreed that the minimum number of handovers as possible is best for everyone, as there have been problems at handover time previously. Plus we don't live that close to each other so daily handovers would be difficult for them both. They have agreed the children will stay with each of us for a week at a time and this is already happening.

My partner and I think the children are still too young to not see their mum or dad for 8 days at a time as a permanent setup. They get really upset on handover days because they miss the other parent during that time. Their mum has agreed with this. My partner has proposed that they spend one midweek night overnight with the other parent the weeks they are not with them (hope that makes sense) so they only ever go 3/4 days at a time without seeing their mum or dad. However, due to her new work rota which she has recently had put in place as flexible working she works long hours most days the weeks they are with us and much fewer hours the weeks they are with her. She has said because of this she cannot have them for a midweek overnight the weeks they are with us. My partner has offered to be flexible and help facilitate it for her and change her day each time around her days off or even if she can't do it every week just some, but she has said for that reason she will not be agreeing to the children staying with us a midweek overnight as it's not "fair". Meaning it would not be exactly 50/50.

My partner has written to her and explained it is what is best for the children that counts not what is best or "fair" for the adults. She has said her decision is final and will not discuss it further. :(

So, do any of you fellow stepmums here (or other people on this forum) have any advice?

My partner is considering applying to court regarding this, something we can't really afford if we can avoid it. There is currently no court order at all regarding residency of the children, they have tried to keep away from courts and made informal arrangements until now. However, he strongly feels it would be better for the children and she won't accept that. Does anyone have experience of family court practices? Could he apply to court for this (specific issue order could be what he needs from what we have looked up online) despite there being no current residency order? Or if he applies to court for this issue will the court/Cafcass want to bring about a full residency case? He and dsc mum both agree 50/50 with each parent (roughly) is best for the children so neither would try and go for sole residency or a much greater share of time than they currently have, it's just this one night per fortnight.

Any advice greatly received x

[millie30]

I think that putting CB in a trust fund is a luxury your DP can't afford if he feels the need to get the CSA involved. Why doesn't he just use the CB for the expenses that it is designed for?

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

When children have two homes then who gets the CB is based on criteria like who pays for clothes, uniforms, haircuts and pocket money, who's address is their primary address (doctors, school, preschool) etc.

So, your DP has the CB on the basis of the above criteria i.e. he buys these things, yet is pursuing maintenance in a 50/50 split care set up for clothes, uniform, shoes etc. as he wants his ex to contribute towards these things? He receives however much CB is for 2 kids, chooses to put that money in a trust fund, and then pursues his ex, in a 50/50 split care set up, for the 'small amount of maintenance', and thinks this is in those kids' best interests?

FFS, this 'D'P of yours is a charmer isn't he?

[SnowWhiteWinter]

bunchy ... Dp and his EX BOTH agreed CB would go into trust funds.

DP EX agreed to split all costs for the children 50/50 then decided she'd rather not.. She has never "said" this or anything about CB or money etc. She just ignored anything he says about money. I packed the eldest new uniform I had gone out and bought, washed, ironed and put name labels in, she has accepted it but will never mention it.

He is going to email her later and ask her agreement about stopping the CB going into trust funds and him using CB to pay for all the children's things and clubs and cancelling the CSA claim - and we will see what she says.

[DinosaursOnAnAdventCalender]

I thought you had to be earning over £50,000 a year to not get the full amount of child tax credits and then a reduced amount for salaries over that, so you must be on very good money to not qualify for any at all. (I'm not sure if this is correct though)

Your dp gets the child benefit and therefor gets to have his address as the primary address for the children. So everything (doctors, pre-school etc) is based where you live. Does the mother have to drive an hour there and back twice a day to take her child to school when she has them?

Why did your DP end up with the children for such a lot of the time when they split? Why did they split?

If you don't need the child benefit you should really transfer it back - she probably doesn't see why she should be buying uniforms etc when her ex gets extra money to pay for it (its not her fault it just goes into a trust fund) She seems to be paying all her rent, bills, food, everything out of her single salary with no help and no recognition as a parent.

Your DP sounds quite controlling although I can't put my finger on why I feel like that. I would be very careful though if you ever had a child with him and then split up.

[allnewtaketwo]

So he's willing to go along with what she said about the CB money (how long ago?), but involving a government agency with respect to replacing it?

[allnewtaketwo]

They both sound controlling and actually very well suited. How convenient for him to find himself a fully funded SAHP for his children, so willing to replace their mother.

I really feel sorry for the childrens' mother.

[millie30]

Agree with allnewtaketwo. Contacting the CSA is far more provocative and likely to cause conflict than simply explaining to his ex months ago that the trust fund arrangement is no longer feasible.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Snow I remember that feeling of righteous indignation only too well; it's so easy to fall into when a DC's other parent (in my case, DP's ex and my exH) has such a opposing approach to parenting than you do. It was me and my DP against the world for the good of the DC's.
It is only with experience, talking to others in similar situations and professional support/training that I have accepted that my DP isn't perfect, neither am I, and that our respective ex's are just as entitled to their opinion and views as we are.
I came across an old legal folder of mine the other day - OMG, some of the emails I sent my ex were totally unreasonable and so superior - but I remember at the time feeling that I was totally justified!

We all do the best that we can. That doesn't mean we always agree - but that is when parents have to negotiate and compromise in order to do their best for the DC's - even if we feel that our own position is so obviously right (such as your DP's ex paying towards her DCs clothing) that compromise sticks in our throat.
As step-parents, we have to sit on the sidelines and accept that it is not our role or responsibility to get involved in those negotiations.

[NotaDisneyMum]

It's hard to remember I am not responsible for them.

Remember it. Really, remember it. If you need counselling, workshops, CBT, hypnosis, whatever it takes, change your mindset so this becomes your reality.

Every second you do not - you are inadvertently and silently contributing to your DSC's emotional distress.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I thought you had to be earning over £50,000 a year to not get the full amount of child tax credits and then a reduced amount for salaries over that, so you must be on very good money to not qualify for any at all. (I'm not sure if this is correct though)

This changed in April of this year to about £26,000 I think, so not that surprising that a household with a F/T earning professional is over the limit. (A lot of professional single parents were also affected).

[allnewtaketwo]

Although I think OP said that neither her DP or her ex had ever received tax credits. Which again makes me doubt the "very small amount" of csa he was chasing her for

[MissKeithLemon]

Wait til OP's generous maintenance stops and see how charming he is then eh?

OP it seriously sounds like the dsc's mum may have had a bellyfull of your partners controlling, manipulative ways and has decided to not bow down to his wishes anymore. Hence the 50-50 'agreement' a few months ago etc.

Its like reading a script but one written from the perspective of the next victim partner who hasn't yet realised

[OptimisticPessimist]

This changed in April of this year to about £26,000 I think, so not that surprising that a household with a F/T earning professional is over the limit. (A lot of professional single parents were also affected).

It depends how many children there are - the OP's household is claiming for 4 children so at £40,000 they'd still get £40pw, this would be gone by about £45,000.

[allnewtaketwo]

So if say he earns £45k, and apparently the ex earns the same, then the csa monthly payments would be £311 (taking into account 3/7 reduction for shared care). If she claim is being pursued by deo and the application went in say 4 months ago, she will be hounded for over £1200 by the csa. And yet the child benefit (which he claimed as he was paying day to day expenses) will be sitting in a trust fund.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Dinosaurs, no, dsd's primary school is about halfway between our house and her house, so neither parent does a long drive. Youngest dsd's pre school is near our house, purely because when we applied dsd's mum had no interest in choosing it, didn't want to visit or anything, Dsd's were only staying with their mum one night a week and it wasn't looking likely to change so we enrolled her in a pre-school near us given that it was DP or me taking her there and back every day and dsd's mum never actually did it. I'm not sure the reasons they split are relevant, so long ago now. She told him she needed some space to be herself, so she ended it, walked out and wen ton holiday with a new man she had met. She went to Spain for 2 weeks on holiday with him to "clear her head" and then came back, he was never mentioned again. During that time DP moved out of their rented home and as she had gone to Spain, he took the dsd's with him (but left all of the girl's things in the rented property) and waited for her to return. She got back and asked him to come and take the rest of his stuff and the girl's things, and it went from there really.

My DP is in no way controlling or manipulative, he is always careful to be fair and reasonable- part of the reason he is a bit of a pushover and has so often given in to her last minute changes of contact arrangements due to social events she has planned.

The more I hear it said the more it seems a good solution to cancel the trust funds and use CB rather than chase her for money via the CSA. As I said, DP is going to propose it to her by email and we will see what she says.

[allnewtaketwo]

Why is he so willing to 'propose' about use of CB money and get her approval, but at the same time is happy to involve a government agency to hound her for money? It doesn't make any sense. And sounds controlling. Like 'I'll pretend to engage with you, but punish you if you don't agree"

[sanityseeker75]

I have been quietly reading through this and a thought for me is - what are the contact arrangements for your children to see their dad?

[MissKeithLemon]

Oh Snow I think its fairly safe to say that he is. Your defence of him only confirms that ime.

At best, he removed two small children away from their mother whilst she had a breakdown "cleared her head" and then far too quickly shacked up with another mother for them woman with children.

At best that is.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

She was happy to walk out on her kids, she was happy for my DP and I do do almost everything for them until 6/7 months ago, when she moved in with her new boyfriend and decided now she was ready to assist in looking after her own children. She agreed the 50/50 was a trial as all new for the kids and now it's not working for them she states she refuses to agree to any changes to it as she's changed her work pattern permanently. She agreed to go 50/50 on all costs for the girls but has now decided not to (this was before DP put the CSA claim in of course) The CSA aren't "hounding" her, they've sent a few letters, which she has ignored.

It's not "I'll pretend to engage with you" she ignores almost all communication from DP, which is always and only ever about the DSD's. She never communicates with him about them. "punish you if you don't agree" It's not punishment, paying towards the upkeep of your children isn't a punishment is it?

[SnowWhiteWinter]

MrsKeithLemon. Of course, we often get the same response... there is no way a woman could possibly walk out on her children unless she was mentally unwell. Well, there is ... She left, then she came back and asked him to take the children. She refused to see them for a while, then agreed to one night a week, sometimes two (but then dsd's usually spent at least one night at her parents). We had to drive them to and from her house mostly, she'd often not turn up and we'd rearrange our plans to have the handover the next day, or she'd turn up as late as she liked.

BUt my DP is the bad man, he "removed two small children".

[pinguthepenguin]

Ahhhh how many more times? she IS contributing to their upkeep- for 50% of their lives FFS! And you cannot take the moral highground as someone else pointed out, about why she went on holiday. YOU shacked up with him when the youngest was a small baby, and YOU moved your own kids in with a man they hardly knew

Double standards much? Argggghhh!

[MissKeithLemon]

She might have been told that the only way to rid herself of his control is to not engage with his mindgames Snow.

Like I said, its like reading a script but from your perspective as the new victim partner rather than the dw/dp/ex of a controlling twunt.

You should step back and really look at your life and how much control of it you have handed over.

If your ex withdrew his generous maintenance tomorrow, what would happen? Who suggested that you should 'blend' your families so soon after meeting? Do your children see their dad only when his are with his ex? Why are you doing so much of the running around for the children of such a devoted father?

If finances are all so tickety-boo and no-one wants for anything, then how come we have pages and pages of you defending his finances? Why not concede that money only matters when one or another of the parties doesn't have enough? Why so strenuously deny any wrong doing by pursuing a claim for csa deducted maintenance if there is enough money to go round for everyone?

It all sounds like he has you hook, line & sinker.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

I give up.

[MissKeithLemon]

And now your use of the word we has crept in to the story of how it was when she allegedly abandonned her own children.

[MissKeithLemon]

If you were around soon after they split then you are part of the problem I'm afraid.

May help you to understand the behaviour of his ex more if you could only see that and acknowedge tbh.