Some advice about contact please....

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Hello. I'm hoping someone here may have been in a similar position as we are and can perhaps help or give some advice in general.

I have 2 dsc, they are both young (3 and 5). They live with my partner and I 50% of the time and with their mum the other 50% of the time.

My partner is currently having a few problems negotiating contact arrangements with their mum. Basically they have agreed that the minimum number of handovers as possible is best for everyone, as there have been problems at handover time previously. Plus we don't live that close to each other so daily handovers would be difficult for them both. They have agreed the children will stay with each of us for a week at a time and this is already happening.

My partner and I think the children are still too young to not see their mum or dad for 8 days at a time as a permanent setup. They get really upset on handover days because they miss the other parent during that time. Their mum has agreed with this. My partner has proposed that they spend one midweek night overnight with the other parent the weeks they are not with them (hope that makes sense) so they only ever go 3/4 days at a time without seeing their mum or dad. However, due to her new work rota which she has recently had put in place as flexible working she works long hours most days the weeks they are with us and much fewer hours the weeks they are with her. She has said because of this she cannot have them for a midweek overnight the weeks they are with us. My partner has offered to be flexible and help facilitate it for her and change her day each time around her days off or even if she can't do it every week just some, but she has said for that reason she will not be agreeing to the children staying with us a midweek overnight as it's not "fair". Meaning it would not be exactly 50/50.

My partner has written to her and explained it is what is best for the children that counts not what is best or "fair" for the adults. She has said her decision is final and will not discuss it further. :(

So, do any of you fellow stepmums here (or other people on this forum) have any advice?

My partner is considering applying to court regarding this, something we can't really afford if we can avoid it. There is currently no court order at all regarding residency of the children, they have tried to keep away from courts and made informal arrangements until now. However, he strongly feels it would be better for the children and she won't accept that. Does anyone have experience of family court practices? Could he apply to court for this (specific issue order could be what he needs from what we have looked up online) despite there being no current residency order? Or if he applies to court for this issue will the court/Cafcass want to bring about a full residency case? He and dsc mum both agree 50/50 with each parent (roughly) is best for the children so neither would try and go for sole residency or a much greater share of time than they currently have, it's just this one night per fortnight.

Any advice greatly received x

[SnowWhiteWinter]

I wasn't expecting such a grilling on here! :( i do appreciate all your advice, even advice that says you think I/my Dp are wrong.

[allnewtaketwo]

"My DP and I have done everything we possibly can to encourage and facilitate a relationship between the DSD and her"

It's not for YOU to encourage her to do anything. On the one had you say you've barely seen her, yet on the other you've taken all this effort to encourage her to do this, that or the other.

Your posts are so conflicting that what you say holds no credibility at all.

How did the situation come about whereby you were living with them when the youngest was a baby?

[pinguthepenguin]

How does the baby get to pre-school every day and the older one get to school when there is an hour between you?

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Disney. I know there is no legal definition of "step parent" as such.

I can obviously only go by what the children (small so unreliable) say and what she has said to DP on occasions and what her parents have said to DP. Her Dp doesn't do "dad/step dad" things with the children, doesn't take them places on their own without mum, doesn't cook for them, read them a bedtime story, iron their clothes, do other day-to-day things, he doesn't come to the school or preschool, doesn't ever do the school run etc. I don't know why or if it is his choice or their mums. He is still "mums new boyfriend" rather than step dad if that makes sense. Perhaps I am not wording it very well.

My Dp and I are not married either, but I do consider myself step mum and so do the children due to the relationship I have with them, not the length of time we have been together.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

All new - It takes 5 seconds to hand a child over to someone at the door, many of the times I have seen her have been for 5-10 seconds, we don't talk, she doesn't even look at me.

[allnewtaketwo]

So if you don't talk then how come you've done so much to "encourage" her?

[NotaDisneyMum]

Her Dp doesn't do "dad/step dad" things with the children, doesn't take them places on their own without mum, doesn't cook for them, read them a bedtime story, iron their clothes, do other day-to-day things, he doesn't come to the school or preschool, doesn't ever do the school run etc. I don't know why or if it is his choice or their mums.

I don't do a lot of those things either - because if I did, the DSC's mum would get very upset, and take it out on the DC's, so I avoid creating that unpleasantness for them.

Given the high-conflict nature of your DP relationship with his ex, perhaps her partner is keeping his distance out of consideration for the DC's. Maybe he thinks doing those "Dad-things" would lead to a negative reaction from their Dad.

Bedtime stories, going to school/pre-school etc are activities that many parents consider to be overstepping. You may well be comfortable with your DC's SM doing them, but not everyone is the same, and if you are trying to establish a good co-parenting relationship, sometimes a bit of consideration for the views of the other parent (no matter how unreasonable you think they are being) goes a long way.

I know you don't believe it, but your DSC Mum really is doing what she believes is a good job, and the very best she can. She may not be meeting your standards or expectations of a Mum, but I'm sure the same could be said about many of the parents of the children at your DC's school, or even other MN'ers. The difference is, you can act on your disappointment in their Mum, and affect the lives of your DSC. you may see this as a good thing, but I can assure you, through bitter experience, that in the long term, your endevours to make the DSC's lives better will have the opposite effect.

[allnewtaketwo]

Why are you doing so many of the drop-offs when they're so hostile? This won't be good for the children at all.

And again, why where you living with them with the youngest was a baby. You're quite reluctant to answer this question, but it may well account for a good deal of the hostility here

[Daddelion]

My ex's partner is not my children's step-dad.

That's from my children, he's ex's partner.

[CatchingMockingbirds]

Do you think that one parent should cover all costs for the children if the other decides they don't want to?

Yes I insist she doesn't provide for them, she lets my DP pay for everything for the children, apart from her rent and food in her house, because she has decided that's the way she wants it and I absolutely disagree.

The money thing just seems like one last way she can exercise her right to "choose" to not be responsible for her own children, and frankly, it pisses me right off but I would never say that, I just smile and bite my tongue, over and over again.

Doesn't your ex pay a considerable amount of money in maintenance so you can stay at home and not work? You complain that your DP is paying everything for the children yet your ex pays everything for his children too. Is that your way of exercising your right not to care for your children too? If it's 50/50 care then she cares for her children for the same length of time as your DP cares for the children too, he just pays for extras since he gets the child benefit (but choses to put it in a trust fund and use his own money to cover these extras).

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Why did I do handovers? Because my DP works and often pre-planned handovers wouldn't happen as she wouldn't arrive or turn up late or demand to drop them back early, so I would collect or drop them off so he didn't have to leave work or be late for work to do so. The handovers are not hostile generally if it's just me then we just don't talk, it's normally when it's DP that she becomes very abusive, hence why now almost all handovers are done via school drop off and pick ups or sometimes via her parents if they have had the DSD's stay over for a few days.

Why were we living together when the youngest was a baby? I wasn't reluctant to answer, just missed your question further up. Must be the reason she is so hostile because it obviously means he was cheating on her with me. Not at all. I just happened to meet DP soon after they separated and their youngest was still a baby. We were both in a situation where we needed to move for different reasons and it made sense for us all to move in together. It was very quick, you are correct, much quicker than ideal for most, but it worked well for us and the children too and I think we made the right choice.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Catchingmokingbirds... My EX earns avery good wage and I have always had an agreement by which I am a SAHM and he works and provides financially for the children. He agreed for that to continue once we separated as he also didn't want them in long hours of childcare. That's a choice we both made together. Once they are a bit older I will work full time and he will not pay for everything for them.

[allnewtaketwo]

"we don't talk, she doesn't even look at me" - you think that's not hostile

If you moved in so quickly upon meeting DP that the youngest was still a baby, then you really cannot take the moral highground about putting their emotional needs first.

And again - if you two don't speak, then how do you "encourage" her to do stuff?

[NotaDisneyMum]

snow Do you understand that the right choice, to move in together so soon, may well have resulted in an increase in tension and hostility that is affecting your DSC?

It doesn't mean that your decision was wrong, but you seem reluctant to acknowledge that any of the choices that you and your DP have made could have negative as well as positive consequences. It's OK if things you do sometimes upset people, it's even OK to admit that sometimes, you make mistakes!

Every choice you make will have both positive and negative consequences. You can't avoid it. All you can do is weigh up the benefits and disadvantages of each at the time. But by acknowledging and understanding the disadvantages, you are far more likely to be able to overcome them.

[pinguthepenguin]

Yes quite, it's a bit of a contradiction to bleat about her neglecting their emotional needs when you moved into their lives like that as mere infants. Seriously, can't you see the irony of everything you are posting? Your EX ( not your actual DP!)
supports not only your children but YOU as well, yet you are suddenly principled about making this woman 'pay her way'?

Hahhahahahahahahhahaha

[DinosaursOnAnAdventCalender]

I have 50/50 shared care with my ex husband. We have two children together.

There is no way I would chase him for CSA. He provides everything the boys need whilst they are there. He keeps a roof over their heads, heating, food on the table, petrol costs to and from school, days out, etc etc

I may buy school uniform and shoes - but this is why I have child benefit and child tax credits.

Child benefit is a gateway benefit and has so much power. Looking at schools for my ds1 - it came down to who claimed the child benefit in the event that we couldn't agree.

Why don't you give her half the child benefit and half the child tax credit?

I would be claiming it straight back if I was her.

I would also be making a CSA claim for the time the children spent with me (can she do that without child benefit?)

On paper it seems that I actually have the children 2 nights a year more than exH. Which makes me the main resident parent. Even though exH and I get on fine I wouldn't give up my extra 1% (or whatever it is) as I would feel vulnerable in regards to losing child benefit and the rights that it gives me.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Pingu... Actually both DP and I feel that trying to blend two families would have been much harder if the children were older rather than younger. You of course have your own opinion, which is fair enough but it doesn't mean ours is wrong.

My EX and I have an agreement around our children. I am extremely fortunate that my EX earns a lot and he and I are very amicable and have agreed about our children. What my EX and I agree financially for our children has no relevance to what my DP and his EX agree (or disagree).

Allowing my EX to pay for our children because he can afford it and because we both agree we would like one of us to be a SAHP is not a bad thing.

I don't "bleat" about her neglecting their emotional needs. When I met DP he was struggling to get her to have the children 1 night a week overnight!

[allnewtaketwo]

OP why did you actually post on here? You won't listen to a word anyone says and insist that "My partner and I" are right all the time.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Dinosaurs, thanks for your post and for sharing your situation.

We don't get tax credits. My DP has said he is going to ask her if she agrees for him to use CB for the children's clubs, clothing, uniforms etc and no longer pay it into trust funds, we shall wait and see what she says.

You can only claim via CSA if you have the CB (or so my DP was told). When they agreed 50/50 my DP contacted CB to find out which one of them should have it in their name. Every single one of the "ticky boxes" was ticked by DP and none by her. He didn't just keep it, he made sure to check who it should be with. When children have two homes then who gets the CB is based on criteria like who pays for clothes, uniforms, haircuts and pocket money, who's address is their primary address (doctors, school, preschool) etc.

Plus, even if we he did transfer CB to her, what's to say she would pay for things for them with it or keep it going into their trust funds? Dp might be left still paying for everything and the DSD's not getting their trusts funds increased.

[SnowWhiteWinter]

Allnew...I have taken on board all of the advice, thank you. I never actually asked about money or what is right and wrong about me being a SAHM, although I appreciate an open forum often leads away from the OP. My DP will read this all later and decide what he is going to do later this week as he has a meeting with his solicitor booked.

[Lookingatclouds]

One of the most important things I have learnt from my many years as a stepmum is that you cannot listen to what the children pass on. Some of it will have their interpretation/understanding of it, some of it will be what they think you want to hear. I'm finding it hard to understand how you know so much about her and her motivations, and what goes on at her house when you don't seem to actually speak directly to her.

Why did they split up, and how come he ended up with both children and she barely saw them?

[NotaDisneyMum]

Plus, even if we he did transfer CB to her, what's to say she would pay for things for them with it or keep it going into their trust funds? Dp might be left still paying for everything and the DSD's not getting their trusts funds increased.

I know I've asked this before -but so what? So what if things aren't fair in your opinion?

You have made it clear that neither you, or your DC's are in any way financially impacted by your DP's finances, and that your DP is on a decent wage so it isn't a hardship for him to pay for new things for the Dc's every few weeks.

So what if this gives his ex the control she needs? Surely, the DC's will be happier and more settled when their parents eventually stop bickering. you have such an opportunity to make a difference to your DSC's lives; but to do so, you need to have some hard conversations with your DP, take ihm off the pedestal and recognise that his actions (which you are currently supporting) are contributing to the set of circumstances which are damaging the DC's.

[pinguthepenguin]

I think OP must have a camera in mums house as she is remarkably well informed about mums comings and goings, oh and lets not forget that she has two VERY credible witnesses in her 3 & 5 year old DSC.....

Honestly OP, you've no intention of taking this thread to your DP or taking any of it on board. You cannot see the irony of yourself as a kept woman ( and yes you are a kept woman, however you paint it) seething about the mother of these kids because she owes your DP the price of a coat for the kids.

[allnewtaketwo]

Not just a camera - but a telepathic signal "encouraging" mum all the way.......

[Lookingatclouds]

I'm right with you there NADM.