DP and his ex have a shared residence order that stipulates care on alternate weekends. DSS is 6 and has recently joined a football club, which practices and plays games every Saturday.
DP's ex has indicated that she does not want DP to attend the practice or any games on the Saturdays that DSS is in her care. She thinks it will be "confusing" for him to have both parents there and she does not want him to have to choose between the two . We have tried to reason with her to say that there is no need for DSS to feel like he has to choose - it will remain clear whose care he is in each Saturday, and it will actually show him that both parents are working together to support their child. She doesn't seem to get that point.
Last week it came to a head when DSS asked DP to come watch the game when it wasn't "our" weekend. DP said he would go but then ex emailed DP to say if he didn't confirm he would not go by 6pm the night before, then she wouldn't let DSS play in the game at all. Manipulative, much?!
We emailed her back, calling her out on her manipulative behaviour, but DP agreed he would not go this time, as of course he wanted DSS to be able to play. DP was forced to explain to DSS that he was no longer able to go, and when DSS asked why, he said that "mummy doesn't want me to be there". We have had another email from ex this week indicating that DSS lashed out at ex about her not letting DP go to the game and is now very upset about the whole thing and blaming this all on DP! Can't she see that this could all be prevented if both parents just attended?
DP has asked ex if they can discuss and set some ground rules for attending the children's activities when they are in the care of the other parent, as we are worried this may start happening more frequently. And whilst it may only be weekly practice/games now, what would happen if this were a big cup match or something else very special? We also don't want DSS to think that DP doesn't care or want to attend, but it's difficult to convey what is really happening to a 6 year old without undermining the ex in DSS's eyes, which again, we would like to avoid, if possible.
We have suggested mediation or Relate to try to involve a neutral third party (who will hopefully help ex to see how unreasonable she is being). She hasn't said no yet, but I'm doubtful it will get off the ground.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? What worked for you?