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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is this mean?

43 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 08/09/2012 17:51

Its DSS birthday today, hes 10years old.

He comes every saturday with DSD aged 8.

For DSS birthday we have got him a WII game what he wanted.

DSS likes to take things home to his mums, DH wont let the children take anything home as it doesnt come back and then the children have nothing to play with whilst they are here.

However DSS has asked if he can take the new WII game home so he can play it at his mums. DH again said no.

I think this is abit mean, i think as its their toys, if they want to take it home then they should be allowed to.

FWIW the children arent allowed to bring toys from their mums house to ours.

Do you think DH is being mean by saying they cant take their toys home?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotaDisneyMum · 10/09/2012 21:50

pingu I get what you are saying - but it's damaging either way, isn't it?

As soon as one parent exerts influence over the location of the DCs belongings, the DCs are caught in the middle.

We've had any number of variations on this:
DD has been given a high value gift, and at the time it was given she was asked not to ever bring it with her when she comes here. She no longer considers the item hers - she sees it as her dads that she is allowed to use.
DSD was so scared of her mums reaction if she didn't return home with the same pair of jeans that she hid them in her room when they were period-soiled rather than allow them to be laundered.
Clothing and riding equipment bought by DP for DSD was sold by her mum when DSD took it with her from here and then she was forbidden from bringing the necessary items from her mums house - so preventing her from taking part in her weekly riding club unless she opted out of contact with her Dad
DSS has been told on the phone by his mum to make sure he takes his Christmas presents home with him, because they will be safe at home

We've tried hard to minimise the impact - but sometimes, we just can't win

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 11/09/2012 18:33

NADM i ve bought that book Stepmonster that is recommended often on here, and im on the 2nd chapter and cant really get into it, does it get more interesting?

OP posts:

JRsgirl · 11/09/2012 20:20

We had this with a retainer brace. Dsd wasn't allowed to bring it here because it might get damaged (although school and friends houses ok ) yet things from here were encouraged to be taken home so she could "enjoy them" the result? Dh had to buy a second retainer or dsd wouldn't be able to stay...

It's classic control when done that way they should be allowed to carry things to and fro, especially gifts. But asking the to return with every day things is just practical. We have a small bag that goes back and forth with that day's things in it for my dd.

I can't imagine making her leave her freshly opened Christmas present here

Lots of faces today from me

NotaDisneyMum · 11/09/2012 20:46

IMO yes, but it isn't a self-help book as such, more an insight as to why stepmums lives are like they are

pinguthepenguin · 11/09/2012 21:12

JR- doing this with a child's brace is a disgrace and controlling in the extreme.
NADM- I agree it's damaging both ways. Absolutely. However if communication hasn't completely broken down ( I appreciate it has in your case) then parents shouldn't be engaging in this crap over possessions.

WildWorld2004 · 13/09/2012 09:33

I think both parents are being mean. The children should be able to take things to and from houses. Its either that or two of everything is bought, one for each house.

NotaDisneyMum · 13/09/2012 09:43

wild to whom should the cost of duplicate items fall?

pictish · 13/09/2012 09:46

If it's a gift then it's his, and that's the end of it.
That's what your dh should understand.

I appreciate that he wants the kids to have things to play with at his own house - it makes sense.

But a gift is given. Once you hand it over you no longer have any claim to it. That's the rule.
You are right.

purpleroses · 13/09/2012 09:46

You need duplicate hairbrushes, etc. You don't need duplicate Wii games. I would second the suggestion someone made previously that it's best to keep personal ownership of such items to a minimum, (and allow those to be taken where the DC wants) and then make other ones belong to the household, so that they stay where you can all play with them.

pictish · 13/09/2012 09:50

Oh - and I don't think he's being mean as such - I think he has got caught up in the whole your house-my house arrangement.
If money is spent on toys, and then it disappears to his ex's house never to be seen again, leaving the kids with nothing to play with in his house, then I can appreciate the way his brain is clicking.

But a gift is a gift. He really shouldn't impose his (probably quite sensible) rule on a gift.
Tell him.

Balderdashandpiffle · 13/09/2012 10:00

A gift's a gift.

So your children would be allowed to give them away?

WildWorld2004 · 13/09/2012 10:07

NotaDisneyMum my point about buying duplicate presents was meant to show how ridiculous it is that children cant take things from one house to the other.

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 13/09/2012 10:16

With exH most things are interchangeable between houses, it can be a bit of a pain with clothes sometimes if he picks then up on a Saturday and then I pick up from school - so I don't get a set of day clothes back but then it can work the other way too where he drops them to me on a weekend and picks them up from school so he loses day clothes too. It does always seem that I get scruffier older clothes back though and I am forever having to ask where their new jeans and tops are.

Toothbrushes etc - they have their own at each house.

The issue of toys has never come up, they have tons at each house but I wouldn't like to have bought loads of stuff for Christmas and then have it disappear to their dads never to be seen again. Although, if it's a particularly noisy or messy toy I have been known to suggest they take it to daddies to play with but he does the same to me stupid singing guitars thanks a lot!

Jordanna · 13/09/2012 13:49

No I don't think he is being mean at all. We have the same problem and it's tough but if it's something the kids really like and play with a lot we buy another and let them take that back but not everything as then they would expect that all the time so we are quite strict on this.

Jai

TICKLETUMBLE · 02/10/2012 15:16

It sounds mean, to give a gift and not let them play with it whenever they want, but is really is dependant on whether the gifts see the light of day once they have left your home...and why that might be.

If the children are just forgetful and didn't bring it back, then remind them if they want to play with it they need to bring it with them.

If, on the other hand past experience tells you things will just be 'gone' and they cannot bring it or are not allowed, then you need to make judgements whether to let them take things back with them.

whatthewhatthebleep · 02/10/2012 15:46

my DS has never been allowed to bring anything back from his DF's house...even though the contact has been very minimal with months inbetween any contact and has now been a year since he last saw his DF.
All his playmobile, electric trainset and scelectrix are at his DF's and he has barely ever been able to play with them.
DS has plenty at home of course but it's very difficult for DS to never have his toys and things...he's grown out of most of them now and is unlikely to ever see them again now...DS is 12yrs old and lost any interest in his DF at all now...never even mentions his DF or his toys.
We have had years of this being a horrible situ to deal with for DS..opening birthday and christmas presents and enjoying them for a few hours perhaps and then not seeing them again for months, this has been how it's always been and his DF will never allow him to bring anything home....His DF imo is just pure and simply mean and very cruel but it doesn't surprise me ever...the man is a waste of space and never deserved to be a father.

Some fathers are just pitiful and a disgrace and should never have become parents imo.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 02/10/2012 16:04

I sometimes forbid things going but mainly if I think they will not be returned. I do not buy things for them to stay and be used somewhere else every other weekend at my xh's.

However we have managed to avoid the rigmarole of changing them to be returned etc. they go in clothes from here which are returned (unwashed) with them on Sunday eve in 'the daddy bag' and they come back in clothes from there which I wash and give back in the daddy bag next time they are picked up.

They also take their school bookbags and sometimes toys but they are under instructions that bookbags etc need to come home for school.

I don't think your DH is being mean if he thinks things won't be returned but at 10 you dss should be able to follow an instruction of bringing it back with him next visit?

Waitingforastartofall · 02/10/2012 22:35

I think it depends what it is and the likelihood of it coming back, The odd things they particularly want to bring back and too the rule is that if it gets forgotten next week we wont be going back to get it or buying new ( or we would spend all week schlepping back and too for dvds,moshi monsters ect). but thats the general rule for both houses

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