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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How do you make this work?

39 replies

financialwizard · 05/09/2012 14:48

This probably will be long, so I apologise in advance.

My DS is 11. I have been separated, and finally divorced for 10.5 of those years.

In the meantime I have married and had a daughter (2). My husband has a son from a previous relationship (not married) who is 13. Due to my husbands job we have had to live overseas until very recently. During that time we paid for my DS's travel to see his father, and also for my DSS to travel to us including arranging all pick up and drop off for both of the boys in the UK. I have no problem with this as we were the ones that had to move, and therefore should pay for the travel.

We are now back in the UK, and struggling a bit on deciding what to do with regard to contact. We live approximately 2.5hrs away from both our exes, in different directions. My husband wants to pick up his son every other weekend and see him at ours. My exh wants to see our son once a month and wants me to drive down to his to drop our son off and pick him up again the evening of the next day. We simply cannot afford to do this diesel wise. Also, maybe selfishly, that would mean every weekend (opposing weekends)travelling with our 2 year old daughter who we are still carrying a potty around for in the car in case she needs to go to the toilet.

My parents think that I should tell my exh to get lost and that he can pick our son up on a Friday from mine and drop him off on a Sunday, and even though we agreed to reduce his Child Support to half to cover these costs I know he won't do it, and he'll either let our son down or I'll get a call from our son telling me I have to pick him up from his Dad's.

To add to all of this my husband is due to go away soon for a couple of months with work, and next year will be away for a minimum of six months with work, and I will need to get a job as soon as my daughter starts pre-school so will be working full time. Plus when he is away I will continue to pick up my DSS so he can spend time with his DSis.

I should point out as well that my exh is very inconsistent with contact. He is always promising our DS that he will visit and then doesn't, or turns it around to make us do all the travelling. Eg This weekend he is at a match 40 minutes away. He asked DS if he would like to go. My husband said he would take him as he had his son this weekend and he would take his son to the cinema whilst he waited for ours. Exh called last night and said that the match would not be on longer than 90 minutes and that he had to get off straight away, so now my husband and DSS have to spend a good 90 minutes hanging around because there are no films that will start and finish in that time. There have been many times that he has promised to pick him up/phone him that he has reneged on.

Sorry, turned into a bit of a rant.

What would you recommend?

OP posts:
ProudNeathGirl · 05/09/2012 14:50

Can you meet half way in each direction?

Original poster
financialwizard · 05/09/2012 15:08

I have given him that option and I have said if I drop him off at his house and then he returns him to our house that might work, but he wants all or nothing. His words were 'You have to deliver him to me and pick him up'. I wanted to tell him to get stuffed but am trying very hard to bite my tongue, be civil and think about our son.

OP posts:
ProudNeathGirl · 05/09/2012 15:13

That does seem very unfair. At 13, is the boy old enough to get a bus/train alone, at least some of the way? Is it a complicated journey? It might not be cheaper, but would be a lot less stressful (though actually it might be cheaper as you wouldn't be doing the a return journey twice in one weekend).

ProudNeathGirl · 05/09/2012 15:14

I'd say the 11 year old might be old enough to travel alone too - if the journey wasn't particularly complicated - at least some of the way.

Original poster
financialwizard · 05/09/2012 15:36

If I take him to the nearest main train station it will be a 2.5 hr journey with 2 changes. It might be doable, but he has only ever been on a plane on his own before, so no changes. Might be an option if he is willing. It would be a lot cheaper than driving.

OP posts:
Original poster
financialwizard · 05/09/2012 15:38

Just checked, one of the changes means he would have to go through the London Underground. Not sure I am comfortable with that.

If my husband does a drop off when he picks his boy up we will be looking at a 7 hour round trip :(

OP posts:
ProudNeathGirl · 05/09/2012 15:44

Mmm - public transport may be a longer term option then - though if he's capable, and you took him a few times until he was confident? I'd probably feel the same about the underground, but London kids do it all the time.

I think your ex is being unreasonable, but surely there's a compromise somewhere. If you threatened to send DS on the train alone, would he give in and come and fetch him, at least half way?

Original poster
financialwizard · 05/09/2012 15:59

No. We once had to send him from Germany to UK when I was heavily pregnant over Christmas. He wouldn't even pick him up from the airport which is 10 minutes from his house! I had to get my Dad to pick him up (who lives 90 minutes away) and drive him to his house.

I am feeling a little walked over, which is probably why I am asking.

OP posts:
ProudNeathGirl · 05/09/2012 16:05

I think you're right! Have you tried saying you can't take him - car broken or something? Would he care enough to come and pick boy up? Does DS want to go? Would he be upset at missing a visit?

Original poster
financialwizard · 05/09/2012 16:28

I haven't tried the broken down car excuse or any excuse for that matter yet. I think I am just going to be honest and say that I cannot be the one that does the travelling all the time, and neither can DS. I doubt he would bother coming to pick DS up because frankly he has never bothered before (apart from when we lived in a fixed location no more than 40 minutes down the road, and he had a variation order at the time - now we have a private agreement which is half of that) and expects me to do it all the time. DS is torn between wanting to go and not wanting to go (long story there as well) so whilst he would probably not show it he would secretly be very disappointed.

I do want to do what is best for my DS, but I am struggling in how to make this work, and then how to sell it to the exh!

OP posts:
MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 05/09/2012 16:49

How about he picks him up at the start of the visit and you pick him up at the end?

That way the journey is shared, and in theory you both pick him up and get him to where you want him?

Of course if hes too selfish to pick him up Im not sure what you do Confused

purpleroses · 05/09/2012 17:14

The travelling sounds a lot for anyone to be doing. Maybe you need to look to stickk to something a bit more like you've had up til now, with contact mainly in the holidays, and maybe one weekend in the middle of each half term?

Bottom line is that if neither parent will drive, then the DCs will see their non-resident parent less often.

Agree you should look into public transport though - some 11 -13 year olds would be fine on the underground if you took them through it several time first, or would there be a National Express bus that might go, or an alternative route (maybe a bit longer) that avoided London? Or drive part of the way and then wave them off on a train for the rest of the journey?

But if I was 11 or 13 I'm not sure I'd be wanting to do that every other weekend, it's far too far to keep up other social contacts. It sounds like something more suitable for a regular school holiday trip.

LittleFrieda · 05/09/2012 18:45

Can you say where geographically, so we understand it. You could move to a town nearby and move your ex to a different town. It would help to imagine the difficulty.

Do the other families have other children to consider as well?

Original poster
financialwizard · 06/09/2012 10:01

I have suggested continuing with the school holiday contact (i.e Christmas/Summer Leave/Easter). I also suggested that the exh have DS over half terms as well if he wants to. That was met with a flat no, not good enough.

I looked into National Express, but the website said Children are unable to travel alone under the age of 14 and my concern with regard to the underground is that by the time our DS would be going through it would be rush hour or later at night and I am not sure he is ready for that just yet (or my nerves).

LittleFrieda distance wise we are looking at 127 miles from our door to his. Think Boston, Lincs to Windsor, Berks type distance only without the transport links that they afford. My husbands work has allocated housing which is very very remote, and we cannot change it. The nearest train station is over 40 minutes away, and whilst a relatively large train station for the area does not go straight to the nearest train station to his DS Dad (again through underground at London). I even looked at trains from where my DSS lives because I thought that may go direct into the nearest train station to exh but that would still involve going through the underground.

The nearest airport doesn't fly into Heathrow, or I would have considered that as an option.

Also my husband has to go to Essex to pick my DSS up, so we would be looking at just under a 7 hour round journey to pick DSS up, drop DS off and come home for what will amount to a day because Sunday would be spent doing the reverse, amd in reality we simply cannot afford the diesel at the moment.

In answer to your other question LittleFrieda my husbands ex has a 7 year old daughter, and my exh has 2 children. One of 13, and one of 17. They all live at home. My exh is the only one that has more than one car, so if there were any activities going on for his children there would be a 'free car' and an able driver, not that I am saying it is entirely his responsibility.

I really hope someone can tell me that I am missing something completely obvious because I am going round in circles with it.

On top of all of this DS wants to start Rugby, which is every Saturday, but his DF (exh) doesn't want him to because he won't see him.

I feel like crying!

OP posts:
Original poster
financialwizard · 06/09/2012 10:03

Magic

I have asked him that, and he refused. It has to be half way both times or nothing.

OP posts:
MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 06/09/2012 10:08

I think then the phrase has to be tough. If he wants contact he has to put himself out for it too. You are willing to share the journeys but if he wont meet you halfway.

purpleroses · 06/09/2012 10:14

Your ex cannot command you to drive DS to his every other weekend. If he isn't prepared to do whatever of the travelling you're not prepared to do then he can't see him. I'd present him with whatever options you can manage and be as flexible as possible, but one of the options has to be less frequent contact.

Original poster
financialwizard · 06/09/2012 10:32

I think I will stick with the holiday suggestions. DS wants to do some activities on the weekends (he has been selected to play for a local low level league Rugby team) and see where we go.

I just wanted to see if anyone had any other suggestions. Thank you for helping.

OP posts:
theredhen · 06/09/2012 12:39

Sadly you can't make him be a responsible, living parent. By doing all the running around you are sheltering your child from seeing that. I know it's hard but you will run yourself ragged and who will be there for your child then?

purpleroses · 06/09/2012 12:44

"living parent" Grin (presume you meant "loving"!)

Your D has just had to move country and settle into a new home and school - think I'd be inclined not to push for weekend contact with his dad, as it would give your DS more time to settle in and make friends where he's living.

Babyrabbits · 06/09/2012 12:51

You need to say no. Explain to your son, let him talk to his dad.

If you agee to do half its fair.

wannaBe · 06/09/2012 12:54

I would just say no. If he can refuse then so can you.

Ultimately I totally get that both parents have to do some accommodating when it comes to contact however what he's essentially saying is that he will see his child only if said child is delivered to him. This is not, IMO, showing commitment to his child.

So I would just say to him that you will make arrangements for ds to go to him during the school holidays as has previously been the case. That you are happy for him to have contact on alternate weekends but that he has to at the very minimum do the journey to/from on at least the Friday or the Sunday, otherwise it won't be happening. And leave it at that.

theredhen · 06/09/2012 13:52

Yes "loving" not "living". Blush

Excuse my phone!

Original poster
financialwizard · 06/09/2012 15:45

lol theredhen if he carries on that post might be quite accurare Wink

OP posts:
eslteacher · 06/09/2012 17:35

Do you know what your DS would like? Is he dead keen on seeing his dad more often now that you are back in the UK, even if that means a lot of travelling? Or would he be happy to continue with the current holiday-time arrangement given the length of journey involved?

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