Is detaching really possible?

[Kaluki]

So this week has been our worst ever so far. DSS has been horrible, he's been rude, defiant, downright spoilt. DP can't cope with him at all. He has even discussed him with his ex wife and she is baffled as he is usually the good one at home.
I told DP that I've had it with him. I'm not cooking for him (he refuses to eat meals, just stuffs his face with sweets all day) no more days out with him (everything we do is 'boring') I don't even want to talk to him (he is sulky and bad mannered). I have seen that DP is really trying to discipline him but my God he is hard work. He literally laughs in his face! DP has actually been reduced to tears by it all.
DSD has been lovely and she has been so upset by his behaviour too, I feel like I have made a breakthrough with her and I don't want to undo that.
Can I detach from it all? The way I see it this is my only option other than asking DP to move out which will hurt everyone (my dc included) and I think is what DSS wants!!!
My DC get on well with DSS and would be so upset if I split us all up. Is this just my problem to get over? Is my ideal of us becoming a 'blended family' with the same rules for all the kids just a pipe dream and would I be better off leaving him to it and concentrating on my own kids?

Hi honey. MY DSS has been very similar in the past - unfortunately, one of the very common side effects of divorce is that the children are wildly spoiled by one or both sides of the divided parenthood. Luckily my older DSD (14) was old and grounded enough to escape the effect of it, but my DSS sadly has grown up to be a very spoilt, selfish, rude and arrogant little boy. There are times when I love him, but they are far outweighed by the number of times he grates on my nerves by saying rude comments or expecting hundreds of pounds spent on him every birthday and Christmas.

He has got better as he got older though, the worst was when he was about 6/7. He's 9 now and growing up a bit.

How old are yours, if you don't mind me asking? And I didn't get a feel for how often they see you, do they semi-live with you? How is your DSS with you, is he angry towards you? How long ago was the divorce? It's just possible he is acting out because he feels out of control, and by acting this way he is keeping control over the both of you.

If your DP is genuinely doing his best to discipline DSS, and you feel you?re both on the same page with this, then that would probably make it slightly more bearable (IMO) than a DP who was just sticking his head in the sand regardless of the consequences.

Detaching is OK to a point ? although it does take that patience of saint to smile sweetly and ignore things that scream out to be dealt with. And I?m never convinced that having to suppress so much negativity is actually very healthy.

If you feel that, despite DP?s best efforts, DSS is making your life, and your DC?s life really unbearable, than sadly the only option is to consider living separately. In which case DSS would have ?won?, which is far from ideal.

Only you know what you can tolerate.

I was advised by a Relate counsellor to detach from SS2 when he lived with us due to a wide range of terrible behaviours.

It is not so much supressing your feelings as just acknowledging that he has no emotional power over you. So - if won't eat meal just ignore it (or as you say just refuse to cook for him) - but do not feel it is a judgement on you / cooking / behaviour.

I worked on the idea that as he was so awful (at least I can say that in this bit of MN) I did not want or need his respect or his affection and therefore nothing he did could impact me emotionally.

It worked very well as it:

1. Calmed me down - I was not taking his behaviour personally
2. Confused the hell out of him as he coule no longer 'control' the situation
3. Helped DH as he could pick his battles better if I was not stressed out all the time.

Good luck!

I've 'detached' from my step sons.
They really don't like me&it was causing alot of problems.I tried for over 6 years to form a relationship with them but it wasn't to be
They are now 11&13&have a good relationship with their dad&the detachment works for everyone.
But I agree it is a personal thing&may not suit everyone.

He is 10. His parents split 4 years ago. I've been with DP just 2 and a half years. At his Mums he is the only boy, completely idolised and pampered!!!
We usually have EOW but we have 2 weeks in the summer and a week at Easter and Christmas so I think it's is possible to just detach.
I am tired of banging my head on this. DP knows that DSS is spoilt and he tries to discipline him but what can you do when he laughs in your face because he knows full well that he will go home soon and his mum will spoil him again!!!
My biggest concern is the affect on my dc but they are very mature for their ages (9 and 12) and they see that he is a product of bad parenting!
I think the root of it is that he is not used to being one of three boys, and doesn't like sharing or following rules but what kid does!
I think it's time I backed off and let DP deal with his own mistakes don't you?

How old is SS?
Does SS live with you full-time, part-time (50/50) or at weekends/holidays?
Do you have DC with DP? ... or is it just you have DC's and he has DC's?

If your DC's get on with DP and his DC's, then DP moving out shouldn't be an option. (It will upset lots of people, including you).

As others on here have said, yes, you should detach yourself from SS for a bit ... don't make him meals, etc.

I 'detach' myself from my DP's son at times, and it seems to ease tensions in the house. Me and DP's son tolerate each other, up to a point, which obviously upsets DP, but deep down DP knows me and his son will never be the best of friends, plus I have to take his sons age into consideration (DP's son is only 7).

Similar to what chickensaresafehere said ... I have tried to get on with and form a relationship with his son for 2 -3 years. We get so far 'bonding' then DP's son decides to 'go off on one' at me and things fall apart again, so as I said before, we tolerate each other.

Even now, I know his son will be arriving with DP, at this house for the weekend in approximately 4 or 5 hours time and I'm feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach ... but I will put on my happy face and smile through it, for the sake of his child, in the hope we will have a decent enough weekend ... some weekends are lovely, others are hell on earth, but they balance each other out with a half decent one every now and again.

Hope you can get this sorted without too much upset

Sorry, didn't see your post above mine ... ignore all the questions ... sorry

You say your DP is 'trying to discipline him' but is he, really?

Where is a 10 year old obtaining sweets to gorge on all day? What happens when DSS says that 'he's bored' on family days out? What are the consequences of rude behaviour towards you both?

I am a great supporter of practical disengaging - but only if DP is failing to parent - if he is doing his best (and that includes seeking professional support if he can't cope) then I wouldn't bail on him.

Has your DP spoken to Parentline (or whatever it's called now?) What about finding a local parenting charity who offers classes?

I think he hides sweets about the house. I often find wrappers and don't have a clue where they came from! My dc only have sweets when we are out so we don't really have them indoors so I'm baffled!! It used to do my head in but now I just don't have the energy to police what he is eating!
When he says he is bored we do try to ignore him but he drags the others down with his surly attitude so I have said no more day trips. I would rather take my two out on their own anyway!
I think parenting classes may well be the way to go but I fear that they may be a waste of time because DP knows what he has to do, he just isn't consistent or only is when I'm around!

This week I feel like I'm trying to take on too much responsibility - these are his kids and if he can't parent them then it's up to him to take the consequences!!
I feel the need to back off now and concentrate on my own kids
This is all rather unfair on little DSD who has been an absolute darling this week (although I suspect this is to show DSS up more - she can be a bit of a Perfect Peter at times )

Oh dear ... he's only 10 and acting like that.

You, or at least your DP does have responsibility for him and his care when is with you, so you can't really stop making him meals ... but DP could make his sons meals instead of you.

I also have to ask (as NADM said) ... Who is giving this 10 yo sweets to gorge on?

It doesn't matter if DP's son is 'bored' when out on family days out ... you ALL have to go out on family days, you can't leave him at home, so he will just have to put up with your 'boring' family days out ... otherwise your DP should be disciplining him and giving him appropriate consequences.

You are well within your rights to disengage yourself and allow your DP to take over everything in regards to his son.

Maybe chatting to counsellor or getting more back up from DP's ex might help

Good luck ...

Once again I have posted after you ...

Just take you and your kids and even the SD out for a day out ... leave SS at home with dad (your DP), or let them have their own day out.

Hopefully this one-on-one time with his son might bring a few issues to light ...maybe not

So this is a DP problem, then?

Your DP isn't putting the effort in to ensuring he knows what his DS is eating. Seems perfectly reasonable for you to stop making the effort to cook for him.

Your DP only maintains consistency in parenting when you are around - making you out to be the bad guy - so you've nothing to lose if you live your own life with your DC's and allow him to get on with life with his.

Your DP is likely to refuse parenting classes because he knows what he has to do (despite being reduced to tears by his 10 year old DS).

You and your DP have different goals - you want a blended family; he seems to want an easy life, where you do all the work.

I won't stop feeding him lol - I just won't cook meals for him. I think DP has to face the consequences of his inaction tbh! Let him cook meals for DSS to turn his nose up at - maybe that will make him see how it feels!
I am realising that I can't change things - much as I'd like to so I have to change the way I am reacting if I want to stay with DP. If I stop being annoyed by DSS and let DP carry on his own sweet way then maybe he will learn by his mistakes because he is clearly not learning anything from me
Or I end it and upset 3 children because of one !

Well let DP step up to the plate then ...

Stop cooking SS meals ... let DP deal with feeding him
Stop taking him on days out ... let DP and son have 'daddy/son' time
Stop reacting to his attitude ... just ignore him and pass any problems you have over to DP

If DP doesn't normally actively 'parent', DP will soon get sick of having to deal with his spoilt brat of a son. Hopefully he'll be able, as an adult, to get his son back in line with the rest of the family, otherwise start looking into options such as counselling

That's what I intend to do Witch.
It's got to be worth a go!

I don't know where witch came from!
I meant to say ahoy!!!
Stupid phone

How do ou sot cooking meals for him? Do you not just serve him what everyone is eating?

Personally I'd just serve him meals and he eats it or not. I wouldn't be giving him special treatment by making someone else cook for him. He either eats what he is given or not, that's the only choice IMO and what I would expect my DCs father to be doing.

I'm coming at this from the other side of the fence BTW.

True soup it wouldn't work permanently but for this week it means DP is doing all the cooking!
I am on strike!!
My dc aren't here and I am on a diet so don't be feeling too sorry for him

I'd cook meals with enough for him to eat too, if he won't eat it leave in in a dish for him to microwave later if he changes his mind, and if it's still not touched the next day, pop it in the freezer and you have a ready meal for yourself or someone else next time you want one. Some of my DSC are fussy eaters (as is my DC1) Fortunately they all fuss at different things, so I usually try to focus on all the people who are enjoying the meal, not the one who isn't. Kids can survive perfectly well turning their noses up at a meal from time to time, or only eating part of it.

Agree that if he's filling up on sweets they must come from somewhere - either he's bringing them from mum's or your DP is giving them. Unless he has money and is making his own way to the shops to buy them - but at 10 would have thought you'd be aware of that.

So yesterday I snapped. I'd been 'detaching' and letting it go all week and I actually couldn't keep my mouth shut any more.
We had told them both that if they were good they would each get a toy at the end of the week. DSS was demanding his toy yesterday morning and DP seemed to be wavering on whether he should get it after being obnoxious rude and nasty all week which set DSS off on his usual tirade of whingeing and moaning. I could see how it was going to end (him kicking the furniture and throwing things about in a vile rage as he has done all week) so I shouted at him.
I told him his behaviour had been disgusting all week and he had ruined the week for his sister who had been really good (all true - she has been in tears over his spiteful behaviour towards her) and that he was NOT getting anything. I then took DSD out and bought her the Hello Kitty toy she had been eyeing up all week.
I got back to filthy looks from DSS and an announcement that he had phoned his Mum. I really am the wicked step mother now arent I?

On the plus side DP was 100% behind me and when DSS complained to him he said to him "Kaluki is right - I completely agree with her". Thank God for small mercies eh?
They have gone to their grandparents now for their second week and I'm going on holiday tomorrow with a heavy heart.
This is never going to work out is it?

kaluki sounds like a pretty typical family, to me - I think you are doing great

The fact that your DP backed you is the key - yes, maybe it should have come from him, but you still presented a united front.
I'm not sure what is DSS hoping to achieve by telling you that he has called his mum Regardless of what she may have said to him, she cannot influence what happens in your home, when the DC's are with their Dad, and he may have to learn that one the hard way!

It sounds all good to me -don't be so hard on yourself

I don't think you can say it will never work out. He has, at least, seen a united front this time and needs to learn that bad behaviour won't get him anything.

I've had DS2 phone me from his father's before saying he hates him and wants to come home. I told him to sort it out with his father.

Thanks for the vote of confidence
The ominous silence from the ex wife I think means that she is leaving us to it which is good.
He called from his parents last night and told me his mum has already told DSS off so that's even more of a united front!!!

I did laugh when you called me a witch Kaluki ... I usually only get called that by DP's ex-wife LOL

Anyway, Well done to your DP for actually seeing what was happening and supporting you 100% - Hurrah!!

I think things will work out if both of you continue to show a united front (and even the ex-wife allowing you and DP to 'parent' DC)

Well done Kaluki ... keep your head held high and know it will never be plain sailing, but at least things aren't as bad as they have seemed.