when you have no relationship with sk's and you move in with dp can it work?

[mattysmum09]

been with dp few years he has teenagers 17 and 18 yrs who are over indulged and pandered to.i have written about this previously how i don't like to witness his strange behaviour and so don't tend to spend too much time with them. as we're moving in together i am going to have to spend certain amount of time with them, not sure i can cope with it, does anyone else have any experience of moving in with dp with teenagers? seems so different to kids which some of you step parent and i am past wanting to try to build any kind of relationship with them.I'm worried about how dynamics will be with us all together as i've not spent time with them i suppose they haven't really seen our relationshhip together if you see what i mean, and i find a 17yr old girl wanting to sit practicaly on her father's lap strange to say the least!

knob, do you have advice for the OP?

Here's my advice - if you feel like that about his children, don't move in with him. Life is too short all round.

I'm agreeing with topknob - I've never seen the word pander used so much. I come from a blended family and I just do not recognise these situations.

Never in a million years could I live with someone who didn't like my child and resented every penny I spent on her.

That you live with partners who are happy to do just that, well I really hope things work out for you, or it'll soon be another woman scowling at your child and what gets spent on them. Grim.

I come from a blended family and I just do not recognise these situations.
I don't think every blended family is the same, any more than every biological family. If your blended family has not encountered similar issues, that's great.

I really hope things work out for you, too.

thanks brdgrl and kaluki i agree there are worse things than being on your own with a baby, and in some ways it is easier than if you do move in with a partner, i know this because we already have a one year old together and didn't move in together for various reasons and from my point of view the issues I've mentioned was perhaps the biggest! I do think I've been happier than would have been thrust into a step parenting disney dadding situation, but i had assumed that when we had another child we would obviously take the plunge and move in together as i don't honestly know how hard toddler and newborn together will be? anyone know if its harder than step kids?lol

Also you hadn't missed the part in op about being pregnant i deliberately didn't mention it because i just wanted honest advice about whether it could work for us and be genuinely happy in situation, being pregnant and having new baby i think will only make situation harder so if general advice was don't do it before i'm veering towards that!

The reason the words pandered to are used a lot on this thread topknob is because that is what it is about!! If they weren't pandered to I'm sure a lot of these problems wouldn't exist....

And one other thing what reasons can i give my partner for stil not feeling able to move in with him? is it fair enough to say i just would rather we stay as two families stil and i can keep my own space and he can maintain as much contact with his kids as he wants without us /new baby and everything to consider?

sorry it was goth not topknob not understanding use of pandered to...

mattysmum, if you don't mind my asking - how much support does your DP give you now with the one-year-old? Is he available to help out? WHat happens when there is a clash between his responsibilities to the older kids and to the baby, now?

I am asking because I am 'thinking aloud', I guess - wondering if there are things you can do or suggest or implement with DP that would work short of moving in together immediately.

It does seem like if your DP didn't develop a sense of urgency to fix these big issues when your one-year-old came along, then there is less chance he will rise to the occasion on this go-around.

Topknob - These aren't children though are they? They are young adults who should by now be responsible and mature enough not to need so much attention from their father. But if they have never had to grow up and been babied all their lives they will still act like children.
The OP has very young children who need a lot of attention and blending these families too soon will end in disaster and resentment all round.
OP I had a 4 year old and a baby and I was terrified but it actually wasn't that bad. It was a very happy time and I loved bonding with my babies without any outside interference. Their Dad was never very hands on when we were together so I was used to doing everything myself - I felt like I just had one less kid to look after
Could you say that you want to give him time to focus on his older kids and you will move in when they are more independent.

brdgrl he is quite supportive and helpful when he is around, which makes it a bit worse because i would love to be able to make use of that fact and enjoy his support in the future but don't feel like i will be able to, although i suppose he will stil be able to come and help out a lot only spending time in his own house aswel but thats fine i can enjoy my gorgeous kids by myself in peace! There hasn't really been too many clashes in his responsibilities but i suspect we wouldn't come first, he says the right things, they are nearly grown up blah di blah, but his actions don't seem to put us first.

I get annoyed with people always saying the kids should come first....sorry but what about OUR child? It is unfortunate his exw was incapable of remaining faithful and ruined their marriage and therefore his kids come from a broken home, but they have had everyone's undivided attention since, what about my DS? he is missing out on having his parents living together because his dad cant grow a back bone and see the whole picture, he is never put first and i think thats a terrible shame.

thanks Kaluki that gives me hope and i will bare that in mind. i had told myself before i wouldn't move in with him until i saw positive signs of change and to be honest i don't see that happening. I will put it like you say and atleast then i cant be blamed for him spending less time with his older kids. It is so true what you say, you'd think he could recognise his 18 yr old should be mature enough by now to be slightly more independent, but its all in their upbringing i guess.