After a chat last night I feel even worse.

[NewYearsDaysie]

DH and I had a bit of a chat last night as we saw DSD yesterday and we were talking about how happy she seemed. I plucked up the courage to ask him if he was angry with me about the decision I thought we had made. He told me he was angry at the time when I told him to chose. I honestly and truthfully cannot remember giving him any ultimatum the way that he remembers it. I remember putting my points across and saying that if she were to come to live with us I could see it causing problems, outlining what I could see happening and saying it could end up being the end of us. He never tried to persuade me otherwise and said last night that was because he made a decision and lived with it. He can'[t understand why I'm 'trawling over things again and again' (his words). I keep talking to him about it because I need to understand how he is feeling about things. I can't do what he wants if I don't know what that is.
Sorry just needed to rant.

Yes I was going to suggest that you might benefit from a mediator, though not sure who that could be. There are mediation services but not sure they are available for your purpose, but you could find out. The more you say about the confusion between the aunt and uncle and DH points more and more to the fact that there needs to be communication between the 4 of you.

Incidentally a Residence Order means that the "holders" of the RO share Parental Responsibility with the birth parents, but the "holders" are in the driving seat and can make all decisions about the child's life.

NYD - yu do most definitely need to "pluck up courage" - you do sound like you are scared of him -is that right? Somehow you must "nail your courage to the sticking post" and start some discussions. This child is in the middle of a dreadfully muddling situation and that can't go oncan it?

For the child's sake (about whom you care for a great deal) do what you have to do......sooner rather than later and don't let him "close down" the attempts you make to start the discussion, which is what he will try to do.

A solicitor who handles mediated divorces would point you in the right direction. A family therapist could help you all to discuss the matters that are currently proceeding so haphazardly, without each person digging back into their own childhoods, etc. All you need is someone impartial with a good family counselling/therapy background who will act as chairman, keep you all heading in the same direction, and focused on achieving on balancing everyone's rights and responsibilities.

Here's an example of what one service provider offers. It is most often done in the context of a divorce but the process can be adapted to suit other family situations.

Thank you both...this is really the kind of stuff that I would never have a clue about! It's so good to have this advice.
Incidentally just to drip a little more into the mix DH is not named on the birth cert and does not have parental responsibilty.

Wow that Family First link that MA provided seems to be exactly what you need. I had no idea about it either.