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Feeling sad for DP.. he's really being pushed out

47 replies

thewickedestsm · 10/05/2012 13:22

I know I can't do anything about it but I am feeling really sad for DP at the moment. It is becoming more and more obvious that his DD and his ex are writing him out of their lives. DSD always had a happy but stand-off relationship with her Mum's then boyfriend. He was always really reluctant to have them all move in together despite the fact that he had a large house and Mum struggled as a virtually unemployed single parent. Then back at the end of last year, she fell pregnant (completely unplanned tra, la, la, la laa...), got engaged, and to cut a long story short, they all moved in together at the start of this year.

In between times we have the whole saga of the maintenance/ contact/ parental alienation etc. that most of you are aware of. Which has allowed the whole ?Let?s pretend dad doesn?t exist? to play out very successfully.

Since they became a "proper family" it has become increasingly obvious that DP's ex would rather he didn?t exist. She is a very narcissistic personality disorder proud woman and I just know that it kills her that A, her marriage failed, and B, that she has two children by two different fathers (actually three by three fathers but that is a whole other story).

It sounds ridiculous but it?s mainly things I?ve seen on Facebook. For example a few weeks ago it was DSD?s birthday and although it was a weekend she should have been with us she had to have her party at Mums. Kind of fair enough given recent circumstances, kind of. But DP wasn?t involved AT ALL. There was a cake which was personalised ?to our little princess? or some such vomit from her ?Mummy and SD XXX?, and lots of photos where DSD has written ?Family? or ?My Family? as the title and it is her, Mum and SD. There are a few photos with her and SD where Mum?s friends have commented ?Wow she really looks like his daughter? ?They look so alike it?s scary!? etc.

DP has noticed the language has changed too. Mum now uses ?We? instead of ?I? and everything to do with DSD has to be run past stepdad.

I know I?m probably being over emotional but it is just so sad to see. DP is such a wonderful person who wouldn?t hurt a fly. His way is quiet and calm and he is no-where near as ?exciting? as her Mum and StepDad. Not that her StepDad is particularly exciting (quite a bore really) but he plays up to her and her Mum?s glamorous demands and seems to be thoroughly enjoying this new role that he has been given. It is just so infuriating that he was a standoff knobber all through DSD?s 8 years old-13 years old and no one seemed to challenge him on it, now he?s come forward as some kind of wannabe dad swooping to the rescue when DP has let them both down so badly? and they seem to be quite happy with that. I fear it will only get worse once the baby arrives.

Oh, I don?t know, I?m probably being daft. But I just want to protect him.

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thewickedestsm · 14/05/2012 15:06

Ooh that is spooky kaluki - the facebook thing! What a weirdo.

Dsd's mum is certainly crazy. Somewhere is my cold cruel heart I do feel a pang of saddness for her. To be in your 40s and be such an emotional cripple and bag of neurosis must be horrid. I hope the cycle ends with DSD - for all our bloody sakes!

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Kaluki · 15/05/2012 10:44

Spooky Kaluki - ive found my Halloween name Grin

Smum99 · 15/05/2012 11:29

Ah, hang on in there WSM, I feel it could all come good in the end for your dh. In the meantime your DSD does need reassurance and love from her dad (even if she makes it difficult for anyone to like her!) and you.Home life with her mum is likely to be a mess. Would she ever consider counselling?

Dss's mum is very similar (could these women be twins!). Dss's mum latest husband does have money but he is notoriously stingy - she would be better off single but she can't bear to be alone so any bloke is better than none.

DSS is a little older and 18months seems to have made a major difference as this weekend dss went to counselling and I feel it's a major step forward and maybe there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.DH also had a frank conversation with him about how his behaviour impacts us, I don't think he had been aware of it.

thewickedestsm · 15/05/2012 13:42

Grin spooky kaluki!

We have tried having the frank conversation with DSD - the problem is, that she has inherited (or learned) her Mum's ability to beleive that she is the victim aboive all else and must fight her way through life making her feelings known because otherwise people will take advantage. So she fails to understand that it is her fault if people are hurt by her actions. She is the most important person.

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thewickedestsm · 15/05/2012 17:31

Although she us not the most important when it comes to mum's feelings. They must be considered above all else Sad

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NotaDisneyMum · 15/05/2012 17:38

wickedest it sounds like she is transitioning from golden child to scapegoat in her mums life - to make room for the new baby, perhaps? It won't be an overnight thing; if she provides her mum with narcissistic supply then she'll be elevated to golden child again - but generally, younger children fulfil that need and older children, when they become more independent, tend to be rejected.

We've seen this with DSD - who is now tentatively exploring contact with DP again now that she is no longer an extension of her mum Sad

Smum99 · 15/05/2012 19:59

I hope for your sake WSM that growing up makes a difference to your DSD. I re-read my post and realise I sound hopeful and I fear it could be hope over experience however.

Your DSD could be a very different person at 15 as she grows up. DSS has started to have a outlook on the situation which wasn't there even 6 months ago. It could be the dire situation at his mums but I think growing up is helping.

thewickedestsm · 15/05/2012 20:30

It's almost like these kids (whilst totally self obsessed on one hand) are older than their years, because they have been the emotional shoulder for a grown woman since they were knee high.
Not sure about the scapegoat thing... Currently, the unborn baby had nothing new, only second hand, whilst dsd is only able to have the best of everything. So I guess it will remain to be seen who takes which role. I'm sure that mum will keep hold of dsd for the income that she generates.. Although its far less now she gets no benefits. Oh, I don't know. I hope dsd sees sense. Sad

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matana · 16/05/2012 09:30

Sorry to hijack, but i've just found a card in my DSD's bedroom which totally emphasises to me the push-pull situation my DSDs have been in for years, which has ultimately resulted in DSD1 becoming estranged from my DH since September. The card says (to DSD2): "I hope you have a fun few days at Dad's house. I will miss you lots but i am going to be doing lots of walking so you would just be bored. At least i can't nag you for a few days - don't watch Dr Who without me! Love you lots, i will call you every day." (which she did, much to our annoyance). From memory, this was around the time i found DSD2 crying in her bedroom. After talking to her it became apparent that she was wracked with guilt in two directions. She said "I love coming here, i have fun, and i love you and Dad. But i miss Mum too." I reassured her that was normal and she was a lovely girl for caring so much. Later on i found this card and it broke my heart - poor DSD must have been struggling with the undertone of "have fun if you must, but i know you prefer to be with me". This has been the case with both DSDs for years, this undertone of "you don't have to go if you don't want to" and we are now reaping the rewards of years of this. DSD deleted all her 'adult' Facebook friends (on her mum's advice) shortly before we lost her in September. Sad

thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 10:40

Oh Mantana Sad So you never see her now?

I am so sorry to hear this. We have the exact same thing. DSD's Mum has always done the whole "Mummy misses you terribly but have fun" thing since they split when DSD was 8/9. They had this "in" secret thing where during the conversation Mum would say "Good night, I'll meet you in paris later" Or "New York" or something like that. Like they were star crossed lovers planning to escape from their terrible seperated lives and in to each others arms.

I can only hope that they have no idea how hard this is for the children and that they do it unknowingly. Ignorance is no excuse but I can't beleive a mother could do this on purpose.

DSd always had fun with us, she loved spending time with her little sister (my DD) and loved seeing mine and her dads's families too. Sure, she sometimes found us boring but what kid doesn't? I'm sure she wasn't over the moon about having two houses and having to uproot from one to the other all throughout the week but that is the reality for these kids and they can and do deal with it with the right support. We provide a lovely home here, she has everything she needs, her own room and her own privacy. And when she came here (used to be 50/50) we never made her stay any where else or got a babysitter, we were always pleased to have her and let her know how much the time was valued. A very settled environment. her Mum on the other hand would regularly go out, leaving her with babysitters and she would also (until recently when they moved in with him) have them stay ta her partners house at least once a week and often at short notice, where DSD didn't even have a toothbrush, never mind a bedroom and all her things. She literally lived out of a bag. But all of that was okay, not unsettling for her at all clearly.

DSD was never unhappy here. But we would always be told by her mother that is was a battle to get DSD here and that she always complained about us to her mum and was unhappy coming. Mum would call her every day - right at bedtime just as DSD was going to bed quite happily. These calls would nearly always end up with crying - sometimes both of them. The number of times her Mum told me (when we were alone) how hard she tried to encourage her DD to want to come to our house but she just misses her mum so much and her Mum is at the end of her tether with how much her DD misses her etc etc. "She's just cuch a Mummy's girl, I tell her that it is important that she sees daddy but she just hates coming to you it's so hard!" There was never any evidence of this when she was actually here... only after a conversation with her mum when she would suddenly start missing her.

I am dreading when the baby comes along as I can just here the "baby brother misses you" conversations now.

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thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 10:42

Sorry, i understand - so you don't see DSD1, but the card was to DSD2.... so pulling the same move on the second one?

Do you think Mum has NPD? There seems to be a pattern with NPD Mum's and alienation...

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NotaDisneyMum · 16/05/2012 11:16

I can just here the "baby brother misses you" conversations now.

DSS mum has used the "the kitten is missing you" line on DSS more than once Angry

but....DSS mum tried the "your DSis is missing you" to him on the phone one day, only for him to retort - "so why is she so mean to me and ignores me when I'm there, then?" Grin

This type of alientation seems to common - and so many mums don't realise it does damage; DSS mum used to cry every time DP went to pick DSS/DSD up, and a mediator suggested that she should control her tears - instead of listening, she went to the school head teacher to seek support for her behaviour and asked the Head to tell DP that it is best for the DC's that they know how much their mum misses them and how she hates them going to their Dads!

Kaluki · 16/05/2012 11:55

Wicked- The "I'll see you in Paris" thing is from the film stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. It's when the mum knows she is dying and to prepare the son for not having her around they make up dream dates so when he's asleep he can dream about her.
It's a proper tear jerker but interesting as a mum and a stepmum because you see it from both sides.

thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 12:10

"so why is she so mean to me and ignores me when I'm there, then?" Brilliant!!

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thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 12:12

Ah yes! I knew it was from somewhere!! I wonder if she has seen that film?

Surely if she had done she would be a bit kinder to me? Confused

And surely if she had seen it she wouldn't use the game that Susan Sarandon's character used to help her son through her death - please god she wasn't encouraging DSD to feel that way when they were merely apart for a night!

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thewickedestsm · 16/05/2012 13:54

After seeing that film I had even more appreciation for my dd's stepmum. Leaving young children behind is any mothers worst nightmare but much more comforting if there is a loving stepmum in the picture. What will dsd do if mum dies and she's alienated me and her dad? I mean, naturally we'd be there for her, but the closeness that should be there won't be.
A bit morbid, sorry!

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Kaluki · 17/05/2012 10:36

I first watched it when my DS was small and I had no experience of step parenting so I was seeing it purely from the mothers perspective.
I watched it again about a year ago and it was like watching a totally different film.

DPs ex always without fail buys them something when they are with us and in her phone call tells them that when they come home they will have a new game/toy/whatever waiting for them. Then they are all impatient to get home!
So so sick to play with kids emotions like that Sad

matana · 17/05/2012 11:26

thewickedestsm what is NPD? Sorry to be thick!

I remember a few years back ExW was talking to DH about writing a will and said: "Obviously, i would like DDs to live with my parents if I [and stepdad] die." She has never accused DH of being a bad dad (at least not to his face) presumably because he's not and has always gone to great lengths to see his DDs regularly and contributed to their upbringing both emotionally and financially. So this came as somewhat of a surprise. Anyway, his response was to laugh in her face and say "Over my dead body! They would come to live with us and i would challenge it all the way." That was the last we heard of it, but i'm sure she will have gone ahead and written it into the will anyway. We really ought to question her about it actually.

purpleroses · 17/05/2012 12:10

Mantana - does your DH have parental responsibility for his DDs? If not, then his ex can indeed leave their care to her parents if she wants. If it happened your DH could go to court to get this overturned but that would be the default arrangement.

He should have PR if your DDs were born after 2004ish and he's named on the birth certificate, or before that if he was married to their mum. If he doesn't have it, he can apply to court and get it. He would normally be awarded it with no problems if he's involved in his DDs' lives. It doesn't have any direct bearing on contact arrangements, etc.

matana · 17/05/2012 14:46

Thanks. They were born in 1998 and 2000, but he was married to their mum and his name is on their BCs.

purpleroses · 17/05/2012 15:02

He'll have PR then, so she can't just decide to leave them to her mum in her will, I don't think.

thewickedestsm · 17/05/2012 16:48

Narcisistic personality disorder... psychcentral.com/disorders/sx36.htm

Scary reading... I'm not a fan of amatuer diagnosis but it does help me to be able to mentally "tick" off this list

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