I have no idea what is normal or right

[chocoraisin]

I'll try to be brief. I'm 28 weeks pg, H left when I was 14 weeks pg because I discovered his affair and threw him out. There was no confession from him - he was leading me a merry dance to go to Relate etc right up until I realised there was someone else involved. I have no idea if he would have left eventually if I hadn't made him go there and then, IYSWIM. We have one 20mo DS. I've tried to be very calm regarding DS, and he spends one day and one afternoon a week with him. No overnights because he has nowhere to take him (I moved in with family, he is sleeping on his dads floor apparently).

So it's been about 13 weeks since he left, and I've got 3 months left before baby is due. He has asked me to meet his 'new partner' (the OW involved) within 8 weeks of the new baby arriving so that we can discuss her involvement in raising baby/spending time with my newborn/DS. Apparently he thinks I should accept her as stepmum to my unborn DC right now - and be fine with the two of them taking the baby out with DS at that early stage.

Honestly I'm so shocked at this request, at this stage, that I literally don't know how to respond. So far I've just deferred and said it's not relevant right now so not to bring it up before baby is born... step parents can I just ask for a (gentle) opinion please? Is this normal? WWYD or rather, expect from the XW? As far as I know, he has been seeing her since sept last year. I fell pg in late oct, so it wasn't like we weren't in a relationship or it was clearly a loveless marriage destined to fail. DC2 was discussed/planned.

I just don't know how to even think about this woman, let alone talk to her. I'm not sure if it matters in the grand scheme of things, but she spent Christmas with H in my home, knowing full well that I was pregnant and that we were (allegedly) working through our marital problems. She had met my DS and knew without a doubt that H was both married, a father and a father to be for the second time. Can she seriously expect me to welcome her as a step mum?? Just... I'm honestly, speechless.

I've had no contact with her myself. No nasty texts/emails/rants. Have so far maintained a dignified silence and hoped that I wouldn't have to deal with her at all - after all, no-one has even filed for divorce yet... god what a mess. :(

thanks so much for the support and experiences - it really helps to feel like I'm not being unreasonable by wanting to wait. freckles I hope it works out that well for us - I agree about waiting at least 6mo for their relationship to be established. Unfortunately he thinks because it will have been 6mo since I outed their relationship when baby is 8weeks old, that means it's 'time' for them to meet!! Obviously, he will have been conducting his affair for a year by then, so I guess he thinks I should get with the program and hurry the chuff up with my acceptance of things.

When I say 6 months I meant for you all to adjust you are clearly a little behind them so the decent thing to do it wait till you have in so many words caught up (sorry not sure how else to put it ) It's such a sensitive area. Yes you get frustrated but if you choose the be with someone who is in this situation you need to learn the ability to see from all perspective and loose the selfish edge that sometimes naturally arises.

There is no set rules it takes as long as it takes and OW can't be in the driving seat with this.

I think you have a wonderful attitude towards it and what's best for your children but the lack of respect from the other side is horrid and I only hope either your Exp or the OW gets this sooner rather than later.

If you ever have any questions pop over there are some great people over here with years of experience on what is a difficult subject to discuss I have been a lurker for a year now and some tips and perspectives have really helped me xxx

OP, I think you've been amazing and i agree with all said here.

Simply put, your priority is to ensure your child bonds effectively with his primary carer and that will be you. You seem like someone who will put her children first no matter how uncomfortable that might be for you so you shouldn't feel guilty if putting them (and you as a new mum are entitled to be more than a little bit selfish!) first makes the OW and the ex uncomfortable.

I would simply state that ex can visit his child on your terms but OW will have to wait until much further down the line.

If she was already a mother herself she wouldn't even dream of suggesting this, she would know that she should wait for quite some time to have a role in his life.

Choc, I mentioned your situation to my DH this morning and he agreed that your ex was crazy to even suggest this -my dh is a devoted dad and he wouldn't expect any partner (let alone a young OW) to be involved with your new baby.

I think you should be very robust in your response to your ex, tell him he has many, many MN'etters against him!!!

you poor girl, what a situation to be in and having such demands put on you. I am a step Mum and a Mum and I would be shocked if my DP was putting those demands on his ex with a small Baby and New Born.
They have only been together since September and that was on the sligh by all accounts and he does not have a stable fixed abode so how he can expect you to be making these desicions is shocking.
We all know how emotional we are after giving birth and at least 6-8 weeks after so I would not be looking to do anything until after then and even then their relationship is early doors and I would not be expected to consider all this and I think any decent woman would not be pushing that on a new Mum either. DO NOT be bullied into doing anything your not comfortable with too early on, yes the childrens father needs to have regular contact and be in thier lives and you and him can decide something that works in all your interests, but the OW should not be a consideration at this stage at all. I aplaud you for being so dignified, it sounds like you have had a luck escape. xx

thank you all - I was a bit nervous that I would be told to get on with it and that step-parents need to be involved from the get go, no matter how I feel about it, but you're all saying very sensible things. I have no problems with xH visiting baby regularly (suggested he top and tail his scheduled weekly visits with DS with an hour at my home each end with baby, to start with, but not take baby out with DS until a later date). I think he needs to be realistic about the amount of time he can be with DC2 as feeding/sleeping takes a fair old while to settle down, and he will only have the weekend visits to build up a bond as it is. DS will also need a lot of attention from him while he gets used to new sibling, and shouldn't be sidelined (or palmed off on OW for example) to make room for H to play with his new toy sorry, child.

It makes me sad that he doesn't remember or think about when DS was new - his reaction to me asking him to wait for a routine to be established? 'Two to three weeks after the birth' should be long enough for me to establish a routine!! Still it's all being done by email at the mo, so at the very least I have a paper trail of his requests and my responses. Should we need to make things more formal (which I am loathe to do, as I can't see a legal process making anything more amicable) I think he'll come across as naive at best, and idiotic/selfish at worst. Keep reminding myself that contact is my children's right... not something for him to beat me with a big stick about.

Hi chocoraisin,

I'm a stepmum of 2 girls, 10 & 12 and currently pregnant with my first. Please take what I'm going to say not as 'advice' per se but as my opinion. If it helps, great. I really empathise for your situation.

The ex of my DP believed I was involved in their break up and, although I wasn't & never met him until they had separated, she has constantly behaved in a way that messes with her children's heads and makes them feel guilty/nervous to be natural around me (this is better now) so I agree with Dizzy re being careful what is ever said in front of your kids (this is just a cautionary note - you sound like you are having a more than reasonable attitude so far under the circumstances actually! :)). I don't seek to be a 'mother' to them but a loving, caring, 'responsible adult' when they are in my & DP's care (currently every other w'end & one night a week). Their welfare is my prime & only concern. What is right for them - not what is right for DP & me is always the first consideration in any decision-making. DP didn't introduce us in an 'overnight altogether' capacity until we had been together nearly a year and I was on the verge of moving in (which was only going to happen once/if they were ok with me - and they were 8 & 10 at the time).

I guess I understand all sides of the situation here but I'm afraid if that was my husband, and I was about to have a baby, the situation would be that he can visit the baby by agreement & continue to be it's Dad. I wouldn't think an 'introduction' to the potential SM would be appropriate early on and I would not be leaving my baby in her care. With the relationship less than a year old and her that young, I would be looking to know her pretty well before my infant would be left with them overnight. I certainly wouldn't be thinking of sending the child to them overnight until it was fully weaned and potty trained. A baby needs it's mother & I don't think a young stepmother can 'fill in' when a baby is so young & I personally would not be comfortable with that and I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with this young woman that I didn't know carrying out the potty training etc. with my child. I just don't think it's appropriate for a woman you don't know to 'share' your baby's raising just because your DP wants that. If they get married/move in and become a permanent, established item, and the children are old enough to deal with it, fair enough. That's when someone becomes a step-parent and not just 'Daddy's girlfriend'.

I previously had a partner who had a 4 year old who was with him every other week (he only had any custody of her at his place from when she was nearly 3) and even then, I was only introduced yet alone allowed to stay over with her there after 6 months (his preference as he didn't want to introduce his child to someone who might not be serious - sadly the relationship did end and I still worry about the questions she might have asked). If he was with her, I didn't see him. As far as he was concerned, until he made a serious live-in commitment, his love life and his parenting were 2 separate things entirely & I never had a problem with that as I was grown-up enough by then to realise that the child's needs were paramount. I personally wouldn't be comfortable until I knew these 2 were cohabiting, had been for at least a year and the relationship was at least 2 years old minimum.

However much an a-hole your ex has been, he does deserve to be in his children's life but he has no right to insist that a 'stepmother' be introduced at this stage - especially when the relationship hasn't stood the test of time as a non-affair and they haven't even committed to moving in together. I certainly wouldn't be having the woman who wilfully cheated on me with my husband, in my house to visit his baby nor sending my young son over to stay with them until he had even gotten used to Daddy not being there and the concept that there might be someone else sometime. Na-ah. Just wouldn't be happening. Right now she's just his 'girlfriend', not someone who has 'bought' any parental rights to his children. Just my humble opinion.

Do stand by your guns and focus on having that baby, looking after yourself & not let this situation stress you! :)

Obviously, he will have been conducting his affair for a year by then, so I guess he thinks I should get with the program and hurry the chuff up with my acceptance of things.

It is really important that you remember, always, that this is the case. He has had a really long period to get used to this, and to work it all out in his mind. By any standards, you haven't, and you're pregnant into the bargain so have other things to think about. Do not let him force you into making decisions until you're ready. (I had this problem with my ex. It had taken him four years (!) of shagging his mistress to decide whether or not to leave, and he was amazed that I seemed to take longer than a week to come to terms to with it. He was, of course, a wanker.)

I really debated whether to post here but I feel your exH is being so unreasonable that I should risk a flaming.
I have been with DP nearly a year and he has 2 small children.
Firstly, I have been the OW, in that my DP's relationship broke down because of his feelings for me. I won't say anything about this other than to say we both hate what we did and feel that it is now our responsibility to minimise the effect of our selfish choice on his children and exW going forward. So it is possible to do a bad thing, see this and wish to behave as considerately as possible going forward.
I cannot imagine a world in which anyone would think that the feelings of the OW should have any priority.
DP and I live separately seeing each other every day but plan to live together next year. He sees his DC twice a week, taking the older one out and seeing the youngest at exW home. The decision for me to meet them rests with him and his ExW. He is very keen for me to meet DCs but the pace for this is being set by exW (rightly so) and I will begin to meet them once they are used to their Dad living elsewhere.
Even when we do meet it will be as daddy's friend who has popped infor coffee or met them at the park for a bit as indeed I do with my other friends children. It will be a long, long time before I play any significant role in their lives. The absolute priority is DP and his ExW being able to co-parent in a way which makes the DCs feel safe and secure.
I realise Choco that my opinion may not carry much weight with you but any bloke who puts the feelings of his OW before his DCs has a screw loose. As does any OW who expects it.

No flaming from me. It was not right but things happen I think it's how you conduct yourself after is what shapes the future good luck and choco hope your doing well xxxxx

notsowisewoman thank you so much for your honesty - I won't flame you either. It's not a perfect world we live in, and I recognise that being a grown up is complicated! I would have a great deal more trust and respect in/for my H and his OW if they had even the slightest insight into the impact their choices will have on his and my children :(

This problem is still playing on my mind very much and making me feel incredibly hurt and sad. Strangely, it feels more upsetting than him leaving me... I'll try to explain... I hope very much that he will play a meaningful role in both our kids lives, and have no doubt that should OW remain in his life in the long run she would be involved... I just can't understand the eagerness to force this issue when our new baby is so, so tiny. (I'm actually very glad to see it's not something that someone who is in a similar situation would do.) It's very hard for me to put myself in their shoes right now.

To me, I look at the request and think, due to his choices about where he will live, and leaving when they are so very young, the contact arrangements we have put in place are as practical as possible. But still he will only spend 3 hours one day, and up to 7 hours the next with his children each week. It just makes me sad that one of his greatest concerns right now is to share that time with her. Rightly or wrongly I feel that the least our children deserve for a good long while, is to be the absolute focus of his attention in that short time - after all, the rest of his life is entirely theirs to do what they want with. 10 hours a week ought not be such an issue! It almost feels like a rejection of the kids, because I can't see why they aren't special or interesting enough for him to want to give them his undivided attention to in those few hours.

I'm sure that is me overthinking things and he wouldn't see it like that at all. But the hardest part of all of this is trying to understand that I simply won't ever think about any of this the way that he/they do. I won't get where they are coming from. And I wouldn't make the same choices in their shoes. So expecting anything he asks for to make sense to me is unrealistic. I try every time I get upset to let it go, and then come back to it thinking only about what is best for the kids, not how it makes me feel. In most cases I've done ok at this, but I keep stumbling on this one. I just feel in my gut my kids deserve to be a priority to him. But I have no control over how/if he chooses to show this in his actions at all.

Even more than him leaving me, this is the thing that really, really hurts. I hope that doesn't come across as a criticism - that's not at all what I mean to do - just to explain why for me, this is such a big deal. :(