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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I wrong to be so upset??

29 replies

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 15:31

We have had DSD and DD here all week. They go home tonight.
Today it was arranged that DP would take my sons and DSS to the cinema to see a rubbish boy film and I would take DSD on a girls shopping trip as she didn't want to see it. DPs best friend went to the cinema with them and his GF came shopping with us.
About an hour ago I got a call from DPs friend saying that my DS had started feeling I'll during the film and cried so he took him out for a walk and he asked to call me. I asked where DP was and he is still watching the film.
DS knows DPs friend well and they get on so I don't have a problem with him taking DS out but why the F**K did my DP stay watching the film and leave his mate to look after my DS?
DPs friend said he would sit with my DS til the film ended and I told him I would refund his ticket. He is so nice he said its OK not to worry.
I have put up with so much shit fom his kids this week. ONE DAY I want him to be a stepdad to my kids and he passes the buck to his mate.
If we had all gone to the cinema and his DD had felt ill we would have all had to come home but as long as his DC are OK he doesnt give a stuff about mine.
I'm fuming!!!!

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Sassybeast · 15/04/2012 16:36

How well do the step kids know the friend?
If they don't know him that well, I can totally understand why your DP asked his friend to look after your son. It would probably not sit well with their mum if they had been left in the cinema with someone they didn't know that well ? And may have been upsetting for them. He sounds like a great friend to have and it's great that your son, even when ill, is happy to be with him. Presumably if your son needed his step dad, the friend would have gone back into the cinema and got him.
Hope your son feels better.

Original poster

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 17:11

DSS knows DPs friend as well as my kids do. They spend a lot of time with him The issue isn't with his friend - he is lovely and I trust him completely.
I suppose I'm more annoyed that he didn't even come out of the cinema and check. It's like he doesn't see my kids as his problem but expects me to do everything for his kids.
I feel that I trusted him to take my dc out so ultimately they were his responsibility
Also DP drove them all there. His friend didn't have a car so ds couldnt come home till the film finished so DP should have left his mate with the others and driven ds home. It's a 10 minute drive.
We've just had a huge row.
DS is a bit green but I think it may be down to the easter egg he wolfed down this morning than anything else

OP posts:

Smum99 · 15/04/2012 17:19

I get why you're upset - As you say DP had taken the dc's so he was acting in loco parentis, not his friend. I think it shows some selfishness on your DP's part and inconsideration. If my child was ill I would want to chat to my partner about it and agree what to do. Maybe the end result would be that the friend stayed outside but I think he should have at least called you.

How old is your son?

What is your dp's defence?? Have to say I think you have 'nailed' it however, he doesn't take the stepdad role very seriously.

Original poster

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 17:19

I should have said the two boys in the cinema were 12 and 10 and my ds who was ill is only 8. The older boys were so into the film they didn't care who else was there.
DP just wanted to see the film and his mate was sitting next to ds at the end of the aisle and so went out with him.

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elvisaintdead · 15/04/2012 17:26

I think yab a bit u as someone was with your DS, he was comfortable with the friend and the others got to stay and watch the film so the situation was dealt with. I say this as a step Mum and a Mum - sometimes it is fine to delegate and the adult in charge (your DH) had the situation covered, and the children were all fine and happy.

Sometimes DH does handles things differently than I would if I were there but he perhaps feels the same way about me at times as well. If your DS was upset and wanted your DH and he wouldn't go to him then you would definitely not be unreasonable but that wasn't the case and it comes across that you are projecting a bit.

Perhaps this runds deeper than just this occasion and if that's the case then perhaps raise it with DH when you are feeling calmer and agree a way forward.

lisad123 · 15/04/2012 17:29

Maybe given the fact his kids don't live with him, he felt he wanted to be with them. Your son was fine with friend, and properly the easiest all round. DP might have known it was too many sweets so didn't feel like he needed to check.

brdgrl · 15/04/2012 17:30

yes, that's crap, kaluki! I'd definitely be having words with my DP about it

If they don't know him that well, I can totally understand why your DP asked his friend to look after your son. It would probably not sit well with their mum if they had been left in the cinema with someone they didn't know that well ?

Then just as surely the answer is not to have the other child being taken off with that same potential stranger...? Why would it be more important that it 'sit well' with one mum than with another?

In this case, of course, kaluki has said that it was not a stranger to the kids and that there is no issue about the friend's suitability - but the point is that she trusted her DP to be taking responsibility for the kids, and he chose to shove that responsibility off onto a mate rather than deal with it like a parent.

elvisaintdead · 15/04/2012 17:33

The DS was feeling a bit sick because he ate too many easter eggs....it's not like he had a major accident and needed to go to a&e. I think a sense of perspective is needed as to how big a deal this actually is

Original poster

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 17:37

It does run deeper. That is true. And my ds was fine but I know if one of his dc had been ill he would have left.
I am expected to be 'mum' when his kids are here. I cook for them, wash, iron, break up fights, put up with tantrums and moaning and awful table manners, lack of privacy etc etc. All of which I know is part of the territory of step parenting but he does nothing. I took his dd out clothes shopping and for lunch today but I feel that he doesn't act like a stepdad to my dc at all but I have to take on everything with his kids,
He's just rang - we are going to have a proper chat after the boys are in bed!

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festi · 15/04/2012 17:51

I think what your dp did was reasonable, however what I get from the OP is that had it been his dd everyone would have missed out and had you all been together and this had been his dd everyone would need to leave and not just him and dsd or you and dsd. That is what is unfair but you need to maybe be more assertive on these things.

Original poster

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 17:57

Spot on festi.
It is because it was MY son that he didn't bother
His kids are more important.
I'm going to be assertive tonight, believe me- he's going to hear some home truths.

OP posts:

festi · 15/04/2012 18:07

I would not fly off the handle with him maybe he just does not realise sometimes men need these things pointed out to them. Actions speak louder than words sometimes.

Original poster

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 18:22

So does a kick up the arse

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Smum99 · 15/04/2012 18:28

8 is quite young - and whilst the cause was easter egg indulgence that wasn't known at the time. I think your dp could have stepped out and spoke with you. It's 'handy' that the friend stepped in but really I would expect my partner to deal with it and not delegate.
The older boys would have completely fine to stay in the film. Basically one adult had to be unselfish (given a child was feeling unwell) and it was the friend not your dp. To me that says something about him..

Smum99 · 15/04/2012 18:31

Kaluki, if your dp doesn't 'get' why you're upset - ask him to reverse the situation. You and a friend are are in the cinema with DSD & DS, DSD feels ill so the friend deals with it. I suspect he would be pretty shocked.

Original poster

Kaluki · 15/04/2012 21:50

Well If he didn't get it he does now!!
He is sorry. He is thoughtless at times and doesn't mean to treat my dc differently. He just thought ds would be ok, which he was, but admits he was watching the film and didn't want to go outside and as his friend offered he thought it was ok.
I got a lot of stuff off my chest and he has promised to make more effort with my kids so we will see.

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theredhen · 16/04/2012 10:33

Kaluki,

You are right to be upset. The one incident on it's own, isn't really a big deal but because you have explained the other issues surrounding it, I think you are right to be peeved!

He sounds selfish, but also thoughtless. I think it's almost human nature to "care" more about your own kids than any others but when you are a step parent you have to make a conscious effort all the time to treat all the children in the same way. You have to check and re-check yourself again and again, and it's why you get posts on here about whether we all think we are being unreasonable or not because the biological blinkers are fitted to all of us.

Sounds like your DP needs to be reminded to treat all the kids the same, he needs to be more aware of how he treats your children and his own and reconcile the two ways. That sometimes will mean putting his own kids second and that's always hard to do, but as you say, it's what you do very often.

Can you try explaining that it's normal to have a desire to want to put your own kids first, and that he is not "wrong" for feeling that way, he just needs to adjust how he acts.

Fooso · 16/04/2012 11:53

I would have been upset at this situation Kaluki. We are all so protective of our children aren't we - and it hurts when you feel they are being treated differently when you are making so much effort. Good that you raised it with him and good that he listened. Hopefully next time he will do the right thing!

Original poster

Kaluki · 16/04/2012 15:33

Thanks for the support.
I am stewing on it all a bit today.
I think it is the unfairness of it all that bothers me most. I guess I need to take his word for it that he is sorry and let it go

OP posts:

theredhen · 16/04/2012 15:47

Yes, you do need to give him another chance and let it go.

However, you also need to take a bit of a step back and watch day to day life and ask yourself if he is really making an effort with your kids or just "tolerating" them.

Keep watching and keep talking, don't get so bogged down with looking after his kids that you can't take a step back and watch what's going on with your own children.

thewickedestSMinthewest · 16/04/2012 16:06

I've just read the op (I know I know) and I can totally understand. It seems to me a case of dp either not wanting to miss the film, or not being able to put his kids out by making everyone miss it. And your poor son is left waiting around outside when he needed to be at home.
I'm sure it's amplified by the fact that you've probably spent a week as mummy, maid and chief pot washer for his kids and he can't do ONE thing

Will now read rest of thread

thewickedestSMinthewest · 16/04/2012 16:15

Oh right, we're moving on... Sorry

Yes, don't stew. But make your feelings known. If it was an isolated insistent then fine but it's not. And to the poster who said it was because they don't live with him and he wanted to be with them... They've been there all week, and actually "time" in the cinema isn't really quality is it.
Plus they're quite a lot older.
And what business would it be of their mothers
(I'm a bit aggy today)

Original poster

Kaluki · 16/04/2012 17:35

I will step back and watch. That is good advice thank you.
He knows he upset me big time and is now painting our bedroom wall which I have wanted him to do for ages so much creeping going on
I have a late meeting on Wednesday and my mum who usually has the boys can't do it this week so I have asked him to do their tea and homework routine until I get back so we will see if he meant what he said about making an effort.
He has also just told me that he has to work Saturday morning when he has his dc (mine will be with their dad) so there goes my weekend lie in (sigh)
Why did I fall for someone with kids?

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theredhen · 16/04/2012 18:52

Kaluki,

It's hard isn't it? I know some would say, well he is taking on your kids, so you have to take on his, but the reality for so many of us, is that we take on their poorly parented kids and difficult ex's whilst they "tolerate" our kids who are properly parented by us and we are supposed to feel that this a fair arrangement?

I hope your DP carries on creeping for the forseeable future.

Original poster

Kaluki · 16/04/2012 19:22

That was exactly my point redhen.
I feel that I have gone over and above for his dc last week and took on the role of mum so it's not unreasonable to expect him to do the same.
And it was made worse that I didn't go to the cinema because I took his dd out shopping!!!
I'm going to milk the creeping for all it's worth

OP posts:

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