Transport of children

[toxicwaste]

I was just wondering how other people work picking and dropping of children/step-children at the other parents house.
My two children's father lives about 12 miles away and we share the running around between us, pretty much 50/50.
On the other hand my partners ex wife lives about 400 miles away and we have to do 100% of the travelling in order to see the children. It doesn't seem fair to me, but I was wondering what is 'normal' (!)

Depends on who moved away from who, if she moved then I think you can claim expenses from the CSA/ maintenance. If he moved you get nothing

We had to check when DSD got moved 50 miles away and we had to prove mileage etc and got the CSA reduced, but the law may have changed

My DH's ex moved away (six hour round trip). We tried to claim travelling epenses via the CSA but the claim was rejected after they had "discussed the issue with Mrs XXX and that in cirumstances like this the person dealing with the claim has to make a judgement call". We could have appealed (we had receipts etc) but had just lost the will to live with it all by that point! We still don't understand why the claim was rejected but there you go. To be honest, as crippling as the costs are at present, it's the amount of access time taken up by travelling which is the biggest problem. I would still make a claim though if I were you.

He moved. But we are planning on making a claim through the CSA anyway.

It is not just about the expense of transporting the children but, like MaisieM points out the eating into access time. On top of that it takes the best part of two days each pick up and drop off.

Not taking into account costs I feel that it is both parents responsibility that the children see the non-resident parent and that both should take a part in the transport to allow it.

Responsibility for transport can be written into a Contact Order - perhaps this is a possibility you could look at?

Depending on the age of the DC's, it may work out cheaper to continue to pay for travel, than a solicitor to get/change the Order, though

Good luck with the CSA route as the BM gets contacted and asked who moved aswell if her answer doesnt match then the CSA will probably rule in her favour if she can prove she hasnt moved etc

You can have travel written into a court order for access as it's highly relevant and impacts quality of contact. There are also H&S issues if you have one parent doing a long commute especially after working.

The reality is that a long travel for the child is awful so I think its selfish of a parent to move and not consider how that will impact on the child. DH ultimately had to move closer to where the ex moved to as it wasn't any fun for ds to be stuck in a car for so long. DH also wanted to be involved with DSS schooling etc and a long distance doesn't make attending school evenings possible.

Some other countries are enlightened and parents cannot move a certain distance.

TBH if he moved then I don't see why his ex should be expected to do the travelling, or to contribute financially/receive less maintenance.

We get the kids from a big shop on the outskirts of where she lives. Its a five min drive for her 40mins fir us to home. DPs ExW moved 25miles away yet we do all the driving. She says we should be lucky she lets us see them but that's another story! The kids now old enough its not fair but we can't be arsed with the arguements to change it right now.

I moved away from my ex. 40 miles away! that was far enough! lfor some space lol We agreed to split travel. He comes to pick DS up (as its dads wknd) and when its time for my DS to come home i go fetch him back.

A 45min drive i dont think is that long really for an adult.... but its took DS dad 3yrs to finally realise he can come and watch him at swimming lessons or take him out for tea 1 nite as an extra visit. (or to get his head round we`d moved!)

I think its a bit excessive to expect 1 party to do THE WHOLE round trip.

Whats wrong with meeting half way??

It's rarely as clear cut as "he moved away", ime. I can talk with some authority on this particular topic - work ran out, money ran out. WE decided to move our family to somewhere easier to live, and she agreed (at first) that it was financially manageable, nearer to the paternal family, better for bringing up children, etc.

At the last minute, under pressure from her maternal relations, she changed her mind. I moved to new home, hoping she'd come with, but she chose not to.

So - who left the marital home in that instance?

Didn't he consider the travelling when he moved 400 miles away? It doesn't seem fair to expect children to do that much travelling regularly.

I know there are lots of reasons why parents move away but I do think it's a bit unreasonable to expect the mother to have to do so much travelling. I also think 400 miles is a long way for children to have to travel to try and maintain a relationship with their father.

It's really good to have such an arrangement with your ex but it is not fair to expect the mother of your partners children to have to do 50% of the running on 400 miles when your partner chose to move away. I think you're going to have to get used to spending a lot of time sitting in the car with kids.

We do 100% of the transport as DSD mum does not drive. But DP did all of the ferrying around when they were married so its fair enough he still does I guess. When we moved in together we were told by DSD mum that we were not allowed to move more than 20mins from her house so how do other people get away with moving 400 miles!

Thank you for your responses.

I am slightly disappointed that it turned into a slanging match against my partner for moving away. I was purely wondering how other people deal with transporting children to and fro.

I grew up over 600 miles away from where I live now. Last year I took my two there three times to visit family and friends. 12 hours in the car is not awful. It is a great way of spending quality time together without any distractions. Children are very adaptable and neither mine nor my partners children are daunted by long journeys.

If I had found myself living in what I deem to be an awful part of the country when my ex and I split up I would have had no qualms about returning to my native lands. And this is what my partner did. So please, no more slating!

Would you have done so and left your children behind though? Lived 400 miles away from your children because you didn't like the area where you lived and it wasn't your "native lands"?

Aside from whether or not it was the right thing for your partner to do, I think you and he must both realise that actions have consequences, and one consequence of him having decided to move away is that he must bear the expense and inconvenience of the travel arrangements to see his children.

FWIW, my ex moved away a similar distance, and has yet to see the children since he did. If and when he does, no way on this earth will I be paying for it, accepting a cut in maintenance for it or doing any part of the travelling. It was entirely his decision to move away and I don't see why the children should suffer financially because of it.

Well I think if xh moved that far away I'd expect him to do all the travelling. I do all the running around for dd, all the hard slog, all the school runs. I'd think it very unreasonable if I were being asked to half of the journey so she could see him.

Is it just you that thinks it's unfair or does he too - in which case, I'm surprised he didn't consider the impact of a move so far away from his children.

DH does a 40 mile round trip to collect and drop off his DDs every week. We've discussed it a few times and considered raising it with ExW. But that would be more hassle than it's worth. He wants to see his DDs after all so has always been prepared to travel to see them as he knows what the response would be if he queried it with ExW. She'd refuse to compromise and he'd end up doing all the travelling anyway = nothing achieved except disharmony.

For local travel, I think it's fair to split it 50-50, but if one parent moves 400 miles away, I think by doing so, they are comitting to doing a lot of travel to see their children. Your DH chose to move, his ex didn't. Your DH could ask if she'd be willing to do any, or if there might be any ocasions where she could get them part-way there (eg if she's off somewhere else for the time when they're with their dad) but I would imagine she'd say no. I have an amicalbe relationship with my ex, but tbh - if he moved 400 miles away I'd be pretty upset that he'd no longer be able to play any part in their day to day lives, and would be irate at even being asked to help do the driving. Is there nowhere nearby to where the DCs live that your DH could spend time with them - so he doesn't have to do the trip twice to see them?

I think it depends on who moved and also what your access schedule is.

My ex did the same and then asked me if i would pick the children up from his (a 4 hour round trip) every other weekend. As I am RP and had the childen 13 nights out of 14 this effectively meant that I would have to spend half of the only full day I had on my own in the car. I discussed it with my solicitor and she advised that his request wasnt really reasonable given he had chosen to move away.

I think it is fair that he does all of the traveling as it is a consequence of the move.

If he doesn't go inside the house,I think I would ask her if she would meet him out or town at a supermarket or service station so that he didn't have to do that last bit and this would reflect a more average distance that his ex would be traveling if the move had not happened. However the children might want to show him things at their home whilst he is there, so that might be disappointing for them if he never gets to see them at home.

I definitely don't think that she should have to pay towards the traveling costs.

Reading the responses back I do get that expecting ex w to travel 100's of miles would be a bit much (although it is in an old mediated agreement that she would).

The reason I asked in the first place was that everyone I know shares the driving 50 50, and that includes 3/400 miles. And that is not only when the non-resident parent has moved away.

Predicament now is that I would dearly love to be a part of SC's weekly like, but that would mean moving mine away from their father. And who said life was easy?

My ex and I do 50/50 but my partner's ex insists if he wants to see his DD then he has to do the travel.

It's a pretty typical way of undervaluing the non-resident parent.

Funny actually as when my DH moved away (in reality it was only 20 minutes away) She stopped doing the one drive a week that she did do as it was his fault he'd mioved and would have to suffer the consequences... however, recently she moved away (another 20 minutes in the opposite direction) and he still has to do the driving... work that one out

Mind you, DSD is her property after all, Dad is merely an irratation and if he insists on being a nuisence and wanting to see his DD he should really put in all the effort [bitter emoticon]

I'd say that expecting a resident parent to share the travelling could also be viewed as a way of undervaluing the resident parent and their role.

In terms of RP responsibility, doesn't that include making the DC's available for contact? How does expecting a RP to support their DC's to maintain a relationship with the NRP undermine the RP role?

I'm not suggesting for a minute that the RP should do all the travelling, or even pay for the travel of the NRP if it was the NRP choice to move away - but in cases where the RP has moved after a contact agreement has been reached, it is their responsibility as RP to ensure that the DC's maintain a relationship with the NRP parent, and imo, that should include transporting, or paying to transport, the DC's to the NRP to facilitate contact.