Witholding contact threats

[RienDeRien]

Hello
I really need some advice about threats to withold contact from SD's mother.

SD is 8, she sees us once per week after school for tea, and every other weekend. Her mother never drops her off or collects her - DH does all picking up and dropping off as SD's mother says she is 'doing him a favour' in allowing him to se SD.
This arrangement has been agreed by DH and his ex, there has never been any court involvement. They have joint parental responsibility.

Every six months or so, SD's mother throws a wobbly and threatens to withold contact. This seems to tie in with periods when SD is particularly excited about something - eg before DH and I got married and SD was excited to be a bridesmaid, her mother threatened to withold contact. Again, when I became pregnant, SD's mother threatened to withold contact.

SD spent Christmas with us, and we had a lovely time. Last week DH was called by SD's other to say she was witholding contact because SD had been given inappropriate toys for Christmas (she wanted - and got- lego) and because SD was wearing 'the wrong clothes' - meaning not designer clothes.

It's like this every six months, threatening to withold contact, making wild and bizarre statements about how SD hates coming to see us (which are not true - SD will often phone up and invite herself round) and then she will claim to have made 'compromises' in 'allowing' Dh to see his own daughter

Can anyone advise on what to do - it's so upsetting for everyone, particularly DH and SD.
Thanks

Have been there also. Like a PP, we tolerated it for a good few years as it was just threats however when she started following through with them, cancelling contact at short notice, withholding contact for ridiculous reasons (eg DSS holding my hand to cross the road) and started attaching unattainable conditions to the contact we went to court.

Like a PP this has sorted out the issues ie there is a clearly defined contact order but it caused issues as well. In our case it dragged on for 6 months (although there was an interim order made to maintain the status quo). She made up all sorts of allegations about how the children hated it here, I was horrid to them...etc Those were all disproven but it was stressful for everyone, including the kids who were put under huge presure by their Mum to back up her claims (they didn't though).

I think you have to act when not going to court is casuing as much upset as going to court would if that makes sense? This was the tipping point for us and honestly, despite the stress it was the best thing we ever did because now everyone knows where thye stand and the children know exactly who they will be with an when.

His ex still states though on the very odd occasion that we ask her to change something "you went for the court order, all I am doing is sticking with it to the letter!"

I agree about the legal advice. Try suggesting mediation formally as a start and if nothing comes of it, you will need to go down the legal route.

Excellent advice from awingandaprayer I find.

Definitely seek legal advice. I've been in a similar situation twice with lots of threats until my partner stopped placating and saw a solicitor when the threats from the ex stopped. The contact pattern did not increase until a combination of court and mediation eventually sorted it out in my partner's favour. Sounds to me like you have a good chance of success.

Be prepared for it to feel like a long drawn out process. Also my advice would be to really put effort into trying to persuade her, by whatever means, including carrying through threats to go to court, to get her to mediation if possible - it seems to be the best thing to sort out the manipulation of your step daughter and the whole 'doing him a favour' thing, as well as sort out a contact pattern that is good for you and that she is more likely to stick to. On both situations I've been in, the mother has refused initally to go to mediation until well down the line (the first time after the first court case) but once she was finally persuaded it did much more than any of us had hoped was possible.

Also, always remember to be as reasonable as possible from your side (though it sounds like you are). Pick your battles, fight only for the important things and take your solicitors advice. At any point, think what your grown up SD would think about each letter or decision.

Finally, don't let it take over your life. It can be a really stressful time (although worth it and so much less stress in the end) so make sure you and your partner look after yourself during the process.

p.s. keep a record of all what DSD says as well as the threat of stopping contact by the ex. It will come handy if the thing gets nasty. However, be prepared to be surprised, it is not unusual for children to complain about the other parent to... both parents.

The court order is the way forward, you can do it by agreement via mediation (the family mediation service will advice how to get court to formalise it).

Hello
They split up eight years ago when SD was very young. Ex moved 200 miles away, we have since moved to be closer to SD as contact was difficult with the distance.
It look s as though mediation/court is the way forward doesn't it. My DH is the same, will bend over backwards to accommodate SD's mother's demands, but she is getting more and more unreasonable.
When he has said something, she plays victim status and cries to SD telling her that daddy is trying to take her away from mummy and that she will never see mummy again.
It's just horrible.

Not sure how long this has been going on? i.e how long have they separated?

My advice would be mediation and then court if necessary. We had this situation and for years DH jumped through hoops but in the end he realised that the more he placated the ex the more aggressive about contact she would be. DH went to solicitors and the first approach was a letter asking for mediation, much stalling on this however when DH's solicitor suggested next step would be court the ex agreed to mediation. In mediation she refused to speak so after 2 sessions it was abandoned and DH asked the solicitor to arrange a court hearing. It was scheduled for a few months later and was a very quick affair. All over in a day (most of that hanging around). DH & the ex left with an order than detailed when contact would be. Half of holidays, EOW and the ex would have to share some of the driving (since she choose to move away).

Positives - actually a quick process, reasonably painless and DH had an order than meant he knew when he was supposed to see his son. The ex has mostly gone along with the order so contact has been regular.

Negatives - the ex was furious and she launched a backlash against DH, trying to turn DSS again him, we never spoke about the court proceedings to DSS but she chose to tell DSS and said that she was forced to sign an agreement..complete victim status. She neglected to mention that the judge told her she was being highly unreasonable and even her own solicitor told her that the agreement was fair.

It would be wise to keep a record of current contact and any written statements you have from the ex when she withholds contacts. Thankfully most judges see through this manipulation. Remember it's the child's right to see both parents and to see her half sibling. The courts will protect the child's right.

PS in our case the ex would withhold contact as she was trying to ensure husband nos 2 was the father figure i.e DH wasn't needed any longer. That marriage ended some time ago and DSS has zero contact with the step father so DH is doubly glad that he fought for DSS since he would now be left without a father role.

The time before this went she phoned up and threatened she said she was 'getting her solicitor involved' and DH suggested mediation which she said wasn't worth it as DH would 'lose all contact with SD the minute he tried it on.'
Then she shut up about it as her Dad pointed out that mediation would mean she would have to do her fair share of fetching/carrying SD and not dictate when DH can and can't see her (forgot to say she tells DH when he can see SD during holidays - never a 50/50 split)

We have had similar issues and the only thing that resolved it and put a stop to it was mediation.

Do you think she would be open to do this ?

She sounds like she has some serious ownership & control issues IMO