Just trivia, but it made me cross

[Petal02]

I decided to let this one go, as I know us all step-parents have got to pick our battles ? but I wanted to post about it, just to get it off my chest.

Yesterday morning I got some chicken out the freezer, with the intention to cook it for tea last night. Before leaving the house yesterday morning, DH asked what I was planning for tea, I said it was chicken. So absolutely fine, no big deal or drama.

But I arrived home last, to find that DSS (who was with us last night) had requested we have fish and chips, so DH was dutifully heading out to the chippie. Not the greatest trauma in the world, but it made my blood boil that DSS clicks his fingers and DH jumps, and over-rides my decision. I realise this is only trivia, and that only a step-parent would understand my frustration. When I asked DH why he?d over-ridden my plans with a request from DSS, he lamely protested that he also fancied some fish and chips (which I don?t believe for one minute, because he?s been eating really carefully since Christmas, to lose weight).

I doubt that many kids in ?together? families get to dictate the menu ???

When I first met DP he would ask both his dc on a Friday night "what do you fancy for tea?" and more often than not he would end up getting 2 separate takeaways followed by a trip round the supermarket for sweets, treats, you name it. They would both fill themselves with sweets in the car and leave the takeaway uneaten.
I soon knocked this on the head - I told him YOU ARE THE ADULT - you tell them what is for tea and they choose whether to eat it or not and if not then no bloody sweets.
They still try it on all the time but he has learnt never to ask "what do you fancy?" again.

I'm with the OP. My DSS is sooo fussy at meal times and has always not liked the food I give him. Funny when he has the same thing in a cafe or someone else's house he eats it but with me he doesn't.

PIL and DH now even think this is a funny joke when DSS says he's not eating my yukky food! I think that's a bloody cheek and I would never have spoken like that to an any adult when I was younger, so I can not understand how DSS is allowed to get away with it when it's me. (by the way I think am a very good cook, :o and DH constantly complements me and to be fair to him when DSS is here he does make sure he eats what he is given).

But again, to reiterate what a lot of posters have said here it's more about control, the childs constant battle to take it from the step parent and the inability of the DH/DP/BP to see what's going on. So many times I've been accused of being childish because I chose to stand up to DSS and sometimes I end up being quite nasty to him in my frustration at the things he insists are happening in my home!

We've recently bought our first home together and my blood was boiling when I heard DH talking to DSS the other about his bedroom, my guest room, that is apparently going to be painted red and black and have vampire skulls with blood coming out of their mouths on the wall.... Apparently DH doesn't need to worry about refurbing our room, the kitchen, the bathroom etc just DSS's blood soaked bedroom! Even though I know it will never happen, I still want to butt in on the conversation and say "NO!" but DH just encourages it.

It's another example of the SC trying to call the shots while you stand by feeling utterly over-ruled and trampled on. And after a while resentment does build up inside you, it'sa natural reaction to being bullied by a child in your own home.

This happens in our family all the time. DH dotes on the kids, and as he's out all the time at work, he likes to make them happy. Plenty of times I've defrosted, or even cooked a meal and Dh and the Dc at the last minute decide they actually want take out. Usually what I've made will keep so it's no big deal. Sounds like you have bigger problems than some defrosted chicken.

Oh, and Dh is step dad, in case that makes a difference

Kaluki - you sound like a right witch.

Just saying.

You're absolutely right Jencd - it's definitely all about control. And DSS isn't half as innocent as he makes out, he knows darn fine it's a battle of wills, and he also knows that 99% of the time he can twist his Dad round his little finger. His smugness can be very hard to tolerate.

kaluki sounds like a perfectly normal parent. With my bio kids and step kids I have 4 kids in the house every other weekend. Eat it or leave it. And furthermore, moaning will get your plate taken off you and sent out of the room, whether or not you have the same blood group as the cook, because I am not a servant.

No she doesn't, CoralRose - she makes a very valid point. Fucking hell, since when are the kids in charge???

And exactly what colditz said.

?Since when are the kids in charge????????

Sadly, only in a step family. In a together family, parents naturally assume authority, because they?re not scared of their kids refusing to visit next weekend, they?re not trying to compensate for the divorce and they?re not competing to be the popular parent.

I know, Petal. I was trying to make sure that CoralRose knew that.

I am a stepmum as well as a bio mum myself. I usually post in this section under a different name, and I forgot to namechange before I posted

CoralRose - you may not think it's a big deal if no-one wants what you've cooked and gets a take-away instead but that is just so rude it astonishes me that anyone would think it's OK to allow children to behave like this.

What are these kids learning? That the whole world is there for their benefit and they must have what they want, when they want it, all the time.

Is it OK for them to completely disregard the effort and thought that has gone into the meal? Maybe they are so pandered to they simply have no concept of what is involved in putting a meal on the table?

What kind of self-absorbed, inept, incapable adults will they turn out to be?

When someone goes to the trouble of shopping for and preparing and cooking a meal for you the correct and acceptable response is "Thank you" and then to eat it.

If my dsd's spent time drawing a picture or writing a story and then when they showed it to me I said "Oh I don't want that/don't like that I'd rather have a picture/story someone else has done" would that be acceptable?

What really gets my goat, is that kids in a 'together' family would never get away with it!

They're learning spontaneity and about how to have fun. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, one less night cooking. I pick my battles.

It's not one night less cooking if you've already cooked it.

They are actually learning that their feelings and wishes are the only ones that matter. That would bother me.

They?re also learning that if they click their fingers, the world changes to suit them. That?s not good either. But my point is that a child in a ?together? family would never get away with it.

I think they're learning more about being selfish and thoughtless. There are plenty of ways to be spontaneous and fun without being thoughtless/rude at the same time.

Okay .... I accept we all have different personalities and circumstances and if someone says this sort of thing wouldn't bother them personally then so be it. However, I'd bet it'd be a minority of people who'd feel like that. It isn't simply the cooking, it's also the time and trouble taken to plan a meal, shop for a meal etc., and in my household (and probably many more) I just can't afford to give into the whims of whoever whenever .... for one it'd be hugely expensive to get takeaways ad hoc, and for two it'd make a complete mess of my efforts to plan and budget.

My stepkids - so far as you can ever know what goes on in someone else's home, but based on what they say and their attitude towards food - apparently have pretty much free rein to choose what they want to eat each night. That seems to mean a lot of takeout, and a lot of snacky junk .... apart from anything, allowing kids to choose means that it's usually less likely they'll pick balanced meals. This freedom has caused big problems at ours in the past - with objections about "boring" meals (because they got no say) and, for quite some time, silly and rude whingeing at almost every meal about everything and anything (sausages "too spicy", carrots cut the "wrong way" etc) in an attempt to leave food so they can ask for an alternative instead. I used to dread meal times and it took a long time before they accepted that there usually wasn't a choice on offer. Lots of "it's not fair" and "mum doesn't make us eat meals we don't want". Note I'd never serve them something they didn't like - they just didn't like not being in charge .... which I think is a ridiculous and very unhealthy attitude to encourage in primary age kids (as they then were).

I think if you allow kids free rein when their choices impact on others you are setting them up for a fall - at school, and later in life - when they (hopefully) realise that the world doesn't revolve around them and that they're not going to be very popular if they never think about anyone but themselves and what they want.

Petal you're right .... in most together families, kids wouldn't get away with this sort of thing, because the parents don't have that thing of "oh-my[-god-I-might-lose-contact-if-I-dare-to-upset-them" going on. Obviously, there'll always be some overindulged kids (see Supernanny for example!) in together families, but you see and hear about it far far more in stepfamilies because so many non resident parents worry about that threat.

Thank god that this particular issue - messing about and being demanding over food isn't a problem in my house (any more) - though it's about the only bloody issue where DP doesn't go all Disney. I think he knows bloody well which side his bread's buttered on when it comes to food because I do ALL the planning, shopping and cooking as he's so completely useless at it (and too lazy to bother trying to get better). If he's happy for me to continue taking 100% responsibility for getting food inside us all then what I say goes .... he, and his kids by extension, should be grateful that someone is taking the time to cook decent food and not quibble about it. That's not to say I'm completely anti takeaway or eating out - so long as it's affordable - but that's something to be discussed and he'd be left in no doubt at all just how angry I'd be if he gave in to the skids' demands re: food if it meant wasting my time or money, and/or dismissing my role (which he's happy to cast me in) as "cheif cook".

Exactly catsmother - whatever happened to gratitude?

Sorry I haven't had time to read all the posts, am new here I have 2 birth children and a stepdaughter who lives with us except every other weekend. I personally wouldn't have a problem with this if any of the children asked but of course would expect dp to call me and check as a courtesy and vice versa. No distinction between bc or step children I think is key but obviously only works if both adults are in board

Oh my goodness I have to vent about food issues again!!!

DSS came to stay on Saturday night and has gone off on a four night ski trip now with DH and FIL ( a trip I deftly managed to dodge! :) )

So seeing as my "yukky" food is now such a standing joke I decided to buy chicken nuggets and microchips for DSS just so I wouldn't have to have the battle and be insulted. So guess what? being unable to argue that the food was yukky DSS now feels so sick (cut to him fluttering his pathetic little eye lashes and forcing out crocodile tears). FIL and DH were straight away telling me how he had been very ill on the plane and even thrown up. I suggested an ice crem might "make him feel better" and low and behold, he wasn't too sick for that.

Cut to lunch yesterday... DSS had spent all morning playing football, climbing in his tree house, eating cookies and sweets and then at lunch time his throat was too sore to eat the homecooked soup I had made! So FIL said "oh no poor little chicken you are really sick aren't you..." and asked me if I didn't have something "wet and soft" for DSS to eat that wouldn't be sore on his throat.... Errrr something wet and soft like f*ing soup for example????

What is wrong with these men that they can't see DSS clearly running rings around them? I promised myself that as this visit was such a short one I wouldn't get involved because it ultimately would lead to me and DSS having and arguement and DH blaming it all on me. The are just so blooming ridiculous it's not a case of how long I can hold my tongue for it's how many times in a 24hr period can I hold my tongue. (Food is only one of the "control" issues BTW).

I think I actually bit through my tongue when after eating three measley spoonfuls of soup DSS was deemed fit enough to manage a chocolate eclair.

please.

OMG jencd that's ridiculous. Yes it's a control issue and your DH is being a fool to not see through it.

I have a very fussy DSS1. My strategy - I feed them the same standard cr*p all the time whilst we have varied and healthy meals. There is no way I would have such a situation for my own child, but neither would I rear a child to be so ridiculously fussy and pandered to. So they eat tinned rubbish food and we eat fresh stuff. Result - they don't moan and no food is wasted.

I am so pleased to find I am not alone my DSS finds so many ways in which to cause me to blow my top at him then he plays the innocent angel to DH and I get a telling off for upsetting poor SS, I know its to be expected as he is nearly 16 but it drives me mad. Saturday morning I am reading my emails and he is playing with a ball in the house and teasing the dogs then banging on the floor I end up losing my frayed cool and it all decends into complete crap DH and fall out and he accuses me of always making poor SS uncomfortable in the house and says from now on he will see SS without me and I am unfit to parent his child. I feel very hurt and unsupported things have now calmed dwn and DH has apologised but I have come to the conclusion that maybe he is right to see SS alone. Your thoughts on this would be greatly received I am not a mother and I find it very hard to cope sometimes which makes me feel bloody useless !!! :(

Oh WSM1 it's hard even when it is your own child so don't feel bad for finding it hard to cope. Actually it's much easier when it's your own child because you can just tell them to stop and get out of your way and no-one bats an eyelid. My DS is only 3 and is well aware of where my boundaries are, so it's pretty difficult to watch teenagers doing really stupid stuff and get away with it.

I don't think it's fair for your DH to say you're unfit to parent his child . It's all so common though for dads to be defensive about their childrens' behaviour and blame the easier target (us!). DH told me the other week I was a rubbish SM and that all the other SPs are much better.

On a personal level, I deal with the whole situation with the 'detach' mantra. I actually physically make sure I'm not around much of the time during 'access' visits. Probably not ideal but it's my coping mechanism.