Is it worth another try?

[Petal02]

just wanted a few opinions: now we're into 2012, and DSS will be 18 this year, I was thinking of talking to DH about the access rota, to see if we could have another go at flexible visiting. I hasten to add I'm not suggesting less contact, but more of a "pop in and out" arrangement.

We made several amendments to the access rota to accommodate Christmas, DSS coped fine with this, which blows a huge hole in DH's argument that "DSS is too sensitive to cope with minor changes of routine."

Any thoughts? Or am I flogging a dead horse?

I'm agog at the worktop fiasco. Why on earth didn't/couldn't DP simply ask SS to move out of the way ?

Petal .... really not having a go but why didn't you ask him ? Yeah, you shouldn't need to but maybe at least you'd have accomplished something. Would DP have objected to this ?

Notwithstanding the fact it's odd he wanted to come at all ......

Just come back to this thread

With regard to the wedding invite I would ask dss now which weekend would you prefer to come instead as we are away on xx - the one before or the one extra?

With regards to you doing household stuff like counter shopping, get up early and tell him that you're just popping out to do x and you see him later could he get xyz ready for lunch

one extra - one after!!!

Completely agree with the "popping out to do x" strategy - if he is really insistent on coming along could you presuade him to have a drink at a cafe while you look around on his own?

Completely agree with the popping out here too, DSD (19) probably would come along, but that's because she's loving the transition to adulthood, and being treated as an adult with her opinions listened to!!!

WRT the wedding I would explain that you can't do that weekend and suggest let him choose whether to switch to the one after. In general I'd begin suggesting the occasional ad hoc change but letting them go along with the idea of it being a one off

What about suggesting he has a friend to come with him one weekend? Maybe there's someone he socialises with

I would have thought that at 17/18 it would be a case of 'dad I'm doing xy&z is that ok?'
I don't know the history here but it just seems a little bizarre to be following a rota at this age.

He sounds very immature and socially inept. Good idea to encourage a friend to "come along with".

I think this kid is very unhappy.

To be fair to DH, he?s done his best to encourage DSS to bring friends over for the weekend. There is boy from his school that he mentions occasionally, and DH has frequently offered to take him to/from his house, but DSS isn?t interested.

He also got invited to a Christmas party last month, it fell on an access weekend and DH was only to pleased to be ?Dad?s taxi? but again, DSS didn?t want to go, I couldn?t work out if he felt he shouldn?t be going out on an access weekend (ie that all such time should be spent with his Dad), or if he enjoys his time at our house so much that he didn?t want to do anything different.

But given DSS has elected NOT to have any sort of life beyond of the access rota, despite DH?s encouragement, at what point can we say that as he?s been too lazy to create anything for himself, that he?s now too old to ?hitch a ride? onto our lives EOW?

I know that sounds awfully harsh when I?ve just re-read it, and I don?t mean it to sound quite so dreadful, but having to take him practically everywhere with us, and trying to devise DSS-friendly activities is just bizarre and so inappropriate given his age. I?m not suggesting we never take him out again, but at what point can we reasonably decide that he can?t append himself to us indefinitely?

Please don?t think I?m suggesting we reduce contact, but when it is it appropriate to decide that we can venture to Tesco on an access weekend without taking him with us, or could (god forbid) DH and I go out for a quiet lunch on an access weekend without him playing gooseberry. It?s like if he?s under our roof, then we have to entertain him. Whereas surely if DH and his ex wife were still together (and DSS were still very apathetic) they?d just go about their usual business and leave him at home. But as DH only sees him on alternate weekends, he feels the needs to be a Butlins-style entertainments manager, and it creates a very unhealthy dynamic.

Having him trailing around with us is starting to seem a bit freaky. I will now hide under my desk as I expect large objects to come flying in my direction.

As a parent, I think I would in some ways be quite pleased that DS wanted to come shopping / lunch with us rather than sitting at home in front of a screen vegitating.

However, what I would REALLY prefer is that DS is out with friends or doing homework, playing sport and generally having a life of his own.

I think the problem is because your DSS doesn't do anything else, coming shopping with you is more sociable than doing nothing at all so I can see why your DP doesn't really want to curtail it.

You're right Redhen, DH would rather DSS were doing more age-appropriate stuff, but in the absence of that, would rather he were with us than attached to his X-box. But if (god forbid) he doesn't go to Uni, and therefore doesn't break the cycle, at what age will all this finally become 'not right'?

I'd say he's already pleanty old enough to be left alone for periods of time whilst you and DH go out shopping, etc.

But in terms of no longer feeling a need to do stuff with him, and expecting him to really have his own life - then you've probably got to wait til after he's finished A levels. At the moment he is a boy that was sitting GCSEs only 6 months back - right? Yes, most have social lives at that age, but some boys especially do grow up slowly. Maybe he didn't go to the party because he's lacking confidence in groups? Would try again to see if he has just one friend he'd like to do something with - might be easier for him than parties.

Make the most of his lack of social life, to ensure he has pleanty of time to study so he does get to University!

I kind of understand as well. DP wants to make sure your DSS is socialising in some way, even if it is with a pair of oldies! (no offence petal!) Do either of you have friends with teenage kids so he could do things with you and them?