It's all gone horribly wrong

[NotaDisneyMum]

DSS seems to have finally decided that he has had enough - he didn't want to talk to his mum when she called, DP explained that it might be best until he sees the counsellor that she gives him some space, and she has gone loopy; threatening to turn up on the doorstep, withhold contact etc etc, and has demanded to speak to DSS so he can "tell her himself".

DP has spoken to DSS and he has said that he wants to tell his mum not to call when he's here (there is a HUGE back-story regarding phone calls to him here and DSS often goes several days at a time without seeing/speaking to her even when he is with her when he is left in grandmas care anyway).
DSS mum has been deluging the house with calls, and as one of those calls has been answered, I'm assuming that DSS is telling his mum that indeed, he would prefer her not to call

Eugh - I've just given DP a hard time

When he was asked to "paint a picture" for the counsellor, he didn't mention some of the key things that he and I discussed last night, including (imo crucially) the fact that DSS knows that his mum doesn't want him to see his Dad. DP made lots of excuses as to why he didn't/couldn't tell the Cllr everything; but he has admitted that the bottom line is that he is intimidated by his exW still, and was avoiding confrontation

Also, DSS mum demanded 10 minutes alone with the Cllr before the session started - undoubtedly painting a negative picture of DP in advance (I realise that a good Cllr wouldn't allow that to influence them).

I'm really pissed; not only do I think that DP has let DSS down, but I am worried that he is still has a emotional attachment to his exW (not in a still-loves-her way, but in a she-has-the-ability-to-impact-on-his-emotions way) which I thought had been dealt with - I would have made very different life decisions, had I known

NADM - dh is a victim of abuse - it will still impact on him. You known this, you don't need me to tell you.

I know you feel hurt and disappointed but hopefully the counsellor will get more out of dss over time.

I know you feel he has let you all down, but he was as intimidated as if he was battered. It took me a long time to realise this.

Are there more sessions scheduled?
To qualify my comments - I don't know anything about counselling - but I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people withhold information at the start, as they might feel uncomfortable with giving up sensitive or embarrassing information.

My DH I think will always want to avoid confrontation.

As I have said before DH talks little about his previous life - I just base my opinions on why I know and how she emotionally abuses DCs.

There is no magic answer.

My advice - go and give DH a big hug and comfort each other.

MJ - thanks, I know that underneath and I'm not mad at him, sad for DSS but realise that DP is doing his best

I am a bit concerned because my assumptions that he is able to stand his ground have been proven untrue - I'll need to post in legal I think - I've been a bit naive in that respect!

Right, I've sorted things out with DP and we've talked about the session; it sounds like DSS mum went in to see the counsellor first to tell her that DP was making a fuss about nothing and "DSS is fine at her house". Apparently, she sat through the whole session (the first is with both parents) with a face like thunder, staring at the wall, spoke not at all, and didn't make eye contact. I wonder what the counsellor made of that?

Unfortunately, the backlash has started, and I fear it is going to get worse. DSD (who has not spoken/acknowledged DP for a year) has written quite blatantly "I hate my Dad" as her Facebook status - we assume in response to her mums rantings about DP when she got home from the session (DSS is still with us til tomorrow). (DSD doesn't know about her Christmas presents yet, so it's not that).

What makes it worse is that the first response to DSD comment is from a male fuckbuddy colleague of her mums, who is also a family friend and who has been blatantly grooming DSD online for the last few weeks. For some inexplicable reason, DSD has not "unfriended" DP on Facebook, despite hating him, probably so that she can play games with him like this. This "family friend" made several sympathetic, poor you it's so sad your Dad is such a bastard type comments to DSD status, accompanied by hearts and kisses and the obligatory "babe" pet-name

I'm really glad you've sorted things out with DH - you've enough on your plates.

I'm sure it gave the counsellor a good picture of what's going on.

Re the Facebook - dsd has a friend whose father comments (about his daughter) on FB, as adults we think he is pathetic.

Re dsd - I'd remove her and block her because it's one less tool ex has to use dsd through.

FB is the devils spawn.

I imagine you are feeling at dss going back, but he will with you soon.

MJ DP has considered de-friending DSD several times, but it would give her mum more evidence that DP has abandoned her There was enough drama when I de-friended DSD soon after she told DP that she didn't want anything to do with me.

Also, DP is keeping an eye on DSD interactions with the older man who's flirting/grooming her - he's not her mums boyfriend (although it's clear something is going on) he's married and has loads of teenage girls as FB friends - and he's got loads of glamour photos that he's taken of female friends on his FB status there's enough to ring alarm bells, and DP may decide to do something proactive - especially as DSD is home alone a lot when DSS is here and her mum is working.

Sounds worrying :(.

I am off to collect dsd now - she has asked to spend day with me as long as I get her back before mum home - because being on her own all day is I guess acceptable - being with me and her siblings isn't.

She is an incredible young lady to know her own mind like that - a credit to you and her Dad

I wish DSD could be as independent - unfortunately, she is easily led by anyone, not just her mum - which is a worry in a 14 year old of low academic attainment - there are so many temptations

NADM - I wouldn't operate a 'wait and see' policy with DSD's online "friend". report him here - ceop.police.uk/

Be very objective about your concerns and they will look into it. If there is nothing to be concerned about then they won't follow it up, but they are very experienced at what they do and can judge whether someone is cause for concern. Best to do it now rather than wait for an icident.

My friend's DH works for ceop - none of his children, not even the 16yo have facebook and their internet security is like fort knox - although I believe that she's planning to get it as soon as she leaves home and not tell him