What happens about contact visits when DSC are unwell?

[NotaDisneyMum]

It is DSS weekend with us; he comes to us after school every other Thursday until Monday morning, as court ordered.

DP has just had a text from DSS mum saying DSS is too ill to go to school - and so he should pick DSS up from home at the time school finishes.

What do other people do in this situation? I'm concerned that if DSS is so unwell as to stay off school, then he needs to be at home, with his Mum. He's certainly not going to gain the benefit that the court ordered contact was put in place to provide, he's likely to be really miserable

Parent is a parent. My children go to whoever they are scheduled to go to unless they don't want to. Otherwaise Mum is for cleaning up sick and moaning about broccoli, and Dad is for going out and about and making MacDonald's happen. It's unfair. And it's not true that resident parents spend their days trying to make the non-res parent's life harder. They might be trying to make their own life easier, which is not the same at all. It can't be all fun and fairy cakes at dad's house, or the children end up seeing him as a Disney Dad.

"I'm sure his girlfriend thinks I want revenge...I don't, I would just like to have someone else who cares about my DC enough to make some effort occasionally."

I hear you but you can't make him or his girlfriend be a better "parent" than they are. I would love my ex to look after my son like I do, but he doesn't and he won't change, I wouldn't have left him if I thought he would. So my priority will always be my son and making sure he is happy and safe.

DP ex regularly gives DP a verbal beating about him not meeting the childrens health needs etc, but still wants to leave them with him when they are ill.

purple - sorry - it was agreed that DSS would stay with his mum last night to see how he was this morning; not sure if that was her idea or DPs?

She's just told DP that she didn't think DSS was well enough to go to school this morning but he didn't want to miss Friday activities, so she let him choose ! She didn't tell DP that though - just sent a txt saying he was at school

Anyway, DSS said that he wanted to go to mums house if he was ill, so he's gone - I'm sure that's partly because she's got a TV, DVD, games consoles to keep him occupied while he's curled up on the sofa - all we can offer is boardgames and books!

I can see why it's important both parents to take responsibility and care for DCs when they're not well, but if that's against a backdrop of the DCs spending significantly less time in one house and not being encouraged to consider it home, or even being alienated against adults in the non-resident household, then it makes it virtually impossible for the child to be as comfortable there as they would be in their primary home - and isn't it the DCs who matter?

That's nice she was able/willing to have him back. Sounds like communication between her and your DP wasn't great, and frustrating for you if you're left in the dark.

Hope he's better soon.

His girlfriend has nothing to do with our children, I don't expect her to be any kind of parent to our DC, they have 2 parents and she's not either of them.

My argument is that NRPs can't have it both ways - they want to see their children regularly but not if they're ill = they want the fun bits of parenting but not the messy bits.

Equally I think many women (both mums and stepmums) don't really help themselves with their belief that they are better with their sick child than their child's other parent. Just because men do it differently to us, doesn't mean we should step in and take over. I know my ex does things differently to me, our children (particularly our son) need to see that neither way is 'better' and that both parents have equal roles to play in all parts of parenting, and I can't force my ex but I'll keep trying to encourage him to do the less fun bits because I believe that if he did, it would be better for our children.

Petal02, I'm shocked at the A&E story.

Ballstoit, I agree with your assessment -nrps are often different parents - especially if they are the dad as men generally have a different approach to parenting. It works well when a couple are together as there is a balance. When parents are separated and a child is ill perhaps the requirement is for nurturing and that is typically the mum/female role. I would encourage a pragmatic approach to these situations - what is best for the child, forget who has to do it, or who ought to do it..It would be best if we could all think through the situation as we would for a friend and discuss the situation rather than impose the solution.

I would happily have dss when ill and would prefer if there was dialogue however that doesn't happen. He stays with mum if she decides that is what she wants, he goes to see Dad if she has made plans. DSS, now a teen, knows that it depends on her diary rather than his situation and his needs aren't the determining factor. Sadly some children feel enormous pressure to either stay with PWC or go with NRP.Ideally dc's should feel either situation is fine with both parents.

ballstoit - whether your exH girlfriend is 'a mother' to your DCs isn't your call to make, though - if your exH did have them when they were ill, then the issue of who gets up to them in the night, cuddles them, administers medicine etc is between them - when the DCs are in his care, you get no say as to who supports him, or even who he 'delegates' to.

I think 'common sense' should be the key phrase when a child is ill. I'm sure this prevails in most 'together' families, but in a step family there's often so much bitterness, mistrust and general bad feeling between the relevant parties, that common sense goes out the window.

In our household, and plenty of others by the sound of it, the access rota seems to be the over-riding factor, not the best interests of the child.

NotaDisneyMum When I say ex-H's GF has nothing to do with my children, I mean she has never met them as apparently there is not enough room in her house for my DC to have overnight contact there (although there is room for ex-H's older children from his previous relationship to stay every other weekend ). My ex-H stays at my house once a fortnight to have contact with our children, I go and stay elsewhere.

I don't see how his girlfriend has any role in parenting children she has never met, and that's ex-H and his girlfriend's choice as they choose not to make space for my DC in their home.

ballstoit - yours is obviously an unusual situation, and your generosity to your exH is commendable - my tolerance of my exH would not extend to allowing him to spend time in my home

I've not always been so generous, but if not he'd never have them for more than a couple of hours. I do enjoy the odd night to myself as well, although it'd be even nicer in my own bed. Just hope he manages to make room to have the DC somewhere else in the next 14 years

Does the child get a say? He might feel so totally rotten that he doesn't feel like conforming to everybody's expectations and move between houses. Then again he might feel happier with his dad looking after him. Who knows? unless someone asks him of course

Normally my DSDs would choose to stay home with their mum (mind you we don't have specific access days, they are teens so it's very informal), it may be different if we had a car - we live in the same town but it's still 2 buses between us so understandably they don't want to travel. It's never come up as they want to stay home anyway, but it'd be better if they weren't here if it was a D&V bug, as their brother and sister (well, half siblings but we don't use that term :)) are only 2 and 4, DD was incredibly ill and hospitalised with norovirus once so I would never knowingly expose her to it.

When one of them gets unwell while they are here, they stay until they're better.

One DSD always wants to stay when she's on her period - she's really struggling with them and I gather her mum is anything but supportive, yelling at her for stained knickers/sheets etc. but that's a whole other thread sorry for rant!

Oh that's so sad about your dsd's periods.

It reminds me, my ( I actually call her dd, her bio mum buggered off , long story...) lives with us and when she started her periods my dh bought her some "torpedo's"... The next period , she asked him to buy her some "tornado's".... Periods and their paraphernalia have many strange euphemisms in this house

Ug I wish my Exp's GF thought like the OP!! My DD has been poorly and wants to stay with me and I am pilloried for wanting to keep her here to look after her and protect all of them for her upset stomach! After all its likely to have spread to me already seems unfair to inflict their children when there is really no need too - upset tums are hardly fun to share!!

(its transpires the sickness is because she doesnt want to go to his though thats a whole other issue point is the same though)

The thing is there's two sides to this, depending on how the relationship between the two exes is. In our case, shortly after the court case (where the mum was told that the only acceptaable grounds for cancelling were if she was taking SD on holiday - which she does, and gives us no warning whatsoever about) she suddenly announced that SD hhad chickenpox and therefore couldn't come as I was pg with D.

In our case, this was on the back of many ridiculous refusals to allow contact (including DH not having a car seat (he did), she (mother) had a sore eye, she didn't have time, SD had a party to go to, SD's step-grandfather was home from working away, she was packing for SD to go away, etc., etc.,). To this day, she refuses to discuss contact face to face (court-ordered two years ago) because she is too busy. The only acceptable time is at pick-up or drop-off. She can't do any other time as she 'has no transport' in that she means she doesn't drive and is therefore incapable of any other means of getting around.

We smelled a rat with the chickenpox, I was immune, so we took her anyway. SD was over the moon to see us. To refuse would have meant constant last-minute texts about how SD was too ill this week,

Its hard enough being 'normal' with a kid you only see 24hrs a week, without reducing contact further because she has the sniffles.

My DSSs have always come to us if they are unwell. In fact, sometimes they have come to us because they are unwell and there is no adult but me to take care of them. Sometimes they have passed on their bugs to me and DD as a result.

This is family life, with its trials and tribulations and fair share of bugs!