What arrangements do you have for Christmas?

[eslteacher]

Coming up to my third Christmas as a step-parent, and as usual it all feels quite stressful and imposible to organise something that will please all parties. I was wondering how the rest of you managed Christmas, what is reasonable and what isn't.

I'm in a pretty complicated situation which involves

• family sprinkled over two countries (France and the UK)
• DP and I both being only children therefore feeling obligated to both be with our parents for Christmas
• the fact that in France the Christmas period is very short, as Boxing day doesn't exist, and if Christmas Day falls on a weekend, like this year, you don't get the Monday off as a bank holiday, you're expected to just go back to work.

DP and his ex (who lives very close to us) always used to share DSS over the Christmas period, alternating who had him on Christmas Day itself each year. This arrangement always worked really well and I know the ex is keen to keep it that way. There is no formal agreement between them, they just work everything out on an ad hoc basis, and have a good relationship still.

But now from my POV, it would be a lot easier if we just alternated who had DSS over the entire Christmas period each year, to enable us to sometimes spend it in the UK with my family (which includes my 93 year old grandmother who can't possibly travel to France but has no other family except my parents and I). Is this a reasonable thing to suggest, or do you think not?

Actually, a big part of me thinks not, that DSS should be able to see both his mum and dad over every Christmas period...and that it should be me who makes the sacrifice of either spending Christmas with my parents and grandmother OR with my DP and DSS and DP's parents. Having them all together is probably just a selfish dream, Sigh. I think just typing this out has made me realise this is one of those times when you just have to make a step-motherly sacrifice and put yourself last...

Usually dsc turn up mid morning , open presents with dd and play, eat body weight In crisps and then go back to their mothers for late lunch (she lives locally). They then appear at random intervals but as they are 19/21 , Christmas more about catching up with mates than their family.

That said all hell would break loose if they didn't have lunch with mum and never has there been any suggestion of taking turns.

After years and years of being totally messed about by EXW, we now do the "we are here and you are welcome to come, whatever you want, we dont mind" or the "we are not here this Christmas but are around at New Year" approach as otherwise exw will use some kind of control mechanism and make last minute changes. So we never make an assumption or build anything around DSCs being here or not - although one is now living with us - if he wanted to go to his mum's, or rather if she were to even invite him and him want to go, that would be cool, but she wont.

We are NOT going to have our time or expectations disrupted or ruined by EXW's demands any more. It was actually my DH who decided this after a number of disappointments - he just said one day - we are not playing into her hands any more. No more fixed access weekends (which she always changed whenever she felt like it, and chose to stop access altogether whenever she wanted) and the relief from that decision was amazing! She couldnt believe it - after months of her chosing to refuse access she went mad when we said, we'll just let you know when we're available.

We knew she couldnt last for long without having a break so we'd stick with it and then she would literally beg - or even drive round and bring the kids to the doorstep saying you have to have them!!!
So we just do what we do - go for a walk in the morning, go to church sometimes, I go and visit my mum in her nursing home, we have dinner later in the day and sometimes my sister and partner come, other times it is just us. We have a lovely time no matter what.
Dont let her ruin your festive season!