DH just left me with 2 poorly kids and DSD - what do i do now?

[littlemissliedto]

My DH has left me.

He has left behind his 15yo daughter my DSD, our DS who is 5 and our beautiful 7 week old DD - what a mug I must be as I really didn't see it coming. He has someone else, since Christmas apparently. I feel numb. I found out by accident (overheard a conversation while i was in ITU after a complication of the birth and then went through his phone), though he looked relieved and packed his bags. He couldn't get away quick enough, though he emptied our joint account on the way out!

My baby DD has been diagnosed with CDH so needs an op next week to have her hips broken and reset. He's told me he'll check with "Joanne" if they have anything planned and will "try" to look after the other children but if it comes to it, doesn't see why i have to stay at the hospital - nurses are there to look after my DD! Not only that but when she has it done she will be in plaster (from chest to ankle) for at least 6 months and I don't know how i am going to manage. He won't help me.

DSD mum doesn't want her back. DH can't have her with him (he isn't ready to tell the children about Joanne yet!) and she wants to stay with me. I don't mind, I love her and so do my kids. The shame and gumiliation, i had to phone her mum and tell her he'd left - she insisted on details and then phoned him and gave him a bollocking.

Kids back at school this week and of course, I'm hot gossip. 2 poorly kids (my DS just got a diagnosis he is deaf and has had hearing aids) and her husband has walked out, any1 know why?!? You can all imagine.

I am angry (with him), I am scared (for my DD and this horrible op and that my DS may get bullied for his hearing aids). I don't want her anywhere near any of my kids. He isn't being helpful he sent me a text tonight saying he is aware he will miss out on the kids but has to do what he has to do. Now I am all alone with 3 kids, 2 of which have very new and different special needs I'm learning about and i don't know where to turn.

Its all too much - what am I going to do now?

:(

[brdgrl]

yes, look after the practicalities straight away. I promise you, you will find strength in doing so. those kids are so lucky to have you, and that jackass doesn't deserve any of you.

put all your sadness and anger into sorting out the benefits, getting a solicitor, asking for help. do ask for help, and don't think twice about other people's love of gossip or anything else - you have nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, i think you sound admirable and i am sure that you will find many people who only want to help. my heart goes out to you, it really does.

in years to come, you will have three lovely children and many happy moments in your life. i am sure it feels like the end of your world right now - but it is not.

[prettyfly1]

What a fucking wanker. I think the others have covered most of this:

1. Claim child ben for dsd (or dss) and apply to social services for an order dictating that you are her legal guardian and will foster privately.
   
2. Get thee to the bank and a lawyer to sort closing joint accounts, stopping all payments to him etc.
   
3. Ask said solicitor to include a letter to him asking for the return of the savings - take action to get it. It doesnt matter if its spent or not - it wasnt his and he can fucking pay it back.
   
4. Tax credits - apply right away for all three. It takes a while to go through so you have time to get the other forms.
   
5. Call your mum, sister - anyone who will give you the support you need.
   
6. DO NOT be afraid to rant, cry or get as upset as you like. You have been really hurt and are entitled to grieve.
   
7. If you get some time, give the house a really good scrub. Throw anything that reminds you of him away and alter things to your taste. Refuse to watch anything he likes, try to make sure you eat and dont answer abusive messages or texts. Inform him that he can communicate with you by email for now and save all correspondence in case you need it.
   
8. Hit the lone parents board as well. They are a good bunch, many in your position and will be a good support for you right now.
   

Honest to god what a mare for you. Un-mumsnetty hugs coming your way.

[Cavvie]

What an absolute bastard.

Sorry no advice but I can't believe someone can be so bloody heartless.

Best wishes to you and your family.

[glasscompletelybroken]

littlemissliedto - How are you doing this morning?

[Snapespeare]

Just wanted to say that I admire you immensley for your care and concern of dsd. She needs stability now and although everything in your world has just been thrown up in the air, you are the only grown-up in her life acting with integrity and responsibility. You will be absolutely fine, I promise, you seem very very strong, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. :)

[mummytime]

Do also talk to your Health visitor and the hospital. I'm afraid it won't be the first time they've heard of something similar. But they might be able to offer help or put you in contact with someone who can.
Thanks for everything you are doing for your DSD, have you spoken to her school yet?

[Petal02]

Just wanted to send you a HUGE hug and tonnes of moral support. xx

[planetpotty]

Hope you're getting on ok littlemiss :)

[littlemissliedto]

Hello everyone - thanks for your messages.

I'm doing ok thank you... have had a rough few days but I have turned a corner and will NEVER take him back or waste one of my precious tears on the bastard!

stupid me, turns out Joanne wasn't the first but to be honest after seeing a picture of her (including parts of her I would rather NOT have seen!!!), I can only describe her as "trailer trash"! If he wasn't friends with the DSD and some younger members of the family, the picutre she sent him of her fingers inserted you all know where, I'd hack his facebook and post it as his profile picture, change his password and sit back and enjoy the show!

Final score : Wife and children 1 - Dirty, slag lacking self respect 0!

:)

[lateatwork]

hi. i havent read all the posts... he sounds like a real charmer though. I cant help with any of the financial stuff, but I suggest calling Homestart. They offer 3 hours (I think) assistance each week to some families- its run by volunteers and is free. Each area has different qualifying criteria- so you will need to call. But I think any assistance you can get would be helpful right now. My friend is a volunteer and she helps out a mum with a disabled child. I know quite a few twin/triplet mums who also get assistance through this organisation. In my area, it isnt means tested, but is based on age (ie they target young people) but other areas dont, and some means test- so it pays to call!!

hope all goes much better from here on in....

[LEMONAIDE]

I dont have much in the way of practical help but I just wanted to say I am overwhelmed by what a complete selfish arses your ex and his family are.

I know you are probably micro examining what went wrong in your head and how you "missed" the signs that this was going on please be reassured that most of us have a similar twat in our past (luckily I never married or had children with mine) Emotionally stunted men like this are very good at putting areas of their lives into "compartments" you have done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve this and the best revenge you can get is to move on without looking back - it may seem difficult to believe but at some point you will get to lunch time and suddenly realise that for the first time you havent thought about him at all.

I did have a bit of a wicked laugh at the thought of putting that photo of "Joanne" as his fb profile (the girl my ex was carrying on with was called that too!)...probably best to keep that idea as a fantasy LOL. Rest assured if he did this to you he will do the same to her eventually (mine left her for someone old enough to be his mum...and yes I did have a brief moment of gleeful amusement!)

Take care of yourself and grab all the help you can get with both hands - this is when MN comes into its own you will find tons of people on here with practical and emotional support.

[HomemadeCakes]

Hi there,

I have absolutely no experience so can't offer you any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are such a strong woman and are coping amazingly - you will be an exceptional role model for your children, including your DSD. I'm not at all surprised that she wants to stay with you .

With all the advice that you've had from MNers, you will absolutely make it through and in 6 months you will feel like a different woman!

Go girl!

Good luck.

xx

[littlemissliedto]

Thank you xxx