getting worked up about what may never happen...but still!

[brdgrl]

so, on the tail-end of a pretty spectacular (unrelated, sort of) argument with DH - during the making-up stage, really, he drops casually into the conversation "DSD thinks that she wants to take a gap year and work before going to art college."

Now, let me say right off the bat that this is two years away. Lots could change, so no point in getting worked up, etc, etc. But I am pretty annoyed that a) she clearly presented it all as if it were a decision solely up to her - that of course she could decide to live at home for another year and just present that to us... And I am pretty annoyed that DH didn't seem to think it had anything to do with me.

DH thinks this is good because it shows that DSD is thinking about the fact that she will need money for art college. I think - it is a load of bull. It goes against everything DSD has said or indicated about her expectations.

I think that DSD has two long summers ahead of her, to work and put some money aside for uni. I think that DSD can work part-time while at art college. I think that we have a certain amount set aside to help DSD out with fees. I think she may have to look into other options as well, because we are not well-off people. If one of those options is working for a year first, I think she had damn well better have a job. I think that we strongly suggested to DSD that she look into a summer job this year, and she did nothing about it. I think that DSD slept until noon every day, watched a helluva lot of telly, and went out with her friends, while we gave her a generous allowance. I think that DSD imagines a gap year in which she will sleep until noon, watch a helluva lot of telly, and go out with her friends, while we give her a generous allowance. I think that after several months of this, she MAY get a part-time job, the pay for which will go towards going out with her friends.

Some back story here - we are living in another country from my family (aging parents, siblings, nephews, cousins, etc). It has been understood between DH and I that we will move back to my home country, where I want DD to be educated and to know her extended family. (Neither DH nor I has extended family here.) It has also been understood that we will wait at least until DSD finishes school, because DH feels that is what is best for her. It has been very, very hard for me since DD was born - like, nervous breakdown hard - and I have come very close to taking DD and going back home on our own. But now instead of two years until DSD finishes school, suddenly it is looking like - who knows? As far as I am concerned, if we do decide to move, we're not going to 'undecide' because DSD has changed her mind about art college.

And if we DID stay here longer - like until DSS finishes school as well - we'd talked about either moving to a smaller house that will be more affordable, OR if our finances improve and we can stay in this house, we'd agreed that DSD's room would become DD's room when DSD finished school. DD is basically in the box room now. So if DSD decides to stay home another year - again as far as I am concerned - DD gets the bigger room and DSD can move to the tiny room. (DSS has a nice room already.) But she won't be expecting that, I can tell you, even though we told her when we moved in here that it was her room until she was out of school.

Oh, I know! Getting ahead of myself here.
DSD and I are getting along pretty well these days, actually. And I love her, in that 'she's family even when she infuriates me' way. But we've been making every decision in our relationship, for so long now, based on what is 'best' for her (and not for DSS or DD, or ourselves - it is quite unbalanced and there is so, so , so much more to it than I can really go into right here). But I feel so - let down, I guess. I've been hanging on by a slim thread sometimes, thinking well, two more years and things will be really different. And the feeling I get that no one will even consult me about any of it....ugh.

I think a partner and a child are both priorities of equal and different proportion. Both needs should be considered and a suitable compromise found to all situations.

I think women are naturally the homemakers (generalising, I know) and having no say in your own home is going to be difficult in particular more for women for this reason.

muckybogstain - I really do feel that you are projecting your own experiences onto a whole group of women you know nothing about.

And how do you account for stepmothers experiencing difficulties with stepsons? (if it's all about a female struggle )

MBS as said by others you are projecting your own issues onto the OP. At no point does she come across as being threatened by her SD, and as a Stepparent (woman) myself, I dont feel threatened by my SD. I do however, like the OP have issues when I get get no say in things. I think unless you have been a Stepparent yourself, you cant really know how it is, even if you did have a hard time as a SK yourself

Xpost allnew - sorry

I don?t think it?s a case of feeling threatened, and as an earlier poster pointed out, what about those of us with step-sons? That rather punctures the theory!

It?s more a case of skewed dynamics ? normally the parents/adults make the decisions, NOT the children. You?d never find the mother being excluded from decision-making in a ?together? family, that would be ridiculous. I once read a great post about separated fathers, who are so desperate to keep their children on side, that they elevate them to the position of spouse, giving them an almost adult role in the household ? the name for this is ?spousification? and it?s very apt indeed.

Thats part of the point I was trying to make - its predominantly husbands/partners who are not parenting properly which causes these issues. Why as a step mum/wife/partner are you not allowed your opinion and a voice.

Surely once you all agreed to live as a family normal family dynamics should take over (although with some limitations) I cant comprehend living in a house with DSD and not having any say on what happens when she is with us or for the future.

I believe the problem the OP is having is with her husband and not the DSD and that is the relationship which needs adressing.

if when the DSD is older though and decides she wants a gap year at aged 18 - would parents/step-parents stop her from doing so? I think at that age she is pretty much able to decide for herself (and of course fund herself by working). There's no guarantee or indication that her intention would be to stay at home. I think there's a bit of over-reaction going on here as the DH said DSD is thinking of... Nothing is set in stone and it is two years hence in any case. If she didnt get a job through choice this summer and was given a generous allowance - to be honest I think the parenting needs looking at. Why would a teenager be motivated to go and get a job if there was money being given to them without being "earnt" anyway?
I agree the issue is between the parent and step-parent but I dont understand the demonisation of the child (who is still a child at this stage).

Petal that is absolutely right, this is what happened in my relationship.

It got to the point where Dh and his DD used to sneak out and do the shopping together purposely excluding me from it so that she made major decisions on the family groceries. A 14 year old making major family decisions? I was left at home like one of the children waiting to see what the adults had brought back from the shop.

They would text each other behind my back making secret plans and decisions whilst I was left non the wiser. On one occasion we decided as a family not to allow the children on school trips that cost over £300. That was until she came home with a £400 trip in which the two of them decided between them "we" could afford. I had no say in it whatsoever.

It came to a creepy conclusion when everytime I went out I came home to her hairdryer etc on MY bed suggesting she'd been in there playing the role of the woman of the house.

Honestly it makes you just want to pack your bags and leave them to it.

I remember reading a post on here once where a woman was saying if she ever gets out of bed during the night to go to the toilet she finds her DSD in her place (actually in the bed) when she returns.

Mouldy - that's another excellent post. Sadly, I think your DH allowed that sort of behaviour due to 'disney' tendancies, and his desperation to stay in favour with his daughter over-rides any rational decisions/parenting.

It's not just a father/daughter thing either - my DH/DSS often spend hours in the evening texting each other (when DSS is at his mother's), there's something almost furtive about it. And funnily enough, the ex has commented on this too - she once said to DH "I just don't trust you and DSS when you're together, I always wonder what you're plotting", and that's about the only thing that me and the ex have ever agreed on. It's like DH/DSS have got this exclusive club of two, and I didn't get married and create a nice home to spend half my life feeling like the runt of the litter ....

I know exactly how you feel Petal. DH and his DD once came home from a car boot sale with the most hideous clock you've ever seen. It was a cat's face (I hate cats at the best of times, as they well know) and it's eyes were little clocks and it had a big clock below it's face. It looked like it had been stolen from the archives of an old folks home. Gross. I said to DH "where the hell did that come from??" and he said "oh, DD bought it for the living room" I told him ADULTS choose how to decorate the living room, not the kids and there was no way in hell that disgusting thing was going anywhere near the living room. If she wanted it in HER bedroom - fair enough but the living room is for the ADULTS to decorate. He reluctantly told her to take it to her room. I later read a text from her on his phone saying "omg shes so god dam selfish she thinks like the most important person and that she owns the place!" errr - I DO own the fecking place!!!! remember!? I suppose it's funny in a way, just how deluded they can become.

I bet the OP wouldn't chuck her own DD out of her bedroom once she hits 16 to make room for the younger kids.

Maybe your stepkids and their dad's create an exclusive club because its the only time they get to spend any time together because their step mother always finds a way to force them apart.

Mucky but why the insistence upon creating imagined situations in your own head, which have nothing to do with the actual post. All this "because their step mother always finds a way to force them apart"

You are very determined to paint the evil step-mother picture here. Let's start talking about facts rather than in fairytale speak?

Its obvious from the OP and subsequent posts!

Step mother wants dsd thrown out of big bedroom to make room for prefered child (this happened to me when younger half sister was born and I've never forgiven).

DSS not allowed to text his dad otherwise it's "secrets" but I bet preferred child is allowed to text his or her parents!

DSD not allowed to go to the shops with her dad incase god forbid she might want to buy something! do preferred children never buy anything in the shops either then?

You don't even realise how obvious you all are.

Well, its not obvious to me! I've a stepson and a son. My stepson is fab, he's the big boy in our family and no-one can take his place. My son is fab too, he's the little boy in our family and no-one can take his place.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - the hardest thing about being a step parent is not being able to talk about the very real and complex issues - when I moan about my son's toddler tantrums, everyone laughs along. When I moan about my stepson's table manners, quite a few people question if I love him. Which says a lot more about those people than it does about me or my stepson.

MuckyBogStain - I'm really sorry your childhood holds such sad and upsetting memories for you. I'm proud to say I'm working really hard to do the best I can for my stepson, so hopefully he will feel differently.

Brdgrl - quite agree it must be hell to not be consulted - these decisions have major implications for the whole family and should therefore be a whole family decision.

muckybogstain - you clearly had some terrible experiences. But I really don't think it's doing you any good to 'relive' that through imagined situations you're projecting onto other posters.

No-one said 'not allowed'. In fact, talking of not allowed, it's you on this thread not allowing posters to make points without twisting them to suit your own agenda. All this "preferred child" - you're the only person using those words

"when I moan about my son's toddler tantrums, everyone laughs along. When I moan about my stepson's table manners, quite a few people question if I love him"

That point is spot on. My eldest DS was unwilling/unable to use a knife and fork until the age of 13. When I told him to use his knife, DH would give me a look and say I was always having a go. However, tonight, we were both actively encouraging DS, aged 3, to use his knife and fork properly. With my own son, I am allowed to voice my opinion. When I do so with regard to my DSSs, my motives are always in question.

I want to thank the posters who actually 'get' what's going on here and are being supportive. I think it's just as you've said - when it comes to stepkids, people are quick to question your feelings, motivations or character.

And MBS, yes - you are projecting, and it is quite offensive. You choose to believe a certain picture of my situation. I could tell you that you are mistaken, but that seems rather pointless. You have read quite a bit into my posts that is not there, and assumed some things about my life with my kids which are quite false.

A couple of posters have found my OP "shocking", which is a bit strange - again, if I were posting about my own DD in a similar context, I think I could have said the same things about my own expectations, and no one would be shocked. And as has been pointed out - the problem would be much easier for me and my DH to cope with if it were my own DD, because everyone would assume that I had some decision-making powers.

I doubt there is any point to me trying to set you straight about my feelings or motivations, or even about the nature of my relationship with my DH or DSCs, but I do think I should at least correct a couple of factual errors.

"Im not sure if this has made me sad or angry - your SD is just going into yr 10 and you are already resenting the fact she might want a gap year together with the fact she has to vacate her room the moment her GCSE's are over - this itself is wrong. "
The problem I have is not her taking a gap year, in itself. But expecting to live at home and be supported if not working fulltime during that year.
And secondly, no one is saying anything about vacating her room when her GCSEs are over. I said that when she finishes school, when she is 18, that she will have to give up her room. 18, not 16. And no, I don't think that is wrong, not the slightest, tiniest, bit.

"I bet the OP wouldn't chuck her own DD out of her bedroom once she hits 16 to make room for the younger kids. "
Right - have we got this? At 18, not at 16. Big difference, people.
And whatever assumptions you care to make, I can only tell you this - if the kids ages were reversed - if DSD were the 3-year -old, and DD the 18-year-old....yes, I'd still be telling the 18-year-old that she had to give up the larger room.

She got her GCSE results today, by the way. We all had a day out to celebrate. She did quite well, and I am proud. I was out of town when the post arrived, and she sent me a text to tell me what her marks were. My DH sent me another text to thank me for helping with her studying.

Of course, someone will find a way to tell me that I have no right to be proud of her, as she's not 'my' daughter. Or that I must secretly want her to fail. Or that I am interfering because I had expectations about her studying. Or god knows what.

Can't win. Case in point:
"If she didnt get a job through choice this summer and was given a generous allowance - to be honest I think the parenting needs looking at. Why would a teenager be motivated to go and get a job if there was money being given to them without being "earnt" anyway?"
OK, so now we are bad parents because we give her pocket money (which, not that it really matters, she does do chores to 'earn'). But if I the dreadful stepmum posted that we had decided to stop giving her pocket money - I'd get an earful about that.

sorry - one more factual clarification, ladydeedy. In this situation, the whole point was that YES, her intention, should she follow through on her current plan, is to stay at home. I agree that at 18 it would be up to her to make her own decision about a gap year, uni, work, whatever! But to expect to continue to live at home under the same circumstances she does now, and receive financial support is another matter. My further point is that we may decide to move home ourselves, and the option would not be available to her.

That's not clear from your original post, if I may say so, as you only refer to the comment made by your DH that "DSD thinks that she wants to take a gap year and work before going to art college."

That does not imply that she's going to not work, neither does it imply that she's going to live with you during that year.

Everything else you've mentioned is purely speculation on your part. If as you now say she does intend to spend that year living with you, well so be it. If you move she'll need to make other plans. Seems fairly straightforward.

well, i suppose the less straightforward part is that she may have to make other plans even if we don't move.

"I said to DH "where the hell did that come from??" and he said "oh, DD bought it for the living room" shock I told him ADULTS choose how to decorate the living room, not the kids and there was no way in hell that disgusting thing was going anywhere near the living room."

MC, we've had that discussion here as well - when we moved into the new house. Adults make the decorating decisions - it was a shock to DSD, but she's accepted it now.

(And no, I don't let DD decorate either, lol!)

brdgrl you do realise, you're in a no win situation, don't you?

I have 3 steps. The eldest is delightful, the middle one has just got his first ever paid employment (he's at Uni) and the youngest, at 17 has had a tantrum because I've asked her, in strong terms, to "tidy" her room......Once, in 2 years. The two eldest don't live at home, the 17 yr old does....with her mum. SD visits us every other weekend and on a midweek pattern. She has now told her dad (my dH) that she may not be up to visiting for some time. This, she knows, will upset him.

In essence, when this young lady is allowed to treat our home like a squat (that's what her room looked and smelled like, and her dad agreed) and unbeknown to us, allow drunken teenagers to use our master bedroom, while we were away for a (rare) weekend without asking, without telling us or changing the bedding before we then returned and got in it - then, all is well in her world The fact that her dad supported my decision to say "enough..... Sort this room out and don't EVER use our bed again" has caused her to spit the dummy.

My point? You, me, step parents generally, cannot win. And I don't mean "win" in a childish way..... I mean, I thought things were ok between us all, I thought I'd been reasonable having ignored certain behaviours in order to keep the peace. Actually, what has happened is sd wants her dad to uphold her stance and he hasn't and he (and I) will be punished accordingly.

Frankly, it gets on my sodding nerves.