Growing up - or not...

[glasscompletelybroken]

It seems to be a common thing amoungst step-children to be very immature in their abliity or willingness to do the most basic things for themselves - such as dressing, choosing clothes, organising their school stuff, even eating!

I would guess this is all linked to the seperated parents wanting to "make it up" to the kids and not expect too much of them. It really makes me despair though as to how these kids will ever manage in the real world.

Surely the whole purpose of child rearing is to produce independant adults who are capable of looking after themselves!

I haven't been reading the MN forums lately but was so relieved to see this when I logged in today.

Since I have no children of my own, I've never had a good grasp of what is considered to be "normal" behaviour for children. I find myself rambling down memory lane and thinking back to my own childhood for some kind of reference. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the rules and guidelines from the '70s just don't apply to today's kids!

My DSS is 11-years-old and I'm often puzzled and frustrated by his lack of independence. Until earlier this year he was unable to pour himself a glass of juice. He still can't use a knife and fork properly. The idea of him making toast is absurd and laundry is a completely foreign concept. When I read about other children his age who have real chores, I feel discouraged and disappointed by my DSS's lack of basic life skills.

On the bright side, I came home from grocery shopping last week to discover that DP and DSS spent an hour doing housework. DSS said, "I've never hoovered before in my life," and he almost seemed proud of the accomplishment (of course he spent the rest of the weekend in front of his computer but hey, I'm thankful for small miracles). I really have no complaints about DP who, thankfully, doesn't suffer from the Disney Dad syndrome. I do, however, have a lot of opinions about his ex but I'll save that for another post!

We have tried using a chore chart (mainly to teach him about how to earn and save money, but also to introduce him to basic life skills). Unfortunately, because we only have him every second weekend (and the odd day inbetween), it was really difficult to keep chores on a schedule. Truth be told, my DP and I were also lazy about enforcing the chore schedule. Instead I've decided to introduce the idea of a job jar where each job is assigned a ? value. It will be a voluntary system so he'll only need to do chores when he wants extra pocket money. The idea is to have a specific time when we all take jobs from the jar so it's more of a family thing, not just him doing chores on his own. Am I being naive to think this will work? Sadly, he's not a terribly motivated boy (can I say 'lazy' or does that make me a b?) and I constantly struggle with how much I'm supposed to be involved in the parenting side of things.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a rant -- just so many frustrations and, as I read in another post, step-parenting can be so lonely sometimes.

I think the thing about a job jar/chores for cash is that it relies on a kid that age "needing" cash. If he gets pocket money from his mother or elsewhere, the incentive might not be there. On the other hand, if you uise the job jar but make it non-optional, that might work well - you could say 'ok, it's jobs time!' and each (you and DP too) pull a job and do them at the same time like you suggest, and give him the money for it - but not let him just say "nah, not interested!"

I know it varies from home to home, but I really believe that while it is ok to give pocket money that is linked to chores, and it is a good way to get them the money they need to do things (better than just handing over wads of cash on demand!) it is also important for kids to get the message that they just have to chip in because they are part of the family and need to contribute. I had to compromise a bit on this with DSCs (getting them to do chores at all was a big change), but with my own DD as she gets older, she will have some jobs that she just has to do, "for free".

Teaching a boy that age to make some simple meals is good, too - my DSS is reluctant about his chores, but he does take some pride in being able to fix a few easy things - mostly on 'his' night we have ready-meals, but he has learned to do a simple stir-fry, which he enjoys, and he can now fix his own toast, heat soup, etc...

brdgrl I am so grateful for your advice!

He has no chores to do at home (from what I can tell) and the only pocket money he gets is from us. He has a terrible habit of losing expensive things (an unfortunate trait he's inherited from his mother) only to have them replaced by his grandparents (his mother's parents) so I've been struggling to find ways to demonstrate the importance of taking responsibility for his possessions. You're absolutely right in that he has no interest in pitching in unless he's looking for cash, I was thinking of doing the 'family chore time' thing, too. It's not the way I would choose to handle chores (I also agree with some jobs just being a contribution to the family for 'free') but I'm still figuring out the boundaries of being a step-parent. I also get really fed up with feeling like a cook and maid for someone else's child.

We've also started teaching him how to make simple meals, too. It's a way for DP and DSS to spend some real time together and it gives me a break from having to prepare bland, child-friendly food (a pet peeve of mine, I'm afraid). I'm stubbornly determined to introduce him to new foods, no child should live on processed food alone! (again, insert my naive attitudes towards parenting here) He's really not that interested and his contribution to making the meal is negligible but hopefully he'll be thankful in the future when he's not completely useless in the kitchen!

I really sympathise, I've read/heard about a lot of these situations and "Disney Dads".

It is not at all inevitable though. I'm a stepmum, DH is a wonderful dad to his older DCs - and by wonderful I mean fair and willing to discipline, and by dad I mean dad not best mate!

He does feel guilt about how they were brought into the world (his ex was emotionally abusive/blackmail etc), he went for custody but lost even though his ex readily admits doesn't particularly like their DDs :( - he hates not being there all the time. Of course he wants to make it up to them. But he knows that the best way to do that is to be a proper dad, not to spoil them - that doesn't help them in the long run.