Advice needed....partner with kids, brand new and don't know what to do

[SteelCityGirl]

I've had a look at some of the other threads on here before posting and am pretty sure I'm going to get some sound advice.

My partner has a beautiful 2 year old daughter from a brief relationship (four months), all over and done with before he met me. I like spending time with her and we seem to get on well, although my experience of kids is pretty limited. It's not her, it's her mum who I am struggling with. I want to be supportive of my partner but feel as though I am losing myself, taking my holiday time to spend with him and his daughter, while her mum has time to herself with her latest man. She's making plans for a ski-ing trip next year and I only find out about this over drinks with friends when my partner tells me he's taking a week off to be with his daughter. We don't get much time together as it is and I can feel I am starting to become resentful of the situation. Perhaps this says something about the relationship I have with my partner, I don't know.

How do I say something without sounding like a spoilt brat myself? I accept that I am the adult and children come first. It's honestly not the little one, I just feel it's so unfair that her mum gets what she wants. I feel as though my attitude towards her mum is clouding my relationship with my partner, possibly the child too, and I don't want that.

Perhaps I am just not ready to be with someone who has kids.

I've never been bothered about having my own kids and sometimes do resent the assumption that I will automatically step up and be a parent at weekends....I haven't got a clue.

Ditto! As a stepmum to my DP's 6 year old, and someone who has no kids of my own and not really a "children" person (or at least I wasn't), I completely sympathise.

Am [hshock] that you get up at 7am and do the nappies, let alone without being thanked! I must admit I am very rarely the one to get up with DSS on Saturdays and Sundays (he's always up and about and demanding breakfast and company at around 8am) I generally leave it to DP and stay in bed myself. Am happy to be the one to get up early ocasionally in order to give DP a break, or if there is a good reason he can't do it that day, but regular 7ams + nappies + no thanks...I'd be very resentful!

I'm lucky in so far as DP and I are both on very friendly terms with his ex and her DP. But I think maybe whether you are on good terms or not with the ex, it can still be hard to accept that they will always be in your life and have an influence on it. Its very hard for me to accept that DP, and therefore I, will always have to live close to wherever ex chooses to live. I sometimes have fantasies of us all sitting down together and me saying "well I'd really like to live in town X, can we try to negotiate this?" but even given our friendly dynamic I think this is a dream too far ;-)

Anyway, I don't really have any wise words - I totally understand the thoughts of "it would be easier not to be with a man with a child" but at the same time, if you're anything like me, your love for your DP probably outweighs the negative stuff thus you don't want to leave.

My only real pieces of advice, which have worked for me in countering the resentment issues:

a) keep on playing with your DSD and trying to enjoy her as much as you can. Sometimes at my most resentful I avoid more than a bare minimum of playing/talking to/looking after DSS, thinking it should be his dad doing it all I and I should be able to get on with whatever I want to be doing. But ultimately this always ends up leaving me feeling worse. I'm happier when I actually throw myself into the SM role a little bit more (within limits ;-) ).

b) Try to detatch as much as possible from issues of disciplining or making parental-type decisions, particularly insofar as when your idea of appropriate parenting differs from DP's and/or from his ex's. I try to remember no child will ever be perfectly behaved, so even though I sometimes think I have the answers as to what should be being done differently, it probably wouldn't make that much difference and its easier just to let the bio parents get on with their own parenting. Just take deep breaths and try to distract your mind in situations where your inner mind is screaming "but this is stupid, I'd never make this decision!" and only intervene if really necessary.

To be honest you sound like you are already doing a great job. I just hope you're not doing too many 7ams ;-)

olibeansmummy, very sensible advice and you obviously speak from good (and no doubt painful) experience.

SCG, having an insight into what is happening when his dd is with the mum can be very frustrating but your DP doesn't have the ability to influence it (unless he applies for full residence and that wouldn't happen unless the homelife was extremely neglectful).

I've found that mums are very rarely judged harshly yet if fathers introduced new partners regularly then it would be deemed 'responsible' if the mum reduced contact to 'protect' the child. My DSS has had multiple step dads, the last one moved out and a week later a new one moved in. We cannnot do or say anything, just be there for DSS and help him with ways to cope.

Being a stepparent is very, very tough (much harder than being a lone parent) so just be aware that you are not starting off on the parenting ladder at the easiest rung! (and step parents get less help and support in general)

Your DP might be advised to get contact formalised (& I imagine finances??) as you highlighted that he's afraid to rock the boat. That's not viable in the long term as he has 16 years to co-parent so he must feel like an equal parent. My DH thought he had a reasonable contact until one of the new partners came on the scene and then DH was steadily prevented from seeing his DS, he spent too long (in reflection) trying to make it work through discussions and mediation,not wanting it to be contentious, but he eventually went to court and it has been fantastic to have the contact formalised.

On the positive side - I've found that my role is to support DH and of course DSS. I can also be a positive role model to DSS and hopefully show him a different life so at least when he's an adult he will be better informed. Step parenting is about the long term, the rewards are absolutely not in the short term so you have to be good at delayed gratification:)