Perspective, advice and positive words much needed

[Fingerscrossed1]

This is the first time I've actually posted on here but do occasionally come on and read the threads as I've found there are a lot of people in the same boat and experiencing the same feelings.

I've been with my DP for nearly 3 year. He has an 8 year old son who stays with us every other weekend and 1 night through the week.

For the most part, I can see that we have been lucky in that DP has an amicable relationship with his ex, although we both agree she leaves much to be desired in terms of being a good role model etc.

We are lucky in that my step son seemed to accept the fact that me and his dad were together straight away and has never intentionally tried to make it difficult.

The overall problem is that, even after nearly 3 years, I still find myself fighting against the fact that DP has a son who is not going anywhere. I want so much to be able to fully accept him and whilst I know that to 'love' him may be a big ask, at least to really like him and not resent him.

I know that feeling like this makes me selfish, and I think this is part of the problem. I become irritated and on edge when he is with us sometimes, and whilst I try not to let him see this I know that DP does. I struggle to relax about toys and clothes that are left lying around, feel annoyed when he picks at his food when I have put time and effort into preparing a healthy meal (which he wouldn't get with his mum) and am just generally over-sensitive and almost on the look-out for even slightly naughty behaviour.

Some weekends when my step son stays with us, though not every weekend, by Sunday night I feel frazzled. Although I have broached the subject of him going back to his mums on Sunday night and us having him an extra night through the week instead, DP felt that he wanted to keep this routine and suggested that if I'm getting frazzled I should go out for the day or something to get some space...fair point but I'd rather not feel frazzled in the first place.

This sets DP on edge and I know upsets him, and from time to time we argue about it. I can see from his point of view how horrible it would be to know that your partner was having thoughts like this about your own child and that makes me feel awful.

We have just found out that we're expecting and I suppose this has made me think that I really want to work at this for the sake of us all. DP is absolutely the one, and whilst there have been a couple of occasions in the past when I have considered running away, I DON'T want to do this, and desperately don't want this to come between us.

I can see how lucky we are in one sense...things could be so much worse but i suppose what I am looking for is any advice on how to relax about things, let go and stop trying to control everything so much. It would be great to hear some positive words from people who have managed to overcome, or learn to live with such feelings.

You see I don't get the 'jealous' bit. Irrational yes, I get that, and the OP probably agrees that her feelings are irrational (I do in my case). Jealous though - no.

For example - there are some people in life I come across who I find annoying for one reason or another. Generally, where this causes a problem, is when I am in their company a lot and I'm not able to control how much time I spend with them. This doesn't mean I'm jealous of them though

Just to clarify, I am not jealous that my DP has fathered another child and you may be surprised to hear that although I don't necessarily agree with much of her parenting, I have a good relationship with DPs ex and it's not uncommon for us all to have a Sunday Roast together as a family.

"Step parents need to understand the world from the childs perspective. Children need and want a mum and a dad. Anyone else is extra. If the extra people are a positive influence then great, but anything less WILL damage the child"

This is very true - and incidentally something I'd already figured out for myself believe it or not...again, the reason why I'm trying to deal with my feelings.

I don't feel that I need to justify/explain myself further for the benefit of those that clearly don't empathise, there seem to be far more people who do.

This is always a topic which will divide opinion. However, I still don't understand why someone who has no affinity with another person's feelings and no desire to try to understand, would bother to post?

That said, thank you for all the supportive posts, I'm in this for the long haul and believe we will get there in the end..not sure I'll be turning to the talk boards in future though, not really worth the hassle!

OP fwiw I''m finding it's a bit of a trend on MN at the minute to pounce on people and accuse them of jealousy. I started a thread today in Chat and instead of engaging in a conversation about the issue I was posting about, I was accused of just being 'jealous' .

What are these irrational feelings if not jealous? I suppose they could be hatred? Or annoyance?

Seriously though, these are the reasons many people won't get involved with a person with children.

Really - you can't see that an irrational feeling can stem out of anything but jealousy . We are human beings, and feelings are very very complex. People have studied the human being since time began and still nobody knows all the answers.

There's a woman at work who I find intensely annoying. I can't describe why. She's a nice person. But for some reason she rubs me up the wrong way. I can't describe why. But the fact that I have to be in her company 7 hours a day makes it worse. It's completely irrational. Absolutely nothing to do with jealousy.

Probably a lot to do with the fact that as humans, we like to have a certain amount of control over how we live, spend our time, etc etc. When you are foisted into someone else's company for very long periods of time (especially in your home - think of when you just want visitors to go home, no matter how good friends they are), it just gets too much. But with visitors, you can choose when to invite them round. With family, you can probably tell them you need to do stuff, you'll see them again etc. But when it's someone else's child, even when you really like them, sometimes you just want some space. Personal space. But you have no control over it. You can't just always go out. Unlike you own child, you can't just tell them to go entertain themselves for an hour. They're there, and it can get repressive. That is probably irrational, but it's very very common. Again, nothing to do with jealousy.

Of course these are reasons people don't get involved with people with children - hardly rocket science

OP, I think that much of what you describe is about parenting rather than step-parenting!

Children are messy and demanding. They are not grateful for meals that you've cooked or nice things that you do for them. By Sunday every week I'm frazzled too and my DDs are my children. Roll on Monday morning so I can go to work for a break!!

I agree with the poster who said to take your DSS out for a day or have something that is just for the two of you to do. It might help with the bonding process.

So, OP, what was it you wanted, advice, perspective or was it just in fact, positive words?

I find it quite insulting that you imply that I have no empathy when in every one of my posts I have described how and why I know how you feel. I have decades of experience in this minefield and I was trying to help you reframe it so that your relationship with your DSS could be more positive and rewarding. I have been through what you're going through and I have come out the other side. I was wrong to harbour these feelings and so are you. However, if you just want people to say how they know how you feel and how they feel for you then so be it.

Incidentally, not one person has come on here and said you're right to feel this way now here's how you can fix it. The only way to resolve this is to accept you are wrong.

I am hiding this thread now. I don't come here to be insulted, not when I've tried to be helpful.

No one has suggested how the OP can fix it, because it's something that can't be fixed! You either put up with it, or leave. It's that simple. The presence of DSS in my home has cast a shadow over a sizeable chunk of my life , and (sorry) I will always feel resentful that it tainted the early days of our marriage. But that's just the way it is. You can't fix it because it's not fixable.

When i said that Petal i was shouted down....

I think it's as Fearne said, positive words are what are needed here, rather than advice or perspective.

And as i'm rather too honest for my own good, i now intend to take may ball home

"The only way to resolve this is to accept you are wrong"

Feelings aren't wrong. Lots of other things that aren't particularly positive, but not 'wrong'. What an odd thing to say. Only facts are 'wrong', not feelings. If the OP denied her feelings, that would be wrong. If she stayed with DP knowing she could not be kind to her DSC, that would be wrong. If her feelings towards her DSC caused him any kind of harm, that would be wrong.

My DSD is twice your DSS's age, so obviously that makes things a bit different....

having said that, though - I DO relate to what you say. My DSD is very different from me, and some of her personality traits really clash with mine; some of her behaviours are so far from what I (rightly or wrongly) am used to, that I do find it irritating. And if I am honest, I too am struggling to 'accept' her for who she is. DSD is a very dominant personality, and she also has a profound need to control. This results in some simply annoying behaviours, like always wanting to decide what we eat for dinner and when, or always having to hold the remote control, or rearranging the sitting room furniture when she decides she's ready for a change, or needing to constantly direct and dominate every conversation! I am not as confident or outgoing as she is, and I often end up feeling a bit bullied by her. The biggest problem I have is that she wants to be the Woman of The House, and be her dad's partner and a sort of mother figure to the other kids - which absolutely drives me insane.

I am sorry that you have taken such stick for writing about how you feel, because I think it is both natural and understandable to feel that way, and as I say, I do relate. I also have to agree with allnewtaketwo - feelings are not WRONG. Actions can be wrong.

Are there any positive actions you can take to reduce your feelings of annoyance and help you embrace this kid as a part of your life? Well, that is what I ask myself all the time. Some days it is easier to do it than others. In my case, it has been 3 and a half years, and very much a 'two steps forward, one step back' kind of thing.

For me, the one thing I have found that really does work is when I ACTIVELY make CHOICES to include DSD more in my life - asking her to do something that she's not usually encouraged by me to do, or asking her to spend time with me when I start out feeling like I want to run away and hide in my bedroom. Maybe it is a version of 'fake it until you make it' - or maybe it is because then I am the one LETTING things happen, instead of feeling like things are happening TO ME, beond my control...I don't know. I can't do it all the time, because it is hard to let go and hard to reach out to her just when I most want to be left alone! But I have discovered that at the times when I am most annoyed, the one thing that does work is to actually do something that scares me a little.

This might not be a very good example - but - she and I both like to bake. I get really wound up when she does, because she always creates a huge mess and leaves it, or uses my nice (expensive!) pans and scratches them, or uses the last eggs when I was planning to cook breakfast the next day...you get the idea. My DH thinks it would be marvelous if she and I baked together, but I tried that early on and it was a disaster, because she just bossed me around the whole time and I felt really irritated. So, that idea of the two of us happily mixing up cookie dough together is probably a bit too much! It also turns too often into a competition for dad's affection (who is going to make his birthday cake? whose cookies does he prefer?) or a chance to remind me that I am not her mum. :(

But. She is very artistic. So on her brother's last birthday, I made the cake, and asked her to decorate it. I didn't wait for her to ask or insist on it, I asked HER. And she did a great job, and it meant we both had a part to play, and she was pleased to be asked and I was pleased because I got to do the asking. I thought it would be hard (because it would spark an argument, or because I'd feel displaced) but instead it felt really good. Now we have rules around the baking (don't use my pans; clean up after yourself), but we also can share recipes or look at cookbooks together.

I should add, that this technique works best for me when it has NOTHING to do with DH, it has to be just DSD and I doing something together.

So - sorry for the long post - but that's my advice, I guess. Try to do things alone with your DSS when he is there. And especially, try to think of ways you can involve him with the new baby - figure out what you CAN be comfortable with, and know your limits, but use it as a chance to do things one-on-one with him...maybe you and he could make something together to give the baby when it arrives, a project that you could work on together over several visits or even longer.

You might also think about whether the expectations that you and your DP each have - about your stepson's behaviour - are clear and reasonable. Do you guys agree about how to handle it when he picks at his food? Are there rules that are fair for an 8-year-old kid? If not, can you make some, between you?

I think it's normal to feel like this.

The only thing that helped is remembering that he is the child, and I am the adult.

But it's bloody hard.

Massive thanks to allnew, riverboat and everyone else who has offered support...without your posts I would almost certainly have burned myself at the stake

I am not a bad person, my feelings are natural and clearly very common. It's early days and the fact that I am actively trying to improve things and admitting to difficult emotions demonstrates a commitment to the cause for all our sakes.

brdgrl you have offered some really practical and sensible advice, constructive things that I can actually 'do'...that's what I was looking for.

Armed with my new plan of action and a positive frame of mind I'm going to leave the thread now and try to move on. Too much thinking and analysing doesn't do me any good!

Thank you everyone and good luck to you all

Matana, you're kicking the OP when she's already down. Everyone reading your posts will think "Oh dear, better not share any of my own less than sterling parenting experiences, lest this poster rips me apart next!" And the place becomes full of superficiality and bland posts about nothing because all the readers are too afraid of the responses.

If the OP knows she ought not to be feeling this way, why not lay on the sympathy instead of the judgement?

Fingerscrossed, I can relate, raising my nephew alongside my own two, sometimes things he does irritate me to death, and I know I'm more prone to notice his irritating things over my own children, and I know it's wrong. I spend the whole day tormenting myself wondering how I can do things better, and picturing nephew writing a misery-lit memoir about his horrible aunty when he's an adult.

It's a shame you're only a parent on the weekend, I mean, a shame because at least if they're always there you can make your own stamp on the family situation. How about finding a mutual hobby that's just for you, dp and stepson? Something you do together. Pottery making, a craft class, drama class. Something musical. Something where you can enjoy each other's company and it's out of the house so you're not falling into the old nagging stepmum routine. Best of luck.

God help your new baby, who will soon become a child and who will inevitably leave toys and clothes lying around on the floor. Even after you've just spent ages tidying up. God forbid, how dare they!!

And if your baby spits out some lovingly prepared purr'ed (how the hell do you spell that word!) carrot - well bloody hell, how ungrateful!

Welcome to parenthood, be it step or normal!!

Try to lighten up over minor stuff like that, it pisses everyone off, not just step parents!!

Poppyella - you are spectacularly missing the OP's point. She isn't expecting the child not to do those things. She is in despair at her confused and frustrated feelings over the whole situation.

And let me tell you that there is a big, big difference between your reaction to your own child making a mess, compared to another child making a mess

Yes poppyella but you don't mind so much when they're your own. That's the point. I would die for my own children so while picking up their toys may have been irritating I could cope with it fairly well! It's a whole different ball game when they're not yours and when they're being brought up completely differently than you would do it.

Ther'es no comparison - you can't say "welcome to parenthood, be it step or normal. You may as well say "welcome to dinner, be it caviar or a pot noodle!" One just goes down much easier than the other!

Oh, how silly, Poppyella! Being annoyed with an infant spitting out food or making a mess is very different from having some reasonable expectations of a much older child...

Your own OR someone else's.

Ok Ok, I apologise. Having SM issues of my own at the mo, albeit the other way round.

Sorry

oh god, thank you OP (and to everyone else with their responses) I've just found MN, started reading and this brought tears to my eyes. I thought I was alone and so so wrong in the way I feel about DSS and couldn't talk to anyone about it in real life in case they think I'm a real bitch. He's only a little boy (5) but I literally count the hours til he goes home for every contact period. In my case, I think DH parents quite differently when DSS is around (I have DD1 and we have DD2 together too) and I know I'm on the lookout for any inconsistencies in discipline and resent any percieved favouritism, but I think I would find it hard anyway.

DH has a terrible relatonship with DSS's mum and the battles take up huge amounts of time, money and emotional energy and I resent this too. Perhaps this is rubbing off on how I feel about DSS.

This is awful though, isn't it. I know I do a good job of hidin my feelings as DSS ovbiously likes me, but it's so damn hard. best trick for me is to do thoughtful things (buying fave foods, arranging special activities etc) but not sure if this is a step in the right direction or a way of avoiding more meaningful contact.

HRHM, can you really talk to your DH about your feelings? I know that if I even hinted at my 'issues', it would be game over for us. Not necessarily because he would think it was the end of the world - but because he would think he OUGHT to think it was the end of the world iyswim. We go to ludicrous lengths to make things work for DSS (to counter all the difficulties the hostile ex raises), sometimes at the expense of my/our DCs', and it's like he's playing out some role where he has to be the most devoted and single-minded NRP ever.

I do know obstacles take effort to overcome, and most of the time I admire his efforts (and mine!) but it is utterly all-consuming and disproportionate and I do wonder about the long term effects on the rest of us. Feel like asking him if he would value the children at home more if I moved a long way away and made contact difficult too. :-(

Rebecca71 wrote ?we go to ludicrous lengths to make things work for DS (to counter all the difficulties the hostile ex raises), sometimes at the expense of my/our DCs, and it?s like he?s playing out some role where he has to be the most devoted and single-minded NRP ever.
Most of the time I admire his efforts, but it is utterly all-consuming and disproportionate.?

Rebecca, I could have written those words. I understand ENTIRELY where you?re coming from, my ex will go to ridiculous lengths to placate the ex and smooth any vaguely choppy waters for DSS ? and it?s all way beyond what you?d ever do for a bio child. The frustration drives me insane at times. His devotion to his son is admirable, but it borders on obsession at times. We don?t have children of our own; there are many reasons for this, but I just wouldn?t want to bring an innocent baby into a household that seems to revolve around my husband?s past.

From my own experience of having a SD I can honestly say;

• Spend time with your DP when you DSS is not there, go out have fun as a couple whether you go to the cinema, for a meal or out with friends. You need time as a couple.

• Take time for yourself whilst your DSS is there, before you start to feel stressed. Go out with a friend and buy a few bits for the new baby, while you're out pick up a magazine or a small treat for your DSS, he'll love that and you will love it when he enjoys the gift you have brought him.

• Your DP and DSS should spend some time without you. They could go swimming or feed the ducks. They need time to themselves too.

• Organise a day out of the house with DP and DSS. A small picnic and a day out somewhere. DSS can run and play and get some of his energy used. DP can play football with him at the local park while you enjoy the sun/ go and buy the icecreams which will give you a little bit of time to yourself. Being out for most of the day will mean no/very little mess in the house!

Things will never be perfect and things will never be straightforward, but I think you already know that :)
Taking it one step at a time, everytime you spend time with DSS think, what is going right? How can I make this situation happier by being positive? (I know this may sound a little odd, but I support families as part of my job and always ask them to do this, it can work wonders to only concentrate on the positives)