I'm just looking for a bit of advice, or to speak to anyone who might be or have been in a similar situation to me. I don't really have anyone in my life I can speak to about what I'm feeling at the moment...
I'm 28, and have been with my boyfriend (36) for two years, living together for one. Everything is good between us. He has a 6 year old son from his previous long-term relationship. The son stays with us about two weekends out of three plus half of the holidays.
(just for background: things went wrong with my BF and his ex during the pregnancy, and they mutually decided to separate when their child was about 1 year old. She is now in a new long-term relationship, has had another baby with her partner etc. My boyfriend and hi s ex-partner have remained friends, and still have a really good relationship - there's no animosity there, we often all meet at various occasions or for dinners etc (ie me, my boyfriend, his ex and her new partner, all the kids etc) and that's fine.)
Actually, having read some other posts on this forum, I think I'm pretty lucky given the lack of animosity in my situation, and maybe I should just be counting my blessings rather than posting this. But anyway.
I knew right from the beginning that my BF had a son, and what that would mean in terms of his priorities and the impact on his/our lives. I absolutely understood and can't even imagine thinking anything else other than that of course the child has to come first, that he didn't ask for this situation and we all have to do what's best for him etc. It was just obvious. I met the son after about 4 months of me and my BF being together, and it was all fine. No acting out on his part, we got on fine, he was just happy to have another person to play with during the weekends he spent with his father. I was happy that he liked me, and that I was making my BF happy by forging a good relationship with his son. All very easy.
The problem is that, one and a half years down the road...I feel like a horrible person for saying this, but I think the "novelty" of having a child around is starting to wear off and I find myself focusing more and more on all the ways this is impacting my life. Maybe its partly because the kid has got more bratty over the year - nothing serious I'm pretty sure its just normal behavious for a six year old, and its certainly not specifically directed against me or anything, but I just find I can stand it less and less. All the suddenly refusing to eat food he used to eat before, the tantrums when he's told he can't have something, the endless need to be entertained, the lack of understanding of adult people's feelings...I know as I type that these are all normal kid things, but I just can't stop myself from being SO annoyed by it all. I find this annoyance permanently welling up in me, and I know it's not a good thing but I don't know how to combat it. We still get along OK, but I'm aware that I don't really make an effort to talk to him or play with him nearly as much as I did. On the other hand, I very rarely actually verbalise my annoyance at his behavious, or reprimand him.
I've started to think about how for my whole life, if I stay with my BF, who I love, I'm going to be tied to living within 20m drive of wherever the kid's mother chooses to live...and since she's lived in the same town all her life, she's not going to be moving any time soon. The problem is that I'm not even from this COUNTRY let alone this town (I came here from England with the intention to stay for a year, but after meeting my boyfriend and liking the country I decided to stay) and it pains me to think I can never choose where I live again, or live in my home country again, at least for the next 12 years or so, as I know my BF would never want to live far from his son, and I would never ask him to.
I've started to resent the weekends where we have to do kid-type outings and keep the kid entertained...it's not like I don't enjoy these things, but it feels like overload.
I'm certainly resenting the fact that our holiday this year is in a kid-friendly camping type place, rather than somewhere I'd actually be interested in going.
I can't stand the mess the kid leaves everywhere after I spend ages cleaning the house...or the constant sound of computer game music instead of music I might like to have on...
Basically, I think that its just that I'm 28, I don't even know if I want children of my own at all, yet I'm suddenly in a situation where I have a part-time kid and have all the hard work but not so much of the reward...I know he doesn't love me, how could he be expected to, and I don't love him, and I feel like that mutual love would be the reason to accept all the stuff that I don't really like doing. BUT I really really love my BF and I don't want to make him unhappy by bringing this up with him. Because honestly...what can he say? I don't even want him to make any changes to anything, what's the point of just saying "I'm a bit fed up with suddenly being a part time mum"...I mean what can really be done here?
I just want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation to me, if it got better or worse depending on the kid's age or the length of time or whatever. I can't imagine leaving my boyfriend, but at the same time when I stand back and look at the situation that would seem like the only thing to do really in terms of an actual solution. Maybe it's even irresponsible of me to stay in this situation if I'm not sure about my commitment to it it, is that not fair to the kid?
How on earth do you decide if the sacrifices and concessions you have to make when you're a step-parent, are worth it? I can't imagine just walking out of my relationship, it seems unthinkable, but at the same time I don't know if I can imagine a life of kid-based summer holidays and weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment, of knowing that the future will always be a certain way because the kid will always be there with the same needs and demands...help?